having a very difficult time.

[JohnEl]

heres my story. ive always wanted a girlfriend. someone who can make me feel good about myself. someone who i can depend on and always have there for me. i met this girl when i was 21 and in college. she was 19. we started dating and we really fell in love with eachother. she loved me more than anything in the world. we dated for 3 years and just broke up last month. things were great for the first 2 years. we spent every second of everyday together and had some great memories. the last 12 months were kinda rough. we started getting into arguments over stupid things that arent worth arguing over. i even considered breaking up with her a couple of times in the last year but i never did because we had such a good connection and i was scared to be alone. the last six months of our relationship was long distance. she was still in college and i graduated and moved home. it was only about 3 hours away. we were fine for a while but kept getting into little fights. she felt that i wasnt giving her enough attention and i felt like she was being overly needy. i didnt know how to show her i cared when i could only see her for a few days each month. well, with two weeks left til she moved home, she broke up with me. she said that she didnt feel like i appreciated her and that she has been upset for a while. she said that all her friends told her that they basically didnt like me bc i was never around. but i lived 3 hours away! anyway, about a month before we broke up, she started hanging out with a new group of friends that she randomly met. she started doing things with them that she normally never did. such as going to gay bars and she said she almost got peircings in weird places. that isnt the girl i know. i was kinda wondering who these people were but i didnt worry too much bc she was moving back to be with me in a month. so after we broke up, we didnt talk for a week. then i finaly called her and told her that i didnt wanan break up and that i loved her a lot and she is my world. we cried back and forth but she told me that its done and we need to move on. so she started ignoring me. i tried talking to her for the next two weeks, because i felt like we could work it out when she moved back. she kept ignoring me and eventually had a mutual friend tell me to stop trying to talk to her. i also heard that she begain dating someone already. and guess what, it was one of those new people she met a month earlier. he had taken her out on a few dates and had been hanging out everyday since we broke up.

 

so she ended up moving back and we talked the day after she got back. she told me that the guy she is dating was a guy that she just went on a date with to get her mind off everything else. but it lead to something more than that bc they like eachother and he is coming to visit her this weekend. he will be living 3 hours away for another year and she would rather be with him than work on things with me. it kills me to think about that. i have been crying a lot. i lost 20 pounds in a month. i didnt eat anything more than a bannana a day for two weeks straight. i cant get more than about 3 hours of sleep each night. i couldnt let go bc it all happened so fast. i kept talking to her and trying to get her to come back to me. finally i sent her an email and told her that im gonna let go and move on. she said ok and we emailed back and forht a little more and she told me she wanted to stay friends. i told her that i cannot be her friend if she is dating this guy. its self torture. i want her in my life bc i love her so much but i cant see her with someone else. it hurts too much. all i think about is how she is doing everything that me and her liked to do, but with this guy now. im so angry and sad at the same time. my mind is racing and i breakdown and cry everyday. i keep blamming myself for the breakup bc i know how much she loved me so i must have done something wrong. i feel like i took her for granted and she left bc she felt unappriciated. i dont know what to do now. we have been NC for 2 days now. its killing me. she moved to this city to be with me but shes not with me. shes with someone else so far away and she only live about 2 miles from my house. im a mess. i cant sleep and when i eat, i feel like im gonna puke. i even have a couple of times. any advice.?

[Nohbody]

What you are going through is normal, and this kind of thing happens. That probably doesn't help you at all.

 

You did the right thing when you said you can't be her friend. You need to cut off all contact with her and not respond to any contact she sends to you for a while. Work on yourself, recover from this. You WILL recover, but it's going to take time and effort.

 

 

Look around the forums, there is a lot of good advice available on how to cope and how to deal with this.

 

Don't blame yourself. A relationship takes two people to work - and she has obviously stopped appreciating the awesomeoness you brought to the table. Focus on you, do what is right for you, and you're going to be feeling better much faster.

[JohnEl]

thanks for the reply. i did some things to her that i feel like pushed her away and thats why im beating myself up over it. i know how much she loved me. she would tell me how she wanted to marry me. she couldnt go an hour without talking to me. she was so excited to see me whenever i would visit her or she would visit me. ive never had anything like that before. but i took it for granted. i would go out with the guys instead of her sometimes. when me and her would go out together, we would get into stupid arguments. like i said before, i felt like she was too needy, she wanted too much. while we were doing long distance, if i would go out with my friends and not text her all night, she would get mad at me and we would start to fight bc she felt like i didnt care. i feel like i should have texted her if i cared about her or i should have done things to make her feel loved. i didnt do that. for example, she wanted to show me off to her friends but i never went out with her friends. she would tell her how she didnt feel loved bc i never wrote on her facebook wall. but i didnt write on anyone facebook wall. stupid things like that pissed her off and eventually led to us breaking up.

