Pradajunkie Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 It's been awhile since I posted here.. a few years back I was struggling with my marriage.. and I posted my story way back when.. I decided to try and give it my best.. I tried to be compassionate, understanding.. we tried marriage counseling.. and I think what I've learned is that people will never change.. he is what he is and I am what I am, We are both responsible for the issues in our marriage, and I feel it's beyond repair. Neither of us will change and if I stay in this relationship I will be unhappy, confused and feel as if he is forever trying to control me. My question for those of you who have been through this. Is there a such thing as an amicable divorce? My children are my main concern, what is the best way to make this tumultuous situation as smooth as possible for them? If you could go back and change something to make it easier or better what would you change in the process of your divorce? What advice would you give to someone else going through this process?
doublerince Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 I am sorry you are at this point. If you have truly made a decision to divorce, and it can be amicable, then you need to discuss the children. I would recommend having your plan of where you will live, where he will live and the time split for the kids agreed upon before you talk with them. Uncertainty is the hardest part for children, and exacerbates the rollercoaster of feelings they will experience. Having definite plans in place will at least help them know what to expect. They won't like it, and it will hurt a ton, but you have to know that anyway. I would have them in counseling, even if they say they don't need it. I don't know how old your children are. Final parting thoughts, you can never, ever, ever take back the conversation telling them you and their father are not going to be together. It is an irreparable thing for a child to have their family separated. They will heal, and learn a different way, but just be very very certain this is what you want. I am still grieving that I had to do that to my children. As are they.
andyg99 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 . he is what he is and I am what I am, We are both responsible for the issues in our marriage, and I feel it's beyond repair. Neither of us will change and if I stay in this relationship I will be unhappy, confused and feel as if he is forever trying to control me. My question for those of you who have been through this. Is there a such thing as an amicable divorce? if he feels the same way as you do then it will probably be as amicable as any divorce can be. If he still wants to keep the marriage together and you want out then there can be problems. If that is the case then maybe go to counseling, this time with the goal of helping you both deal with the breakup and what you both need to do as far as the kids are concerned...
Author Pradajunkie Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 if he feels the same way as you do then it will probably be as amicable as any divorce can be. If he still wants to keep the marriage together and you want out then there can be problems. If that is the case then maybe go to counseling, this time with the goal of helping you both deal with the breakup and what you both need to do as far as the kids are concerned... Somedays, I think he and I are on the same page, other days he does things that indicate differently, I have a feeling it will be an initial shock. Then the realization that everything has been building to this moment.. My kids start school this week and I have an appointment with an attorney to discuss my options as well as what I should be doing legally. He's been so emotionally unstable lately I'm slightly nervous about just serving him with papers and have considered having the counselor intervene.. I've been speaking with her even though he stopped. Thanks for you advice it's much appreciated
Author Pradajunkie Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 I am sorry you are at this point. If you have truly made a decision to divorce, and it can be amicable, then you need to discuss the children. I would recommend having your plan of where you will live, where he will live and the time split for the kids agreed upon before you talk with them. Uncertainty is the hardest part for children, and exacerbates the rollercoaster of feelings they will experience. Having definite plans in place will at least help them know what to expect. They won't like it, and it will hurt a ton, but you have to know that anyway. I would have them in counseling, even if they say they don't need it. I don't know how old your children are. Final parting thoughts, you can never, ever, ever take back the conversation telling them you and their father are not going to be together. It is an irreparable thing for a child to have their family separated. They will heal, and learn a different way, but just be very very certain this is what you want. I am still grieving that I had to do that to my children. As are they. My children are aged 9 to 15.. They know something is going on.. Children are so receptive to emotional turmoil... I do plan on putting them in counseling, and while divorce isn't a positive, my goal is to let them know that no matter how we live in a household, we are both still their parents and we both still love them and will be there for them.. Hopefully my stbx will be able to keep his accusations and finger pointing to his friends and leave his kids out of it.. thank you for your reply
debtman Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Pradajunkie, Sorry about the situation, but you can certainly have an amicable divorce. My stbx left me 9 months ago for OM, we were married 7 years, and have 2 young children (6 & 4). Not saying there haven't been some issues, but, overall, here's my 2 cents. 1) remember that your relationship is over. You no longer have to "fix" anything or even discuss anything that doesn't deal with the kids directly. On MANY occasions, my stbx tried to draw me into an argument, would point fingers and make accusations trying to force me to defend myself or get into a yelling match with her (so she could justify her actions) and I would just remind myself that it's all about the kids at this point and there's nothing she can do or say that affects me at this point. After a few months of that, she sort of gave up and we don't argue about things any more. When it comes to the kids, we're able to discuss things, come up with compromises, etc. 2) Focus your attention on the kids. My kids have done great with this. Completely floors me how adaptable they are. They are younger than yours, but much of it depends on how it's presented to them. I was very leery when my stbx said she wanted to present it as some sort of adventure, or exciting change and I let her take care of explaining it to the kids while I was there. It actually went very well and, after numerous assurances that we both love them, this was in no way their fault, etc. they both seemed fine with it. I also called my daughter's school counselor and teacher and got both of them involved, keeping an eye on her and got advice from both of them. 3) one of the most difficult things is dealing with seeing OM around, knowing he spends so much time with my kids, etc. I wish she would have waited longer to introduce him into the equation, but all I can do is spend as much time with them as I can and NEVER say anything derogatory towards her or OM. Sorry you're going through this, but it can work out better for everyone and the kids will surprise you... Good luck and keep posting...
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