Seraph1 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I have lurked on LS for a while to listen to all the advice and see the stories that all of you have lived. All of you are so brave and never deserved the hell that you were put through. I decided it was time to add my voice to the mix. I was the OW. I didn't know it and I didn't suspect a thing when we first met and started to see each other. We took things very slow and let them develop between us naturally. Why did we take things slow? Because that is the way I am and he was very respectful of my boundaries...or so I believed. He told me he was single. All the people at work believed he was single. All his friends believed he was single! Turns out that he is married and has a wife living in the UK. I found out when my Ex bf announced that I was dating a married man. I didn't believe him...but my current bf/MM took me aside and told me that it was true. He said all those typical things about how the marriage was on the rocks, they didn't love each other anymore, he had wanted to tell me for so long but didn't know how since he had lied and he didn't want to lose me. He kept repeating how he knew that I would never have gone out with him if I'd known he was married and he couldn't take the risk of me finding someone else while he took the time to end his marriage. He told me he knew it was wrong and that it was a relief to be able to finally tell me and that we could work together towards a future with no secrets. I was devastated. I didn't trust him....not for a second. Maybe I overthought things but I couldn't get past the lies. I loved him. It almost broke me to tell him good bye but I did it. I told him to never contact me again because I believed that breaking up was the best thing for us both. I went into strict NC. I lived my life and suffered through the heartbreak and wondering 'why all the lies?'. And yesterday he approaches me at work. I have blocked all his other avenues of communication with me. He hands me divorce papers and asks if he can talk to me at some point in my own time. I do not know what to do. I do still love him but I spent MONTHS getting over this relationship and letting go. It was the hardest thing that I had ever done and I have no way of knowing if this is for real or just another lie. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Thank you.
Tayla Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 My sympathies for your being lied to , sends a real message to heart.... Anyhoodles, if it means anything....let the ink dry on those divorce papers and continue looking towards the future. Do not allow this man to simply use a piece of paper to weasal his way back in. The heart and the head are not in sync right now....Use your head...it will save your heart from heartache. In due time ( a minimum) of one year, til he gets his "single" lifestyle together, can he really manage to be the decent boyfriend. I treat a newly divorced man as toxic at least for the first year. THey have sooo very much to toss out and move on. (No offense to the guys who are enduring a separation and new divorce) just something I have seen and witnessed from the sidelines of life.
Silly_Girl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 How long were you NC for? You know, men find this stuff hard. In my experience they think more (than women) about how they'll be perceived. Maybe - MAYBE - if it was genuinely over for a long time he felt it was a non-factor and it became harder and harder to 'fess up. Even though he should have done. In your shoes I couldn't decide how I felt without understanding the context better. But you may feel you've seen and heard enough and that you don't want/need to hear anything further.
EmeraldCityGirl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Good for you for maintaining your principles in the face of your MM's lies. I wish I would have been strong enought to do the same. It does seem that he feels something pretty powerful for you, and the fact that he's actually filed for a divorce speaks volumes, IMO. I agree that recently divorced folks (male and female) need some time to get over the failure of their marriage before jumping into another relationship, though. Perhaps after six months or so have passed (assuming his divorce is finalized), you two can start dating again?
fooled once Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 The fact that he willingly lied to you for months is still there. Do not let him back in, divorce or not. He is a proven liar. He needs counseling. Had your ex not told you the truth, would you still be in the dark? My bet is yes. When someone shows you who they are, like a liar, believe them.
Silly_Girl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 The fact that he willingly lied to you for months is still there. Do not let him back in, divorce or not. He is a proven liar. He needs counseling. Had your ex not told you the truth, would you still be in the dark? My bet is yes. When someone shows you who they are, like a liar, believe them. But when someone shows they're committed to you and will make enormous changes to show they want to be with you... ignore them.
