Broke up with abusive girlfriend

[john30]

Hello folks,

 

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 18 months. She is very attractive and sociable and gets on well with people.

 

After about 6 months or so she started to become verbally abusive which in turn led to the odd shove and kick here and there. I am an easy going chap and have a lot of respect for people and I never verbally abused my girlfriend or harmed her in any way.

 

To cut a long story short it then led to her slapping me in the face and I warned her never to hit me. She said she wouldn't but still repeated it on another 4 or 5 occasions as well as damage to my property( broken draw, smashed TV).

 

About 5 weeks ago it was a full on attack, which left me with a black eye, various cuts, and damage to my hand. On top of all this is emotional abuse as well and I know people that know her would find all this very hard to believe.

 

I'm easy going and non-violent but I dont take crap off anyone. I have ended the relationship although it has hurt me badly to do so, I do love her. She says she'll change and that she'd do anything to make it work and says she has problems but still tries to pass some of the blame for her violence onto me. She said she'll get counseling but has changed her mind now. She says I should understand and help her and that I dont have any backbone if I quit, plus lots of other head pecking crap.

 

I have to admit that she is really nice at times and we get on great and I'll really miss that part of her.

 

She's done too many things to list, it's absolutely done my head in, and no matter which way I turn or how hard I try, or how much I talk to her it doesn't solve anything.

 

I suppose I'm not asking for advice as I have no intention of going back but the good memories hurt at the moment.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

I

[stillafool]

You did the right thing by breaking up with her. No one has the right to physically abuse someone. She won't change. I wish you well.

[Mack05]

John unless this women is willing to go to counselling and stay there as long as a professional recommends, then it's impossible to be in a healthy, nourishing relationship with this person. Her promises are empty promises. They mean absolutely nothing, just words. Unless she gets treatment, you will both stay in the same vicious toxic destructive cycle (No matter how many promises she makes or how good her intentions are).

 

I would be insist she go through this process. If she is not willing to go through this, then you have to leave go and cut the chord completely. Indeed until she finishes therapy, I would recommend you stay NC. If you stay together during therapy, it's not what's best for her and she won't be 100% honest with her therapist. The thing is John, many people go to Therapy and it's pointless. Unless you are self aware as to what causes these outbursts and you have a determination and willingness to change, then Therapy is a pointless excercise.

 

Thread with care

Edited August 12, 2011 by Mack05

[somedude81]

It sounds like this woman should be arrested.

 

Just because she is a woman does not make it OK.

 

John, why did you put up with it for so long?

[sm1tten]

Definitely should have gotten out before it escalated to this point. Very sad, indeed, but it sounds like you have your head on straight now.

[john30]

Thanks for your replies.

 

I agree with everything said. She has promised on 4 or 5 occasions that she wont do it again but has. Like you say Mack, empty promises. I no longer trust anything she says. I know I was slow at getting rid of her, but I thought maybe it could be fixed, but in reality it's got worse and I still dont feel she accepts responsibility for her actions.

 

If I try to reason things with her, and stand my corner, she just accuses me of being horrible and insensitive and immature.

 

The only thing I see if I stay with her, is me trying to cope with a barrage of emotional abuse and treading on eggshells trying not to upset her.

 

The long term problem is, I get increasingly angry as time goes on and I know one day it's going to end with me being pushed over the edge which will either result in me ending up in prison labelled a woman beater or, if I'm not fast enough on the draw a knife sticking in me.

 

I reckon she'll already do a good enough job of tarnishing my image to her friends, even though I have only ever cared for her and tried to help her. Even her dad agrees with me so that says something.

 

I know I've done the right thing, just need to watch my back now.

 

Thanks.

[Mack05]

Oh yes, The good old 'smear' campaign, had that done to me too. Just keep the head down John and ignore any personal attack. Rise above it and prove you are the bigger, better person. It's only the emotionally unhealthy, spiteful, vindictive people that launch personal attacks or smear you. Don't sink to her pathetic level.

[quankanne]

She says she'll change and that she'd do anything to make it work and says she has problems but still tries to pass some of the blame for her violence onto me. She said she'll get counseling but has changed her mind now. She says I should understand and help her and that I dont have any backbone if I quit, plus lots of other head pecking crap.

 

those comments right there tell me she's not ready to change, that the relationship is solely about her, not y'all ... I imagine it's rough trying to reconcile the good memories you have with the abusive behavior, but instances like this, you've GOT to put your safety and well-being first. Love her, just don't be with her or give her access to hurting you again.

 

that type of person will do their best to scream and holler loudly about what the other person has done as part of their cultivating others' pity and sorrow, and therefore hiding THEIR role ... hopefully, your true friends will see through this or at least be skeptical about what she's saying about you because those things don't match what they know of you themselves.

 

be strong, and always remember, no one deserves to be abused even when the abuser claims to love them. Love heals, not hurts!

[Chi townD]

GOOD FOR YOU!!! I did the same thing with my abusive relationship. As soon as it got REALLY violent from her, I was gone and I never looked back. Never heard from her again and I never want to.

[john30]

Yeah. I agree. There's no way she's ready to change. It's bloody heartbreaking when somebody you love keeps hitting you like that. Just a case of keeping my head down and crawling out the hole I've put myself in.

 

Thanks

[john30]

Before we broke up she went to the doctors to get a referral to see a counsellor. She has now told me (in one of her outbursts) that she never went to the doctors and it felt good to lie to me. Later that day, she tried to justify her lies by saying it was a test to see how committed I was at making things work, and that if I'd been strong enough to make it work she would have gotten help. Basically blaming me for her lies.

 

Dont think I need to say anymore. It only confirms that I did the right thing.

[Woggle]

Be glad you got out.

[TheDovic]

See if she'll attend relationship counselling. I'm a social worker and know it's tough for abusers to change, although when they're motivated and willing to seek help it's possible via counselling.

 

Good luck, ps will you have a look at my post entitled "she stopped texting" thanks