Daily Contact: Poll?

[torn_curtain]

Right, what I wrote in a different thread matches what I just said. . . it's the needing it that makes it needy.

 

From what I see. . . A lot of these responses speak to people having it, which I think often arises naturally out of building a relationship. Very different than going into one thinking, "I need this" and worrying if something is wrong if you skip a day sometimes. FTR, I have sometimes had daily contact as well. I don't think it's uncommon as a relationship progresses to very serious stages---when you're that bonded with a person, it becomes natural to talk a lot. But people who need it, particularly from the early stages, and freak out about how often contact happens, are usually doing so from an insecurity, which is what makes it needy.

 

The responses here, mostly, to me don't indicate anything needy. The way you sometimes speak about it--particularly in that thread we're referencing--does.

 

How can you infer from the responses that people who want it and keep it up don't need it? I would assume that people who usually want a certain behavior and keep it up pretty religiously in their relationships--assuming it's healthy--also need it to a degree and would be unhappy without it, unless something external prevents it.

Edited August 15, 2011 by torn_curtain

[zengirl]

How can you infer from the responses that people who want it and keep it up don't need it? I would assume that people who usually want a certain behavior and keep it up pretty religiously in their relationships--assuming it's healthy--also need it to a degree and would be unhappy without it, unless something external prevents it.

 

Well, the question was "Which do you prefer?" and a lot of the responses seem to be stating, "Here's what I've found happens." And, FTR, I wouldn't disagree with them. I think eventually most couples start talking every day (of course LENGTH and DEPTH of the relationship matters a lot in this, and I'm not sure most couples talk every day from the beginning), and even me -- Miss "I don't even want to talk every day" -- I've had similar experiences. Once you're particularly bonded to someone, over time, it just. . .happens that way, unless you're really busy or stuff is going on. But it's natural and not thought about.

 

Making it a need, feeling insecure when it doesn't happen or when is occasionally broken . . .that really is different to me.

 

A preference is just saying, "This would be nice."

 

A need is saying, "Without this, I'm upset."

 

Very different.

[torn_curtain]

I'll reframe the question then. To those who have and haven't responded -- do you feel like some form daily contact in an established relationship is something you generally want and need unless there is some reason you can't be in communication (no cell service, too busy, etc.)? Like let's say you were dating somebody who could keep in touch daily but they chose not to because they preferred to only be in contact 4 or 5 days out of a week. Would this bother you, or would you be OK with this?

[zengirl]

I'll reframe the question then. To those who have and haven't responded -- do you feel like some form daily contact in an established relationship is something you generally want and need unless there is some reason you can't be in communication (no cell service, too busy, etc.)? Like let's say you were dating somebody who could keep in touch daily but they chose not to because they preferred to only be in contact 4 or 5 days out of a week. Would this bother you, or would you be OK with this?

 

Here's another reframe of the question:

 

If your SO missed a day of calling you (and you didn't really know particularly why ahead of time), would it bother you? Would you see it as a red flag? Would you analyze it? Would you worry if they didn't respond right away or as fast as normal? (ETA: I'm talking in the first 6 months of dating especially. Obviously, my Ma worries if my Stepdad doesn't answer the phone when she knows he normally would, but that's because there's a damn good chance he's in danger if he's not answering his phone then, and she knows this because they've been married for ages. . . and the one time that happened, he WAS in danger).

 

If the answer is "Yes," I'd say it's needy.

Edited August 15, 2011 by zengirl

[torn_curtain]

Here's another reframe of the question:

 

If your SO missed a day of calling you (and you didn't really know particularly why ahead of time), would it bother you? Would you see it as a red flag? Would you analyze it? Would you worry if they didn't respond right away or as fast as normal? (ETA: I'm talking in the first 6 months of dating especially. Obviously, my Ma worries if my Stepdad doesn't answer the phone when she knows he normally would, but that's because there's a damn good chance he's in danger if he's not answering his phone then, and she knows this because they've been married for ages. . . and the one time that happened, he WAS in danger).

 

If the answer is "Yes," I'd say it's needy.

 

Applying my particular problem to it so you get the responses you want isn't really fair since you said in the original thread that you considered just needing daily contact needy. I already granted that I overreacted in that instance... I'm more interested in answering this general question.

 

So I'll ask again.

