confusedinkansas Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 To hate the OM or OW in order for you to actually move on in your marriage? .....Or is it just something that society/LSers tells us we should feel - After the affair is over? I was just reading another thread & got to wondering this.
Owl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 No, I don't think it's necessary to hate the OW/OM... But it IS necessary to remove him from your life, from your heart, and from your mind. And many people find that far easier if they hate the person that they're removing.
rafallus Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 To hate the OM or OW in order for you to actually move on in your marriage?No. In fact, if you want to move on, hate is much worse than indifference, because it suggests that there still are some strong emotions there.
PegNosePete Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Yes what Owl said. I didn't hate the OM at all, even right after D-day, and I still don't. I wouldn't exactly be best mates with him but I don't hate him. He just did what many single men (of his type) would do, he took the opportunity for sex when presented with it. I hated my wife for what she did. She is the one who promised to forsake all others, she is the one who promised to be faithful to me as long as she lived, she is the one who betrayed me, and she is the one who broke her wedding vows. It is her who deserved my hate, not the OM. Now I couldn't give a carp about either of them.
silktricks Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 No. In fact, if you want to move on, hate is much worse than indifference, because it suggests that there still are some strong emotions there. This. It's not good for either the WS or the BS to hate the OW/OM. It makes her/him too important. Indifference is far healthier.
Tech_E Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 No, definitely not. My wife's AP means NOTHING to me. He is an insignificant person to me. I feel nothing towards him at all. If it wasn't him it would have been someone else. My wife was focused on hatred towards the person I chose to have my revenge affair with. It almost tore her apart in fact. I think it's normal to go through phases and one of them is likely hatred or at least disgust towards the AP, but you must eventually let it go.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 To hate the OM or OW in order for you to actually move on in your marriage? .....Or is it just something that society/LSers tells us we should feel - After the affair is over? I was just reading another thread & got to wondering this. It's just a short term coping mechanism. You should already know this.
Maladjusted Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I hate him for the simple fact that he came over and played house with my wife while I was out of town. You don't invade another man's castle.
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 I guess part of why the question has come up is because if someone was in an affair, did you not at that time love this other person? (I know for some it's just sex & emotions never come into play....but for most of us that's not the case) ..... THEN how is it that your emotions just shut off? I personally don't hate my XAP. I'm sure he's still a very good man & a good human being. I know he is a great father to his kids. (I will NEVER believe that an affair ever changes your parenting skills) I like the word you used rafallus "Indifference" I hate him for the simple fact that he came over and played house with my wife while I was out of town. Why is it you hate him? Isn't it necessary to even KNOW someone prior to having such strong feelings towards them? Wasn't it your wife that made the decision to be with him? ...........Curious
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 It's just a short term coping mechanism. You should already know this. I guess I really don't. I've never hated my X-AP.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 There almost seems to be a massive confusion on your end regarding the emotional state of the betrayed, almost like we can "pick to be more mature about it instead of being wholly upset" or "why don't we see our fault when presented with the fact that our spouse is cheating?" A great deal of our response is incredibly overwhelming, surprising even to us, and physiological. Completely different reaction then just about every other stimulus in life. I can only assume you have never come close to it. I hope that one day you do (not necessarily that you go through a spouse cheating, but just that you have the physiological reactions, maybe it turns out that your spouse didn't cheat after all or something). I hope that you go through it to improve your empathy and understanding.
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 There almost seems to be a massive confusion on your end regarding the emotional state of the betrayed, almost like we can "pick to be more mature about it instead of being wholly upset" or "why don't we see our fault when presented with the fact that our spouse is cheating?" A great deal of our response is incredibly overwhelming, surprising even to us, and physiological. Completely different reaction then just about every other stimulus in life. I can only assume you have never come close to it. I hope that one day you do (not necessarily that you go through a spouse cheating, but just that you have the physiological reactions, maybe it turns out that your spouse didn't cheat after all or something). I hope that you go through it to improve your empathy and understanding. Not really sure where this came from but OK.......I'll bite. There's no confusion on my end - The question was more directed towards the actual AFFAIR PARTNER. Not to the betrayed spouse. It sort of makes sense why initially a BS would HATE the person that their spouse had an affair with. It just seems pointless though since if you don't know that person & it wasn't that person that betrayed you. It was your spouse. - - But that's not what the initial question was. (the BS hating the X-AP)
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 It's not necessary to cheat. Absolutely agree. Doesn't mean that people will stop doing it though.