 

now that shes dating this new guy so quickly, it really messes with me. apparently he does all the things i didnt do and it hurts because i want to do those things now. i feel like i lost her to this guy bc i didnt give her what she needed. i know that its done and we arent going to get back together. i know this but its hard to accept. everytime my phone rings i imagine its her calling to tell me that she loves me and wants to make it work. whenever i drive up to my house, i imagine that ill see her car infront of my house, waiting for me to get home so she can tell me she loves me. i play out different scenerios in my mind, pretending that in 3 months ill see her somewhere and she will want to get back with me. but i know thats not going to happen. she is happy to not be with me. i feel like im a horrible person and let the best girl in this world go and its all my fault. all i want to do is get her back. we broke up july 1. i kept trying to get her back with me until last week. i would call and text and email and she ignored me most of the time. but a few times we did talk and we talked for 2 hours. but it all ended the same way, with her saying its done. i told her everything i could, ive done everything i can and it didnt work. so i know now that its done for good but its really hard bc i always had hope until a few days ago. i keep imagining her with this new guy and being so happy. she was my girl just a little over a month ago. we were doing alright, not the best but she was about to move home and everything was going to work out. i feel like she had to leave me in order to make herself happy. but it makes me miserable and i feel like there is not another girl out there that could love me as much as she did.

[Nohbody]

We all blame ourselves at first. In a month or two or three you might come back and reread this post and you will want to slap yourself. Your feelings of responsibility are normal, so is your not eating, so is your remorse and all the rest.

 

Take it slow, you are grieving for the loss of a future with someone you care deeply for, and this will take time.

[JohnEl]

everyone keeps telling me that it will get better. im just a mess right now. it feels like i lost the greatest girl on earth and its all my fault. its kinda weird, but when we were together, i was convinced that i could do better. now that she broke up with me, im convinced that she was the best i could do and now ill have to settle for second best or something. ive got her on this pedistal and im only remembering the good times we had. we had some really bad times too and there were times that i wanted out of the relationship but was always too scared bc i knew that i would end up being depressed like this. she seems so fine with the break up. when we talked, she seemed so happy and excited to start something new with the other guy. how can she move on to the next guy the same week we break up? it makes me think that he had something to do with it. like she knew she had him to fall back on when she broke up with me. our relationship was at a point where it needed a lot of work. and she walked away. its like she walked away from the work to be with someone who is fresh and new and doesnt require any work yet, its all fun with her and him right now. theyre just getting to know eachother and its exciting. i keep thinking that shes going to come back to me once this rebound ends but then i start to think its not a rebound bc shes really happy with him bc he gives her all the attention she wants and that i never gave.

[Nohbody]

How much of this is about the way she made you feel about yourself? Many of us have searched for others to 'make' us happy, but in the end the only one who can be happy is you. This is a common thread of discussion, and would do you well to examine it.

[JohnEl]

i dont know. im so messed up. ive had so many different thoughts and feelings. right now i feel like she is the prettiest girl in the world. and i feel like i threw it away. but when we were together, i would look at a lot of other girls and think they were a lot prettier. i picked out every flaw in her when we were together. physically and personality. i was so attracted to her when i met her. but after a while i started to lose that attraction. i even thought of other people sometimes when we would sleep together. it sounds horrible but its true. maybe somethings wrong with me. she made me happy most of the time but there were times that i couldnt stand her and didnt want her around. my friend got married last month and i didnt invite her to the wedding bc i didnt want her there. i wanted to be with my guy friends and not have to talk to her the whole night. i have so many mixed emotions right now and its killing me.

[Nohbody]

Feel your feelings. You are going to cycle between anger, regret, sadness, acceptance and everything else over and over and over. It's going to suck. This may hurt worse than anything else you'll ever go through in your life. Welcome to hell.

 

What you are going through is something we've all been through, something that's happened to people in the past, and will in the future. THis doesn't help right now, but it will.

 

You will be ok. Consider a coping journal. you can make one right here on LS.

[JohnEl]

i want to get back with her but i dont know if its because i love her or if i just dont want to feel depressed like this. on one hand, i feel like i really screwed up with the best girl thats out there for me but on the other hand, i feel like it really wasnt working with us. i just hate being alone and the feelings i had when she was around are so real right now. thats all i feel. i can feel the way she looked at me and everything she did and it kills me to not have that around. ive been NC for two days. im hoping NC will make things better over time but i dont know. i also feel like im going to regret this for a very long time and im going to be chasing her around for a very long time only to be disappointed.

