Under The Radar Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 On the breakups forum it's usually stated that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference, and that should be the goal towards your ex. I am having trouble with this concept as I still have compassion and wish well every woman I have ever been with. I don't hate them, but I certainly don't feel indifferent either. I will always have some love in my heart for all of the partners I've shared time with. Are these thoughts self defeating? What are some of your perspectives and opinions on this matter?
Ddeepprreesseedd Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Is Indifferenced Really The Goal? YES.
Author Under The Radar Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 The goal for you or for people in general? Could you please elaborate ...
Author Under The Radar Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 I meant indifference not indifferenced - my apologies
MissBee Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 (edited) On the breakups forum it's usually stated that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference, and that should be the goal towards your ex. I am having trouble with this concept as I still have compassion and wish well every woman I have ever been with. I don't hate them, but I certainly don't feel indifferent either. I will always have some love in my heart for all of the partners I've shared time with. Are these thoughts self defeating? What are some of your perspectives and opinions on this matter? I don't think the goal should be indifference, so much as often times that inevitably happens. I think that if one can come out the other side and have compassion and wish one's ex well or even be friends, that's great! However, indifference is a better outcome than perpetual hatred or malice. I know people who talk about ALL their exes like they are Satan himself and years later still mention them with malice, in those cases, indifference would be better. Most of my exes are people with whom I am cordial and I wish them well but am indifferent in that I don't think about them and their lives much but harbor no ill will and should we cross paths, I genuinely can have a conversation, share a laugh, etc. Only one of my exes is in a position where I do not respect him and am indifferent about him. I do not wish him ill either; however, we aren't even cordial. I no longer care about his life, I no longer have fantasies about his life going to shyt to make me feel better, I can wish him well but for the most part we went from lovers to strangers. Edited August 12, 2011 by MissBee
Author Under The Radar Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Thank you MissBee for your in depth response
Author Under The Radar Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Thanks for giving your input BB07! I've never been married, but I can completely understand what you mean about sadness from time regarding your divorce, yet being at peace too. Relating that to my experiences with relationships I can say I feel that way too - even years later. I am sorry you were so betrayed, lied too, and taken advantage of in your relationship with the MM. I can certainly understand why you are still so angry about it. Holding onto anger can be so draining and toxic. I guess in that situation reaching indifference someday would be the healthiest conclusion? Anyway, I wish you well
Silly_Girl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I don't have indifference towards my ex-H. He's a bit of a prat, and far from Dad of the Year but he's a likeable bloke, trying to get along in life, I wish him lots of happiness and when bad stuff happens to him I worry for/about him and I try and help. He's an old friend and will probably always be, because we share our lad. I'd actually be disappointed if the foundation feeling from me to him or vice versa were indifference. But my ex-SO. A different matter. He beat me, lied to me, cheated on me, stole from me, wore me down psychologically, and a whole lot more. There's things I've never gone in to here due to TMI but suffice to say I had experiences that no one else I've ever known (yet) has been through. I have indifference. That is the ultimate where that man is concerned. I could not feel anything akin to love. I had to work hard to escape him, stereotypical... stash funds, inform friends/relatives of my plans and swear them to secrecy, act towards him in a way that he'd never guess he was about to lose control of me. So when I freed myself from that I decided I'd suffered enough. He was not going to be a daily ghost in my life. I started celebrating that first day. He came back, and back and back. Still does. The man's a nut. But my anger for the things he did could keep me occupied from now until I draw my last breath. Screw that. And over 2 years later I feel the same. Glad to be free, and I hope he and his new wife are happy and stay together, so as to contain the crazy in one place and not contaminate everyone else with it! I have zero interest in anything he does/says about me. I had mutual friends who wanted to report back but I told them unless my safety is at stake nothing he says/does is of any interest to me, and that suits me. It's something I'm very proud of. I am sad and frustrated with myself for entering that relationship, but really glad that when I decided 8 years was enough I limited the damage at that point and it's not been a real factor in my life since. I thought my counsellor would have a field day with all that baggage but actually most of it was dealt with and didn't really come up So getting back to your original question, sorry to be trite, but in my view it completely depends on the personalities involved, the nature of the relationship, and the atmosphere at break-up point.
Author Under The Radar Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Thanks Silly_Girl for sharing some of your views on this topic - I find it quite interesting. So, indifference doesn't always have to be the goal. I agree that it does depend on many different factors that occurred during and after the relationship.
ScienceGal Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 That's my goal. I would pay good money to be indifferent right now.
EmeraldCityGirl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I don't think indifference is the ideal. I am friendly with almost all of my former lovers, with the exception of those I have lost contact with over the years. As someone else pointed out, indifference is better than hatred or malice, but I think friendly acceptance should be the goal.
jwi71 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I would suggest forgiveness and understanding as the ideal goal. Because here, the past becomes pleasant and the future becomes possible.
Author Under The Radar Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 That's my goal. I would pay good money to be indifferent right now. This made me smile. I know what you mean ScienceGal. I would pay good money for a time machine. You wanna start a lottery where we all pitch in for one?
