mavlast Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 [i've posted something about this before, but I wanted to update, plus my old post has faded into obscurity] I've been talking to this girl on the phone for a while, and we met on Friday (it's now Sunday morning where I live). On the phone she implied that she really liked me a lot, and that she wanted to intimate. But on the date, she said that she "doesn't kiss on the first date"! What's more I haven't gotten a single text or call since we met, despite the fact that nothing went wrong on the date, and that we'd talked about specific times that we could meet again. If she had really been lukewarm before, and I had to sort of cajole her into meeting me, that would be one thing. Just not interested, move on. But that was far from the case. Not that someone has to deliver on every single promise made on the phone ... and meeting someone in person is obviously different ... but backing up ten miles on the date and not even contacting me afterwards, sans éxplication, after sending such strong signals about deep affection for me on the phone, goes beyond being annoying and ambiguous and crosses squarely into b-tch territory. Now I think she's an awesome girl, she's not at all experienced with dating, apparently I remind her of someone that broke her heart, and she's told me that she doesn't believe in daily contact. Those things are keeping me from just telling her to get lost. But this is seriously pissing me off. She's told me that she believes in openness and honesty ... should I tell her about my observations and give her one more chance? If not, what do you suggest?
LittleTiger Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Seems to me you both made the classic mistake of getting too 'friendly' on the phone. She liked you 'to talk to' and you started talking about intimacy before you'd even met. When she met you, she discovered she wasn't attracted to you, so she withdrew very fast. You could try giving her a ring and asking if she's interested in meeting up again and just guage her reaction. I'd guess she isn't and just the slightest hestitation on her part will tell you that. The alternative is to just forget her and move on.
Author mavlast Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 Well ... I mean it wasn't just intimacy we were talking about. She said some fairly deep things. For one she's Christian and I'm non-religious, and she said that God had apparently "brought me to her" to help me see him. Seems a little weird that God's will changed so quickly! Also, we talked about some rough spots in both of our pasts because "she trusted me." Other similar things. And on the date, I looked exactly like I do in my online photos -- I even wore the same shirt. And my behaviour was exactly the same as it was on the phone. It's not that I can't accept someone changing their mind, but it's just bizarre, and this is not the nicest way to go about it. You don't just dump someone cold-pan after building them up like that, and especially not after giving them the hint that you want to see them again. It's tempting to say something, but I think that that would be jerky, especially since we are not official.
LittleTiger Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 It doesn't matter how 'close' you both think you got on the phone. It can all disappear in seconds if the physical attraction isn't there. It doesn't matter if you were exactly the same in person, wore the same clothes and looked the same - physical attraction for women is about a lot more than looks. You're right that she hasn't been very kind in the way she's gone about this but I'd be willing to bet she just decided that she's not interested 'sexually' and doesn't know how to tell you.
Author mavlast Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 I just politely texted something about "I guess seeing someone in person is different than on the phone, too bad it didn't work out, etc." If I don't get anything back, I can assume that there's agreement. Otherwise, strong hint in the person's general direction.
triphopper414 Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 I would just move on. It seems like things she told you such as "you remind me of someone who broke my heart" and not talking on a daily basis are excuses that a) she does not want to see you b) she is not interested. She could be very lonely and there is a lot of comfort in strangers because they listen blindly. I think you are being too understanding. I would just flat out ask her what her problem is and take it from there. Be honest about it.
Author mavlast Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 Yeah, I added "At the same time, I'm interested in what changed your mind. I'm not going to insist, but you did seem interested on the phone." Not desperate, not cornering, not threatening -- just a detached question. She has a chance to tell all since I've let her off the hook, and at the same time, if she is truly still interested, this question might lead to some productive talk.
