doublerince Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Hi all, thought I'd post as today has been pretty hard. Background: married 14 years, and he told me it was over December 6. This summer was difficult with our kids, especially when it hit them that we would not be doing our family vacations together. He took them to his side's summer home, and I took them to my parents' place. Hard to watch my 11 year old daughter cry herself to sleep because she "just wants to have a whole family on vacation together, and it is making her soooo sad". I could have thrown up, it was so upsetting. Today is his birthday, and my kids are with him and his family celebrating. I don't want to be with him ever again, and want the divorce to finalize. The thing that is so heavy today is realizing that I loved our life together. I loved his family, still do. I loved our times together, and that is over. I have to face how we will divvy up the school breaks, and long weekends etc., and that is sad. Just needed to let it out. thx
worldgonewrong Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 I feel your pain, doublerince. Don't know how spouses who bust up families live with themselves...Lots of mental equivocation, I guess.
Author doublerince Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 Interesting choice of words, WGW. I guess I am honest enough with myself to know what my responsibilities were to our marriage issues. His rationalization for not trying are dumbfounding to me. How can you not try? We went to MC for three months or so, when I cornered him again to ask why nothing had changed. Just unbelievable to me, still, that he could look our three children in the face, (and myself) and not want to do everything in our power to fix things. No drugs, alcohol issues, cheating, (that I know of) abuse, etc. When I originally starting reading the threads on LS, I read yours. How are things now? Hope you are doing better.
debtman Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 doublerince, Sorry to hear about your situation. Yes, the rationalization and the fantasy land that the leaving spouse can create is stunning and shattering. I've gotten so many emails from my stbx that are just complete lies about our relationship. I certainly wasn't perfect and I recognize my short-comings, but, so many of the things she said are just complete untruths...but, it's what she has to tell herself to be able to justify what she's done to our family. Now, 9 months later, I can see that her fantasy world has crumbled a bit and I get occasional glimpses of regret and remorse, but, as much as I miss the life of a family that I loved (even with all its trials & tribulations), I do love my new life that I'm building. I love the freedom and flexibility that I have, I love the attention that I can give to my kids and, it's nice to know that there are lots of women out there who are interested when I decide I'm ready to start dating again. So, I agree, it's very difficult sometimes. I hate having to explain to my kids sometimes why we can't all live together anymore, why I don't get them on some holidays, why I can't come over for dinner with mommy (no matter how many times she asks me), etc. However, life is a fantastic adventure and I've got so many amazing things to look forward to, so many incredible things to experience with my kids, myself and, eventually, the person I will get in a relationship with. Good luck and keep posting...
andyg99 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Hi all, thought I'd post as today has been pretty hard. Background: married 14 years, and he told me it was over December 6. This summer was difficult with our kids, especially when it hit them that we would not be doing our family vacations together. He took them to his side's summer home, and I took them to my parents' place. Hard to watch my 11 year old daughter cry herself to sleep because she "just wants to have a whole family on vacation together, and it is making her soooo sad". I could have thrown up, it was so upsetting. Today is his birthday, and my kids are with him and his family celebrating. I don't want to be with him ever again, and want the divorce to finalize. The thing that is so heavy today is realizing that I loved our life together. I loved his family, still do. I loved our times together, and that is over. I have to face how we will divvy up the school breaks, and long weekends etc., and that is sad. Just needed to let it out. thx it is sad - you almost have to look at these situations as a kind of death. There are times together and family things that just won't ever happen again. But just like in an actual death the survivors move on and continue with their lives - no matter how much we missed that person we know we must not only go on but we must thrive and enjoy life to the fullest... you will miss those things less and less and eventually you'll find you are creating new traditions and new memories! My kids are grown now and the greatest memories I have are the post-divorce times... Hang in there!
skywriter Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 It really made, the bond between, my kids and myself even stronger when my H walked out. At first we mourned it individually. Then we just went into a survival mode for lack of a better word. As Andy said, it was as if he died in a sense. All the things we allowed ourselves to depend on him for, we depended on one another for. Actually, we eventually became aware that a burdon or weight was lifted off us. It was apparent in ways never spoken that he was kinda checked out anyway. So, it got easier, when we accepted it and made our life about us three. Now I get along fine with my kids dad. I wish him no ill, never have. Time really is a healer.
Author doublerince Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 Skywriter, Andy, and Debtman, thank you all for your words of encouragement. I have also looked at the process as a sense of grieving. It was interesting that yesterday was a harder one, after some pretty routine weeks. We are still not through the legal jungle, so that will not be easy. The emotional stuff only comes through heavily now when it is a date that was meaningful during our marriage, ie. birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc. One of my twin daughters asked me tonight if I was still "good friends" with her dad. I wanted to gag, but said we would always share the three of you children, so yes, there is that bond. Best evasive, but sort-of-true answer I could come up with off the cuff. I do look forward to having a full life with someone again, but not for a while. Yesterday made me realize how much I treasure family, and just the normal activities families do together. I want that again, although I am not sure my kids are young enough to bond well with a newcomer. Time will tell. Thanks again all.
andyg99 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I do look forward to having a full life with someone again, but not for a while. Yesterday made me realize how much I treasure family, and just the normal activities families do together. I want that again, although I am not sure my kids are young enough to bond well with a newcomer. Time will tell. Thanks again all. a new life with someone else should be about #249 on your list of priorities now! raise your kids and you will realize that you already have everything you need in life...
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