 

Do you want and need some form of daily contact in a serious relationship unless otherwise specified or external circumstances prevent it from happening?

[OliveOyl]

Yes, I want/desire/need(?) daily contact in the context of a relationship. It just feels natural. I'm in a "semi" LDR (not really long distance, but only face-to-face time once a week/weekend).

[zengirl]

Applying my particular problem to it so you get the responses you want isn't really fair since you said in the original thread that you considered just needing daily contact needy. I already granted that I overreacted in that instance... I'm more interested in answering this general question.

 

So I'll ask again.

 

Do you want and need some form of daily contact in a serious relationship unless otherwise specified or external circumstances prevent it from happening?

 

Right. NEEDING.

 

My reframe is describing what "needing" is to me.

 

Again, needing is not wanting.

[Star Gazer]

Applying my particular problem to it so you get the responses you want isn't really fair since you said in the original thread that you considered just needing daily contact needy. I already granted that I overreacted in that instance... I'm more interested in answering this general question.

 

So I'll ask again.

 

Do you want and need some form of daily contact in a serious relationship unless otherwise specified or external circumstances prevent it from happening?

 

I totally agree with everything ZG has said in this thread, and about this subject in general, and I don't think you can mix "want" and "need" in the same sentence/question, because wants and needs are very different.

 

A better rephrasing, IMO, would be:

Assuming you're in a place in your relationship where daily contact has established itself as the norm/pattern, would you become worried or think it a red flag if a day passed where you didn't have contact?

[torn_curtain]

Lol, now you guys are trying to reframe my question? Lol. This is ridiculous. Go ahead if you want but the responses will be slanted.

[torn_curtain]

one more time, and I've cut out the word want:

 

Do you need some form of daily contact in a serious relationship unless otherwise specified or external circumstances prevent it from happening?

[zengirl]

Lol, now you guys are trying to reframe my question? Lol. This is ridiculous. Go ahead if you want but the responses will be slanted.

 

Well, the responses will be slanted either way. That's what I was trying to point out is all. Of course, how you ask it changes what you get. When someone says, "I've always had daily contact in a serious relationship," I don't think "needy alert!" either. That's all I was saying. BUT when someone says, "Daily contact is a need to me in any relationship," particularly at the beginning of dating someone, or when they freak out because contact patterns changed, I think, "That's kinda clingy."

[torn_curtain]

"Daily contact is a need to me in any relationship," particularly at the beginning of dating someone, or when they freak out because contact patterns changed, I think, "That's kinda clingy."

"

 

You didn't use these qualifiers in your original comment -- you just said that needing daily contact was needy period. Now you're adding them because you probably realize your original statement was too judgmental and other people wouldn't agree with it.

[zengirl]

"

 

You didn't use these qualifiers in your original comment -- you just said that needing daily contact was needy period. Now you're adding them because you probably realize your original statement was too judgmental and other people wouldn't agree with it.

 

Yes, I did actually. You pulled ONE SENTENCE from another thread in which I wrote a whole damn lot. (Me? Write a whole damn lot? Who would guess? ) I may not have worded them precisely that way, but they're in there.

 

And again, it's the key to the difference between need and want. Again, "I've always had" does not indicate a need. It indicates a pattern that has been noticed and perhaps a preference. Of course, I didn't break it down that way, but it was because it didn't come up and it wasn't being twisted around. Hence: my clarifications.

[torn_curtain]

Yes, I did actually. You pulled ONE SENTENCE from another thread in which I wrote a whole damn lot. (Me? Write a whole damn lot? Who would guess? ) I may not have worded them precisely that way, but they're in there.

 

And again, it's the key to the difference between need and want. Again, "I've always had" does not indicate a need. It indicates a pattern that has been noticed and perhaps a preference. Of course, I didn't break it down that way, but it was because it didn't come up and it wasn't being twisted around. Hence: my clarifications.

 

Here it is in context:

 

But you are someone who needs daily contact. My current BF and I have near-daily contact, and it doesn't feel oppressive, but it's not something I need. It's just our natural flow. I think NEEDING daily contact is kind of a sign of neediness (to me), in either gender, but that could just be a style difference, I don't know----I do want to clarify I mean "needing it to feel validated and secure in the relationship," which isn't the same as naturally having it because you dig talking to each other; I know many couples that naturally develop it, but it's not a personal requirement so much as an evolution of the dynamic after you've been with the person awhile.

