willowthewisp Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Hi all, I told a friend of mine whos husband has recently had an affair that I would ask you all for book recommendations. He will not go to MC but has agreed to try and work things out (yes I know, contradiction), he says the affair has ended but he has given her the usual ILYBNILWY speech and the "I'm not sure I can get my feelings back" speech. Anyway, does anyone have any good book recommendations for her that will help her to address the problems in their marriage, communication, sex, etc. Also, they have two very young children, he cheated whilst she was pregnant. Many thanks!
anne1707 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 My H and I found Harley's "His needs, her needs" useful in getting us to talk about our relationship and how we could improve it
andyg99 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Hi all, Anyway, does anyone have any good book recommendations for her that will help her to address the problems in their marriage, communication, sex, etc. Also, they have two very young children, he cheated whilst she was pregnant. Many thanks! wow - he has the affair, doesn't want to go to counseling and SHE has to work on fixing the marriage? just wow.... my advice would be to tell her to still go to counseling without him and unless he decides to join her (she should set a time limit - maybe by the 3rd or 4th session) she should shift the focus of the sessions from saving the marriage to moving on...
marqueemoon4 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 wow - he has the affair, doesn't want to go to counseling and SHE has to work on fixing the marriage? just wow.... my advice would be to tell her to still go to counseling without him and unless he decides to join her (she should set a time limit - maybe by the 3rd or 4th session) she should shift the focus of the sessions from saving the marriage to moving on... Right on the money as usual..
PegNosePete Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Forget books. I would tell her this. Sit him down and give him these rules. If he fails to agree to them then it is straight to DIVORCE. 1) He will be 100% committed tot he marriage, and 100% honest from now on and will answer ANY question honestly, without objection, hesitation, or deviation. 2) He will never contact the other woman again. He will call her up RIGHT NOW with his wife listening and tell her this. Then they will never ever speak, email, text, see or otherwise contact each other again. 3) He will give her all of his passwords, email, IM, phone access, etc. He has NO privacy from now on. Whenever she wants to check anything he will hand it straight over, no "just going to the toilet" to censor it first. 4) They WILL go to MC. If he disagrees to ANY of these rules then divorce. If he agrees but subsequently breaks ANY of them, divorce.
didntseeit Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 A book called After the Affair for her. It will not help save a marriage but will help her understand. I agree with most. He needs to be told 1,2,3 or get out. I am soon to be D because my STBX cheated, twice.
didntseeit Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 A book called After the Affair for her. It will not help save a marriage but will help her understand. I agree with most. He needs to be told 1,2,3 or get out. I am soon to be D because my STBX cheated, twice.
jaymz Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I bought the following on recommendation: Five Steps to Romantic Love: A Workbook for Readers of Love Busters and His Needs, Her NeedsSurviving an AffairThe Love DareHis Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage Not sure how good they are as I'm not going to reconcile, but I have read them and they seems full of good stuff.
Mauschen Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 His Needs Her Needs is a great book. It didn't save my first marriage because my ex was unwilling to read it and go to therapy with me, but it has helped immensely in my current marriage. My husband and I read it, and it helps us understand the needs we both have. The problem is - this takes work - and some people are not willing.
Tech_E Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 As usual PegNosePete nailed it. Books, meh. MC, meh. No value whatsoever unless the steps Pete outlined are followed.
Disillusioned_Wife Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Not Just Friends - Shirley P Glass. Again, I'd like to reiterate the others and say useless if he doesn't commit completely to MC, total accountability and transparency and the marriage.
Tech_E Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Again, I'd like to reiterate the others and say useless if he doesn't commit completely to MC, total accountability and transparency and the marriage. I would agree to this with the exception of the MC. It is NOT the be all and end all. It is NOT 100% required to recover after an affair. In fact if the wrong MC is chosen then it can be completely ineffective. Some think that MC is a magic bullet, it isn't.
Author willowthewisp Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Thank you for all the responses. Pegnose Pete, he has complied with the first 3, they also went to one MC session, to be honest the counsellor sounded useless from what my friend said, so much so I advised her not to go back to the same one. Now he refuses to go at all, he says because he wnats to get his feelings back before they deal with the affair. I realise that is completely illogical, not to mention selfish with no regard for her feelings. My freind is frightened, she is afriad of losing her family, she has two children under school age, one is still nursing and she loves him. She really wants to work this out but at the moment it appears it is all on his terms, she is bending to these for fear that he will walk away. That is my take on it. As much as I want to tell her to throw him out and move on, I cannot, it is her decision, besides I am sure all us BS here can relate to the bending over backwards to try and keep our spouse? I suggested she read some books to maybe give her some advice and pointers on how to start rebuilding their marriage, with him as a willing participant, but she has no clue where to start and I do not have any experience of this so cannot offer her any advice either. I thought maybe if she educated herself she would at least have some idea of where to begin given he will not go MC. I will, however, tell her to go to an MC alone, that is a fantastic suggestion! Many thanks all, I will pass on the books titles.
