sportsfan1 Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Well I'm hoping others have had experience with unplanned pregnancy and relationships like what is moreof a strain? my gf is having emotional issues going into deep depression. And she is getting negative feedback from friends for choosing abortion. Ibe told her how I felt and she realizes we're not ready. Yet it seemsbetween us we're having trouble and we haven't even chosen to do it yet. But it seems to me emotionally she's not really ready to have a child and essentially it would end up being mainly my responsibility. I know kids bring a lot of stress and I feel it would ruin our relationship. But I also fear she resents me and will leave me. I mean if parenting was the best for our relationship I'd think it was a good idea but I can't possibly think it is with so much stress. I don't want to lose her. Either way that is. Has anyone experienced this and which do you think was better for the relationship?
rafallus Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 It's a pretty traumatic event, even if she chose it. You better support her emotionally, otherwise you can kiss her goodbye.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 You sound selfish... you (or both of you) chose not to use enough protection. She is facing the very real physical consequences and stigma of having an abortion, and all you have to worry about is whether she will break up with you or how much responsibility will have been on you?? Um... 9 months and life-changing health risks of having a baby is no cake walk either... Can I ask... whom talked whom out of using condoms?? Where is your responsibility in this?? Do you accept any? Doesn't sound like it.
lonelyheartbeat Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 I can't say I've had first-hand experience, however, I have a close relative who was dating a girl. Honestly, both of them weren't ready to have a child. But regardless of that, I think my relative wanted the child. His girlfriend ultimately made the decision to have an abortion. The choice was made more out of fear of what her mother would say/do if she were to find out. The day of the abortion, I remember my relative coming over. This day is as clear to me as if it were yesterday. He walked to me, pulled me from my chair and hugged me. His face was just a mask of agony. Needless to say, his relationship with this woman deteriorated. He said something was lost for him when she made that decision to have an abortion. After that, he slowly disconnected from him. The epilogue to this story is that both of them moved on. My relative now has a wonderful fiancee whom he's poised to marry any moment now. And I recently heard that his ex is now married and had another child. I guess what I've learned from this story is that sometimes you have to do what you think is best. You have to weigh all the options and think of what's best for everyone concerned, not just yourself.
xoxoDaniellexoxo Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 I have had a friend who miscarried and I know that for them it was devastating because they WANTED that baby to be a part of their lives. They were engaged when she got pregnant and started getting a nursary together ASAP. They almost didn't make it through because she pushed him away a lot. I think if you aren't ready for a child then it's the right decision, NO ONE has the right to tell a woman what she can and cannot do with her body and if her friends don't support her then they aren't very good friends.
Author sportsfan1 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 uh yea I used a condom. You could've just asked. And I'trying to comfort her nothing seems to help her. She's been in bed and won't get up the third straight day in a row. Like she's guilting me almost. And she won't even talk to me she always says I know what the issue is so don't ask. I don't know. Well I'm mostly worried how emotionally this is going to take its toll. Like if its worst for her. Was I wrong for letting her know the reality of the situation. I don't know like what we are about to get ourselves into by this.
xoxoDaniellexoxo Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 uh yea I used a condom. You could've just asked. And I'trying to comfort her nothing seems to help her. She's been in bed and won't get up the third straight day in a row. Like she's guilting me almost. And she won't even talk to me she always says I know what the issue is so don't ask. I don't know. Well I'm mostly worried how emotionally this is going to take its toll. Like if its worst for her. Was I wrong for letting her know the reality of the situation. I don't know like what we are about to get ourselves into by this. She may need to see a doctor, I think it is harder for her. For her it is scary because it is her body that the baby is in and she has to decide what to do. NOT SAYING IT IS NOT HARD FOR YOU! If she can't talk to you then she really needs to talk to someone, her mom or bestfriend or even a therapist. Depression is like a well, the farther down you go the harder it is to see the light at the top. I really hope she feels better and everything works out for the best
Author sportsfan1 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 she actually does want it. But on theemotional level she seems to have sort of bonded, it wasn't til I found out and we talked about it and well logically speaking we both agree we shouldn't have it. It's like both ways I lose. Like now if we were to have it she'd be ok now but in less than 7 months things would be different and I don't know what would be easier for us as a couple. We've been together 4 years despite we're still in our teens... You see we've put so much into our relationship I don't just want to lose it to this...
somedude81 Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 In this situation, I think it would be best for her to get an abortion. You two can always have another child when you are ready. Having a child can put a huge strain on the relationship. It would greatly affect both of your lives. Of course the child would be greatly affected coming into that situation.