Author Seraph1 Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Thank you everyone for your comments. I really do appreciate it. I've spent a lot of time wondering 'why?' and hurting over this relationship. I never expected him to come back, much less claiming to be free. I didn't ask it of him and I while I may have entertained hopes of a 'fairytale ending' I let go of them some time ago. How long were you NC for? You know, men find this stuff hard. In my experience they think more (than women) about how they'll be perceived. Maybe - MAYBE - if it was genuinely over for a long time he felt it was a non-factor and it became harder and harder to 'fess up. Even though he should have done. In your shoes I couldn't decide how I felt without understanding the context better. But you may feel you've seen and heard enough and that you don't want/need to hear anything further. Silly Girl... the relationship was 10 months long and we didn't sleep together until about 8-9 months in. Strict NC has been in place for 7 months. I blocked him on my phone, email...EVERYTHING. It was very hard to say good bye but I didn't feel I had a choice. I was up and down like a yo yo and I felt betrayed. I also hated that he had a wife somewhere that I was hurting even though she didn't know it! I do not know if the divorce papers are real or just another lie. I am very confused since I NEVER expected him to come back and I told him not to. I have seen the stories that are posted in LS and I know that A rarely end up working for the OW... and I still have trouble believing that I was the OW! I really was lied to by someone that managed to keep their marriage a secret from his friends, work colleagues and me. It makes me question how many more lies he told me and how much I could ever trust him. Gosh... I keep coming back to trust issues. Seems like that is something that I need to work on!
dreamingoftigers Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Keep those walls up and do not let him back in. My H changed his world upside down to be with me at first. Then the conquest got old and now all that is left is a worn out sex-addict drunk. If you can't trust him now and you couldn't trust him for 10 months, paper isn't going to change that.
whichwayisup Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 You have trust issues with him. You've worked real hard in the past x amount of months to grieve the loss and get your life back to normal. Now, he shows you divorce papers.. Are they real? Are they fake? Is he full of crap? Do a site search on a poster called imstunned. Her MM (she thought he was single) lied to her, not only with the marriage thing, but made it seem he like DIED in a skiing accident or something.. It was a sick situation.. He was seriously twisted and a sick man.. BB is another to read her story..i see she's posted to you, so please, take her past pain into consideration. You didn't invest years into him, less than a year. You found out he knowingly lied and played you. Malciously or selfishly, it doesn't matter, he led you on, watched you fall for him, broke your heart! You may still love him but with that much manipulation, is it worth giving him another chance? Wouldn't it be easier in the long run to start fresh? Heal completely from this painful experience and find someone who didn't screw you over for almost a year? Do your friends and family know? Would they support you and accept him, knowing what he did to you, how he lied and led you on? That is, if you choose to take him back. The choice is yours but I really hope you tell him to F OFF and leave you alone.
Author Seraph1 Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 The choice is yours but I really hope you tell him to F OFF and leave you alone. You will be pleased to know that this is the way that I am leaning. I have walked away once before when my heart was smooshed into the carpet and I don't feel like giving him the opportunity to do that to me again! No thank you! No encore performances! He left a note on my desk... "Yes, they are real. You may contact my solicitors to confirm. (He left a business card with their details). I would like to talk to you and I hope that you are willing to listen to what I have to say. I know that you don't trust me and you have every right to be suspicious. I only hope that you will contact me when you are ready and that we can see if we can move past this mess of mine. You're very special to me Seraph." Yep...I see manipulation and guilt. I see lies and betrayal. I am worth more than that.
whichwayisup Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Reguardless of you in his life or not, he should be divorcing because he doesn't love his wife and doesn't want to be married anymore. He should be okay alone. Right? Glad to hear you're leaning towards the F-OFF! You can do this! You deserve better..So much better.. Keep posting and venting.
learnpfenosym Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 ?????? ?????? very nice - thanks ????? ??????? | ????? ????? | ?????? ?????? | ????? ?????
half_ofa_heart Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 You will be pleased to know that this is the way that I am leaning. I have walked away once before when my heart was smooshed into the carpet and I don't feel like giving him the opportunity to do that to me again! No thank you! No encore performances! He left a note on my desk... "Yes, they are real. You may contact my solicitors to confirm. (He left a business card with their details). I would like to talk to you and I hope that you are willing to listen to what I have to say. I know that you don't trust me and you have every right to be suspicious. I only hope that you will contact me when you are ready and that we can see if we can move past this mess of mine. You're very special to me Seraph." Yep...I see manipulation and guilt. I see lies and betrayal. I am worth more than that. Wow Seraph... your strength inspires me!