2.50 a gallon Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 For all the naysayers, there is no one size fits all, there are always two sides to every story, and somewhere in between lies the truth. Each of us must make our own decisions on how to handle lifes problems. I myself could never have reconciled with the Ex, but now decades later, I can see that had I not gone off the handle when I caught the Ex kissing the OM, we might have been able to fix our relationship. And yes I do know of marriages that not only survived an affair, but thrived. It might seem like an oxymoron, but the truth is, on occasions there are marriages that infidelty actually saved the marriage and helped it grow stronger. Sort of like a giant wake up call
Woman In Blue Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 wow - he has the affair, doesn't want to go to counseling and SHE has to work on fixing the marriage? just wow.... I have to say I agree with this 100%. There is something intrinsically wrong with a woman whose husband TELLS her he's not in love with her anymore and she still wants to cling to the guy like some kind of desperate puppy. I'm actually embarrassed FOR her. Since she obviously has no pride and wants to continue begging her husband to stay with her when he clearly doesn't WANT to, I guess a book about how to be the perfect floormat would be in order. Not meaning any disrespect to you, Willow, but this woman is pitiful.
Author willowthewisp Posted August 13, 2011 Author Posted August 13, 2011 I have to say I agree with this 100%. There is something intrinsically wrong with a woman whose husband TELLS her he's not in love with her anymore and she still wants to cling to the guy like some kind of desperate puppy. I'm actually embarrassed FOR her. Since she obviously has no pride and wants to continue begging her husband to stay with her when he clearly doesn't WANT to, I guess a book about how to be the perfect floormat would be in order. Not meaning any disrespect to you, Willow, but this woman is pitiful. You are of course entitled to your opinion. My friend is one of the strongest women you could ever meet and has been through so much in her life already. She wants to save her family, she is still breast feeding their child, she is doing the best she can in extremely difficult circumstances. Her H may appear that he doesn't want to, but her H has also seen a doctor and has been perscribed meds, there is a lot more to this story which I have not posted in order to protect her privacy, I just gave bare details so that people could give me the book titles.
tojaz Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Well Willow, heres a few that have'nt been mentioned yet, "Reconcilable Differences" "The 5 Love languages" "Getting back together". I would also suggest they have a sit and watch "Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal" a documentary I saw a while back about 2 couples who had experienced infidelity and were able to put the pieces together and build new stronger relationships together. I found it to be very powerful and painful to watch, but someone stuck in the middle it may be just what they need to see. I'll send a link via PM as soon as I find one. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 You are of course entitled to your opinion. My friend is one of the strongest women you could ever meet and has been through so much in her life already. She wants to save her family, she is still breast feeding their child, she is doing the best she can in extremely difficult circumstances. Her H may appear that he doesn't want to, but her H has also seen a doctor and has been perscribed meds, there is a lot more to this story which I have not posted in order to protect her privacy, I just gave bare details so that people could give me the book titles. Willow - Is she going to counseling as well? If not, I would suggest it. I know when I went through something similar when my daughter was just born, it affected me so emotionally that I had to stop breast feeding. Your friend needs as much support as she can get to get through these emotional times. I would say for now, he needs to resolve himself and she needs to concentrate on the children and being kind to herself. Sad...I'm so sorry for your friend and what she is going through.
reboot Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 While I mostly agree (in spirit) with the "make him toe the line, he has to do X, Y, Z, throw his azz out, etc" advice, I would point out how easy it is to sit here on our anonymous internet high horses and say such things. It isn't always so easy for people out there in the real world to do them.
carhill Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 If she has the ability to relocate to her parents, relatives or trusted friends, I'd suggest getting the books and taking a break to read them and center herself amongst supportive people. Since this was a pregnancy affair, an infidelity committed while she carried and bore their child, and likely is continuing, regardless of his assertions to the contrary, IMO a separation at this time would be productive. Take the kids and go. IC is a good suggestion and can both facilitate tools for divorce or reconciliation as well as assess her current mental and emotional health. More information is good information. My sympathies.
