MissBee Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Putting an end to an affair they were having? I thought about this as I was reading some previous posts which brought up the idea that LS can be responsible for planting seeds of doubt in an OW/OM's head, making them put a stop to a perfectly good relationship/A. So I began to wonder about this. I know of many people who have regretted being in an A, likewise those who found it to be a good thing for them and they don't regret it happening, but can't recall hearing about anyone who ended an A, upon advice of friends, family or LS, and then lived to regret that decision. I would love to hear people's thoughts on this, especially from anyone who has ended an A and has come to regret it or realize that that was not a good decision for them.
Silly_Girl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Not on the advice of anyone else. But I was only 'approved of' and welcome here by the vocal contingent when I was following the righteous path; NC, understanding the error of my ways, re-writing things to make him look bad.
eleanor01 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Not on the advice of anyone else. But I was only 'approved of' and welcome here by the vocal contingent when I was following the righteous path; NC, understanding the error of my ways, re-writing things to make him look bad. LOL! *wiping away the tears rolling down my face* Silly Girl, that's about the funniest thing I've read in quite some time. Thanks for it, Ellie
Author MissBee Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Not on the advice of anyone else. But I was only 'approved of' and welcome here by the vocal contingent when I was following the righteous path; NC, understanding the error of my ways, re-writing things to make him look bad. Interesting, so did you rewrite things to make him look bad, of your own accord, or did people on LS plant those seeds of doubt in your head to make you view him differently?
woinlove Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Not on the advice of anyone else. But I was only 'approved of' and welcome here by the vocal contingent when I was following the righteous path; NC, understanding the error of my ways, re-writing things to make him look bad. Vocal contingent? How many people have more than 2700 posts? Who wants approval from anonymous internet posters? But I like that re-writing things to make MM look bad part.
Silly_Girl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Interesting, so did you rewrite things to make him look bad, of your own accord, or did people on LS plant those seeds of doubt in your head to make you view him differently? I'm not really in to the re-writing thing. I can see how it's helpful. I watch friends turn on the memories of a good relationship (I mean a relationship they were previously happy in) in order to reduce the feelings of pain/loss/rejection. I think I started down that route then stopped. I still loved him, had faith in him as a person, didn't hate him. But things that had happened were parcelled up by posters and put in to the box of 'oh! That's classic MM behaviour', or 'yep, cake-eaters do that every time'. When actually we were two people who had kicked up a right mess for ourselves, loved each other deeply and were trying to do what was best, for everyone, overall. I felt encouraged to dismiss aspects of the relationship and write him off. I received PM's from people, not people I would have expected, saying they felt for me and they hoped things worked out for he and I, and that they felt this was NOT the 'usual' and they hoped I'd be okay either way. In particular a couple of really decent, respected, long-term posters. Those posters didn't say those things openly on my threads. I never challenged them on the reasons for that. I did start to question some things, I know I did, but I took some time, started counselling and got back in touch with myself and did what I personally felt was right. Hope that answers your Q.
woinlove Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I'm not really in to the re-writing thing. I can see how it's helpful. I watch friends turn on the memories of a good relationship (I mean a relationship they were previously happy in) in order to reduce the feelings of pain/loss/rejection. That's one thing that can happen. Another possibility is that one takes off blinders that helped reinforce positive feelings in the R and sees the former partner in a more realistic light.
Silly_Girl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 That's one thing that can happen. Another possibility is that one takes off blinders that helped reinforce positive feelings in the R and sees the former partner in a more realistic light. I'm not sure why it takes breaking up to do that.
Spark1111 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Not on the advice of anyone else. But I was only 'approved of' and welcome here by the vocal contingent when I was following the righteous path; NC, understanding the error of my ways, re-writing things to make him look bad. Silly Girl, correct me if I am wrong, but didn't you go NC with your MM for awhile? Did he not file for divorce and is intending to make a future with you now? If yes, then it means two things: The advice forced and action, and You may be one of the very fortunate ones in that this is truly a rare exit affair. Isn't that all to your best interests?
woinlove Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I'm not sure why it takes breaking up to do that. As they say "love is blind" ... feelings of lust, infatuation, in love, and even love and security, can be feelings that one wants to reinforce rather than examine. It works both ways, people can ignore or underplay negatives as well as positives, depending on their temperament and circumstance.