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 But that doesn't mean there won't be consequences though.' Obviously there are consequences. However, that's not what this thread is about.
drifter777 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 In my case there are two OM. One was a ONS and the other a 3-week relationship. It may sound funny but I don't fully blame them because my wife wanted sex with them and I simply don't expect men to turn down free, no-strings sex. At the same time, I would kill them both if I had the chance. I don't know where either of them are and never have. They never lived in the same state as I did so I never had the opportunity to do violence on them. At the time I felt I had nothing to lose, and there is nothing more dangerous than a man with nothing to lose. I'm being serious and honest here, I would have killed either of them if I had the chance.
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 In my case there are two OM. One was a ONS and the other a 3-week relationship. It may sound funny but I don't fully blame them because my wife wanted sex with them and I simply don't expect men to turn down free, no-strings sex. At the same time, I would kill them both if I had the chance. I don't know where either of them are and never have. They never lived in the same state as I did so I never had the opportunity to do violence on them. At the time I felt I had nothing to lose, and there is nothing more dangerous than a man with nothing to lose. I'm being serious and honest here, I would have killed either of them if I had the chance. OK - since the thread has gotten off track. (what a surprise - it happens all the time here) Here's a question for you drifter. Why would you want to kill them? Are you 100% positive that your wife didn't tell them that she wasn't married? Why is it their fault your wife cheated? ....... I'm not meaning these questions in any disrespectful manner. I'm truly curious why someone would risk doing something like that to another human being when you don't even know them & you weren't in the room when it all went down.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Not really sure where this came from but OK.......I'll bite. There's no confusion on my end - The question was more directed towards the actual AFFAIR PARTNER. Not to the betrayed spouse. It sort of makes sense why initially a BS would HATE the person that their spouse had an affair with. It just seems pointless though since if you don't know that person & it wasn't that person that betrayed you. It was your spouse. - - But that's not what the initial question was. (the BS hating the X-AP) Sorry, I guess the confusion was mine. But to clarify something: I could easily hate the OW because she is the type of person who would do disgusting things to my marriage with no regard. So yes it is entirely possible to hate the enabled of adultery just the same as I would hate the drug dealer who sold my 16 year old the meth that killed her, right?
dreamingoftigers Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I do not view OW/OM as simple "agents of choice" for what my spouse was going to do anyways anymore then I would view a drug dealer as an "agent of choice" for my 16 year old addict. Get it? You can know who made the choice in the end, but that doesn't mean that OW/OM/drug dealer's behaviour is okay or "doesn't affect me."
Snowflower Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 To hate the OM or OW in order for you to actually move on in your marriage? .....Or is it just something that society/LSers tells us we should feel - After the affair is over? I was just reading another thread & got to wondering this. Okay, it wasn't clear that the OP was directed only at fWS so that is likely why there are BS replying on your thread. Why does it matter what the fWS feels toward the affair partner if the affair has ended?
ladydesigner Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 To hate the OM or OW in order for you to actually move on in your marriage? .....Or is it just something that society/LSers tells us we should feel - After the affair is over? I was just reading another thread & got to wondering this. I did in fact feel hate toward my XOM at one point after ending, but it was mainly because how I was treated at the ending. I also know that anger is a part of grieving so I think it is normal. If I didn't come to indifference towards my XAP my M would not have survived and this goes for my H as well (he had his A's before I had mine). I do not think my H had strong feelings towards his OW's. I believe it was only to fill in the gap (lack of sex in our marriage at the time). I do not feel you can think of your XAP fondly and have a great marriage at the same time. The focus has to be between the spouses and no where else (AP).