 

Bear in mind while I said I needed daily contact I never said it was because I needed it to feel validated or secure -- that's your spin. It's because I miss my partner too much when we go days without speaking.

 

I also explained that the reason his drop in contact upset me wasn't so much because of the daily contact need but because it was a sudden break in pattern. If we had for some reason a different pattern, it wouldn't have been troubling. I tried to explain this distinction a few times to you, but you ignored it and gave it your own spin. I also granted at the end that I had overreacted and caused myself unnecessary worry. Anyway, that's as much as I want to talk about this as it's unrelated to this thread.

[Star Gazer]

ZG made it clear that "needing" daily contact did not include naturally having daily contact because you dig talking to each other.

 

The fact that you worried, TC, about a day of missing contact, and even a few hours lapse in responding to a "Hey!" text message, belies the fact that your "need" does not stem from simply just enjoying hearing from him, but from someplace else entirely.

[OliveOyl]

I think y'all are arguing semantics. I can't really tell if it's a "need" or a "want" or whatever but the point is I HAVE daily contact with my BF and we've had it every single day for about 3-4 months since we became exclusive. If a day went by where I unexpectedly didn't hear from him (and no text explaining that he was too busy/unavailable), YES, I'd be worried/concerned. But we have a pretty strongly set pattern.

[Star Gazer]

I think y'all are arguing semantics. I can't really tell if it's a "need" or a "want" or whatever but the point is I HAVE daily contact with my BF and we've had it every single day for about 3-4 months since we became exclusive. If a day went by where I unexpectedly didn't hear from him (and no text explaining that he was too busy/unavailable), YES, I'd be worried/concerned. But we have a pretty strongly set pattern.

 

Would you be concerned as in, "I hope he's okay/that something bad didn't happen to him?" or would you think, "I hope he's still into me"?

 

I ask because, absent other problems coming to the surface, my gut reaction when a break in pattern occurs is the former.

[torn_curtain]

Would you be concerned as in, "I hope he's okay/that something bad didn't happen to him?" or would you think, "I hope he's still into me"?

 

I ask because, absent other problems coming to the surface, my gut reaction when a break in pattern occurs is the former.

 

For the record I was worried about both.

[OliveOyl]

Would you be concerned as in, "I hope he's okay/that something bad didn't happen to him?" or would you think, "I hope he's still into me"?

 

I ask because, absent other problems coming to the surface, my gut reaction when a break in pattern occurs is the former.

 

At this point, it would definitely be the former.

[Almond_Joy]

Would you be concerned as in, "I hope he's okay/that something bad didn't happen to him?" or would you think, "I hope he's still into me"?

 

I ask because, absent other problems coming to the surface, my gut reaction when a break in pattern occurs is the former.

 

 

The former for me also.

 

I prefer to contact an SO every 2 or 3 days. In most of my relationships, daily contact's been initiated by the guy, and I accomodate it, but I'm mostly reciprocating communication. I've never really had an urge to contact/talk to my SO every day past the honeymoon phase of the relationship. To me there's not enough to talk about to constitute daily conversation. And IMO you can only tell someone "Hi, just thinking of you" or "miss you" or "hope you're having a good day" so many times before the phrases become lip service instead of genuine gestures of affection.

[EasyHeart]

I don't have many dealbreakers, but "needing" daily contact would drive me nuts. I've got stuff to do. I don't have the time (or desire) to take care of a child.

[zengirl]

Here it is in context:

 

Thanks. I always do like to be kept in context.

 

Bear in mind while I said I needed daily contact I never said it was because I needed it to feel validated or secure -- that's your spin. It's because I miss my partner too much when we go days without speaking.

 

FTR: Technically, I was not saying you DID (based on other things you've said or written in that thread, I may suspect you need it to feel validated or secure, but how can I know?). At that point, I was only saying I would consider that needy. That's why I took pains to clarify my point as to what I meant by "needing", so you could decide if it applied to you and your situation.