John Michael Kane Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 It's a pretty traumatic event, even if she chose it. You better support her emotionally, otherwise you can kiss her goodbye. He doesn't "have" to support her.
Author sportsfan1 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 She may need to see a doctor, I think it is harder for her. For her it is scary because it is her body that the baby is in and she has to decide what to do. NOT SAYING IT IS NOT HARD FOR YOU! If she can't talk to you then she really needs to talk to someone, her mom or bestfriend or even a therapist. Depression is like a well, the farther down you go the harder it is to see the light at the top. I really hope she feels better and everything works out for the best we plan counselling. But she's downspiralling so fast over the weekend. I guess it can be an issue we bring up on Tuesday.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 she actually does want it. But on theemotional level she seems to have sort of bonded, it wasn't til I found out and we talked about it and well logically speaking we both agree we shouldn't have it. It's like both ways I lose. Like now if we were to have it she'd be ok now but in less than 7 months things would be different and I don't know what would be easier for us as a couple. We've been together 4 years despite we're still in our teens... You see we've put so much into our relationship I don't just want to lose it to this... You might as well write off this relationship now. She isnt talking to you because she really wanted the baby, maybe because she has nothing else to be ambitious about? She obviously wants to start a family, even when she cant afford it. Your relationship might have been in trouble if she thought she needed to fill a void by having a baby, or maybe she really wanted to start a family with you. BUT, you killed all that by telling her you didnt want a baby, so now she knows you two arent on the same page. Did she tell you what her friends said, or did you hear it from their mouths? I tend to be cynical about whether or not she would have made up what her friends say. Only because its worse if she listens to what her friends say, when it comes to ruining her life. If she has the type of friends that would rather see her have a baby, rather than waiting until shes financially and mentally ready which is better for her. I know you invested alot in this relationship, but she seems to think it doesnt amount to beans when you didnt want a baby like she did. This relationship is over, so leave her alone now, dont smother her, dont try to convince her. Now is the time you need to let her look for you, let her miss you. Let her realize that she should be with you instead of without you. If not, then let the next guy knock her up and struggle with her. You made the right decision (except for the avoiding birth control part). You dont want to struggle financially, but your relationship was doomed because you two were never on the same page...if she told you she would want to abort months ago in a hypothetical scenario, she lied.
Ddeepprreesseedd Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 PLEASE CONSIDER ADOPTION! Why kill a human being? It might be just one centimeter or few centimeters big but it's a human being mevertheless. It is not a "clump of cells", don't let media fool you. Rather than going through trauma of killing, health consequences, and guilt that will inevitably come, why not give a child up for adoption? There are so many wonderful couples right here in America that want to adopt. A friend of mine and her husband adopted a beautiful baby girl from their home state. They are the most wonderful people I've met and are well suited to raise this child. They love their adoptive daughter so much and will continue giving her all the love, care, and happiness that she is worth of. Think about it: the child gets to live and you make some wonderful parents incredibly happy.
richardwordoff Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 This decision is ultimately her's (and some yours; she could always have it whether you want her to or not). Nobody on here can really help you decide either way, and even if we could we (or at least me) probably wouldn't feel comfortable telling you what to do with such a delicate situation. -- First of all, once that egg is fertilized life has been created. Medical fact. -- When the baby's heart starts to beat: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/When_does_a_fetus_develop_a_heart_beat (6-8 weeks) -- What a unborn baby looks like at each week of pregnancy: http://www.babycenter.com/fetal-development-images-7-weeks -- When a fetus can start to feel pain: http://www.abortionfacts.com/online_books/love_them_both/why_cant_we_love_them_both_14.asp (8 weeks) So you used a condom? Was she on birth control? How long has she been pregnant?
xoxoDaniellexoxo Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 we plan counselling. But she's downspiralling so fast over the weekend. I guess it can be an issue we bring up on Tuesday. Just keep an eye on her and from family experience with depression you need to know that right now she can't think very rationally so you have to understand her thinking process and perception is scewed right now. Take care of her and I wish you the best!!! And if she does need medication make sure it is safe while pregnant. All the best!!
Kamille Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 You say she spends her days in bed. It is pretty common for pregnant women to experience fatigue in their first trimester, as their bodies adjust to the hormones. It certainly explains why she might seem more emotional than usual. Everyone gets more emotional when they're fatigued. You may feel she's doing it to make you feel guilty, but there likely is a very real physical component to her fatigue. Just FYI. There is a third option you two could look into: adoption. Have you considered and talked about it?
somedude81 Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Did nobody get the part that they are both teenagers?
