Almost always contact first

[manji123]

I've been dating a lot of girls lately but this one has really captured my interest. She is somewhat quiet and reserved with a very witty and sarcastic sense of humor that I like. Anyway we will be going out this coming Saturday (6 days away) and I'm really looking forward to it.

 

So far so good right?

 

Well this is where my own insecurity maybe creeping in so some advice would be nice.

 

We have been talking for two weeks via phone calls, emails and texting. But I find that I'm always the one to contact her first. There has only been a couple times where she was the one to contact me first. Again I know this may sound a little lame on my part but again I really like her so I'm fearful of coming across as needy or screwing it up.

 

I've called her about every night last week (she even made mention that she liked me calling her) and we would also email each other several times a day at work. Anyway this weekend I didn't call her and only texted a couple times to which she replied but nothing more.

 

So I guess what I'm asking is how much contact is too much? Am I coming across as needy? I really like talking to her and she likes talking to me. I'm usually the one to end the conversation etc but it would be nice if she made more effort to contact me.

 

Sorry for the crazy message here but I figured it was better to rant here and get slapped "out of it" than to over think everything and screw it up. lol

[TuffCookieX]

All the girls I know, myself included have been told to never initiate contact with a man until they are 100% in a relationship. Sometimes I break the rules, but for the most part "if he is interested, let him pursue you". So keep hitting her up if you're into her, she already told you she loves it when you do.

[manji123]

Thanks for the replay Tuffcookies and I was looking over some of our emails from last week and she's definitely into me. She said things like she likes it when I call and all her emails end with questions etc, to keep the conversation going.

 

I find that I start over analyzing sometimes when I really like someone. I always feel like I'm on an episode of Seinfeld or something.

 

Anyway, I'll send her an email tomorrow from work (which is what we did all week last week). I definitely don't want to play games but sometimes find that I do by seeing if she would call me and so on.

 

I'll keep you guys posted and again thanks for the insights and advice. After having several "one dates" and talking to people that I really don't click with this is a refreshing change--I just don't want to rush it or screw it up. lol Thanks again all.

[lonelyheartbeat]

Your post sounds kind of like my post, just with different genders.

 

I will agree with whomever that said she already told you she liked you calling. So keep it up. Unless she stops contacting or replying, there's nothing to indicate she's losing interest.

 

I can only speak for myself, being female... I want the guy to contact me. At least in the beginning. It's showing me that hey, this guy is interested. Maybe it's different if a female puts the moves on a guy. I don't know. But certainly for myself, in that fledgling, is this going somewhere? stage, it's nice to know the guy is interested. I have more tender feelings than most, and I like to know for sure if a guy is with me before I start investing real emotions into the relationship.

 

Course, my problem is, the minute the guy starts the contact, I keep going with it and probably scare them away. But, that's for my post to talk about.

 

All in all, keep doing what you're doing. The best of luck to you!

[smudge21]

I do agree with doing the chasing and all that, but I also think there's a cut off point; a moment when you have to step back and think are things going how you want them to go. Relationships should be 50/50 but if you start to doubt that you're doing all the work, then you need to deal with that doubt before things get serious.

 

Okay, this girl is into you, that's great and she clearly enjoys the attention. I really hope it all goes well, but my concerns are based off my own experiences. I've done the constant contact thing you're doing and for the most part it's been great, but then there's been times where, like you, it's started to feel like I'm doing all the work.

 

I've also noticed that in the past due to the fact I've made all the effort and they've got so used to me doing so, it's actually made them less interested. It's like my contact becomes the norm and they just get used to it, there becomes no challenge or excitement, and in turn no reason for them to make any effort. Afterall, I'm always there.

 

Obviously at times I've gone quiet for a bit, just to test the water, see if they'll start making contact. Usually they do and I see that as a good sign. However, a past ex was very much this situation and it became clear through her lack of initiating contact that she was losing interest. I eventually stopped doing it to see what would happen and she didn't get in touch at all. Things ended not long afterwards.

 

All that said, I know women like the chase, like to feel wanted, and to me I like chasing and have no problem with doing so, but if you start to have doubts, then do something about it now rather than letting those doubts build up. I think it's too early to question her about it (that would just be wrong), but maybe don't initiate contact for a few days. It's either that or carry on as you are doing.

[manji123]

Again thanks so much for the input everyone, that's why I've always liked this community; everyone has a great advice based on their experiences.

 

Lonelyheartbeat I totally understand what you are saying and one of the last girls I dated was very much like you. What I mean by that is I could tell she really liked the contact because she started contacting me even more that I was her. At first I thought it was really nice but then after a bit I started to feel it was an obligation of sorts. We did this for about 2 and a half weeks before meeting. When we did meet it made it a little awkward because we had already talked about so much and I hate to say it, but after meeting her in person I didn't feel any real chemistry. Needless to say that made difficult to break things off.

 

So after that experience I keep having this feeling in the back of my mind that I could become "the norm" that smudge21 was talking about. I definitely don't want to lose the flirty spark. The bottom line is all girls are different and I need to just be myself but since I like this girl I also need advice, which again thanks everyone, because otherwise I'll over think it.

 

Update time!

 

After emailing back and forth last week during our work day and talking on the phone M,T,W, and F the last contact I had with her was on Saturday which was just a couple of texts. The first one I sent around 2 which said "I was just thinking about you & thought I would say hi...nerd" She replied back about 15 minutes later with "Awwww...you're such a sweet nerd". Later that night I sent a text just saying goodnight and she replied with the same, then yesterday was the first day we haven't had any contact.

