MM in therapy

[MadAsAHatter]

Hi

 

Firstly I want to say thank you to this site and all the people who come here (particularly this OM/OW part). I visit here often as I have been going through turmoil for the last three years and this place has been a huge help. Best wishes to everyone who is hurting, or who has been hurt and now happy. I've never posted before, but I do need some advice now.

 

I'm married and so is he. When we got together I'd been married for 12 years. He'd only been married a few months but had lived with her for 9 years. A few months into the affair I split with my H because of what I was doing. At the end of our first year and heading for a painful and lonely Christmas I asked MM where we were going. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me permanently and properly. He said he was going to leave his W in the new year.

 

When the new year began, so too did his dramatic shift in behaviour towards me. In the January his contact became less and less and his words more confusing. By May he'd stopped contacting me altogether. I put this down to enormous stress at work (which he'd told me was coming up months ago) and family problems.

 

I was torn apart. He'd since told me that by April he'd be gone but it came and went and still I had no contact. He just vanished without trace and ignored any contact that I made. My thoughts were varied - poor baby under so much stress, I must be strong and show him I'm here for him...b*stard, what the hell is he playing at treating me this way?...I'm going to make him regret this, I'm going to make sure she and everyone knows what he's like...just get on with your life and forget him...oh poor baby what can I do to help?

 

I kept contacting him. At first I was screaming at him in emails and begging him to just tell me he was ok etc. I got no response so I tried the nice supportive approach but that was ignored too. By June last year I wrote and told him that if he was thinking of ever contacting me again not to bother because I'd had enough and couldn't fathom what I'd done to make him treat me so badly. He replied and basically said, ok if that's what you want!

 

It wasn't what I wanted so I carried on emailing just once a month, still trying to show my love and support. I suggested monthly contact while he was under work pressure, blah blah. He agreed and for the rest of the year I did just that. He ignored every single message.

 

By Christmas last year I was in real crisis. On my own, struggling financially and desperately unhappy, to the point where I tried counselling because I thought I was going insane. I wrote to him and said I was going to end up dead if he carried on as the stress he was causing me was making me ill. I also told him that I was coming very close to telling all about what kind of man he really is. Surprise surprise he replied within 10 mins.

He was cold and distant and utterly confusing but he said he'd meet me in the new year (don't know what it is about new year).

 

This year we've met twice, both times at my request and after a lot of coaxing. Basically on both occasions I saw a man heading for crisis with the end result being breakdown. Because of our strained relationship though, I didn't know how to tell him that he needed help. He said he'd left her for a couple of months last year but went back because she was ill plus he didn't want to upset his (grown up and not even hers) kids. There were other things too, like work problems and family etc. He said he still loved me and knew he should let go but couldn't. He asked if we could keep in touch by email.

 

I love him with all my heart so of course I agreed, even though he said he had to stay with her to "be seen" to be looking after her. So we exchanged a couple of emails about six weeks apart. The second time he wrote I flipped. Something snapped (hooray I hear you cry!) and I itemised everything that he'd done and put me through. I told him I never wanted to hear from him ever again and if he had anything to say then he could phone me abc stop hiding behind emails.

 

He rang, he cried and he said my email had shocked the hell out of him. I told him he needs therapy. He does have issues that stem back to childhood and I believe they've caught up with him now. I'd also said that because of my own strain and financial problems I would try again with my H as I was really only staying in that position to wait for him. Pointless me struggling if it was for nothing. I know that sounds cold but I was struggling terribly and so was my H with money. It just made practical sense.

 

I gave MM a week or two to think it over. He phoned and said that he was a mess and couldn't give me what I needed while he was so emotionally and mentally drained. He said he loved me and didn't want be where he was but felt trapped. He arranged some therapy and was going to try to work through his issues. I just said ok good luck. I was too devastated to say anything else.

 

So a few days later I talked to H. It didn't go too well and I can't say I blame him. We're good friends but he said he couldn't forgive me for leaving (he doesn't know about MM). Relieved but devastated and in a panic as I thought of how I'd let MM go. I got back in touch and told him. He replied saying my news had messed with his head enough more. At first he said he'd arrange to meet and talk but a few days later he emailed and said he needed more therapy before he could think about meeting me.

