bluewolf17 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Hi All, I haven't been on here for a long time-but thought I would give a quick update. When I came to this forumn I was really hurt. I had been the one to dump my boyfriend, but I realized it was a mistake. We were apart for 9 months after being together for (I think) 3 years. After a lot of taking it slow, figuring out where we went wrong, we got back together. This December will be six years and we just moved in together. Things are better than ever. I think it's important to remmeber to take advice with a grain of salt. There were some community members that could be really crule and curt with you, some that told you it would never work out, some that though it would definetly work out. Every relatinship is different, and I don't want to give hurting relationships false hope, but if you come at it with a open heart, are honest and communicate, and the two parties want to make it work, it will. Best of luck to everyone.
The_Good_Me Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Really happy for you Bluewolf My sister and her fiance are another success story. She left him after 5 years (they weren't engaged at the time), hooked up with someone else almost straight away and then went back to her original boyfriend about 3 months later. I didn't think it would last at first but they've been together for another 5 years and are getting married next year. It took them a long time to get back to a stable relationship and it took him years to totally move past it. I think he was remarkable for going through it and forgiving her and I think she, even though was to blame, has made up for it as she has had to endure a relationship without complete trust for a long time. It was the price she paid, she has paid it and now they are one of the strongest couples I know. I am very proud of them both and I am as happy for you as I am proud of them! I think the majority of us dumpee's hope for the same outcome but I think we have to realise that it is very rare to even get the opportunity to reconcile. I do think it is important not to cling on to hope for a reconciliation as I believe it's better to not hope and be plesantly surprised, than to hope and be let down. It's like having hope just sets you up for a fall unless you happen to be one of the lucky few that get a second chance. It is good advice that you have given in the event of a "chance" of reconciliation presenting itself. Both parties have to be willing to make it work and must be prepared to work on the relationship for a long time while understanding it isn't easy. Like you said, each relationship is different as every person out there is different. It's down to each individual to make up their own minds and do what is in their character, while at the same time, respecting the decisions and wishes of our ex's regardless of the pain (yeah it sucks!). I've thought a lot about what I would do or say if my ex ever came back. I guess it would have to depend on what she had done during our time apart. Some days I think I could forgive her being with another man, other days I think I can't. I guess I really don't know what I would say, do or forgive until I were presented with everything. I am not expecting anything to happen though. I secretly hope for it as I am not far enough along in NC to have severed my love for her. I was with her for 10 years so I think that will take a very long time. What I am working on at the moment is trying to accept that I will have this love for her for a long time and there isn't really anything I can do to make it go away any faster. For me at least, I think the best method at the moment is to keep NC going and just see what happens without expecting it. Again congratulations on a successful reconciliation
Layzie89 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Hey bluewolf. First off congratulations on your new relationship and thank you for coming back to share your story with the rest of us. Was wondering if you can elaborate a biy more on the breakup. Why did you end things with your boyfriend? Was there any third party involved, such as in a case of GIGS or something? You were apart for nine months, during this time were you dating anyone else? Did your ex try and remain in contact with you at all? Just a few questions..again congrats and thank you.
Ddeepprreesseedd Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Hi All, I haven't been on here for a long time-but thought I would give a quick update. When I came to this forumn I was really hurt. I had been the one to dump my boyfriend, but I realized it was a mistake. We were apart for 9 months after being together for (I think) 3 years. After a lot of taking it slow, figuring out where we went wrong, we got back together. This December will be six years and we just moved in together. Things are better than ever. I think it's important to remmeber to take advice with a grain of salt. There were some community members that could be really crule and curt with you, some that told you it would never work out, some that though it would definetly work out. Every relatinship is different, and I don't want to give hurting relationships false hope, but if you come at it with a open heart, are honest and communicate, and the two parties want to make it work, it will. Best of luck to everyone. I am so happy for you. It goes to show that life is not black and white but it's full of colors. Every situation is indeed different and sometimes there is a happy ending despite all odds. I hope you continue with personal and relationship enrichment. I wish you and your partner all the best. Keep smiling P.S. Do not get discouraged by self-appointed love gurus with their one-sided love advice.
Nohbody Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Just when I think I've chopped the last head, two more spring up unexpectedly. Thanks for sharing, and wishing you all the best. Seriously.
Author bluewolf17 Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Thanks everyone! When you are hurting, it's easy to get wrapped up in all the what ifs and I should ofs.. I remember getting so much contradicting advice on here..people saying it wouldn't work, that I was a jerk..blah blah. All you can do is what you think is right with the information you are presented with. Someone asked for a little more information..you can view my old posts and find out everything if you wish. But no, I didn't cheat and neither did he and we both actually went on dates during the breakup but nothing serious.