 

I plan on sending an email today around 11 and I'll admit I'm waiting until 11 just to see if she will email me before that. I hate doing stuff like that but I'm just curious. Damn this fragile male ego.

 

Anyway, I was thinking of making a joke about how she was probably depressed not hearing from me as regularly. I had made a joke like that last week that went well so I was thinking of doing it again. The joke from last week was "Well I finally decided to send you an email, which I bet made you squeal like a 13 year old girl at a Twilight Meet & Greet" Her response was "I didn't squeal when I saw your email, but I did smile. So you are getting somewhere"

 

Ok sorry to ramble and thanks again for the advice and support all.

[TuffCookieX]

I had made a joke like that last week that went well so I was thinking of doing it again. The joke from last week was "Well I finally decided to send you an email, which I bet made you squeal like a 13 year old girl at a Twilight Meet & Greet" Her response was "I didn't squeal when I saw your email, but I did smile. So you are getting somewhere"

 

 

I'd leave those type of jokes out, it makes you seem like your ego is too big and if she's still deciding how much she likes you, that could put a damper on her decision.

 

But I think you're in a good place now, so just keep contacting her, if you keep getting good responses, ask her out again soon.

[Feelsgoodman]

All the girls I know, myself included have been told to never initiate contact with a man until they are 100% in a relationship. Sometimes I break the rules, but for the most part "if he is interested, let him pursue you". So keep hitting her up if you're into her, she already told you she loves it when you do.

I disagree. If she is a "rules girl", you're wasting your time on her (you don't want to be dating a manipulator).

 

It sounds like you've been contacting her WAY too much. Cut down on the calls and emails. If she still fails to initiate, it means that she's not really interested.

[manji123]

TuffCookieX I know where you are coming from with the "ego thing" but trust me she knows I'm joking. She does the same thing to me sometimes too and has already told me that she knows that I'm sweet etc.

 

We are both very sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek about things so it's cool.

 

 

Feelsgoodman I have gone "dark" once already and she messaged me that day seeing what was up etc. I don't think she's playing games as much as she's a little shy or aloof in a many ways. She had mentioned before that it's been a while since she's dated and that she is getting back into the groove etc.

 

Again though it's early so who knows for sure. We are going out this weekend so that should answer many questions. I just hate getting anxious when I meet someone I actually like and I think that is biggest issue I'm having.

 

Ugh.

[Feelsgoodman]

Feelsgoodman I have gone "dark" once already and she messaged me that day seeing what was up etc. I don't think she's playing games as much as she's a little shy or aloof in a many ways. She had mentioned before that it's been a while since she's dated and that she is getting back into the groove etc.

Being shy has nothing to do with it. You are already dating, so it's not like she has to initiate contact with someone she doesn't know.

 

Your are making the typical mistake of someone who is too much into a girl. She never initiates contact because she doesn't have to make any effort. You do more than enough initiating for both of you. I've been in similar situations where the roles were reversed (the girl was contacting me all the time). I hardly ever initiated because I knew that I didn't have to.

 

IMO, you are making a mistake by showering her with excessive attention. Phone calls every day, multiple emails - it's too much. You are encouraging her to take you for granted and thereby setting yourself up for failure. In order for a relationship to work, both parties have to put some effort into it.

[TuffCookieX]

Being shy has nothing to do with it. You are already dating, so it's not like she has to initiate contact with someone she doesn't know.

 

Your are making the typical mistake of someone who is too much into a girl. She never initiates contact because she doesn't have to make any effort. You do more than enough initiating for both of you. I've been in similar situations where the roles were reversed (the girl was contacting me all the time). I hardly ever initiated because I knew that I didn't have to.

 

IMO, you are making a mistake by showering her with excessive attention. Phone calls every day, multiple emails - it's too much. You are encouraging her to take you for granted and thereby setting yourself up for failure. In order for a relationship to work, both parties have to put some effort into it.

 

Agree to disagree

[Mr. Slim]

First of all I am 100% against rules, gender roles, and other old-fashioned nonsense; so I'm not telling you this because of that. But does it really matter who contacts first? You have established the pattern of doing the calling. She has given you positive feedback for doing so. So it seems to be a good setup that works for both of you. As for your insecurities, well she agreed to go out with you. That's a heck of a lot more reassuring than if she were to send a few meaningless fluff texts here and there.

[FitChick]

I like to start out slowly and let the tension build. Otherwise you risk burnout before you even meet. Then after a certain level of contact has been established, it gets tricky because if it's very frequent but one person goes silent, especially on the weekend, you tend to fear the worst.

 

I do think that after meeting or if you are long distance so only have emails and calls to deal with, the woman should initiate some calls, if only to share the cost.

 

I do think that if something is meant to be, little glitches here and there won't stop it from happening. Same goes with over analyzing and manipulating if something is NOT meant to be, it ain't gonna happen!

[manji123]

Feelsgoodman Just to clarify this weekend will be our first date, so we aren't "dating" at all. We met online and she said she was just now getting back into it all and that she would like to email first then do the phone thing, to make sure I wasn't an ax murderer. Her words not mine. Again we are both very sarcastic etc.

 

I do see your points though won't let it get out of hand.

 

Mr Slim I definitely see your points and thanks for reminding me that she has agreed to go out with me so I shouldn't be getting all insecure about things. In one of her emails last week she even said "since you have officially asked me out, I'm officially nervous. Thanks!"

 

I did send her an email today at 11 asking how things were going and joking around then about 20 minutes later she replied with the same so I guess things are going well.

 

Geez I feel like I'm 16 again or something. lol