 

Though missing someone too much if you go more than a day without speaking constantly does sound unsustainable to me, particularly early on in a relationship. And missing someone is kind of nice sometimes. Not to the point that they're unavailable, but to the point that you give the relationship some space to breathe and grow. That said, if daily contact is occurring naturally because BOTH partners want to talk and are not reading loads into it, that's a totally different story. But it's when you want daily contact because you miss the person but they aren't available and you (universal you) start getting all, "Doesn't he/she miss me as much as I miss him/her? What does this mean?" about it. I see that happen A LOT on LS.

 

I also explained that the reason his drop in contact upset me wasn't so much because of the daily contact need but because it was a sudden break in pattern.

 

Yes, this is what perhaps makes me suspect it's needing the contact in order to feel validated or secure. If you rely on a contact pattern to feel secure, it's a bit needy. It's saying you don't have faith in the relationship to withhold change. Now, as I said above, fearing an emergency is happened because you know the person's daily routine so well and it truly isn't like them. . . that is another thing altogether. My Mom and my Stepdad have both done that on occasion, and in most cases, they were right: something bad had happened. But they never worried that the other one was angry/ignoring them/not into them/etc.

 

If we had for some reason a different pattern, it wouldn't have been troubling. I tried to explain this distinction a few times to you, but you ignored it and gave it your own spin.

 

Didn't ignore it. It was very much a part of my point!

 

I think hanging onto patterns in your relationship, in order to feel secure, is, in general, a bad idea. Real security will never come if you (the universal you) do that. It's like always keeping the training wheels on.

 

The former for me also.

 

I prefer to contact an SO every 2 or 3 days. In most of my relationships, daily contact's been initiated by the guy, and I accomodate it, but I'm mostly reciprocating communication. I've never really had an urge to contact/talk to my SO every day past the honeymoon phase of the relationship. To me there's not enough to talk about to constitute daily conversation. And IMO you can only tell someone "Hi, just thinking of you" or "miss you" or "hope you're having a good day" so many times before the phrases become lip service instead of genuine gestures of affection.

 

This is my experience as well. Though it definitely depends. I think if you seek to "avoid" daily contact (I'm not saying it's not your cuppa, but it actually makes you lose attraction for the person when you just simply talk to them---and they're not trying to force you into it or be oppressive with it or check in with you out of insecurity, all of which happen far too often), then that's probably bad as well. But if you have to force it in order to feel secure, it's bad.

 

Obviously, a good relationship moves towards getting closer, and daily contact becomes normal and natural later on since you're living together someday! But saying, "a guy doesn't really like me if he's not calling me every day" or "my guy said he'd call me tonight, but we haven't been talking as much and I'm worried he's not into me anymore" or whatever is a different story from just simply, "Yeah, I talk to him a lot. He's my fella. :)" (ETA: *Gender interchangeable in this example.)

Edited August 16, 2011 by zengirl

[torn_curtain]

Thanks. I always do like to be kept in context.

 

 

 

FTR: Technically, I was not saying you DID (based on other things you've said or written in that thread, I may suspect you need it to feel validated or secure, but how can I know?). At that point, I was only saying I would consider that needy. That's why I took pains to clarify my point as to what I meant by "needing", so you could decide if it applied to you and your situation.

 

Though missing someone too much if you go more than a day without speaking constantly does sound unsustainable to me, particularly early on in a relationship. And missing someone is kind of nice sometimes. Not to the point that they're unavailable, but to the point that you give the relationship some space to breathe and grow. That said, if daily contact is occurring naturally because BOTH partners want to talk and are not reading loads into it, that's a totally different story. But it's when you want daily contact because you miss the person but they aren't available and you (universal you) start getting all, "Doesn't he/she miss me as much as I miss him/her? What does this mean?" about it. I see that happen A LOT on LS.

 

 

 

Yes, this is what perhaps makes me suspect it's needing the contact in order to feel validated or secure. If you rely on a contact pattern to feel secure, it's a bit needy. It's saying you don't have faith in the relationship to withhold change. Now, as I said above, fearing an emergency is happened because you know the person's daily routine so well and it truly isn't like them. . . that is another thing altogether. My Mom and my Stepdad have both done that on occasion, and in most cases, they were right: something bad had happened. But they never worried that the other one was angry/ignoring them/not into them/etc.

 

 

 

Didn't ignore it. It was very much a part of my point!

