Cee Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Ever since my boyfriend moved into a gorgeous 2BR apartment, I have been contemplating us living there together. I was with him when he picked the apartment, helped him move, and now spending a lot of time there. In a way, I think of it as our place already. I spent the entire weekend with him in his place and at the end, we started talking about me living there. It was a funny discussion because we talked about where my stuff would go in his place. But neither of us ever said, "Let's move in together." We've only been together 8 months so I am reluctant to say flat out that I want to move in and set a move in date. But I am so happy with him and in love with him that I think it's the logical next step. He is definitely happy too, although I don't know exactly what his thoughts are about the future. How do people decide when to talk about the next step? Do you have many discussions over time or one big one? For those of you with experience, could you share your thoughts. Thanks
sm1tten Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 When I moved in with my ex, it was after about 2 years together. We realised we were throwing away money renting two places when we were spending every night together, so when he got a job in another city we just naturally decided to start looking for a place together. I don't even think we had a real conversation about whether we should or shouldn't -- we just did it. I think because your boyfriend already has a place it's different for you, though.
january2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I think because your boyfriend already has a place it's different for you, though. I agree. My experience mirrored sm1tten's and my ex and I moved in together at the same time. When you helped your boyfriend with the entire process - was there ever a hint about living together in the new place? My initial feeling is that it's up to him to ask you because it's his space. However, you could revisit the conversation by asking him how he feels about living together (in general) rather than specifically about you moving in with him into the current place. Then see where that takes you.
Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Don't do it. It is way too soon and there are many unknowns. You are not like Smitten who knew BF for 2 years. Being together 24/7 in your circumstances will sour the relationship. Here is why: Ever since my boyfriend moved into a gorgeous 2BR apartment, I have been contemplating us living there together. I was with him when he picked the apartment, helped him move, and now spending a lot of time there. In a way, I think of it as our place already. That is no reason to move in together. You are acting like a wife and you are not a wife. I spent the entire weekend with him in his place and at the end, we started talking about me living there. It was a funny discussion because we talked about where my stuff would go in his place. But neither of us ever said, "Let's move in together." It is his place and he did not ask you to move in. keep spending the weekends over there, but maintain your independence. Don't spoil your fun. We've only been together 8 months so I am reluctant to say flat out that I want to move in and set a move in date. You do not have enough intimacy and it should be him asking you. There is a reason why the topic does not come up and why you don't bring the topic to discussion. I don't know exactly what his thoughts are about the future. If you don't have a clue about the future then you should not move in. Why would anyone do something like that? What if gets a job in another city and puts you back on the street? How do people decide when to talk about the next step? Do you have many discussions over time or one big one? For those of you with experience, could you share your thoughts. If you want to play house you should have a major discussion about being truly committed to each other. You should also know your guy for at least two years. Ultimate commitment is generally marriage. If he does not want marriage and you still move in at least get a contract to protect yourself, your assets, your credit, etc. Daydreaming about playing house is not a good reason to move in together.
Janesays Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Call me old fashioned, but I wouldn't even consider living with a man unless he had proposed marriage to me. We're either building a life together or we're not. But, I'm not going to 'play house' with anyone.
Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Call me old fashioned, but I wouldn't even consider living with a man unless he had proposed marriage to me. We're either building a life together or we're not. But, I'm not going to 'play house' with anyone. After my divorce and on the rebound I brought a young woman to my home. That was the biggest mistake of my life. IDEALLY A COUPLE SHOULD MOVE IN WHEN THEY HAD ALREADY PLANNED A FUTURE TOGETHER.
Orianne Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 If the two of you were discussing where your stuff would go, even in a playful manner, then he's at least thinking about it, but probably not ready to take that step yet. I wouldn't push the issue for now, or you might sound needy. In my only experience with a live-in boyfriend (who is now my husband) we never discussed moving in. Rather, it just happened. It was like more and more of his stuff started arriving at my apartment, then one day he never left.
OliveOyl Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 For me personally, I don't need two years to know whether it's right to move in with someone. But, I'm not in a position right now where I'm even thinking about that. With my ex, we were together about 9 months (and spending nearly every night together) before moving in together. I was living in an apartment where the roof was starting to leak excessively. The landlord had supposedly "fixed it" but when it rained there was still water pouring in. I got fed up with it and decided to move into his apartment. (Then *his* ceiling started to leak... lol). I have no regrets about moving in at that stage and don't think it was rushed or too fast. We got married the next year. Yeah, the marriage did eventually fall apart but that was many years (and moves) later and had nothing to do with living together beforehand.