 

So...

 

Apart from telling me what a mug I am with zero self-respect, what do I do now? His last contact was 5 weeks ago. Do I drop him a line to see how he's doing, do I wait and hope that once he's got his head together he'll at the very least face me and talk? Whichever way it goes I need closure either way. Almost 3 years of this now and although I'm trying to improve my life but focussing on my career, family and friends etc, I'm still stuck with a broken heart every minute of every day.

 

I've tried to keep this as short as possible so I'm sorry if it's ended up really long. Obviously there's a lot more to it but basically that's it.

 

Thanks in advance.

[fooled once]

Please stop calling/emailing this guy! Please. He isn't interested. He isn't into you. He is trying to tell you this but you aren't hearing him.

 

DO NOT keep contacting him. He can get you for harassment. You are turning stalkerish.

 

You have to accept there is no affair. There is no great love. There is no future. Why can you not accept this? Heck, there isn't even a friendship here. How can you love someone you don't even KNOW! He sure doesn't love you! That is obvious to all, except maybe you I don't say that to be nasty, but heavens .... leave the man alone. You are coming off as needy and desperate.

 

Let him go. Stop calling him. Stop emailing him. Stop texting him. Stop thinking you have a future with him.

 

Divorce your H and move on. Maybe invest in some therapy? You know your behavior is hinky and obsessive...I know you see it. He isn't going to see you. Stop trying to force him to face you or talk to you. If he wanted to see you or talk to you, he would. YOU are the one initiating contacting and pressuring him to meet you. YOU are the one who is all twisted up and full of anxiety. He isn't stressed about work or marriage - he is stressed because you won't leave him alone.

 

Closure comes from within you. From what you have written, you really haven't even had much actual contact with him besides obsessive emailing (on your part). What is there to get over? Why do you think this is love? He isn't leaving his wife. Please please please....stop trying to force him to be in an affair. He doesn't have to meet with you to tell you goodbye. Heck, he probably is scared to death to do that since you fears you will out him to everyone (as you have threatened to do!). Just let him go.

[bentnotbroken]

You are pretty close being called a stalker....if he or his wife decides to make an issue of it. I would back off before I end up in hot water if I were you.

[KathyM]

How much more of your life are you going to waste on this man? He's not available--never was. Even if he does end up divorced eventually, and that's a big if, he's in no condition emotionally to commit to anyone. He's messed up. Find yourself an emotionally healthy man that you can actually have a complete, normal relationship with. Stop contacting this OM. It's not good for you. Don't you think you should have better than that?

[TurboGirl]

I second BB's post.

 

I feel for you -- you wanted to believe so badly, and you kept believing... but my dear no matter what you do/say, this guy is gone. G O N E. I know it is difficult to accept.

 

From what you wrote, I see that he never had any intention of "leaving" or being with you. I know that you can't see it, but I can. Empty promises, by a liar and a manipulator.

 

You love him? No you don't. You love the idea of what you wanted him to be to you. Deep down, you know this guy is a jerk and that you deserve better!!!

 

The reasons he has replied to you, with your coaxing, is that you have terrified him. He is scared that you will go after him, his family, his work. Or, something worse, and he will be in trouble. You have to stop contacting him... you are almost stalking him. Stop, ok?

 

Don't concern yourself about this MM. Period. Focus on healing yourself!!!!

 

See if you can get some counseling to help you through this time, I'm concerned that you are obsessed with this MM, and a professional can help you see the light objectively and get some distance.

 

(((HUG)))

[whichwayisup]

Do nothing. This guy isn't worth it! I don't know if you truly love him or are just used to/addicted to how he made you feel. All I know is from reading what you've said, it's doing TONS of damage to you. You've lost who you are in this process and have no sense of when to stop and let go.

 

It's time..To let go and begin your grieving process so you can heal and find happiness again.

