justme37 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Ok, I've been dating this girl for about 2 months. When we met she disclosed a close personal friend, who happens to be a guy which is ok by me, as I've never had a problem with this in previous relationships. Here is the thing. Since we have started dating, he has kinda fallen out of the picture, not doing things with or for her that he previously had promised, such as helping her move etc etc. I've requested we all hang out, so I could meet him etc etc, but something always seems to come up. Now according to her, they were introduced by a mutual friend, and she showed romantic interest in him, but he told her that she wasn't his type and wasn't interested so they decided to just be friends... I've met a lot of her family, and most of her other friends, but not him.... Obviously something isn't right........just cant put my finger on it Anybody been through similar?
phineas Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 So, does this guy still do things with her & just avoid meeting you or does she not meet with him any more at all?
Author justme37 Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 They have hung out one time since we have been dating, and she told me before hand.
Dust Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Well I’m curious how old are you guys. You have 37 in your name so are you guys in your 30’s? It sounds like you guys are in college with this story. Personally I don’t mind my gf having male friends. In fact in today’s world you really need “friends” of both sex. The thing is any relationship needs boundaries. What is ok for me might not be ok for you and vice versa. For me I don’t want a gf who hangs out and does things with a guy “friend.” I mean if she is “friends” with him at work and they write what I consider to be harmless things on each others fb wall every once a while that’s cool. What I would never be cool with is a girl who goes out clubbing, or to dinner, movies etc with some guy “friend.” A girl who spends a lone time of any sort especially at his place. I certainly wouldn’t be ok with constant communication like txts, phone calls, fb that just seemed to much. I wouldn’t date a girl like that. Decide for yourself what works. If your gut is telling you something is up then it is. Fact is she liked this guy and now they are friends. Very bad sign. Especially since guys don’t really hang out with girls they don’t want. Something probably already happened is my guess, and if it hasn’t happened yet its going to. Fix this so you are comfortable by setting up boundaries or just leave.
piggyoink Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Especially since guys don’t really hang out with girls they don’t want. I often hang out with girls I don't want.
sm1tten Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I don't understand why it matters if you meet him or not. It sounds like he is phasing out of her/your life for whatever reason, which I wouldn't necessarily attribute to something happening between them during the course of your relationship. So I'm confused, unless I'm missing something here.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 She is probably REALLY attracted to him, and thats why she still likes hanging around him, just in case he caves. So if you screw up, guess who she will be pushin up on again?
Dust Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I often hang out with girls I don't want. So, you’re claiming to be a guy who spends regular alone time with a “friend” of the opposite sex you don’t like? I call Bull Sht on that one! Now in the situation described in the original post it is surely BS that they are just “friends” because she admittedly had/has romantic interest in the guy.
piggyoink Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 So, you’re claiming to be a guy who spends regular alone time with a “friend” of the opposite sex you don’t like? I call Bull Sht on that one! Now in the situation described in the original post it is surely BS that they are just “friends” because she admittedly had/has romantic interest in the guy. most of my friends in both the online and face to face categories are female.
Nexus One Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Perhaps he's one of those guys that understands and respects boundaries. Theory: He knows she's into him, but he's not into her. He respects the boundaries of other people's relationships, so he retreated once he knew she got a boyfriend. He understood that it wasn't appropriate to hang out with her out of respect for her relationship and for you as the boyfriend. He thinks she actually shouldn't be hanging out with him now that she has a boyfriend. He doesn't find her contacting him appropriate now that she has a boyfriend. But that's just one theory.
Pierre Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Now according to her, they were introduced by a mutual friend, and she showed romantic interest in him, but he told her that she wasn't his type and wasn't interested so they decided to just be friends... I've met a lot of her family, and most of her other friends, but not him.... Obviously something isn't right........just cant put my finger on it Anybody been through similar? She is only describing the tip of the Iceberg, that is what they all do. So she likes the guy, but HE asked her to be just friends. Hmm, she is describing this from a female perspective. If a guy is not into a woman he generally does not play the friend zone game. She wants you to believe this guy FZ her. I don't buy it! Furthermore, your gut is telling you something. When it comes to cheating: Once the guy screams there is generally something fishy going on.
collegeguy_24 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 She is only describing the tip of the Iceberg, that is what they all do. So she likes the guy, but HE asked her to be just friends. Hmm, she is describing this from a female perspective. If a guy is not into a woman he generally does not play the friend zone game. She wants you to believe this guy FZ her. I don't buy it! Furthermore, your gut is telling you something. When it comes to cheating: Once the guy screams there is generally something fishy going on. This is true, trust me on this I have experience in this, as my ex hung out with her male friends all the time, and later on I learned most of them were former FWBs. One of the guys she hung out with, she left me for. My gut was telling me something but instead I decided to have trust in the relationship. Don't follow my mistake, its obvious something is fishy. She admitted that she had/has feelings for the guy, so it sounds like she is settling for you and waiting for the other guy to come around, which is never a good sign.
