k100danny Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Ive been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 months. now she does work quite a lot, 4 nights a week which means she also spends 4 days a week in bed mainly. we usualy get to see each other twice a week and she has a night in with friends which i think is cool. sometimes thought i dont get to see her for a week or more. i like to think in a relationship you make time for each other when you can. i know i could always find time for her. she is very secure and im a bit anxious in relationships so i suppose this could be it, but should i get bothered when she has to cancel a night with me as she is too tired or on occasions she has double booked me. like tomorrow it will be a week since we saw each other, and we had casually made plans to have dinner before she went to work. I text asking where she would like to go today and she said she was sorry but she had said she wuld take her nephew and his friend out for the day and for dinner (its the school holidays here in the uk) i got quite mad and replied with i am annoyed you cant see me and you double book me a lot. i said that if she double books me in future id like to know as soon as she realises as id kind of made a plan of going out. she was quite taken back and said i was mad about her going out with her nephew? now she seems in a mood. maybe i could have worded my earlier text better so she didnt feel it was an attack. i have replied saying that i didnt mean it to sound bad ut i would have liked to be invited and i do get upset when i cant see her much. I feel this is fair but should i have said this in the first place? i sometimes let my emotions go before thinking and then worry ive ruined it.
molimo140 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 First off, no more texts. Texts are cool for short communication like "hey what's up" or "i'll be there soon", but for dates and the like, you need to call. I seriously feel that text messages create huge problems for relationships. Secondly, there is no written rule about how often you should see someone. You should see your SO as much as you both mutually want to see each other. It sounds like your SO is a busy person, but it also sounds like she really doesn't prioritize your relationship. Then again you haven't been together very long either. I'd call her and tell her that your text didn't come off right, that you just were excited to see her and disappointed when she said she couldn't. As far as everything else is concerned.. I guess you guys need to decide whether she is too busy to make this work. At least call her every couple days if you can't see her, keep the connection alive. Relationships only work when both parties try. If one doesn't, it's time to move on.
Author k100danny Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Yes i agree things should be talked out on the phone. we chat via text nearly all day everyday to keep some contact. she isnt a real big talk on the phone person but we do call each other aswell at least once every couple of days. I think maybe i do need more time than she does, it does sometimes feel like this isnt as important to her as it is me though but she is a very secure person as i have said and i tend to worry a lot, i have an anxious attatchment style i have come to find out. Im usualy ok with a few days a week. i know she is busy and i like her to obviously keep in touch with her friends aswell. qBut yes i suppose as sad as it is and as much as i adore her, if she cant give me the time it wouldnt be fair on her to pressure her for time and it wouldnt be fair on me if i felt i wasnt getting what i needed. It is very hard for me to think like that though as she is the only person i have felt like this about in a long long time.
Cypress25 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 No matter how long you've been together, the courteous thing to do is notify each other right away if you have to cancel plans. As soon as she realized she couldn't have dinner with you, she should have called to let you know. Instead she waited for you to call, only to inform you that your plans had been cancelled. That's rude and inconsiderate. Not only is she blowing you off, she's also making it clear that she doesn't think your time is valuable. And if she's doing this on a consistent basis, you have every right to be upset. If I were you, I would wonder why she never wants to see you.
justme37 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 You're simply not a priority for her or she would be making time to see you and not canceling at the last minute without notice. Obviously you're not cool with not being a priority, so I suggest moving on
make me believe Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I agree that you're not a priority for her. When I started dating my husband, we only saw each other about 2x a week for the first several months because of his work schedule. But when our schedules matched we ALWAYS made each other a priority. For example, we both had Saturdays free so we reserved that day to hang out with each other. If your GF was making you a priority, she would want to arrange something similar. It's really sh*tty for her to make plans with you and then cancel because something else came along.
todd Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 It seems like this is what you can expect from her in the future unless you take a stand and make her accountable for her actions. YOu need to know how to set boundaries if you are uncomfortable with the way the relationship is going. If you and your girlfriend had plans to go out and she ended up planning something else afterwards without letting you know it is your job to call her out on it. You need to let her know that you want to be a priority in her life and even though you understand plans can change, it is important for her to let you know about it and be willing to make it up to you with some other plan. If you let it go that she is constantly double booking and letting you down then she will jsut continue to do it. If she thinks what you are saying is unreasonable overall then this relationship just might not be working for you.
Author k100danny Posted August 13, 2011 Author Posted August 13, 2011 Thanks for all the help. i do believe she did make plans with her nephew first and we didnt have firm plans she just said we could maybe grab lunch as we didnt have much free time this week or should i say she didnt but would still like to see me if only for a couple of hours. i do believe she did forget, when i mentioned that it wasnt ok, ok i got a bit angry and maybe didnt handle it right as i know plans can change and im usually fine with that. I would have liked her to ask me, maybe she thought i wouldnt want to go with two youngsters but it would still have been ncie to be asked. I have canceled plans with her before though and she has only done it to me a couple of times all with what i consider good reason. we have decided to talk tomorrow. I think she really does care, she talks about me to all of her friends ect and they all tell me she has never been like this before, i also get invited to her family home ect. I do agree that as hard as it is to admit though both parties should be happy in a relationship. i used to think i was unreasonable being needy but everyone has the right to be happy. Im sure we will talk it out and see what happens. I do sometimes think i am being unreasonable because i know how busy she is and how tired all the work ect can make her. but i like to think i would make time for her, in fact i know i would. i have cancelled plans with friends and moved them so i can see her on her only free day ect and i really dont have a problem doing that at all. I guess time will tell and whatever will be will be.
robdrm32 Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 I've been in this (almost) exact situation. Don't have a conversation, put your foot down. She is either going to make you a priority or she isn't. Tell her you need to be a priority and give it a week or two. Things don't change? Move on. Stop trying to rationalize and make excuses. She isn't a bad person for not making you a priority but you aren't happy with the way the relationship is. You can either bitch out and deal with it or man up and take control.
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