 

This situation and being obsessed with him is killing you and it's unhealthy.

 

Please consider some counselling if you can't cope or deal with this on your own.

[Quiet Storm]

 

Do I drop him a line to see how he's doing, do I wait and hope that once he's

got his head together he'll at the very least face me and talk? Whichever way

it goes I need closure either way.

 

I am sorry you are having such a tough time.

 

First of all, closure comes from within. Once you shut the door on him in your mind, once you are really done...the reasons won't matter. What he has to say will make no difference. Closure will come when YOU shut this down.

 

Secondly, this man has shown you time and time again that he is not interested in a relationship with you. Most OM will at least keep up the texts and emails with OW to keep her on the string for occasional sex.

 

This guy isn't even doing that.

 

He ignored you until you threatened to tell. That should tell you all you need to know. He doesn't really like you...he just fears you. Do you want a guy to pay attention to you just because he knows you got dirt on him? You are better than this!

 

It's like you know he doesn't want you... but you keep going back and setting yourself up for more rejection. Did you feel rejected by one of your parents? Many adults act out their childhood dramas with other people. You need to figure out why you keep doing this.

 

Is it because you gave up your marriage for him and don't want to admit that it was a huge mistake? You gambled on MM and you lost. Accept that. The sooner you realize this, the better off you'll be.

 

As for your H. Let him go. He deserves to be more than your backup plan.

 

You can't really love this guy. What is there to love? Someone who ignores you? Who pushes you away? He does not care about you. Why do you love him?

 

I think you don't really love him. I think you love what you thought he was. You love what you hoped he would be. You left your husband, turned your life upside down... and you don't want to accept that you did that for a guy that doesn't care. If he would just love you back, it would all be worth it, right? That's not gonna happen! Accepting this is the first step in your healing.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but you need to focus less on OM and his therapy, and more on yourself. Get yourself into therapy. Find out why you are hanging on, emailing this guy month after month with nothing in return. You are fixated on him and it is not healthy.

 

Work on yourself, so that you can move on to more healthy, MUTUALLY fulfilling relationships.

Edited August 13, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[dreamingoftigers]

I am sorry you are having such a tough time.

 

First of all, closure comes from within. Once you shut the door on him in your mind, once you are really done...the reasons won't matter. What he has to say will make no difference. Closure will come when YOU shut this down.

 

Secondly, this man has shown you time and time again that he is not interested in a relationship with you. Most OM will at least keep up the texts and emails with OW to keep her on the string for occasional sex.

 

This guy isn't even doing that.

 

He ignored you until you threatened to tell. That should tell you all you need to know. He doesn't really like you...he just fears you. Do you want a guy to pay attention to you just because he knows you got dirt on him? You are better than this!

 

It's like you know he doesn't want you... but you keep going back and setting yourself up for more rejection. Did you feel rejected by one of your parents? Many adults act out their childhood dramas with other people. You need to figure out why you keep doing this.

Is it because you gave up your marriage for him and don't want to admit that it was a huge mistake? You gambled on MM and you lost. Accept that. The sooner you realize this, the better off you'll be.

 

As for your H. Let him go. He deserves to be more than your backup plan.

 

You can't really love this guy. What is there to love? Someone who ignores you? Who pushes you away? He does not care about you. Why do you love him?

 

I think you don't really love him. I think you love what you thought he was. You love what you hoped he would be. You left your husband, turned your life upside down... and you don't want to accept that you did that for a guy that doesn't care. If he would just love you back, it would all be worth it, right? That's not gonna happen! Accepting this is the first step in your healing.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but you need to focus less on OM and his therapy, and more on yourself. Get yourself into therapy. Find out why you are hanging on, emailing this guy month after month with nothing in return. You are fixated on him and it is not healthy.

 

Work on yourself, so that you can move on to more healthy, MUTUALLY fulfilling relationships.

 

The bolded, stop before this destroys you.

 

Read Taming Your Outer Child.

