Is there still hope?

[xxIna]

Tried to make it as short as possible. Sorry for the long read. Confused and heartbroken and could really need some advice in any form.

 

About 2 months ago he ended things, saying things like he couldn't have anything because of how crazy his working schedule is and that it wasn't fair to have me here waiting for him, that he can't give me what I want and deserve. Here's the deal though: It was long distance love but I was about to go see him, since five days before this happened we had the same discussion (we had that a lot lately but everytime he ended up saying he loved me and wanted this and that we would find a way) but once again he ended up saying he wants me to come over. We we're looking for the closest date and he wanted me to pick something but I wanted him to have a say in this too so when I asked him when he wanted me to come he didn't hesitate to say "Now!" which of course wasn't possible so we decided to talk about it the other day.

 

So of course I wanted to set a date, make it as quick as possible and since I would have had left so much more to do before I could go there I HAD to make plans and needed to know but whenever I tried to talk to him about it he'd just ignore my texts. And that was the time I maybe got a little annoying with my constant asking if we could talk and if he was alright. Fast forward to the day he ended it. We got into this whole "I don't have time for anything" discussion again and I didn't quite understand, because how can one just five days ago say he wants it and that he loves me so much that he's thinking for me etc now give me that "excuse" again? I told him time and time again that I was willing to wait for him because I do care about him more than anything and he suddenly starts saying things like "How long before you get here and get fed up with me and my crazy schedule before you either go back home or find someone who can give you what you want?". To which I only replied that it wouldn't happen as I'm the most loyal partner you could ask for. I may be young but I know what I want and when I love, I love deeply and truly. I don't just jump from one guy to another just because I can or because I'm lonely. I would have stuck with him through it all because his job is crazy, lots of hard work and a lot of traveling and barely being home but I was willing to sacrifice it all for him. My home, my friends, my family, job, everything. I wanted to start a life with him and I wanted to be there for him because he made me believe in this, was the one who started talking about our future and how much he wanted to spend his life with me. He was the one who made the first step in everything.

 

To that text he didn't respond so later on I asked what was going on now and he once again told me that he really thinks that "we should probably leave it as it is". I didn't understand because that same day he ended it it he would tell me that he cares "A LOT" about me and that it was hurting him as much as it was hurting me but he ended it because he couldn't have anything right now, because life was hectic etc? How can someone say he loves you, wants to start a life with you and then end it because he doesn't have time? Not to mention that I was willing to wait if I had to? He was the one who always told me when I was in doubt that we shouldn't give up on it after all and that "where there is a will there is a way". Needless to say, we got into an argument because I didn't quite understand this sudden change. At the end of the night he was pissed off, deleted me on facebook and told me I lost him and that he didn't want anything right now (suddenly it changed from not being able to have anything to not wanting anything). Sure I admit I didn't handle things correctly but neither did he. I was crushed. Heartbroken.

 

We kept in contact and I was trying to fight for what I wanted but somehow whenever I tried to fix it I pushed him further away. He told me to give it time and to not push things. I just wanted to know if he still cared to which he only replied "I told you I don't want anything and that you shouldn't be waiting" (he was pissed off again because the night before we had another little argument), he didn't answer my question which I only asked in order to see if waiting for him would make sense. We got into another huge fight and he told me "Fine. I don't care anymore. Leave me alone." That was like 3 weeks ago. I did a lot of thinking since and I did a lot of mistakes and now understand that I acted like a fool and that I should have just accepted what he said sooner. I left out some parts because it's going to be long either way, don't have to make it longer than it has to be but I have to say I said some things I shouldn't have said, I pushed where I shouldn't have pushed and I made my fair share of mistakes and I feel horrible about it now.

 

A week ago I contacted him (fb message) after 2 weeks of no contact since I'll be going on vacation with a friend next month to where he lives. I apologized from the bottom of my heart for what I did, that it wasn't correct and that I hope he can forgive me, asking if he wanted to see me anyway and if he didn't want to I could understand it and that I wouldn't bother him anymore in that case. To my surprise he responded saying that as long as I don't go back to how I've been acting the last few weeks it would be great to meet up. I messaged him back a day later saying that I learned my lesson and realized that what I did was uncalled for that I will give him space and give it time but if he wanted to contact me he knows where to find me. He only replied "thank you". That was a week ago, ever since NO contact whatsoever and I still feel miserable.

 

Now here's my main question, is there still hope? I really love him and I honestly can't see myself getting over him. For some reason he's the one I want to be with, the one I would be willing to give up so much for.

 

What am I supposed to do now? Just wait it out? Are there any chances he'll contact me before I go there? I'm just terrified that since he doesn't hear or see anything from me he won't think about me and will in no time forget about me completely esp with how busy he is and how many people he meets daily through his job. I'm really insecure even though I have no reason to be because according to others I'm a "real life barbie doll" with dream girl qualities... But still I'm all caught up and thinking he's doing perfectly fine without me and will find someone else, not giving me a second thought...

 

And what does his behavior say anyway? How can someone change from wanting it SO badly to not wanting it anymore? I have to say, in my defense that even though I did some stuff I shouldn't have done he did a lot of things that weren't right too not to mention all of his contradictions and that most things he said has been out of anger/while he was pissed off. Like one day telling me that he's done with me and the next day saying that I should give it time and that we'll have to see what happens. From telling me to leave him alone to wanting to see me when I'm there...