MissBee Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 (edited) My sympathies for your being lied to , sends a real message to heart.... Anyhoodles, if it means anything....let the ink dry on those divorce papers and continue looking towards the future. Do not allow this man to simply use a piece of paper to weasal his way back in. The heart and the head are not in sync right now....Use your head...it will save your heart from heartache. In due time ( a minimum) of one year, til he gets his "single" lifestyle together, can he really manage to be the decent boyfriend. I treat a newly divorced man as toxic at least for the first year. THey have sooo very much to toss out and move on. (No offense to the guys who are enduring a separation and new divorce) just something I have seen and witnessed from the sidelines of life. I agree with the bolded. I also understand the fear of having months of progress and being scared to let your walls down and have your progress be for naught, if you give this person a chance and it turns into what you feared. From my experience with my ex who always had lofty proclamations and seemingly penitent statements to utter after messing up and being out of my life for months, I'd figure, it's been X long, maybe he learned, maybe he's changed, but alas, he didn't and I ended up feeling badly for allowing him back in and having to "start over" when he disappointed me. This may or may not be the case with him, but I just wanted to point out understanding that fear and how it played out for me. I say you should continue living your life, listen to your gut and be very observant Seraph. You do seem to be a woman with great boundaries, who can instantly decide something isn't to her liking and opt out at once, I applaud you because Lord knows I am usually the type to saunter, causing more damage. You also are smart by being the type to take things slow before giving your heart and body to a man, that's a good trait to have. I think that you should again, trust your gut, and trust that if he is being truthful, you can still take your time in allowing him back in. If he agrees to wait for you to make up your mind and not pester you, then you can try again on terms that cater to you feeling trustful of him. He knows he is the one who messed up and if he is serious about you he will have no problems allowing you space, time and stipulations in order to win back your trust. Edited August 12, 2011 by MissBee
Gentlegirl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Your gut is telling you that you have doubts. He has shown you a BIG RED FLAG by kying before! Stop him in his tracks. Don't engage in any dialogue with him because it justs gives him more opportunity wheedle his way back into your heart. You don't owe him a reply to his note. I think he has a cheek to come back to you and just expect to be taken back because he has a piece of paper in his hand. He appears to be a man who feels very entitled to get what he wants. He felt entitled to play with you when he was married and now he feels entitled to get back with you. Always trust that inner voice. I like to think it's my guardian angel talking to me. It really never fails. You've been strong before, you can do it again. Gentlegirl
MissBee Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Your gut is telling you that you have doubts. He has shown you a BIG RED FLAG by kying before! Stop him in his tracks. Don't engage in any dialogue with him because it justs gives him more opportunity wheedle his way back into your heart. You don't owe him a reply to his note. I think he has a cheek to come back to you and just expect to be taken back because he has a piece of paper in his hand. He appears to be a man who feels very entitled to get what he wants. He felt entitled to play with you when he was married and now he feels entitled to get back with you. Always trust that inner voice. I like to think it's my guardian angel talking to me. It really never fails. You've been strong before, you can do it again. Gentlegirl I feel the same...I think of it as my guides or my higher self It's never wrong.
Author Seraph1 Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Your gut is telling you that you have doubts. He has shown you a BIG RED FLAG by kying before! Stop him in his tracks. Don't engage in any dialogue with him because it justs gives him more opportunity wheedle his way back into your heart. You don't owe him a reply to his note. I think he has a cheek to come back to you and just expect to be taken back because he has a piece of paper in his hand. He appears to be a man who feels very entitled to get what he wants. He felt entitled to play with you when he was married and now he feels entitled to get back with you. Gentlegirl You are so right! My gut is telling me that even though the emotions are still there... there is no trust!! How can you build ANY future without something so fundamental?! I did walk away once before... well, drag my pitiful self away whimpering all the while... and I know that I can do it again. You're also right about him feeling like he can just walk back into my life and expect me to still be there waiting! Who does he think he is?! I HAVE NOT been waiting for him! I've been living my life and I have been going out with friends, taking up new hobbies and DATING! Now I'm starting to get angry at him for disrespecting my wish that he never contact me again... watch me RAGE!