 

I think hanging onto patterns in your relationship, in order to feel secure, is, in general, a bad idea. Real security will never come if you (the universal you) do that. It's like always keeping the training wheels on.

 

 

 

This is my experience as well. Though it definitely depends. I think if you seek to "avoid" daily contact (I'm not saying it's not your cuppa, but it actually makes you lose attraction for the person when you just simply talk to them---and they're not trying to force you into it or be oppressive with it or check in with you out of insecurity, all of which happen far too often), then that's probably bad as well. But if you have to force it in order to feel secure, it's bad.

 

Obviously, a good relationship moves towards getting closer, and daily contact becomes normal and natural later on since you're living together someday! But saying, "a guy doesn't really like me if he's not calling me every day" or "my guy said he'd call me tonight, but we haven't been talking as much and I'm worried he's not into me anymore" or whatever is a different story from just simply, "Yeah, I talk to him a lot. He's my fella. :)" (ETA: *Gender interchangeable in this example.)

 

Zen -- The main reason I WAS worried initially was because I was concerned about his health. I only became worried about a change in his feelings later after he told me he was feeling distant from me and then disappeared for another day and night, and then even more so after not responding to my texts for many hours.

 

When I didn't hear from him the first day this was my immediate response:

 

By midnight I was starting to get concerned since he has a serious heart/lung condition even though he's only 25--he's getting major surgery to fix it in a couple of months. Finally around 2am I got a response to my text and he asked if I was up.

 

This continued to be a worry I had two days later when I still hadn't heard from him, but it was also combined with worrying if his feelings had changed.

 

---------

 

Just to address my "hey" text being needy in the context of my relationship. Yesterday and today I've been sick with some mild virus (he knows this). So I ended up sleeping in today. When I turned on my phone I found four texts from him. The first he sent at 11 AM (8 AM in LA where he lives). He said good morning and asked how I was feeling. Then he sent me a "?" text at noon his time. Then a minute later a "(Torn) are you OK?" Then twenty minutes later "I'm worried about you." Finally when I woke up I texted him that I was fine.

 

So, no, my "hey" text after not hearing from him for a whole day and night knowing he was sick was not needy, and definitely not by his standards.

[zengirl]

Zen -- The main reason I WAS worried initially was because I was concerned about his health. I only became worried about a change in his feelings later after he told me he was feeling distant from me and then disappeared for another day and night, and then even more so after not responding to my texts for many hours.

 

When I didn't hear from him the first day this was my immediate response:

 

By midnight I was starting to get concerned since he has a serious heart/lung condition even though he's only 25--he's getting major surgery to fix it in a couple of months. Finally around 2am I got a response to my text and he asked if I was up.

 

This continued to be a worry I had two days later when I still hadn't heard from him, but it was also combined with worrying if his feelings had changed.

 

---------

 

Just to address my "hey" text being needy in the context of my relationship. Yesterday and today I've been sick with some mild virus (he knows this). So I ended up sleeping in today. When I turned on my phone I found four texts from him. The first he sent at 11 AM (8 AM in LA where he lives). He said good morning and asked how I was feeling. Then he sent me a "?" text at noon his time. Then a minute later a "(Torn) are you OK?" Then twenty minutes later "I'm worried about you." Finally when I woke up I texted him that I was fine.

 

So, no, my "hey" text after not hearing from him for a whole day and night knowing he was sick was not needy, and definitely not by his standards.

 

To each their own. I would find that totally needy behavior, from him as well. He needed you to respond, clearly. Thus: needy. There's a poster on here who constantly says that a relationship between two needy people can totally work (Enchanted Girl), and she often makes a lot of sense. So, I'm not saying it's always going to ruin things. So. . . it's good you guys both freak out in the same ways, maybe. I couldn't really say, as I've no experience feeling like that/being with anyone like that. And the idea of being on either side of that sounds very unzen to me.

 

FTR, I didn't think anything needy about your situation when it was about his health. It was only later that I started bringing that stuff up, I think. I get worrying about someone who has health problems.

Edited August 16, 2011 by zengirl

[Cee]

I can't imagine the stress of caring about someone who lives far away and has health problems. It sounds like daily contact is important for the both of you. And from what you've written, it sounds sensible given his health concerns and the desire for the both of you to remain connected.

 

My comment is a bit off topic, but I wanted to extend my well wishes to the both of you.