ladydesigner Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I do not view OW/OM as simple "agents of choice" for what my spouse was going to do anyways anymore then I would view a drug dealer as an "agent of choice" for my 16 year old addict. Get it? You can know who made the choice in the end, but that doesn't mean that OW/OM/drug dealer's behaviour is okay or "doesn't affect me." I have to agree with this analogy because My H's OW's preyed on his weakness ( I am not excusing my H either he has his own issues). They knew he was married and had kids. He probably cried about how he was only getting sex once a week and these sex goddess' just ate him right up.
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Okay, it wasn't clear that the OP was directed only at fWS so that is likely why there are BS replying on your thread. Why does it matter what the fWS feels toward the affair partner if the affair has ended? It doesn't matter necessarily what the FWS feels towards their X-AP. I was reading another thread & just got to thinking. .........is it necessary to 'hate' the X if & when the affair is over in order to move on in the marriage? So many here in LS (not pointing a finger at any specific group) say on here how necessary remorse is, how necessary it is to come completely clean, how necessary.....this & how necessary that. Would it make the BS feel any better if the WS says "I hate them" (XAP)?
Owl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 It doesn't matter necessarily what the FWS feels towards their X-AP. I was reading another thread & just got to thinking. .........is it necessary to 'hate' the X if & when the affair is over in order to move on in the marriage? So many here in LS (not pointing a finger at any specific group) say on here how necessary remorse is, how necessary it is to come completely clean, how necessary.....this & how necessary that. Would it make the BS feel any better if the WS says "I hate them" (XAP)? I'm sure it would make the BS feel better. That doesn't make it 'necessary' for a marriage to recover. It would be more like icing on the cake. I knew that my wife 'loved' OM. I wouldn't have stayed married to her if she "remained in love" with OM. But I knew that those feelings would fade as she resumed her focus on me, and our relationship. And they did. She doesn't hate him...not even today. I wish him no ill will...as long as he stays smart enough to remain out of my life. If he were to try to inject himself back into the equation in any shape or form...all bets would then be off. But as long as he does nothing to potentially do that...he can have a long and happy life...it won't bother me at all. I agree with Raf...indifference at this point in time is preferable for me. It means she has no emotional investment or interest left attached to him. I might have preferred hate shortly after d-day...but I'm a bit wiser now. Even then, however...I knew it was an unrealistic expectation.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I don't think it would make me feel any better. I think that it would be a moot point at best and make them seem like an idiot at worst. Like "so you risked our family, our history and me ever loving you and trusting you again all for someone you just feel resent towards anyways, grow up. Realize that you are the Douche here." My husband will often badmouth my father who was ridiculously abusive to me growing up. IMHO my father really didn't know any better and had the maturity of a 1 year old. My husband on the other hand knew what I came up from and sold me a lemon about who he was and how he would treat me. My husband did more to destroy my spirit and self-confidence then my father could ever dream of doing (and that is saying A LOT). when my husband talks about my father and what a jerk he is, it makes me ten times more disgusted with my husband. In fact I want to shout at him about what a selfish, loser idiot HE is, but I don't. Frankly if my h were to talk about an AP like "oh she's a slutty blah blah." I would just be disgusted with him for having that opinion of her and being with her anyways. I can be disgusted by her, but really, until he were to firmly shape up, what sense does he have? To broaden the example: I can be disgusted by a vandal that smashes out car windows because the behaviour is disgusting and selfish and destructive. If my husband were a serial killer, listening to him talk about vandals who smash out car windows would really irritate me (for starters). Since I am not a criminal I can be rather disgusted by both. But don't cry to me about your car window when you are out there killing people.
silktricks Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 There's no confusion on my end - The question was more directed towards the actual AFFAIR PARTNER. Not to the betrayed spouse. I imagine that it's displacing the anger you feel towards yourself onto the AP, as if it's all her/his fault and you were an innocent victim.
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