idntknow Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been broken up for 5 days... Why would he tell a mutual friend that he's still in love with me, that he knows he was wrong and wants to right the situation, and that he had every intention of fighting to get me back.. but then days later.... still nothing?? She told me he cried over the phone. Really?? I don't understand. We dated for 4 years! We rarely fought. I did recently catch him in some lies which led to the breakup. Nothing too off the wall. I wasn't an @ss about it but my feeling were hurt. I mean, I trusted this man with everything. I didn't yell or freak out.. I wanted to talk about it.. but instead he just disappeared. That's it. Nada, zip, zilch, zero contact from him since. Why would he say all these things to our friend and then not do anything? Why the sudden change in character over something that could have been worked through. No ones perfect! I just don't get it... I remain clueless.
Author idntknow Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 Thanks for your response No, I don't have any control over him. We spent our days together because we wanted to, not because we had to. I don't expect him to beg me back either. I just don't understand how he could just disappear like that. I love him.. I thought he loved me too. I don't know what to do. When I attempted to talk to him, he split. I was shocked more than anything. I tried calling him, sending him texts, asking him to please talk to me, I wasn't mad... but nothing... Then our friend called me the next day saying all these things. It's confusing!
giuliano-3 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 OK, so you did actually break up though? And am I correct in assuming that you dumped him? If this is the case, it explains what is going on. He feels rejected, alone, etc etc. He reaches out to a friend to say what he's feeling because that's easier than talking to you, and he knows the friend will relay his feelings back to you. He obviously wants you to know that he's in pain, still loves you and is confused as heck. As long as there was an official breakup, not just some discussion where things were left "in the air," then he isn't really disappearing on you. He's licking his wounds. He probably hopes you'll come knocking down his door. But it sounds like he's holding his ground right now, trying to salvage some pride. There is no law stating once dumped you have to stay in contact or be friends. Everyone deals with this stuff differently. Although, its only been 5 days so it wouldn't be shocking for me to hear that he's tried contacting you at some point in the future. In fact, even though I'm not a betting man, I'd lay a pretty penny on that happening.
Author idntknow Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 That's the whole crazy part. I didn't break up with him. When I told him I found out about some things he wasn't truthful on, he got angry and admitted it, then said it's over. He then grabbed his stuff and left. I was dumbfounded and didn't know what to say!! I don't know... I've ran so many things through my head, but nothing makes sense. Now I feel like I've done something wrong, yet I have no clue what it is??
giuliano-3 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 OK, this makes even more sense now. He did desert you. You tried to bring up an issue and instead of working through it he bolted. Pretty common, unfortunately. This means he is probably not the most mature person out there, and now he feels some regret. This doesn't mean he wants to be back together. It definitely doesn't mean you two should be together. In time you will realize what "you did wrong." Which is to say you'll be able to look back and hopefully recognize some patterns in your own way of thinking which led you to be with this guy and for the way it ended. Nothing is all anyone's fault. Try not to beat yourself up too much, this will be hard to do for awhile. The wound is fresh, give it some time to scab over...meaning don't pick it at!
Graceful Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 That's the whole crazy part. I didn't break up with him. When I told him I found out about some things he wasn't truthful on, he got angry and admitted it, then said it's over. He then grabbed his stuff and left. I was dumbfounded and didn't know what to say!! I don't know... This is quintessential passive-aggressive behavior. You accused him of something, he admitted and owned up to the accusatory behavior, and then split, without a word of apology, without a word to work things out, without a word PERIOD. He hasn't been honest with you for, well, who knows how long? But it's been a long time, and his dishonesty caught up with him, you figured him out. He's either ashamed of what he did, or he's able to admit what he did, but not feel any remorse for it, it's hard to say. But when someone bails in a situation like this, it's obvious there is more than meets the eye in what he's been hiding from you, and in order to mend the situation, he'd have to come clean, and that is something apparently, he is not either willing or ready to do. He got caught, basically, and he's obviously not running back to you to say how sorry he is, so that's got to tell you something right there. What did you accuse him of? How bad was it?
ShoeGurl1973 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 This is exactly what my BF of 3 1/2 years did to me off an on through our relationship and then at the very end we he left. I had caught him in many lies (didn't tell me he was married, 6 months later he tells me he had a kid (after he had said no when I directly asked him)). Each time I was perfectly calm and rational, just wanting to discuss the issue and why he lied. No yelling, calm as can be, trying to be understanding from my point of view. Unfortunately his response each time is to say somethign liek "I'll just leave". I never asked him to leave, I asked him to talk. And each time I'd end up chasing after him begging to talk things out. It's exhausting. What they are doing when they do this is controlling you. You catch them in a lie and confront them, which you have every right to do. They can't handle being caught and disappointing you, so they run off and don't talk, making you feel the need to chase after them, putting you in the weaker position and allowing them to be in control. DON"T DO IT. The cycle will never stop. Let them leave if that is what they choose to do. As long as you know you gave him the option to talk, you did your part. The rest is up to him. It's a real sign of maturity when people handle things like this. My final straw was when i caught him not being truthful again and he said he wanted to move out. I told him to pack his crap and have it gone by 9pm the next day. I don't think he expected that, after all, I had set the precedence of runnign after him everytime previous. He learned his lesson this time though - he left and I haven't spoken to him since March. Now I look back thinking how dumb I was to put up with a liar in the first place. If theres 1 lie, there's 100 - they are like cockroaches! :0)
Author idntknow Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 Thank you all for your opinions. I feel so confused and shattered over this. Giuliano - Deserted - yes that's exactly how I feel. I'm not perfect by no means, but lately just feel numb.. Guess I have a long way to go before completely healing since 4 years is a long time to love a person and they leave like that. It's sort of like a death in the family to me.. you're right though, the wound is very fresh right now... Graceful - I found out he lied to his mother and told her I was the reason he couldn't go see her when she came into town. He told her I pitched a fit and was ugly about it so he didn't go.. I would NEVER do that! There is bad blood between him, his mother, and brother, but he doesn't like to look mean to them..That hurt. I mean, I don't want to look like the bad guy to his family.. his brother told me this.. he also told me that he's been telling him stuff like this for a long time now, among other things, as if I was a crazy girlfriend or something. When I confronted my boyfriend, he was mad! Told me he didn't want to look like a @ss to his family and that's why he did it and it shouldn't matter, it was only a white lie. I said, it's hurtful, then he said, see you're acting crazy! I sat there in disbelief! He's never said anything so mean like that, I was like who is this person??? .. then he started to pack his stuff. Really? ugg.. It was hurtful but I don't know. I know the situation with his family is bad.. He's always talked stuff out with me before though.. ShoeGurl - I do feel like I'm in the weaker position. I really do! That's the problem. I feel like I should chase him because maybe I'm hoping he said those things to save himself from dealing with his family but with no intention of hurting me.. and now that I told his brother that wasn't true... he's probably gotten it from both ends. I'm blaming myself horribly still no contact though.