[Silly_Girl]

Hey there MAAH. good advice n this thread but I think it's going to be REALLY hard to take. It's quite a complicated situation at your end with a lot to think about and deal with. And there's a lot of ingrained habit in what you're doing, so it WILL be a challenge. I hope it helped to write it all out. How do you feel now?

[Gentlegirl]

The xMM's actions are telling you that IT'S OVER.

 

If he cared about your relationship, would he go weeks at a time and not contact you? I don't think so.

 

The only reason he's in touch is fear of you blowing the whistle on him.

 

Somehow, you have to get your head around the fact that he just doesn't want you and isn't interested... sorry to be so blunt with you. It's very hurtful.

 

I used to say to myself over and over again....'He just doesn't want you."

It took me a while to start believing it but now I know it's true. it was very difficult to believe that xMM could profess to love me so much and just leave a train wreck behind him. He did!

 

Your xmm has done the same to you. He has left you in a dreadfully fragile state. I know how much you are hurting.

 

Do you have any family support? Do you have anybody you can talk to?

I feel you are on the edge of the ledge, so to speak.

 

My heart goes out to you,

 

Gentlegirl.

[MadAsAHatter]

Thank you so much for all the feedback. Gentle and blunt, it's all welcome.

 

I guess I haven't really explained things very well and now having read my post I do sound a bit like a fruitcake. I'm really not. Just someone who gave him everything and then got appalling treatment in return.

 

I didn't threaten him. I said, "hey I'm in a bad way here...referred myself to a counsellor as I was having destructive thoughts about destroying you like you have me...please don't put me through this...I don't wanna end up doing crazy things, just talk to me..." etc.

 

I don't actually believe he even noticed the risks or the thought that I'd ever tell. He knows I'd never do that (my family would get hurt too if it all came out). He think he only replied because I was seeking help and it may have made him feel bad. When we actually did meet he never even mentioned it. It was all him him him and his struggles. I can't explain it. It's as if I was the safe bet who would wait around and endure anything until he was ready.

 

We were extremely close, as close as two people in that situation could be and we were planning a future. He couldn't get enough of me, relied on me for love and support and advice and all that. Then one day he was gone. That's kinda hard to swallow.

 

I don't have any childhood issues. The only thing the counsellor picked up on was my altruistic nature. I go to great lengths to help and care for others often at my own expense. Yeah you're not kidding I do.

 

I am trying hard to move on and gone are the days where I shut the world out and cry each night for him. I just want to reach the stage where I wake in the morning and don't immediately think about him.

 

Thanks, I won't contact him. He's in a bigger mess than I am and I will leave him be. He must know feel down that his actions were appalling. The mast time we spoke he couldn't even remember things I'd told him (just everyday stuff) and I found that quite disturbing. I guess if he does get sorted he'll come and find me if he wants to. If he doesn't then I'll know it wasn't meant to be.

 

It's the confusion that has driven me to distraction. His mixed messages, requests to be in touch then disappearing, total disregard of what he's done. If I should've picked up on the hints then I didn't and if by not doing so it means that I'm a stalker, well then I'm a crazed stalker. But I'm not! Not once did he ever tell me what wax going on or that it was over. He could've been dead and when you're used to having someone so much in your life and you're planning the way forward, then they disappear without trace - it kinda drives you a little bit mad and you do start to question your own sanity.

 

Anyway, thanks again I do appreciate it. :-)

[bentnotbroken]

Thank you so much for all the feedback. Gentle and blunt, it's all welcome.

 

I guess I haven't really explained things very well and now having read my post I do sound a bit like a fruitcake. I'm really not. Just someone who gave him everything and then got appalling treatment in return.

 

I didn't threaten him. I said, "hey I'm in a bad way here...referred myself to a counsellor as I was having destructive thoughts about destroying you like you have me...please don't put me through this...I don't wanna end up doing crazy things, just talk to me..." etc.

 

I don't actually believe he even noticed the risks or the thought that I'd ever tell. He knows I'd never do that (my family would get hurt too if it all came out). He think he only replied because I was seeking help and it may have made him feel bad. When we actually did meet he never even mentioned it. It was all him him him and his struggles. I can't explain it. It's as if I was the safe bet who would wait around and endure anything until he was ready.