Owl Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 While I mostly agree (in spirit) with the "make him toe the line, he has to do X, Y, Z, throw his azz out, etc" advice, I would point out how easy it is to sit here on our anonymous internet high horses and say such things. It isn't always so easy for people out there in the real world to do them. Yes and no, Reboot. It's hard for people who are used to compromising with a spouse, and who don't want to lose their relationship with that spouse to suddenly draw hardline, enforceable boundaries....and absolutely enforce them. It gets easier when you finally reach a point where you're willing to lose that person rather than let things go on as they are now. But I also still think it's pretty critical to actually INSIST on what you need.
reboot Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Yes and no, Reboot. It's hard for people who are used to compromising with a spouse, and who don't want to lose their relationship with that spouse to suddenly draw hardline, enforceable boundaries....and absolutely enforce them. It gets easier when you finally reach a point where you're willing to lose that person rather than let things go on as they are now. But I also still think it's pretty critical to actually INSIST on what you need. And, again, I'm not disagreeing with any of that. I'm just saying that it's easy enough for us (particularly the men here who are usually the main bread winners) to tell someone to "throw the bum out", where that advice may not always be entirely practical, as in this case of a young mother with 2 very small children. She's going to have to make plans, and preparations, and gather herself a support group (friends/family) before she entertains such a plan of action.
carhill Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I would also suggest she contact the CAB (assuming UK) and assess her options if she chooses to separate. IIRC, the help, in person and online, is complimentary or low-cost. A typical scenario is the young mother relocates with children to parents, who assist with daily expenses as she proceeds to arrange finances/ get public support/ get legal assistance to procure an order of support, etc while deciding the next steps. Breathing room. As laws vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, each decision should be made with local laws in mind. Reconciliation is possible at any time, if both parties are desirous and amenable and agree upon the terms.
didntseeit Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 My 2 cents...My STBXH had an affair 1.5 years ago. We tried to work through it. I thought we had made progress and things were getting better. He didnt want MC so I figured if I loved him enough and read enough books it will resolve itself. I was getting ready to stop working at his request, to be home with the kids. So after asking him many times, he said if he ever felt that way away again (straying), that he would say something first. One year later...he came home from a trip and I had asked him to see his phone, texts...he said I want a divorce..His behavior tipped him off and I had chat records for him and the OW. So here was his chance to be honest. Here I am the non bread winner with 2 kids. We are currently overseas but I will be moving back to the US soon. After I realized I can do this without him, I woke up. For the longest time I feared for my kids, how would they eat, how would I support them. Somehow it will work out. I talked to a therapist and my family and somehow it will work out. You have to believe that. I am not the one who turned outside the marriage and I would rather R than D, but at this stage of my recovery ( and I do think it is recovery now) I will probably go through with the D. I hate to see my family lose but somewhere I also got lost. I may struggle as a single mom with two youngs kids, but I will make it. I truly believe that. It took me awhile to get to this place in my head, it is no easy task getting past the fear. But for me the fear of staying in a marriage when a man can simply walk away from his family for a chance with the OW, is far worse than being a sinlge mom on my own.
Afishwithabike Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 My 2 cents...My STBXH had an affair 1.5 years ago. We tried to work through it. I thought we had made progress and things were getting better. He didnt want MC so I figured if I loved him enough and read enough books it will resolve itself. I was getting ready to stop working at his request, to be home with the kids. So after asking him many times, he said if he ever felt that way away again (straying), that he would say something first. One year later...he came home from a trip and I had asked him to see his phone, texts...he said I want a divorce..His behavior tipped him off and I had chat records for him and the OW. So here was his chance to be honest. Here I am the non bread winner with 2 kids. We are currently overseas but I will be moving back to the US soon. After I realized I can do this without him, I woke up. For the longest time I feared for my kids, how would they eat, how would I support them. Somehow it will work out. I talked to a therapist and my family and somehow it will work out. You have to believe that. I am not the one who turned outside the marriage and I would rather R than D, but at this stage of my recovery ( and I do think it is recovery now) I will probably go through with the D. I hate to see my family lose but somewhere I also got lost. I may struggle as a single mom with two youngs kids, but I will make it. I truly believe that. It took me awhile to get to this place in my head, it is no easy task getting past the fear. But for me the fear of staying in a marriage when a man can simply walk away from his family for a chance with the OW, is far worse than being a sinlge mom on my own. Good for you. I especially like the last sentence you wrote. It's so true. Maybe I'll get flamed for this and maybe this sounds a bit smug, but one of the reasons I work is because I like having my own income. I'm not dependent on a man to take care of me. Right out of law school, I used to work for a low-cost legal clinic that provided free legal services. We saw a lot of women there. What I discovered is many women stay in adulterous relationships because they’re financially dependent on the cheating spouse. If the husband is the only breadwinner in the family, he may be counting on the fact the wife to put up with his cheating, since she can’t financially fend for herself. To the OP - the only couple I know in real life who successfully reconciled had marital counseling and the husband (the who who strayed) had to go to great lengths to build the trust back in the relationship. I really feel for your friend. To be betrayed so badly at such a time in her life and then have to do all the heavy lifting and work herself doesn't bode well for their relationship.
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