Gentlegirl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 You are so right! My gut is telling me that even though the emotions are still there... there is no trust!! How can you build ANY future without something so fundamental?! I did walk away once before... well, drag my pitiful self away whimpering all the while... and I know that I can do it again. You're also right about him feeling like he can just walk back into my life and expect me to still be there waiting! Who does he think he is?! I HAVE NOT been waiting for him! I've been living my life and I have been going out with friends, taking up new hobbies and DATING! Now I'm starting to get angry at him for disrespecting my wish that he never contact me again... watch me RAGE! I dragged myself away whimpering also! We have both done it. Never would I want to go back and live like I was before. I'll bet you don't really want to go back either. Actually, you HAVEN'T gone back to him. Don't deviate from your pathway. Keep going straight ahead. Gentlegirl
woinlove Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 You are so right! My gut is telling me that even though the emotions are still there... there is no trust!! How can you build ANY future without something so fundamental?! I did walk away once before... well, drag my pitiful self away whimpering all the while... and I know that I can do it again. You're also right about him feeling like he can just walk back into my life and expect me to still be there waiting! Who does he think he is?! I HAVE NOT been waiting for him! I've been living my life and I have been going out with friends, taking up new hobbies and DATING! Now I'm starting to get angry at him for disrespecting my wish that he never contact me again... watch me RAGE! Good for you! I like the fact that you respect yourself, trust your instincts and don't excuse such extended deception. You deserve a really great man who you can trust. I hope for your sake that xMM isn't going to continue in a relentless pursuit mode - which I also think follows from a sense of entitlement and not from love, since it demonstrates a lack of respect for your feelings. It seems to be fairly common behavior among MM - I experienced it myself and didn't see it for what it was.
fooled once Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Thank you everyone for your comments. I really do appreciate it. I've spent a lot of time wondering 'why?' and hurting over this relationship. I never expected him to come back, much less claiming to be free. I didn't ask it of him and I while I may have entertained hopes of a 'fairytale ending' I let go of them some time ago. I do not know if the divorce papers are real or just another lie. I am very confused since I NEVER expected him to come back and I told him not to. I have seen the stories that are posted in LS and I know that A rarely end up working for the OW... and I still have trouble believing that I was the OW! I really was lied to by someone that managed to keep their marriage a secret from his friends, work colleagues and me. It makes me question how many more lies he told me and how much I could ever trust him. Gosh... I keep coming back to trust issues. Seems like that is something that I need to work on! Yep, it keeps coming back to trust and you cannot - CAN NOT - have a stable, healthy relationship without trust. Doesn't mean you don't care for him, but you cannot have a future without trust. Like you said, he willingly lied to you and several people. WHO does that about something THIS big??? Not decent people. You will be pleased to know that this is the way that I am leaning. I have walked away once before when my heart was smooshed into the carpet and I don't feel like giving him the opportunity to do that to me again! No thank you! No encore performances! He left a note on my desk... "Yes, they are real. You may contact my solicitors to confirm. (He left a business card with their details). I would like to talk to you and I hope that you are willing to listen to what I have to say. I know that you don't trust me and you have every right to be suspicious. I only hope that you will contact me when you are ready and that we can see if we can move past this mess of mine. You're very special to me Seraph." Yep...I see manipulation and guilt. I see lies and betrayal. I am worth more than that. Yep, manipulation and guilt. Please do not buy into it. Let him divorce. Let him move on. IF it was meant to be, down the road, as time as built up from the finality of the divorce and him learning about himself, if he still comes around, MAYBE then think of hearing him. But honestly, the fact that he lied to your face many times proves he cannot be trusted. And if does divorce, that's great. FOR HIM. Doesn't mean it is great for you. Never be someone who another divorces for. People should divorce for themselves, not for someone else. You are so right! My gut is telling me that even though the emotions are still there... there is no trust!! How can you build ANY future without something so fundamental?! I did walk away once before... well, drag my pitiful self away whimpering all the while... and I know that I can do it again. You're also right about him feeling like he can just walk back into my life and expect me to still be there waiting! Who does he think he is?! I HAVE NOT been waiting for him! I've been living my life and I have been going out with friends, taking up new hobbies and DATING! Now I'm starting to get angry at him for disrespecting my wish that he never contact me again... watch me RAGE! Keep living life. Keep enjoying your friends and dating. Keep focusing on YOU and be treated like a queen!! YOU DESERVE IT!!!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Ask him if he minds if you phone his wife (x?). Tell her that he has asked you out and you wanted to confirm that he was available. Ask her if there is anything you should know about him. He took away your choice when he lied to you. I wouldn't want a R with someone who put there own desires over my personal boundaries.