 

We were extremely close, as close as two people in that situation could be and we were planning a future. He couldn't get enough of me, relied on me for love and support and advice and all that. Then one day he was gone. That's kinda hard to swallow.

 

I don't have any childhood issues. The only thing the counsellor picked up on was my altruistic nature. I go to great lengths to help and care for others often at my own expense. Yeah you're not kidding I do.

 

I am trying hard to move on and gone are the days where I shut the world out and cry each night for him. I just want to reach the stage where I wake in the morning and don't immediately think about him.

Thanks, I won't contact him. He's in a bigger mess than I am and I will leave him be. He must know feel down that his actions were appalling. The mast time we spoke he couldn't even remember things I'd told him (just everyday stuff) and I found that quite disturbing. I guess if he does get sorted he'll come and find me if he wants to. If he doesn't then I'll know it wasn't meant to be.

 

It's the confusion that has driven me to distraction. His mixed messages, requests to be in touch then disappearing, total disregard of what he's done. If I should've picked up on the hints then I didn't and if by not doing so it means that I'm a stalker, well then I'm a crazed stalker. But I'm not! Not once did he ever tell me what wax going on or that it was over. He could've been dead and when you're used to having someone so much in your life and you're planning the way forward, then they disappear without trace - it kinda drives you a little bit mad and you do start to question your own sanity.

 

Anyway, thanks again I do appreciate it. :-)

 

 

It is good you won't contact him. And by the way, his actions were appalling when he started to cheat, his actions just weren't directed at you at that point, so it wasn't that big a deal.

[MadAsAHatter]

Yeah you're quite right Bentnotbroken, his actions were pretty vile from the start. And pretty vile when he cheated in his first marriage too...forgot to mention that bit!

 

Hmm...I've had a lucky escape really haven't I? Lol, I knew I should've told my tale here sooner. It's both scary and good to hear the thoughts of others. I have 2 close friends who know everything but apart from them, no one knows.

 

Feeling better already after all the advice and thoughts on this. Can't tell you how grateful I am. I am better than this and no one has the right to drive me out of my mind. Yeah I'm gonna chant that mantra now; he just doesn't want me. Hopefully with a bit more time I won't want him either.

 

As sure as eggs are eggs though, he will be back in touch. A few months, a year, I don't know, but I know him and I know he won't be able to leave this. That's not living in hope because to be honest, I don't even know what I hope for anymore. I just know he will.

 

Hopefully I will have healed when that happens and I can tell him to go screw himself.

 

That's the plan anyway!

 

Thanks everyone. X

[MadAsAHatter]

Yeah you're quite right Bentnotbroken, his actions were pretty vile from the start. And pretty vile when he cheated in his first marriage too...forgot to mention that bit!

 

Hmm...I've had a lucky escape really haven't I? Lol, I knew I should've told my tale here sooner. It's both scary and good to hear the thoughts of others. I have 2 close friends who know everything but apart from them, no one knows.

 

Feeling better already after all the advice and thoughts on this. Can't tell you how grateful I am. I am better than this and no one has the right to drive me out of my mind. Yeah I'm gonna chant that mantra now; he just doesn't want me. Hopefully with a bit more time I won't want him either.

 

As sure as eggs are eggs though, he will be back in touch. A few months, a year, I don't know, but I know him and I know he won't be able to leave this once his head's sorted and he realises what he's done. That's not living in hope because to be honest, I don't even know what I hope for anymore. I just know he will.

 

Hopefully I will have healed when that happens and I can tell him to go screw himself.

 

That's the plan anyway!

 

Thanks everyone. X

[NoIDidn't]

Sounds like he had more time for you when you were still with your husband. He sounds like he wanted an affair with a married woman so he would never be pressured to leave.

 

Either way, I wouldn't bother telling him to screw off if you aren't going to contact him. Treat him like he treated you, don't respond to him. He doesn't deserve it anyway.