Gentlegirl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 One moment in time... was going to meet xmm for the first time. I got off the train for a moment because I doubted what I was doing. My gut was telling me not to go. Then I got back on the train because we didn't have each other's phone numbers. I didn't want to leave him stranded at our appointed destination. I wish for many reasons now that I had got back on the train home that day. However, I met him and almost 3 years later he had trampled all over my life and my heart and walked away. Ok I stayed with him a long time and allowed him to do what he did. Just saying if I could pinpoint one moment in time that would be it... should have gone back onto the train Lots of "If only" moments life I suppose. Gentlegirl
Silly_Girl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Silly Girl, correct me if I am wrong, but didn't you go NC with your MM for awhile? Did he not file for divorce and is intending to make a future with you now? If yes, then it means two things: The advice forced and action, and You may be one of the very fortunate ones in that this is truly a rare exit affair. Isn't that all to your best interests? Those things came after the period of NC. But I went back to him with zero guarantees and a lot of opinions from here that it had zero chance. I'm not trying to be difficult Spark, just not sure whether there's a point being made and I'm not seeing it.
Silly_Girl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 As they say "love is blind" ... feelings of lust, infatuation, in love, and even love and security, can be feelings that one wants to reinforce rather than examine. It works both ways, people can ignore or underplay negatives as well as positives, depending on their temperament and circumstance. Yep, I guess it depends where you're sitting on the day. They also say 'familiarity breeds contempt' so you'd think most of us would be aware we're with a loser, irrespective of whether we feel inclined to dump that loser Incidentally, I'm well aware the synopsis I gave above was wholly skewed. It's my view, of an emotional time, and I'm recalling it over a year later.
jthorne Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Yep, I guess it depends where you're sitting on the day. They also say 'familiarity breeds contempt' so you'd think most of us would be aware we're with a loser, irrespective of whether we feel inclined to dump that loser Incidentally, I'm well aware the synopsis I gave above was wholly skewed. It's my view, of an emotional time, and I'm recalling it over a year later. If you are so unhappy here and so displeased with the advice you've received, why continue to post? To answer your question, MissBee, most AP that have regret for stopping the A simply resume it, don't they? SG seems to be an example of that.
Silly_Girl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 If you are so unhappy here and so displeased with the advice you've received, why continue to post? JT, where did I say.... Oh no wait! I didn't.
jthorne Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 JT, where did I say.... Oh no wait! I didn't. Your attitude says otherwise.
jj33 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Putting an end to an affair they were having? I thought about this as I was reading some previous posts which brought up the idea that LS can be responsible for planting seeds of doubt in an OW/OM's head, making them put a stop to a perfectly good relationship/A. So I began to wonder about this. I know of many people who have regretted being in an A, likewise those who found it to be a good thing for them and they don't regret it happening, but can't recall hearing about anyone who ended an A, upon advice of friends, family or LS, and then lived to regret that decision. I would love to hear people's thoughts on this, especially from anyone who has ended an A and has come to regret it or realize that that was not a good decision for them. Wow does anyone actually end an A based on what others think? I doubt it. Its such a taboo thing in society generally that if you cross the line its because you dont really give a fig what others think you are living by your own code or you were duped or you are really naive. For those in it eyes wide open by choice I cant believe that you would stop just because of what someone else said. I know I didnt care what anyone else thought about it didnt really ask anyones opinion. Didnt care to discuss it with people who I thought would object.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 That is the thing that gets me every time I post on this forum! The "vocal contigent" on the OM/OW forum are NOT men and women currently involved with a committed partner; they are scorned, bitter, angry, defensive, condescending, antagonistic BSs and fOW who share an agenda of being the moral regulators of other people's relationships. Anyone in an A trying to gain insight on this forum must be very careful which ideas they will consider and which they must reject. I only continue to read and participate here because there are some posters who are able to articulate their thoughts with kindness and respect, even through points of disagreement. It's the irony that gets me!
Spark1111 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Miss Bee.... Do we have a large contingent of posters who willingly ended the affair?
