Summer Breeze Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I absolutely agree you need to go with your gut. I will also say one other thing. Don't let him go unless you're sure. Make sure you've seen it to the end that you want. If you want to see if he's for real then you put him through his paces. Call his solicitors and call his wife. Tell him to stop the gifts and leave you alone while you sort your mind out or you'll cut him off and leave him in the dust. Many BS take back someone who has committed the ultimate betrayal and they make it to a good place. If that sort of repair can be done then I would hate to see you leave it without at least exploring what could be done for your R. More than anything guard your heart and take control of the R. He wants it more than you do now so use that power and see what he's made of. I know this won't be the popular answer but make sure you're happy with whatever ending you give it.
woinlove Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I absolutely agree you need to go with your gut. I will also say one other thing. Don't let him go unless you're sure. Make sure you've seen it to the end that you want. If you want to see if he's for real then you put him through his paces. Call his solicitors and call his wife. Tell him to stop the gifts and leave you alone while you sort your mind out or you'll cut him off and leave him in the dust. Many BS take back someone who has committed the ultimate betrayal and they make it to a good place. If that sort of repair can be done then I would hate to see you leave it without at least exploring what could be done for your R. More than anything guard your heart and take control of the R. He wants it more than you do now so use that power and see what he's made of. I know this won't be the popular answer but make sure you're happy with whatever ending you give it. I'm not sure the example of reconciling a M and giving a new R that starts out with significant lying are very similar. The only successful stories of reconciliation I have heard from were when the couple had a happy M previously, with some previous time of more honest and loving behavior. I haven't heard of any successful example where the dishonesty started near the beginning, but then changed. Maybe someone will give a counterexample though. Also, assuming he is sending the gifts, I find that to be rude. He said he would respect NC, but sending gifts is not respecting NC just because he sends them anonymously. The anonymous part makes it worse - seems like another lie on his part. Anyway, Seraph, you need to do what you need to do and I understand you developed strong feelings for this man before you learned the truth and those are never easy to put aside. Just seems he is still behaving badly. I get the sense that you know that.
Author Seraph1 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Also, assuming he is sending the gifts, I find that to be rude. He said he would respect NC, but sending gifts is not respecting NC just because he sends them anonymously. The anonymous part makes it worse - seems like another lie on his part. I am just tired of the whole thing. Another bunch of flowers waiting for me when I got into work. Since they could only have been hand-delivered I don't think there is any doubt he is the anonymous gift giver. He isn't respecting my request for NC and it is stiring up old feelings which is making me angry. Thank you for all your support and kind words. Yes... I do care about him but I don't trust him. I feel guilt over starting a relationship with him even though he LIED to me! How screwed up is that?! I'm just trying to clear my head and I think I may need to write him a strongly worded email outlining exactly what I need right now and demanding it. Time to actively enforce boundaries I think.
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 He told me that he would respect my wishes for NC and he knew that I would be in touch when I was ready (as in NEVER as far as I was concerned). Now the gifts have started. No notes... just 3 different bunches of flowers at work and 1 giftbasket from my favourite deli this week. One each day. I could be barking up the wrong tree in thinking that these gifts are coming from the exMM but they were my favourite flowers and only he knew my favourite foods from my favourite deli. I am casually dating one man that I met a couple weeks ago and when I got the first bunch of flowers I sent him a 'thank you for the flowers' he replied: I sent no flowers but hint taken! I hope that you like roses. I have recieved no roses at work but when I saw him for a date last night my new guy gave me a bunch of roses. But the gifts have kept arriving at work! There is no special occasion for me any time soon. No birthday, no promotion, no special anniversary etc. I do not understand. It's quite embarrassing since the people at work are deeply curious about who is sending these 'gifts' and I have no answer for them. I generally do not much care what people think but this IS my professional life and I dislike this 'game playing'. Perhaps I am over-reacting but I'm actually ANGRY about this. I refuse to break NC to see if it is HIM sending me these things but I am unsettled that it may continue if I don't ask him to stop. Next time you get a gift, refuse it and tell the courier or delivery guy to take the stuff back and return to the sender, that you do not want it. Or, why not drop the flowers off to an old age home? A cancer ward, or a childrens hospital, so someone else can enjoy the flowers. Food you can drop off at a shelter. DO NOT break NC. As irritating as this is, the more you ignore, the sooner he'll stop. it's him, you know it so don't react!
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