is having a child or an abortion more damaging to a relationship?

[ThsAmericanLife]

If I was in this situation and had an unplanned pregnancy because the condom didn't work, I'd push for an abortion right away. Being a father now would pretty much mess up my life.

 

... and on which date do you tell a potential new girlfriend this??

 

If the birth control doesn't work, you are on your own sweetheart.... Nice.

[Kamille]

Who's to say he's not the one who would change his mind? And who's to say they would change their minds at all?

 

Abortion isn't a solution to be taken lightly. They'll both have emotional repercussions from it, probably her more than him. Most of my friends who've had abortions say they mostly know they did the right thing, but a few of them have gone on to regret it. They all report having dreams about it, to this day. I don't know anyone who's given up a child for adoption but do have friends who have been adopted. These friends are all thankful for their adoptive parents and couldn't imagine their lives unfolding any other way (I'm in Canada where we used to have a fairly good adoption system. I don't know how it fares nowadays.) I have friends who've kept the child. They, of course, do not regret their choice, but I think there's something about parenthood that makes them say that.

 

When it comes to relationships: Only one relationship survived having the child. But then, none of the relationships survived the abortions. The emotional toll of an abortion is pretty high.

 

When it comes to financial security:

 

I have a friend who had a baby when she was 16. She never asked for child support, but that's besides the point.

 

Here is my point:

 

She struggled throughout her twenties. She managed to put herself through school while raising a child. The father was out of the picture, so she got help from friend and family.

 

Now, she's in her late 30s, her child is all grown up and she is focussing on her career. Companies are fighting over her, offering her contracts.

 

Was it easy? No. Does she regret it? Absolutely not. In fact, one could now argue that she's better off than most people.

 

Having a child as a teenager doesn't have to be a death sentence.

Edited August 14, 2011 by Kamille

[sportsfan1]

well I've looked up some parts it doesn't look so good that way. Idk how though it goes for young families... Maybe we're just doomed idk

[somedude81]

... and on which date do you tell a potential new girlfriend this??

 

If the birth control doesn't work, you are on your own sweetheart.... Nice.

Uh, do people ever talk about that?

 

Having a child as a teenager doesn't have to be a death sentence.

But it's an unnecessary pain that affects more than just one person.

 

And who's to say they would change their minds at all?

It's a risk. I don't think it's a good idea to gamble with ones future.

 

none of the relationships survived the abortions.

Still sounds better than bringing an unwanted child into the world.

[Kamille]

 

 

Still sounds better than bringing an unwanted child into the world.

 

I'm just teasing you now, but, if they change their mind and decide they want the child - or if they give the baby up for adoption to a family who wants it... Then the child would be, well, wanted.

 

But let me make myself clear. I wholeheartedly believe that the choice is Sportfan's and his gf's. I'm glad he's involved in the process of thinking this through and I hope that whatever they decide is the best decision for them.

 

Now that she is pregnant, they have three options:

 

1) Keep the kid

2) Have an abortion

3) Give up for adoption

 

They should consider all the pros and cons of the three options. There are important emotional and financial repercussions to each that should be considered. In the end they need to pick the one that matches their core values and their aspirations.

[D-Lish]

My ex and I went through this about 6 months ago- and the whole situation just blew our relationship apart.

 

I wanted to keep the baby and he didn't- we were in the midst of figuring it out when I had a miscarriage at almost 4 months. My body went insane when I was pregnant, and so did my emotions. I slept ALL the time and just didn't feel all that great in general.

 

My bf left me a couple weeks after the miscarriage. I'm still not over what happened.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Uh, do people ever talk about that?.

 

Actually, yes they do. I'm happy to talk about these things before having sex with someone. Goes along with the STD tests and other things responsible adults talk about before having sex.

 

So, you are willing to play roulette with your future rather than have a discussion? Ah no, you're not.

 

You want to make a woman feel like she's in a real relationship until the consequences of that 'relationship' settle in on YOU. What happens to her after that is HER problem not yours...

 

Nice...

