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Afraid to Try Again?

sm1tten

By sm1tten
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sm1tten Established Member

sm1tten

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I've only posted two threads on LS ever and I never get many responses, but I'm going to try again.

 

I posted this yesterday: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t292023/ but if it's TL;DR my last boyfriend broke up with me because he felt like he was about to break down from all the stress and the pressure of his work and family life and that he really needed to focus on his career and therefore didn't have time for a relationship, and even though I didn't agree with his decision, I let him go. And I'm sad about it but I'm not devastated. I am kind of torn on what I think about his reasoning but can come back to that.

 

So, a recap of the past year: I broke up with a long-term boyfriend after almost two years together. The next guy, we broke up after a month. I briefly dated a few people here and there until I met my current ex, and we dated for about 6 weeks before breaking up a couple of days ago. I wasn't in love with any of these guys, though I cared about these three boyfriends very much, but in general have no real problem moving on because the emotional bonds weren't strong enough (clearly) to maintain a relationship. (In the first two I was the dumper, the last one I was essentially the dumpee.)

 

This isn't about being ready to date again. (Or maybe it is.) This is more like, I still want to be with someone, and I want to find the right person, but I am actually AFRAID to go on dates. There is a guy who has popped up a couple of times (okcupid) and has expressed interest in taking me out. I don't know him well enough to know if it's a good match or not - we have things in common, he seems cute - but I'm definitely not interested in going out with him tomorrow or something. I feel like I would LIKE to go out with him but I feel like, I've tried this so many times at this point and it hasn't worked out and I'm TIRED of meeting someone new and getting to know them and letting them in only to be hurt. I feel fatigued, emotionally, but I also feel really lonely and I know that the only way I'm going to meet someone is if I keep trying. So I'm torn on how to go about that, I guess.

 

I'm not sure if I should take a break from dating or meeting guys because I feel like I'm okay with doing that despite the recent breakup, but maybe I'm not being honest with myself and that's why I feel so afraid to give it another try? Or, am I simply burnt out from so much dating? Am I still actually hoping that my ex and I get back together? I know that no one but me can really answer these questions but it's all tumbling around in my head and I guess I wanted some outside perspective. I am starting to feel like I've got some sort of tunnel vision about my own life.

 

*holds breath*

newguyhere Member

newguyhere

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I can understand how you feel. I lost a great girl a couple years ago after a 4 year relationship. I was so hurt that I was afraid to open up to another girl. I didnt even try to get another girl. I was lonely beyond belief though. Friends and family just couldnt fill the void she left and I felt lonely even when I wasent alone. Then about a year later someone walked into my life.

I was terrified about getting hurt again lol. But she fought her way in and I am glad she did. Sometimes it feels like its just not worth it. But when it happends, you know thats not true. The next person to win your heart could be the person who will not let it go for anything in this world.

I have lost that girl for things out of my control, but it was worth every minute of it. Humans are meant to love and be loved. Just be patient. Dont rush. You will let someone in when your ready.

zengirl Established Member

zengirl

Posted
Posted (edited)
I've only posted two threads on LS ever and I never get many responses, but I'm going to try again.

 

I posted this yesterday: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t292023/ but if it's TL;DR my last boyfriend broke up with me because he felt like he was about to break down from all the stress and the pressure of his work and family life and that he really needed to focus on his career and therefore didn't have time for a relationship, and even though I didn't agree with his decision, I let him go. And I'm sad about it but I'm not devastated. I am kind of torn on what I think about his reasoning but can come back to that.

 

In the end, I've found that "reasons" do not matter much. It's easier for me if I forget them (I mean, if it had to do with conflicts in the relationship that I participated in or places where we clashed, I'll look at that to improve myself and pick better guys for me) and just go with, "He doesn't want to be with me." That's what it means at the end of the day. Of course, it's also why I tend to be an absolutist. My last BF (before the current one) broke it off with me in a fit of stress, perhaps with his reasons, came back two days later, and I could never get back into it. Because I'll always remember when he didn't want to be with me. So, perhaps I'd say only use my way if you're really sure you're 100% done with the guy.

 

And if you're not 100% done with the guy, there's no room for a new guy. And that's probably why dating seems uncomfortable if you're looking for a relationship. I think people at less than 100% can still date for fun in some cases, but I'm not an expert on those.