Dust Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I often hang out with girls I don't want. So your gf hangs out with guys she wanted to date, and they do stuff alone? You’re fine that? I wouldn’t be ok with what the OP describes and my advice to the OP is to have a boundaries talk with his girl and leave if he doesn’t like the boundaries she wants.
AHardDaysNight Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 There's nothing wrong with it, if they are just friends. However, from what you describe, for some reason she is hiding you meeting him. Maybe he is a male model, and she is afraid of getting you jealous?
Tybalt Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 When I was dating my last boyfriend, I was very careful to be respectful and above board with a friendship I have had with a guy for almost a decade. I did have less contact with my friend and did not hang out with him alone. On the one occasion my friend and I did get together during the time I dated my boyfriend, I invited him to come meet us, and he did. The point was, I never wanted to make my boyfriend feel uncomfortable or even appear to be pushing any boundaries. My boyfriend never said a word, this was just my own standard of comfort and respect for the person I was involved with. For me, if I really like someone, I do NOT want to mess it up and I will respect it to the utmost level.
Casablanca Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Perhaps he's one of those guys that understands and respects boundaries. Theory: He knows she's into him, but he's not into her. He respects the boundaries of other people's relationships, so he retreated once he knew she got a boyfriend. He understood that it wasn't appropriate to hang out with her out of respect for her relationship and for you as the boyfriend. He thinks she actually shouldn't be hanging out with him now that she has a boyfriend. He doesn't find her contacting him appropriate now that she has a boyfriend. But that's just one theory. I was thinking that or he likes her and now that he knows she is off limits/he has really no chance he has backed off as well
vsmini Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 This is true, trust me on this I have experience in this, as my ex hung out with her male friends all the time, and later on I learned most of them were former FWBs. One of the guys she hung out with, she left me for. My gut was telling me something but instead I decided to have trust in the relationship. Don't follow my mistake, its obvious something is fishy. She admitted that she had/has feelings for the guy, so it sounds like she is settling for you and waiting for the other guy to come around, which is never a good sign. I agree. I'm female and had the situation happen to me. My guy left me for a close girl friend of his. I wanted to be trusting.....I didn't want to be the jealous type....I wanted to be kind and understanding. BACKFIRE. If a girl has a male harem or a guy has a female "friend" harem on-call. Run for the f*cking hills. Can guys and girls be friends? In some cases....YES but most of the time it's a big fat NO
phineas Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I agree. I'm female and had the situation happen to me. My guy left me for a close girl friend of his. I wanted to be trusting.....I didn't want to be the jealous type....I wanted to be kind and understanding. BACKFIRE. If a girl has a male harem or a guy has a female "friend" harem on-call. Run for the f*cking hills. Can guys and girls be friends? In some cases....YES but most of the time it's a big fat NO I can be "friends" with women in that I can prevent any emotional attachment, not get jealous about other men, be cool not doing anything romantic ect. But i'd slay it if offered the chance. I don't "friend" chicks because I want to sleep with them. I "friend" them because i'm 39 & single & 99.9% of my friends are still married so i'm either going out alone, on an actual date or I can find a chick friend to be my wing woman. But it never works out in the long run eventually the attention whore in them comes out and I become their favorite orbiter because every time the women start getting possessive & try to get me into some messed up situation where we are "taking it slow" or "I don't want a relationship based on sex". Err, we were friends for 6 months how is that not taking it "slow"? Then before I know it i'm out trying to match my own clothes because my female "friend" expected me to be in a relationship with her sans sex. I've been there before, it's called marriage. LOLOLOLOLOL!
piggyoink Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 http://www.welovedates.com/blog/2011/06/guest-post-can-men-and-women-just-be-friends/ Don’t be the psycho forcing your significant other to end all friendships with the opposite sex because of YOUR insecurities. Friendships are just as important as romantic relationships in life and you are no one to take that away from someone you claim to love. And if you happen to sense something isn’t right, learn to communicate your fears with your partner instead of automatically assuming an affair is going on.
collegeguy_24 Posted August 22, 2011 Posted August 22, 2011 http://www.welovedates.com/blog/2011/06/guest-post-can-men-and-women-just-be-friends/ Don’t be the psycho forcing your significant other to end all friendships with the opposite sex because of YOUR insecurities. Friendships are just as important as romantic relationships in life and you are no one to take that away from someone you claim to love. And if you happen to sense something isn’t right, learn to communicate your fears with your partner instead of automatically assuming an affair is going on. DId you even read this thread, or just post after reading the title? The OP said clearly, that his GF had or still has feelings for this guy friend, thats different then just male/female friend.
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