[Nohbody]

I like what old Winston has to say on the matter:

 

 

that's why it's my signature.

Edited August 13, 2011 by Nohbody
My signature derped on me

[JohnEl]

true. i wish i knew what was going to happen. my gut tells me we are going to get back together but when i really think about it, its broken for good. shes happy to not be with me and her family never really liked me. im just scared im never going to meet anyone better. its a horrible thought.

[Nohbody]

I'll tell you this: My gut told me we'd get back together... and for one brief, shining second, it looked like that was going to happen... then things went south in a bad way and I was wrecked.

 

I don't know if it'll work out with you guys or not, no one here does. I (and others) have found that it is better to assume it isn't going to, and that sucks. Please check out these: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/ (Actually, check all of Homebrew's insanity - not everyone agrees with him, but it's all helpful)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t274564/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t265480/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t265350/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

[Dblock10]

johne mate, this girl was your first love right? if so.. thats the problem.

 

its not all about looks, ive learnt that. its hard when they are really pretty and you love them i know... It sounds like you were really unsure of her being with you. so something wasn't quite right and now that you are not together you are trying to blame yourself and you think by getting back with her will make you feel better, when in reality it wouldn't.

 

if you thought of other people whilst sleeping with her, thats wrong! all it is, is your brain telling you, you are interested in exploring this experience with other girls.. and why shouldn't you? you are young and life is full of experiences, so now you are not with her, review yourself, improve yourself. go hang out with your guy mates, and just like time do its thing.

 

being weak to a girl isnt attractive, its like a girl getting really fat (and no dont hate me people, its just an example, i have nothing against fat people)

 

you need to go no contact, she has made it clear what she wants, you need to be mature, you are older right? by doing so it may actually make her miss you if it goes tits up with this new guy.

 

dont bet on it though. girls are like a switch, on or off. once they have made there minds up, only they will change it. the more you try, the more "off" they become. trust me.

 

you are young, she isnt the "one". fair enough she could have been the one, but there are many "one's"

 

try and eat more. i know it hurts so much. i went through a similar thing a long time ago when i was 20-21. i got over it. i met better girls, i had more fun, i learnt more things.

 

now im in the process of getting over another girl that i like very much, but she didnt appreciate me didnt show signs of being mad about me. so all i can do is let go. and get on with my own life

 

 

you need to do the same. dont be scared to be alone. afterall your not really, you have good mates so try and look on the bright side. there is always a silver lining to every cloud

Edited August 14, 2011 by Dblock10

[JohnEl]

thanks for the reply. its a weird situation. it hurts me bc she is happy to not be with me. it makes me feel bad. i miss so many things about her now. i even miss all the things about her that annoyed me. im scared to see what else is out there. i feel like i might have to settle for second best now. it took so long for me and her to get to the point where we knew everything about eachother. it hurts so much more that she started dating this guy the same week we broke up.

 

our relationship needed some work. we were in a rough spot but it was hard to work on it bc she was 3 hours away. we couldnt see eachother in person and talk things thru. i feel like this guy knew that we were having a hard time and he manipulated her and took advantage of the situation. he made himself available to talk to her when she needed someone to talk to. he probably talked down on me and made himself look like he could do all the things that i wasnt doing. she required a lot of attention. and i mean a lot. more than any girl ive ever known. she wasnt getting enough attention from me while we were long distance but she was getting a lot from this other guy and she looked at that as something better than what we had. i guess it all doesnt even really matter anymore, because its all over with. shes moved on. she has to have someone giving her attention in order to feel good about herself.

 

its just so hard right now bc i dream about it and i think about it all day. everything i do reminds me of her. i think about her doing everything me and her did but with this guy and it hurts. we have a dog together and i dont get to see it anymore. i raised it and paid for a lot of things for it but this other guy gets to see my dog. its was like our kid. i dont know whats going on and what theyre doing so of course, i think of the worst case scenerio. i think about them going out and doing things and her thinking "this guys so much better than John. John never did this and John never did that." then i start blamming myself for not doing something that i should have. there were a few things that i did/didnt do that really made her angry. we talked about them for a day and then everything seemed fine. she never told me she was still upset. so i assumed everything was fine. but when we broke up, all these things came out and she was holding grudged against me for something that happened in 2009. she said that she cried herself to sleep some nights bc she was so upset. she never told me that! that would have changed everything!