[zengirl]

A friend and I were just discussing this the other day (in a purely hypothetical way). We are both pro-choice women in their mid20s. Neither of us has had an abortion or is sure what we'd do if in that situation and in bad circumstances (like the baby's father was someone we'd broken up with or something), but we both said we could never have an abortion and then stay with the baby's father. Just couldn't do it.

 

But again, we're at a point in our lives where it's not terribly tragic (it would be unfortunate to get pregnant, but if it were with a guy I loved and thought I could be with, and he was okay with being with me, then I'd be okay). And if it accidentally happened and he WASN'T down with committing to me and the baby, then I'd know the relationship was over anyway. (What I'd do then, I'm not sure. Let's hope I'm not some kind of freak accident BC fail that has to find out.)

[ThsAmericanLife]

My ex and I went through this about 6 months ago- and the whole situation just blew our relationship apart.

 

I wanted to keep the baby and he didn't- we were in the midst of figuring it out when I had a miscarriage at almost 4 months. My body went insane when I was pregnant, and so did my emotions. I slept ALL the time and just didn't feel all that great in general.

 

My bf left me a couple weeks after the miscarriage. I'm still not over what happened.

 

 

I'm really sad for you. I admire your bravery for sharing your story here.

[D-Lish]

I'm really sad for you. I admire your bravery for sharing your story here.

 

Thanks, it's okay- I've shared the story here before.

 

Going through something so intense is a real indication of how strong your relationship is. He wasn't strong enough to go through that with me.

 

The shock of both those losses still affect me 5 months later.

[sportsfan1]

My ex and I went through this about 6 months ago- and the whole situation just blew our relationship apart.

 

I wanted to keep the baby and he didn't- we were in the midst of figuring it out when I had a miscarriage at almost 4 months. My body went insane when I was pregnant, and so did my emotions. I slept ALL the time and just didn't feel all that great in general.

 

My bf left me a couple weeks after the miscarriage. I'm still not over what happened.

I'm so sorry. That must've been tough. You're very courageous btw.

 

I'm still looking up stuff

@zengirl we've just graduated hs on top of several reasons. But you're right I guess. We're in love. I just don't want it to be ruined. I value it more than anything. I guess both ways I risk it. I guess though I'd rather be single than a single dad. I don't want to just be left with the kid to raise myself. I guess it's weighing

to see which way we have more of our relationship to survive. I think maybe counselling will reveal that. But I think we already know the answer...

Edited August 14, 2011 by sportsfan1

[rafallus]

He doesn't "have" to support her.

 

If he doesn't care about her, then of course not.

[sm1tten]

Definitely don't envy this situation. I don't want children, but I had a miscarriage (didn't know I was pregnant) right after breaking up with my long term boyfriend. It was a very emotional time. He would have wanted to keep it, I wouldn't have. But the option to make that decision was removed.

 

The one thing that you can be certain of is that no matter what you choose, your relationship will never be the same. Especially because you are so young.

 

What do your families think? Do they even know?

[D-Lish]

Definitely don't envy this situation. I don't want children, but I had a miscarriage (didn't know I was pregnant) right after breaking up with my long term boyfriend. It was a very emotional time. He would have wanted to keep it, I wouldn't have. But the option to make that decision was removed.

 

The one thing that you can be certain of is that no matter what you choose, your relationship will never be the same. Especially because you are so young.

 

What do your families think? Do they even know?

 

This is so true. No matter what you choose, it will have an impact on your relationship.

[sportsfan1]

Definitely don't envy this situation. I don't want children, but I had a miscarriage (didn't know I was pregnant) right after breaking up with my long term boyfriend. It was a very emotional time. He would have wanted to keep it, I wouldn't have. But the option to make that decision was removed.

 

The one thing that you can be certain of is that no matter what you choose, your relationship will never be the same. Especially because you are so young.

 

What do your families think? Do they even know?

 

mine don't know. And her mom does because a friendof her friend's parent told her but she doesn't have anything to do with her. Her mom's mentally ill and abusedher in every way possible so she got emancipated a year and a half ago. So no never heard much about either side on their opinion. But I know my parents would want her to abort they don't like her to start with.