Woman In Blue Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Honestly Seraph, it doesn't matter whether his divorce papers are real or not. What matters is that he didn't RESPECT you enough in the beginning to be honest with you. Each and every day, he willfully and maliciously LIED TO YOUR FACE - knowing full well you were going to be devastated when you learned the truth - and he did it, ANYWAY. For THAT, I could never forgive ANYONE.
Author Seraph1 Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 What matters is that he didn't RESPECT you enough in the beginning to be honest with you. Each and every day, he willfully and maliciously LIED TO YOUR FACE - knowing full well you were going to be devastated when you learned the truth - and he did it, ANYWAY. For THAT, I could never forgive ANYONE. This is actually something that I really struggled with in the beginning of my NC journey. That someone I loved, admired and deeply respected...really had such little regard, care and respect for me. I was so completely 'used and abused' that it was so hard to accept that a 10 month relationship was just a BIG lie. But I did forgive him for it. There was no point in adding hate to the mix of confusion and pain I felt. I don't know why he did what he did and I made the choice not to try to work it out of rationalise it. Just before I found out and left him he had started to ask me if I would be happy with making our relationship permanent...and having children with me and growing old together! Wow! Then to find out that he wasn't even free to be asking these things of me!! The lies... I mean, what sort of man does this?! Not the sort of man that I should be with. He is minding his manners now and giving me my space. I told him, "Don't call me...I'll call you". Thanks for your support everyone! It's been great to have my opinion of this man confirmed! I do still care about him...once you love them it doesn't just stop... but I care about myself and my happy future a lot more! Yay me!
whichwayisup Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Love and care about him from a far. If you ever decide to take him back, I strongly believe he will cheat on you with someone else and lie to them like he's lied to you. There is something really wrong with him. Normal thinking people don't do what he did. Sociopathic behaviour is what comes to mind and a very manipulative person as well, he has masked himself well and behind that mask is someone who truly isn't who he appears to be.
Author Seraph1 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 He told me that he would respect my wishes for NC and he knew that I would be in touch when I was ready (as in NEVER as far as I was concerned). Now the gifts have started. No notes... just 3 different bunches of flowers at work and 1 giftbasket from my favourite deli this week. One each day. I could be barking up the wrong tree in thinking that these gifts are coming from the exMM but they were my favourite flowers and only he knew my favourite foods from my favourite deli. I am casually dating one man that I met a couple weeks ago and when I got the first bunch of flowers I sent him a 'thank you for the flowers' he replied: I sent no flowers but hint taken! I hope that you like roses. I have recieved no roses at work but when I saw him for a date last night my new guy gave me a bunch of roses. But the gifts have kept arriving at work! There is no special occasion for me any time soon. No birthday, no promotion, no special anniversary etc. I do not understand. It's quite embarrassing since the people at work are deeply curious about who is sending these 'gifts' and I have no answer for them. I generally do not much care what people think but this IS my professional life and I dislike this 'game playing'. Perhaps I am over-reacting but I'm actually ANGRY about this. I refuse to break NC to see if it is HIM sending me these things but I am unsettled that it may continue if I don't ask him to stop.
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