Author MissBee Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 I'm not really in to the re-writing thing. I can see how it's helpful. I watch friends turn on the memories of a good relationship (I mean a relationship they were previously happy in) in order to reduce the feelings of pain/loss/rejection. I think I started down that route then stopped. I still loved him, had faith in him as a person, didn't hate him. But things that had happened were parcelled up by posters and put in to the box of 'oh! That's classic MM behaviour', or 'yep, cake-eaters do that every time'. When actually we were two people who had kicked up a right mess for ourselves, loved each other deeply and were trying to do what was best, for everyone, overall. I felt encouraged to dismiss aspects of the relationship and write him off. I received PM's from people, not people I would have expected, saying they felt for me and they hoped things worked out for he and I, and that they felt this was NOT the 'usual' and they hoped I'd be okay either way. In particular a couple of really decent, respected, long-term posters. Those posters didn't say those things openly on my threads. I never challenged them on the reasons for that. I did start to question some things, I know I did, but I took some time, started counselling and got back in touch with myself and did what I personally felt was right. Hope that answers your Q. Thanks for responding! What I am gathering is that you chose to go NC, you didn't rewrite etc, because of your own feelings and not necessarily because LS members convinced you you should? I think it's fair to say, based on the original question, that no, you have not put an end to an affair (on advice of LS, family or firends) and have lived to regret that decision. As to rewriting...that should be an entire new topic. I think I'll create a new topic about that, because I find it fascinating and I see it going in both ways.
Author MissBee Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 If you are so unhappy here and so displeased with the advice you've received, why continue to post? To answer your question, MissBee, most AP that have regret for stopping the A simply resume it, don't they? SG seems to be an example of that. Interesting that you say that. In creating the topic, I was particularly interested in the experiences of those who ended the A, never resumed it and now in hindsight felt like it was in fact not a good choice.
silktricks Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 To answer your question, MissBee, most AP that have regret for stopping the A simply resume it, don't they? SG seems to be an example of that. That's assuming continued availability after the regret hit - surely that wouldn't always be the case.
Author MissBee Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 (edited) Miss Bee.... Do we have a large contingent of posters who willingly ended the affair? Well it depends on what willingly means lol. Ending any relationship, whether it's good or bad, sustainable or unsustainable, is usually hard, so I don't think most run towards it with gusto.But from what I've seen, as well as what I know of life, no one can make someone end an affair they don't want to end. It has been brought to the fore though that LS can be responsible for planting "seeds of doubt", essentially making someone end their A, when it may have been great. I don't think I buy this. I do think it is possible for one to begin questioning certain things because of what they see on LS...but I see that as ONLY a positive thing. I also think that a lot of newbies lurk before posting and can see the type of board LS is. It's a critical one. One that forces thinking as well as, yes, you have the criticizers. It's not really one that is skewed towards out and out supporting those planning to stay in an affair, although there is some of that, but generally the overall sentiment isn't like that, so if one chooses LS to seek advice, it's usually when one has one's own doubts and concerns or has discomfort, which usually alerts you that things need to be altered or you're prepared to engage critically. I believe that if anyone can influence someone to end an A, that they don't want to end, it's less likely to be anonymous people on an internet forum, but more likely pressure and judgment from family, friends, colleagues IRL, as you can't escape that! To the contrary, you can very well log off LS at any point and never return and it's overall low pressure and easy to ignore if one wants to ignore it. LS members aren't the people you go to lunch with, the ones you look in the eye, they don't ring your phone and cast aspersions, whisper about you to friends, make sly remarks while you're shopping with them at the mall and all such things that would bombard your daily life, and be very bothersome, so I think they pull very little weight in terms of having that much influence to make you do something you don't want to do. The matter reminds me of the argument I have about very religious people who seem scared of engaging any other viewpoints or discussion about their beliefs. I find that you have those who are confident in what they believe and can engage other viewpoints and even debates, but at the end of the day, it doesn't shake what they know to be true. Then there are those that shun it at all cost, or cannot engage any other points critically. I feel like such folks' "faith" is a house of cards that can be blown over at anytime, therefore they're scared to even consider anything else, as they're afraid it will rock the shaky foundation they've built. They may not be aware consciously, but that visceral reaction says something. The difference between the two groups is that one was already sure, therefore very unlikely to be "influenced" or even consider an argument as an attempt to influence and the other was never that sure to begin with and therefore will more likely feel like others are trying to influence them and will more likely avoid to maintain the status quo or engage and begin to question things they were never sure of in the first place. In the latter case, I think that's great. I think only positive can come from that and after questioning, you can either chart a new course, or find out why you believe as you do and firm up your foundation. Edited August 12, 2011 by MissBee
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