zengirl Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Well, I've seen people move in quick and it work out just fine, and I've seen people wait awhile and it end horribly and quickly after. I'm going to make a variety of points, based on my experiences of moving in (and then breaking up with that guy later) and observations, and they aren't all linked, so if it seems random, I apologize. What Comes First? Personally, I won't move in with a guy again before becoming engaged. Mostly because moving out? Sucks. But some people don't prioritize marriage (I do) and so they obviously WILL, and I think that's probably a different viewpoint. For them, I'd say, "Don't move in with someone you aren't pretty damn sure about." FTR, the guy I lived with? Did propose later. And I don't think living together is generally a "why buy the cow?" situation that delays marriage either. My parents (Mom & Stepdad) moved in together after less than a year of dating and later got married. But clearly you don't move in with a woman with a kid unless you're really serious. So both partners need to already be on that serious page and not just the, "Wouldn't it be nice to save on rent!" page to start with and have it be about deepening their relationship. Moving Out At your age you've probably done this, no? So. . . you know it sucks. When you want to break up with someone and you live with them. . . it's totally awkward. And in this case, it's HIS apartment, so you'd for sure be the one leaving. Anything you added or did to that apartment, any attachment you formed to it? No more real than if he lives there alone, really, unless, as I said, you're PDS (pretty damn sure) you'll last. Do you like your current apartment? You'll have to start all over if you ever have to move out. Will you throw out any things? Can't get them back if you have to move out. All worth considering. Other Options Do you have a key to his place? Are you welcome whenever? I observe a lot of people doing slow trial move-ins these days instead of real move ins. Sure, you don't save any money, but that's really not what moving in is about for you, is it? Why not instead of actually moving in perhaps just talk about spending the whole week together there or more. Just because you keep your apartment doesn't mean you can't spend a good amount of time (and bring some of your stuff so you can de facto live there) to your BF's house if you want to try it out. I get the desire to progress the relationship, but I think you need to know more of his (and your!) thoughts about the future before a huge step like a move in. A move in, to me, is almost like "trial marriage." I don't think the length of time matters, but I do think having a significant idea of where you each expect this relationship to go prior to doing so does. And never ever ever move in for financial reasons! Saving a few hundred bucks a month is not worth giving up your place and potential moving out pains later. I'd actually say never do so for any other reason than you see this as your potentially final partnership (whether that means marriage to you or not), but that may be a bit extreme.
Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I think whomever rents or owns the apartment will have the upper hand in these living arrangements. When I ended with my ex GF all I had to do was change the locks and put her stuff in storage. She had no say in the matter. She went away on a trip and when she came back she was out of the home. That is something I could not have done if I was married. Thank God!
Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Well, I've seen people move in quick and it work out just fine, and I've seen people wait awhile and it end horribly and quickly after. I'm going to make a variety of points, based on my experiences of moving in (and then breaking up with that guy later) and observations, and they aren't all linked, so if it seems random, I apologize. What Comes First? Personally, I won't move in with a guy again before becoming engaged. Mostly because moving out? Sucks. But some people don't prioritize marriage (I do) and so they obviously WILL, and I think that's probably a different viewpoint. For them, I'd say, "Don't move in with someone you aren't pretty damn sure about." FTR, the guy I lived with? Did propose later. And I don't think living together is generally a "why buy the cow?" situation that delays marriage either. My parents (Mom & Stepdad) moved in together after less than a year of dating and later got married. But clearly you don't move in with a woman with a kid unless you're really serious. So both partners need to already be on that serious page and not just the, "Wouldn't it be nice to save on rent!" page to start with and have it be about deepening their relationship. Moving Out At your age you've probably done this, no? So. . . you know it sucks. When you want to break up with someone and you live with them. . . it's totally awkward. And in this case, it's HIS apartment, so you'd for sure be the one leaving. Anything you added or did to that apartment, any attachment you formed to it? No more real than if he lives there alone, really, unless, as I said, you're PDS (pretty damn sure) you'll last. Do you like your current apartment? You'll have to start all over if you ever have to move out. Will you throw out any things? Can't get them back if you have to move out. All worth considering. Other Options Do you have a key to his place? Are you welcome whenever? I observe a lot of people doing slow trial move-ins these days instead of real move ins. Sure, you don't save any money, but that's really not what moving in is about for you, is it? Why not instead of actually moving in perhaps just talk about spending the whole week together there or more. Just because you keep your apartment doesn't mean you can't spend a good amount of time (and bring some of your stuff so you can de facto live there) to your BF's house if you want to try it out. I get the desire to progress the relationship, but I think you need to know more of his (and your!) thoughts about the future before a huge step like a move in. A move in, to me, is almost like "trial marriage." I don't think the length of time matters, but I do think having a significant idea of where you each expect this relationship to go prior to doing so does. And never ever ever move in for financial reasons! Saving a few hundred bucks a month is not worth giving up your place and potential moving out pains later. I'd actually say never do so for any other reason than you see this as your potentially final partnership (whether that means marriage to you or not), but that may be a bit extreme. I love women with brains. That was a masterpiece of a post.
Casablanca Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 After my divorce and on the rebound I brought a young woman to my home. That was the biggest mistake of my life. IDEALLY A COUPLE SHOULD MOVE IN WHEN THEY HAD ALREADY PLANNED A FUTURE TOGETHER. It really doesnt matter as long as both people are fully committed to the serious relationship and have been together for a while...cant put a time limit on it....but marriage or engagement don't have to be in place before a move in I think 8 months is still a little too early....you sound like you're just envious of his place at the moment
Author Cee Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 Zen Girl created what could be a FAQ of moving in. Brilliant stuff. Yeah, I'm not interested in playing house. Time will tell if we are one of those couples who make it. If things stay on the current course, I think us moving in will become a forgone conclusion.
zengirl Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Zen Girl created what could be a FAQ of moving in. Brilliant stuff. Yeah, I'm not interested in playing house. Time will tell if we are one of those couples who make it. If things stay on the current course, I think us moving in will become a forgone conclusion. Aw, thanks. I think it's a good sign he was talking about where all your stuff could go and that the idea crossed your mind. It's fine if it crosses your mind long before you act on it---good to mull on these things, and this might start provoke both of you to deepen the relationship in other ways and get more to that point where time tells and such. And you can still totally garden in his awesome yard without moving in!
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