[sportsfan1]

well this afternoon was the afternoon she stood me up at the appointment. I guessshes planing to keep it. She was asleep again and in the other room she had all new purchases for the baby.

[D-Lish]

well this afternoon was the afternoon she stood me up at the appointment. I guessshes planing to keep it. She was asleep again and in the other room she had all new purchases for the baby.

 

So what are you going to do?

[somedude81]

well this afternoon was the afternoon she stood me up at the appointment. I guessshes planing to keep it. She was asleep again and in the other room she had all new purchases for the baby.

Damn, what a terrible situation to be in.

 

First the condom fails and now this.

 

What do you want to do? What do you wish could happen?

[D-Lish]

Damn, what a terrible situation to be in.

 

First the condom fails and now this.

 

What do you want to do? What do you wish could happen?

 

Terrible for which party, him or her?

[somedude81]

Him of course. It's obvious he doesn't want it.

 

"well this afternoon was the afternoon she stood me up at the appointment."

 

My guess is that he was at an abortion clinic waiting for her and she didn't show up.

 

Now he's stuck being a father and has no choice about it. He either can help raise it, or pay child support. Does that sound fair?

 

It sucks that the only form of male birth control aside from getting snipped is a condom, and that failed. From then on, the woman has all the power.

[D-Lish]

Him of course. It's obvious he doesn't want it.

 

"well this afternoon was the afternoon she stood me up at the appointment."

 

My guess is that he was at an abortion clinic waiting for her and she didn't show up.

 

Now he's stuck being a father and has no choice about it. He either can help raise it, or pay child support. Does that sound fair?

 

It sucks that the only form of male birth control aside from getting snipped is a condom, and that failed. From then on, the woman has all the power.

 

You've lost all my respect in one post.

 

Two people enter into a consensual, sexual relationship, a condom breaks, all hell breaks loose. Somehow in your naive outlook on life she's the ridiculous whore and he's a victim.

 

Who is really stuck here? Is it really him? Who does the ultimate burden of raising the child fall upon? Not him.

 

Men suck.

[Ayla]

OMG-I feel for you and your girlfriend. At the age of 19, I accidently fell pregnant (the pill failed) to my boyfriend of 3 years. I was a mess, and it was such a difficult time for me. Unfortunately my bf was a druggo and wouldn't answer my calls when I tried to tell him. Eventually I got hold of him, and told him. He came home 2 days later stoned off his face.

 

It was so difficult for me, because I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I struggled with the decision, as my bf didn't want the baby. Eventually I decided that it was not fair on the baby to bring her/him into the world when I was still so young, living with my parents and with a druggo father. I was so upset...it took a long time to decide, and something I will never do again. We stayed together for another 2 years.

 

When I had the operation, it didn't work, and had an infection that required me to go back into theatre. It could have affected my chances of falling pregnant again.

 

Now 13 years on, my chances of falling pregnant again are slim due to a different health complication...and between you, me and the fence post, I do regret having the abortion.

 

I feel for you, and I feel for her also. It is not an easy decision. I have a question for you-why do you think you would be the one primarily looking after the baby?

[somedude81]

Two people enter into a consensual, sexual relationship, a condom breaks, all hell breaks loose.

One person decides if the baby is born or not and what to do with it, if it is.

 

Who is really stuck here? Is it really him? Who does the ultimate burden of raising the child fall upon? Not him.

If he doesn't want it, and she does; why should he get any burden?

 

As I said before, the only power a man has, is to wear a condom or get a vasectomy. No doctor would preform a vasectomy on a teenager and even then, who says he's not going to want to have children when he's ready?

 

He did the only thing he could.

 

So why do men suck?

[sportsfan1]

So what are you going to do?

 

chances are I'm going to have to take care of it if we splitbit up as I am obviously more prepared even though neither of us are.

 

she said she'd goand meet me home and I textedher and she said she'd meet me there. And she didn't show up. I had triedto contact no answer. I went to work cameback home and she was asleep with stuffshe boughtfor the baby. She went big shopping with herfriend who bought her lots of stuff.

[somedude81]

sportsfan1, what do you want to do and or want to happen?