Author sportsfan1 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 You might as well write off this relationship now. She isnt talking to you because she really wanted the baby, maybe because she has nothing else to be ambitious about? She obviously wants to start a family, even when she cant afford it. Your relationship might have been in trouble if she thought she needed to fill a void by having a baby, or maybe she really wanted to start a family with you. BUT, you killed all that by telling her you didnt want a baby, so now she knows you two arent on the same page. Did she tell you what her friends said, or did you hear it from their mouths? I tend to be cynical about whether or not she would have made up what her friends say. Only because its worse if she listens to what her friends say, when it comes to ruining her life. If she has the type of friends that would rather see her have a baby, rather than waiting until shes financially and mentally ready which is better for her. I know you invested alot in this relationship, but she seems to think it doesnt amount to beans when you didnt want a baby like she did. This relationship is over, so leave her alone now, dont smother her, dont try to convince her. Now is the time you need to let her look for you, let her miss you. Let her realize that she should be with you instead of without you. If not, then let the next guy knock her up and struggle with her. You made the right decision (except for the avoiding birth control part). You dont want to struggle financially, but your relationship was doomed because you two were never on the same page...if she told you she would want to abort months ago in a hypothetical scenario, she lied. I don't think she tried to do this. She uses bc but not that week she hadn't told me then. I would do anything for her to not leave. I'd go through it if it meant we'd stay together. It's just I wonder if I'd just deal with this in 7 months and with a child on top of it. I don't know may e adoption could be an option if this falls apart. I just don't really trust her. Thanks guys for your input I just wanted personal experience I guess.
Author sportsfan1 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 Just keep an eye on her and from family experience with depression you need to know that right now she can't think very rationally so you have to understand her thinking process and perception is scewed right now. Take care of her and I wish you the best!!! And if she does need medication make sure it is safe while pregnant. All the best!! thanks and I am
Kamille Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Did nobody get the part that they are both teenagers? I did. It doesn't change my advice. They should consider all their options. Sportsfan is already doing pretty well: he's taking his feeling into consideration, trying to understand hers and prioritizing the relationship. I was just explaining an aspect of what's affecting her right now and mentioning a third option. He says he feels she bonded with the fetus. For some people - teenagers in particular - adoption is easier to fathom than abortion.
somedude81 Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 My problem with adoption is that while they may decide that they are going to put the baby up for adoption. All that may go out window when the baby is born and she wants to keep it. Now what?
Kamille Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 My problem with adoption is that while they may decide that they are going to put the baby up for adoption. All that may go out window when the baby is born and she wants to keep it. Now what? Then they'd be pretty much where they are now, trying to figure out if they're ready to have a baby or not.
Author sportsfan1 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 Just keep an eye on her and from family experience with depression you need to know that right now she can't think very rationally so you have to understand her thinking process and perception is scewed right now. Take care of her and I wish you the best!!! And if she does need medication make sure it is safe while pregnant. All the best!! My problem with adoption is that while they may decide that they are going to put the baby up for adoption. All that may go out window when the baby is born and she wants to keep it. Now what? this my biggest issue plus she's not much into it.
somedude81 Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 (edited) Then they'd be pretty much where they are now, trying to figure out if they're ready to have a baby or not. Uh, but they'd already have the baby and she wants to keep it. Now they're going to have to dicide if they are going to stay together. How it's going to affect their school and work. He'd stuck being a father when he has no desire to do so. If they don't stay together he'll end up having to pay child support. Frankly, if they do decide to stay together and raise it, they are going to struggle. And odds are it won't work. Unless there is a legal binding contract that she will put it up for adoption, there is no guarantee that she will. Abortion just gets it over with. If I was in this situation and had an unplanned pregnancy because the condom didn't work, I'd push for an abortion right away. Being a father now would pretty much mess up my life. Edited August 14, 2011 by somedude81
xoxoDaniellexoxo Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 this my biggest issue plus she's not much into it. I know that it is SUPER hard for you, right now between the hormones and the mood she may not be able to appricate your feelings. I know that that dosnt sound fair, but I know people who have gone through postpardom depression and their spouses still don't understand why their partners didn't understand their feelings. Right now she is in a state where she can HEAR you but she cannot LISTEN. I know that saying, "just be caring" isn't a good answer, be supportive but also TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! If that means having a beer with your friend or watching TV then do it. Stay healthy both of you
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