 

I wouldn't count anything under 3 months as truly significant. You were still test-driving the other guys you mention, and they you, to get to know each other. Stuff happens. Think about what you learned, the good experiences you had, and don't think of them that relationships that "failed." They were potential relationships that weren't right, so you succeeded in finding that out without wasting time. :)

 

This isn't about being ready to date again. (Or maybe it is.) This is more like, I still want to be with someone, and I want to find the right person, but I am actually AFRAID to go on dates. There is a guy who has popped up a couple of times (okcupid) and has expressed interest in taking me out. I don't know him well enough to know if it's a good match or not - we have things in common, he seems cute - but I'm definitely not interested in going out with him tomorrow or something. I feel like I would LIKE to go out with him but I feel like, I've tried this so many times at this point and it hasn't worked out and I'm TIRED of meeting someone new and getting to know them and letting them in only to be hurt. I feel fatigued, emotionally, but I also feel really lonely and I know that the only way I'm going to meet someone is if I keep trying. So I'm torn on how to go about that, I guess.

 

I guess I'd say put less pressure on it!

 

Dating is fun (or should be). The first few months are getting to know each other, even once you enter commitment, you're still feeling each other out, still seeing if you're compatible. And it really is better to know sooner than later, so a quick break isn't always bad.

 

Stick to the present. If you want to go on Date 1, go. And on/after that date, decide about Date 2. Start looking at whether he's BF material and what you want as you go, but one foot in front of the other. Don't try to zoom ahead or worry about what might happen. The possibilities are infinite, and at the end of the day, that's only worrying. And worrying is exhausting. That's probably why it seems so tiring to you.

 

Don't "try" --- as the old Star Wars adage says --- "do or do not." So if you go out with someone, good. If you don't want to, good too. But don't "try" to date someone or "try" to rev yourself up. Let it flow.

 

I'm not sure if I should take a break from dating or meeting guys because I feel like I'm okay with doing that despite the recent breakup, but maybe I'm not being honest with myself and that's why I feel so afraid to give it another try? Or, am I simply burnt out from so much dating? Am I still actually hoping that my ex and I get back together? I know that no one but me can really answer these questions but it's all tumbling around in my head and I guess I wanted some outside perspective. I am starting to feel like I've got some sort of tunnel vision about my own life.

 

It's hard to say what the issues are. Could be any of these. The only advice I can give you on that is: Figure it out. I have a feeling you're --- if not still into the ex --- focusing a lot on failures and regrets and the past and then alternatively looking to hope and swinging towards the future. But happiness is in the present and nowhere else. Spend limited time in those two other places, only for potential lessons (the past) or for needed organization and plans (the future). The good stuff is always in the present. Spend too much mental time in the past or future and I think you wind up with brain jet lag.

Edited by zengirl
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sm1tten Established Member

sm1tten

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Posted (edited)

Thank you so much for your responses.

 

You're right, zengirl, in the end, his reasons don't really matter. The relationship is over. I think the reason I'm torn over his reasons is only because I wondered if he just wasn't into me enough to try to make it work - and I'm not sure why that matters to me. I think it's a reflex to find some fault in myself, actually.

 

newguyhere, I think that part of the reason I'm afraid now is because I was so deeply disappointed in the past by someone I loved very much. I am kind of wondering now if I ever really recovered from that. I'm glad that you found someone. I hope that I can too. I hope we ALL can.

 

I don't know if I'm 100% "done" with the ex. I have no desire to get back together because when it comes down to it, he didn't want me. I have no hope that he'll change his mind, no intention of convincing him other wise. But the whole thing still bothers me. It's like a bone I can't stop gnawing on. I think because I'm still surprised it happened. And I'm definitely spending too much time swinging between past and future and not enough time in the present.

Edited by sm1tten
Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
Posted (edited)

Well, breakups hurt, whether we got dumped, or whether we ended the relationship because the other person didn't seem to be putting energy towards us. It hurts that much more if we are truly into the other person, but even if not... On some level there is a tendency to wonder "what is wrong with" us.

 

So would it really be helpful to anyone for you to go on a date with this guy and have it turn out bad because you couldn't give it full energy. Or for you go on a date with this guy and have a good time, and it doesn't go anywhere because you're tired of dating. The answer to both of these is of course no.

 

My point is this: Don't spread more confusion. Probably the healthiest thing you could do is to tell the OKCupid guy that you just got out of a relationship and that right now you need a few weeks. I would appreciate a girl being honest to me like that to the point where I would be open to talking to her again in a month. As long as I am still single that is, but that is a chance you take.

Edited by Imajerk17
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