0hpenelope Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 Congratulations OP! I haven't read your thread yet, but I'll come back to it. One substantial question I can ask you is how did you handle it when you were in doubt about whether or not you're doing the right thing? When you're questioning your feelings or whether or not this was worth working out?
sarahg_8 Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 that is great to hear. i'm also considering a reconciliation (see my last post) and find it refreshing to hear success stories. to outsiders looking in, things look very simple but as we all know, in relationships they're anything but. i'm happy for you and i hope i can come back and share a similar success story months from now.
Orianne Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 I'm always happy to hear of others who have had success with reconciliation. Before we were married, my husband and I broke up for at least four months, and even when we finally got back together, people were so rude about it--said we'd just break up again, or that the same issues would pop back up. Fortunately, they've all been proven wrong. Congrats to you for doing what was in your heart.
0hpenelope Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 (edited) I'm always happy to hear of others who have had success with reconciliation. Before we were married, my husband and I broke up for at least four months, and even when we finally got back together, people were so rude about it--said we'd just break up again, or that the same issues would pop back up. Fortunately, they've all been proven wrong. Congrats to you for doing what was in your heart. Orianne, these are examples of conveniences that people like to believe in because it's helpful to them. It's harder to accept that possibilities exist and that believing in them without having to compromise self and healing is very doable. These are realities that many live in for the rest of their lives and are just as happy. At the same time, you've seen the other side of the coin and you know that going back and lasting is possible. Break ups happen because of incompatibility, timing, immaturity, and other sorts of reasons that are very difficult to accept because the concepts are just as difficult to understand. Sometimes, they don't need understanding - just accepting. For myself, I've never bought into this reasoning - "...said we'd just break up again, or that the same issues would pop back up" - because getting into a relationship with a new person doesn't guarantee that the new person is likelier to stay than the ex. Going by that reasoning, I'd better call my relatives who have gotten back together with their exes and are now their spouses - a divorce is imminent, not an "if" but "when," just they wait and see! They'd slap me and I'd deserve it. Congratulations to you and your spouse, too. Perhaps you can answer my questions as well. How did you handle it when you were in doubt about whether or not you're doing the right thing? When you're questioning your feelings or whether or not this was worth working out? Edited August 14, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Orianne Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Congratulations to you and your spouse, too. Perhaps you can answer my questions as well. How did you handle it when you were in doubt about whether or not you're doing the right thing? When you're questioning your feelings or whether or not this was worth working out? In hindsight, I wasn't very smart about the whole thing. I just put aside my doubts and went with my gut. I didn't care what anyone else had to say, even him. I really don't recommend that to anyone--I think I was extremely lucky.
Jdw_Icequeen Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Long time no see... I don't know if you remember me or not but I remember you.. Reading some of the threads kind of took me back. I'm really happy for you! He definetly seemed like he still cared, but who really know's the end result ehh.. Congrats and good luck!
Author bluewolf17 Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 Hi Ice Queen! Yes I remember you! Hope all is well! Thanks to everyone for the kind words. To answer OhPenelopes question...I guess I didn't deal well questioning if I was doing the right thing..or doing it correctly. I guess I am confused by your question. But It was hard to know if I should play the game (NC) or if I should follow my heart and tell him how I felt at all times. So I guess I did a bit of both of those. NC is really hard as any poster will tell you. And it was true that when I went NC, he did seem to respond. But he later told me that he felt my NC was me saying I was loosing interest, and that the times when I went NC is when he felt it was really over and that we had nothing left. He thought the times when I reached out to him were me "proving" that I did still love him and want him back. Go figure! Sometimes I felt foolish, othertimes I felt confident...I can't really explain it.
0hpenelope Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 To answer OhPenelopes question...I guess I didn't deal well questioning if I was doing the right thing..or doing it correctly. I guess I am confused by your question. I meant how did you come to the realization that getting back together with him was worth it. Because since you were going back to someone whose feelings and opinion of you will be "tainted" since you left him, he would understandably be doubtful, he won't be sure whether or not you were sincere in your efforts of getting him back, etc. How did you decide to swallow your pride to reach out to him? Also, how would you have felt if he reacted as many of the 'dumpees' here do? If he did beg for you etc., how did it make you feel? I haven't read your threads I'll admit, but I think seeing your take on the past now is beneficial as well. But It was hard to know if I should play the game (NC) or if I should follow my heart and tell him how I felt at all times. So I guess I did a bit of both of those. NC is really hard as any poster will tell you. And it was true that when I went NC, he did seem to respond. But he later told me that he felt my NC was me saying I was loosing interest, and that the times when I went NC is when he felt it was really over and that we had nothing left. He thought the times when I reached out to him were me "proving" that I did still love him and want him back. Go figure! Sometimes I felt foolish, othertimes I felt confident...I can't really explain it. That makes sense. It's that see saw pattern we see. How you managed it was probably the best you could do at the time. . Congratulations again!
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