LittleTiger Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 I would just move on. It seems like things she told you such as "you remind me of someone who broke my heart" and not talking on a daily basis are excuses that a) she does not want to see you b) she is not interested. She could be very lonely and there is a lot of comfort in strangers because they listen blindly. I think you are being too understanding. I would just flat out ask her what her problem is and take it from there. Be honest about it. How can you be 'too understanding'? Put yourself in her shoes. If you went on a date with a girl you had thought you would really like and then when you met her you weren't attracted to her - how would you feel? Wouldn't you feel awkward and unsure what to do next? Don't to be too hard on her, she hasn't done anything wrong except discover that she doesn't 'like' you the way she thought she would - assuming that's what's going on here.
Author mavlast Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 However, if she does say something like "Oh no, no, no ... I'm not uninterested, I've just been busy. Let's go out this week and talk later, etc." then what do I say? Something similar happened about a week ago. However, the fact remains that this routine is getting very tiresome and I'd like to know what's going on.
LittleTiger Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 However, if she does say something like "Oh no, no, no ... I'm not uninterested, I've just been busy. Let's go out this week and talk later, etc." then what do I say? Something similar happened about a week ago. However, the fact remains that this routine is getting very tiresome and I'd like to know what's going on. You make a fixed date while you're on the phone with her. If she flakes on you, then you move on.
Author mavlast Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 But Tiger, I don't want to make another date if I'm just being messed with or entertained or if this is just going to go nowhere.
LittleTiger Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 But Tiger, I don't want to make another date if I'm just being messed with or entertained or if this is just going to go nowhere. That's always a risk with dating mavlast - and it's a risk worth taking.
Professor X Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 But Tiger, I don't want to make another date if I'm just being messed with or entertained or if this is just going to go nowhere. If you think anyone here can give you certain answers, than you are dead wrong. Only she can.
zengirl Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 But Tiger, I don't want to make another date if I'm just being messed with or entertained or if this is just going to go nowhere. So if she's not going to sleep with you right away, you're not into her? Well, you cannot have that guarantee, so then don't go out with her. Either you want to see her again or you don't.
andrew-bkk Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 On the phone she implied that she really liked me a lot, and that she wanted to intimate. But on the date, she said that she "doesn't kiss on the first date"! The two of you messed this up by failing to understand that almost everything prior to the initial meeting means next to nothing. Basically, you went out on a blind date and the girl wasn't in to you. Problem is, many people who do online dating take the messages and phone calls too seriously. They read too much into it. They start to get emotionally involved before they're even met. Then -- when they meet -- they are very often quite disappointed. In simple English, you were a disappointment. Next time, play it cool. Write messages to each other purely as a way of learning about each other. Phone her ONLY to say hello and arrange a date.
Author mavlast Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 So if she's not going to sleep with you right away, you're not into her? I didn't say that or anything remotely resembling that. I think that I'm going to just abandon any kind of dating that doesn't involve meeting the person first. This is the last of too many upsetting experiences with the virtual.
andrew-bkk Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I think that I'm going to just abandon any kind of dating that doesn't involve meeting the person first. This is the last of too many upsetting experiences with the virtual. Good for you. Online dating is not for people who are lonely or overly sensitive. Much better to meet people in person, face-to-face.
Author mavlast Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 Well, I think that a case can be made for "lonely," but I disagree that being upset over this makes me "overly sensitive." I think it's understandable.
Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Dude Many young people like each other based on specific looks. This can only be ascertain in person. Some older folks can fall in love over the Internet or the phone and completely disregard the physical appearance when they meet. However, many people need that chemistry and it seems you did not have it. If you are a young man there is no need to date like the older people do. You need to establish that initial attraction and that only comes with personal encounters.
andrew-bkk Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Well, I think that a case can be made for "lonely," but I disagree that being upset over this makes me "overly sensitive." I think it's understandable. No, you are wrong. I've been in your shoes. I've made the same mistakes. You need to toughen up a bit and understand that online dating is just a lottery. Don't take it too seriously. Don't expect too much. Choose venues that YOU want to see. Then, focus on the venue. Don't think too much about the girl. I meet girls at temples and churches here in Bangkok. The appeal is... 1. going out 2. seeing the temple or the church The girl -- as pretty as she may look in her photos -- is NOT the main reason for the date.
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