Graceful Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I feel so confused and shattered over this. Graceful - I found out he lied to his mother and told her I was the reason he couldn't go see her when she came into town. He told her I pitched a fit and was ugly about it so he didn't go.. I would NEVER do that! There is bad blood between him, his mother, and brother, but he doesn't like to look mean to them..That hurt. I mean, I don't want to look like the bad guy to his family.. his brother told me this.. he also told me that he's been telling him stuff like this for a long time now, among other things, as if I was a crazy girlfriend or something. When I confronted my boyfriend, he was mad! Told me he didn't want to look like a @ss to his family and that's why he did it and it shouldn't matter, it was only a white lie. I said, it's hurtful, then he said, see you're acting crazy! I sat there in disbelief! He's never said anything so mean like that, I was like who is this person??? .. then he started to pack his stuff. It was hurtful but I don't know. I know the situation with his family is bad.. Thanks for the explanation. I don't blame you for feeling shattered. What he did makes no sense at all. Why he didn't own up to the lie, try to explain it, apologize and discuss better ways to deal with his family, well, that would have been the mature thing to do, right? So why didn't he do that? Why so defensive with you? He lied, and he's been using you as some sort of decoy behind your back to deal with and deflect the issues he has with his family. I'd say he's angry with them, but TOOK IT OUT ON YOU. That's right. He's been lying and when he got caught, it dredged up lots of hostility that he has about his family -- but he's been avoiding dealing with that, right? So you're the convenient target. Then he can race off like a mad dog, accuse you of being crazy for being mad, because IN HIS HEAD, he is justified. Well, it's not justifiable, it isn't, so please, do not make it so. He needs to own up to the fact that he's been hiding behind a lie to deal with family issues, maligning your reputation and taking it lightly, doing so behind your back, and holding a lot of guilt and self-recrimination inside in the process. It's not excusable. So don't make yourself out to be the bad guy. He could have tried to rectify the situation on the spot. He didn't. What's next? Wondering where he is on a weeknight when he doesn't answer one of your calls? Wondering if he's with someone else because he lies with such ease and calls it a "white lie" -- what's a white lie??? A white lie is a harmless lie. It's telling you he's out with a friend when he's out shopping for a birthday gift for you. It's telling you he's tired and doesn't feel like going out, so you go over to his place, and he has a candlelight dinner waiting for you. Those are white lies. Telling his mother that you are a cranky witch is not a white lie. It's using you as a decoy to avoid dealing with other feelings he has, and if it were me, I'd be furious, too. FURIOUS. Stand up for yourself. This is only the beginning of seeing him for who he is. If he can't deal with his feelings or figure out a constructive way to solve them (like just tell his mother he doesn't want to see her, for starters) -- then you can't do it for him. Let things cool off. If he's gone over something like this, has no remorse, and wants to blame you, you're better off without him. He's a hothead, and he's shown you his true colors. And they're not very pretty. Sorry, really, you sound so distressed, but you can't let him manipulate you into feeling like you've done anything wrong. Stay NC and stand up for yourself.
Author idntknow Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 (edited) Graceful, Thank you for this. I've read your reply at least 3 times now. You really hit the nail on the head. 100% correct. It's not excusable or justifiable. As the days go by and I'm left with nothing but silence from him, my emotions feel like a roller coaster. I go from utter sadness to anger to I have to fix this mode, to stand up for yourself already! Ugg It sucks. And I don't know why he called our mutual friend and said he'd fight for me because he loves me and knows he was wrong.. when he had no intention of doing so, but I leaning towards what Giuliano said: It's the indirect way to tell me what he's feeling because it's easier than dealing with all my hurt over this. That is NOT the type of man I want in my life. I do love him, with everything I am, and I care about his feelings greatly, but I can't allow him to toss my feelings to the side because like you said - he can't man up, sit me down, and discuss other avenues. I also want a secure relationship. So I will practice what I preach. I will take this no contact situation and use it to my advantage.. reverse all this time consuming energy into ME. Besides, I'm all I got, right? lol I've been hitting the gym, considering cooking school and looking into applying.. and just doing stuff that I wouldn't have done before because my time was taken up with him. If he comes back and wants to work it out then I will consider that when I get to that point.. if not, then I can enjoy the fruits of my labor during this change stage. My hearts still broken tho.. *sigh* Edited August 17, 2011 by idntknow
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