 

sorry, my mind is just racing and i think about this stuff all day and night. its day 3 of NC now. i hope that NC will eventually get this out of my mind or something. i keep thinking that shes coming back. in a few months, she will realize what we had and she will come back. but thats not going to happen. shes happy to not be with me. i gotta get myself together and get my confidence back bc right now im a nervous wreck and keep beating myself up over this. i feel like she was the best girl out there for me and ill never meet someone as good as her again.

[JohnEl]

i dont think im going to get a second chance with her. matter of fact, i know im not. but im curious, how bad do you think i handled breaking up? do you think she has lost all respect for me now? let me explain...

 

after we broke up, we didnt talk for 5 days. finally, i called her but she didnt answer. i called like 3 times that day and sent an email about how much i love her and that what we had was something special and we cant just throw it away. then she called me back a few hours later. we cried and i begged her to take me back. she kept saying no. then i asked her just to consider working it out with me when she moves back to my city. she said maybe. the next day i texted a mutual friend who was in the same city as her. i asked her what was going on. she told me that my girlfriend has moved on and is happy. she told me to move on bc we are done for good. i called my girlfriend and cried like a little baby. i cried hysterically and begger her to not break up with me. again, she said maybe we can work on it when i move back. we i tried to keep in touch with her for the next week. i would send just one text a day saying "have a good day, love ya" and i even sent flowers once with a card saying how much i love her. then i sent her a movie that she likes. a week later, i called her and we talked. she told me that we cant get back together. its done and i need to move on. i told her that i cant see her or talk to her or anything now. i told her that i need to cut her out of my life if we arent going to get back together. she cried and said she still wants to be friends but i said i cant. I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED THERE! but the next damn day i called again and said i want to be friends. i said i love her and want her in my life. then we talked a little, just as if nothing was wrong. two days after that, i called again and told her how much i love her and how we need to make it work bc we have something really special and its important not to give up. stuff like that, cried a little too. she said maybe we can see what happens when i move back. so agian, i sent her one text a day just to keep in touch. she never responded to any of them. finally 5 days later, she told a mutual friend to tell me to stop texting her and to leave her alone bc she is going to ignore me and that its done and i need to move on. we didnt talk for a few days but then we met up and talked the day after she moved back. i confessed my love for her again, thinking that it would be more effective in person but she said she doesnt see us ever getting back together. then she told me she went on a date with a guy a few times and that he was coming to visit her in two weeks. that really upset me. i had a feeling about this guy when i heard about him a month earlier. i felt like he stole her from me. i tried to start a fight with her the next day bc i felt like it would be easier to move on if i hated her but that didnt work and i ended up apologizing a few days later. then, 5 days ago, i sent an email and was really mature. i told her that i understand our relationship was having troubles and the only way for us to stop fighting was to break up. i told her i wished it worked and that im sorry it didnt and that we are both to blame for it. i said i want to be friends again someday but i dont know when. i told her i cant be friends with her if shes dating this guy that she met a month before we broke up. she didnt understand why i wouldnt be friends. i explained to her that i cant see her with him and it feels like a slap in the face for her to date someone the same week we break up. it basically ended with me saying im not going to have any contact with her for a long time and that i hope this isnt goodbye forever.

 

sorry that was kinda long. but any thoughts? have i made myself look like a complete loser and give her all the power and make her feel like i cant live without her. how much did i boost her ego and did i completley blow a second chance by acting like a little baby for so long?

[Tetris]

I couldn't even continue reading this because it's exactly what I'm going through. As a girl though. Which is probably more painful. He left me after two years and I am so lost. I can't eat. I can't do anything. People will keep telling you to just get over it, but the truth is, it's not simple at all. I tried swallowing a bunch of pills when it happened. And I keep having those thoughts again. I know how you feel and you just would like to get over it. I don't even know what to say. I can't console you. I'm just so sorry.

[JohnEl]

I couldn't even continue reading this because it's exactly what I'm going through. As a girl though. Which is probably more painful. He left me after two years and I am so lost. I can't eat. I can't do anything. People will keep telling you to just get over it, but the truth is, it's not simple at all. I tried swallowing a bunch of pills when it happened. And I keep having those thoughts again. I know how you feel and you just would like to get over it. I don't even know what to say. I can't console you. I'm just so sorry.

 

i have been able to eat more and ive gotten a little more sleep latley but im still a mess. its all i think about. LS helps SO MUCH. i cant imagine myself ever getting over this. it feels like she is the only person in the world for me and i blew it.

[Tetris]

Sorry I have just read this. Well I started feeling a GREAT relief after I started no contact, but lately I find myself falling into sadness again. Anyway, I hope you are doing much better now.