Author Under The Radar Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 EmeraldCityGirl, I wholeheartedly agree that indifference should not be the ideal we strive for. I have always had a special place in my heart for the partners I have shared time with. I can see very clearly all of the bad components of those relationships; not just the good. Nevertheless, there was good in them too and I choose to remember that. Over the years I always wonder how they are doing and often picture good memories in my head that play like an old movie.
Author Under The Radar Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 I would suggest forgiveness and understanding as the ideal goal. Because here, the past becomes pleasant and the future becomes possible. Words of wisdom - I would definitely agree with this ...
ScienceGal Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I don't think indifference is the ideal. I am friendly with almost all of my former lovers, with the exception of those I have lost contact with over the years. As someone else pointed out, indifference is better than hatred or malice, but I think friendly acceptance should be the goal. I am friends with most exes also. But this last one is an insufferable piece of work. I don't hate, I still love the jerk, so to be indifferent will be a blessing.
TurningTables Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 [/b] This made me smile. I know what you mean ScienceGal. I would pay good money for a time machine. You wanna start a lottery where we all pitch in for one? Ok..Count me in. Drop me off around 2008. lol
Author Under The Radar Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Ok..Count me in. Drop me off around 2008. lol Speaking of which, does anyone have a spare DeLorean and blueprints for a Flex Capacitor? Maybe I'll be Marty McFly from "Back to the Future" for Halloween - I'll drop you off in 2008 before we retro back to 1955. Well, just some wishful thinking, lol ...
ScienceGal Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 (edited) [/b] Speaking of which, does anyone have a spare DeLorean and blueprints for a Flex Capacitor? Maybe I'll be Marty McFly from "Back to the Future" for Halloween - I'll drop you off in 2008 before we retro back to 1955. Well, just some wishful thinking, lol ... Aaaaah. Tempting, oh SO tempting. But I fear this would ruin the time space continuum and I would never meet that super sexy hunky man that I am destined to meet, you know, the one that wants to give me a back/foot rub every night, then draw me a hot bubble bath and cook me dinner. Seriously, all of these experiences will end with something good. It is up to each of us to be strong and true to ourselves, be good and honest to those we love, and get THERE! Edited August 12, 2011 by ScienceGal
Author Under The Radar Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Aaaaah. Tempting, oh SO tempting. But I fear this would ruin the time space continuum and I would never meet that super sexy hunky man that I am destined to meet, you know, the one that wants to give me a back/foot rub every night, then draw me a hot bubble bath and cook me dinner. Seriously, all of these experiences will end with something good. It is up to each of us to be strong and true to ourselves, be good and honest to those we love, and get THERE! Made me smile
Ddeepprreesseedd Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours.Mark Twain
Gentlegirl Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Married my first husband when I was 18... he was a violent alcoholic gambler... can never feel indifferent about the 5 years of hell with him. Had a few relationships between marriages, feel good memories. Still miss and love my late husband... NEVER indifferent about him Xmm ? Well 8 months NC and I go through periods of anger, and also missing him. I have no idea how I will feel in the future. At the moment, I don't think it will be kindly or indifferent. That might change. People you love leave their legacy, positive or negative, forever. I don't strive to be indifferent... However it happens it happens. Gentlegirl
eleanor01 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Excellent question. I'm all over the map when I think about my exes. Since each situation was different and ended differently, my opinions about and feelings for each one are relative to that relationship. Perhaps the most positive feelings I have are for my first serious boyfriend. We were madly in love and I was young and a commitment-phobe and therefore the demise of the relationship was my fault. We're still in touch occasionally and he's very happy with his wife and family. I wish for him all the happiness in the world. He's a wonderful person and deserves it. I have exes that are great friends and a handful even came to my wedding (in the last century ). I have one ex whose family I am very close to since college. I'm friends with his sister and parents (and have been for 30 years). His wife is amazing--he has exes all over the world, and seems to be friends with most of us. They travel extensively and often stay with women who are his ex-girlfriends (who also have families). My ex-husband and are still very friendly. The marriage was a stupid idea and just shouldn't have happened at all. But, we still talk on the phone for hours at time a few times per year. We still care for each other. Next on the list are exes I wish well but don't really want to hang out with very much. Next are those I realized were whiners or idiots and I wish I had known that before we started dating. Others kind of gross me out. "What was I thinking??" Finally, there's my narcissistic, alcoholic, abusive ex-boyfriend. I certainly find him disgusting and revolting. I don't know if I hate him, but I really have some extraordinarily negative feelings about him. blech. I'm so glad that he's moved far, far away. So, my feelings run the gamut. My married man is the second person I've fallen madly, madly in love with. I never thought such a thing would happen and I never thought I'd be in love like this again. So it goes. Ellie
Spark1111 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I think this statement applies to very bad and traumatic break-ups, whether an affair, a nasty divorce, an abusive relationship, or being dumped out of the blue by an x you were in love with. After shock comes anger, and anger will kill you, erode your happiness, and keep you stuck, mired in bitterness, The opposite of love, is not anger or hate. Those emotions show a strong attachment to your past lover and the power they still have over you and your present and your future. Jiwi is right....we need understanding and forgiveness to reach indifference, another word for acceptance. And of course, anyone who dates knows that a person who still goes on and on about the one that did them wrong is too emotionally invested to make room for the new...you. It's a huge red flag.
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