Mixed signals: Thought we were exclusive

[jackmerridew]

OK I just got off the phone with my lady friend's best friend. They just talked on the phone too.

 

It turns out she is NOT upset with me, and that my wanting to be exclusive scared her off, and she isn't answering my calls or texts because she wants to give us some space.

 

I think she realizes that she took things too fast, and made me fall for her.

 

Although she's not dating anyone else, she isn't ready to be tied down to one person, even though she said she doesn't have the energy to date anyone else.

 

The BFF said my girl isn't ready to marry, and that she just wants to focus on her business for now.

 

So ... I feel at ease a bit because I can stop feeling guilty about what I said.

 

Now I just have to reorganize my thoughts, and see if I can handle just "dating" her with the possibility that some other guy will swoop in.

 

I don't think I can, and it hurts now because I'm falling for this girl.

 

This kinda changes everything. Although this thread veered off into Vietnamese customs, this is still very much now a thread about mixed signals.

 

Another friend of hers said she thinks she doesn't understand U.S. dating customs, and may have confused me in the process. Thus, my signals crossed.

 

Your thoughts?

[jackmerridew]

To be quite honest, this whole thing is a bit unfair.

 

She sleeps with me, moves some toiletries into my apartment, spends the night with me, we have unprotected sex, she sends me emails with pictures of her with outstretched arms saying "Give me your love," buys a $200 dinner for me on my birthday and spends up to $500 on an ukulele (exactly what I wanted), then gets me a huge cake for my party, and calls me sweetheart and babe.

 

Then she says that she's not ready to be exclusive.

 

I mean, wouldn't you fall for her too? I wish I could show you a pic of this girl too. She is beautiful.

 

I can't blame myself for falling for her. It's only natural. But now it's become hard for me to pull away.

 

And she STILL isn't calling me.

 

Her BFFs says that she does like me, and that she always talks about me, and says that I'm the nicest guy. And then she shows it.

 

Do you think it's worth sticking it out? She said she doesn't want to date anyone else right now, and she said she hasn't thought about dating anyone else in the future. It's not on her mind, her mind is focused on me, here and now.

[bluenightowl]

To be quite honest, this whole thing is a bit unfair.

 

She sleeps with me, moves some toiletries into my apartment, spends the night with me, we have unprotected sex, she sends me emails with pictures of her with outstretched arms saying "Give me your love," buys a $200 dinner for me on my birthday and spends up to $500 on an ukulele (exactly what I wanted), then gets me a huge cake for my party, and calls me sweetheart and babe.

 

Then she says that she's not ready to be exclusive.

 

I mean, wouldn't you fall for her too? I wish I could show you a pic of this girl too. She is beautiful.

 

I can't blame myself for falling for her. It's only natural. But now it's become hard for me to pull away.

 

And she STILL isn't calling me.

 

Her BFFs says that she does like me, and that she always talks about me, and says that I'm the nicest guy. And then she shows it.

 

Do you think it's worth sticking it out? She said she doesn't want to date anyone else right now, and she said she hasn't thought about dating anyone else in the future. It's not on her mind, her mind is focused on me, here and now.

 

Yes, it is unfair. I would ignore Pierre. Sorry Pierre, but clearly she understands the American way. After reading the previous post, if she is dropping you to focus on her business, then I would be really upset about this.

 

I think your best bet is to show her you are strong. You need to stop caring for a moment. Get busy, and let her come back to you. Maybe she is even the type that likes the chase.

 

But overall, after what you have posted, I would move on. As sexy as she might be, there are lots of amazing women out there who will not play such BS with you. The power you need to have is to believe in yourself and believe there are at least 100 or more women that could take her place. Another way to think about it is, well you got her interested in you, I bet there are many other woman who think you are hot stuff as well.

 

If you believe and convey to her that she is the ONE, you are giving all the power to a woman who places your love behind her own business now that she has you wrapped around her finger. Is that the man you want to be?

[Pierre]

I was wrong!

 

I thought she was less western in her dating habits.

 

This is much worse than you offending her. She seems to now be uninterested.

 

There is new info about a prior marriage to a gay man and rape by family members. Her family back home may not be necessarily conservative.

 

I am sorry I was wrong, this is much worse and now things make more sense.

[Pierre]

The fact that she was sexual right away was atypical for a nice vietnamese girl. Spending a lot of money on you so soon was also atypical. I would not have accepted the 500 dollar gift.

 

I now see her as a woman with psychological baggage. She is not certainly a girl that lives by the dating tradition of her country.

 

At this stage in your life you should try to forget her and move on. There is something strange about this woman. She has gone from worshiping you to not talking to you in a heartbeat for no obvious reason. My theory on differences in dating culture was wrong.

[jackmerridew]

Yes, it is unfair. I would ignore Pierre. Sorry Pierre, but clearly she understands the American way. After reading the previous post, if she is dropping you to focus on her business, then I would be really upset about this.

 

I think your best bet is to show her you are strong. You need to stop caring for a moment. Get busy, and let her come back to you. Maybe she is even the type that likes the chase.

 

But overall, after what you have posted, I would move on. As sexy as she might be, there are lots of amazing women out there who will not play such BS with you. The power you need to have is to believe in yourself and believe there are at least 100 or more women that could take her place. Another way to think about it is, well you got her interested in you, I bet there are many other woman who think you are hot stuff as well.

 

If you believe and convey to her that she is the ONE, you are giving all the power to a woman who places your love behind her own business now that she has you wrapped around her finger. Is that the man you want to be?

 

THank you for your reassuring words. Yes, it's a reminder to me that if I can land a girl like this once (and I date pretty women often), I can do it again.

 

Another best friend of hers will talk to her tonight, and I'm hoping that she's the kind of girl that maybe she just needs a good talk with her girlfriend to work issues out.

 

I don't know how long I can wait for her to come around and contact me again. We were supposed to go together to an event this Monday where I arranged for her to be there to help promote her business, so I am fearful of what will happen then.

 

I guess all I can do is put on a brave face and bury myself and work.

 

But thank you for reminding me that I can move on.

[jackmerridew]

I was wrong!

 

I thought she was less western in her dating habits.

 

This is much worse than you offending her. She seems to now be uninterested.

 

There is new info about a prior marriage to a gay man and rape by family members. Her family back home may not be necessarily conservative.

 

I am sorry I was wrong, this is much worse and now things make more sense.

 

Makes more sense how?

[Pierre]

Makes more sense how?

 

That she is not interested in being exclusive.

 

That my theory about vietnamese dating culture was wrong. However, at the time I did not know she was divorced.

 

Nevertheless, there is something very odd. Why did she go from worshiping you to being not interested so abruptly? Did you see that coming? I don't think so. Why the sudden change? Why is she talking through intermediaries?

[jackmerridew]

That she is not interested in being exclusive.

 

That my theory about vietnamese dating culture was wrong. However, at the time I did not know she was divorced.

 

Nevertheless, there is something very odd. Why did she go from worshiping you to being not interested so abruptly? Did you see that coming? I don't think so. Why the sudden change? Why is she talking through intermediaries?

 

Yes. I recently had a very big and public birthday party, and all of my friends say they cannot believe that she is doing this to me, when just last week Saturday, she was more like a girlfriend to me than they've ever seen anyone, and that we seemed so happy together.

 

I'm trying not to remember the happy times. But oh God it hurts when I do.

[Pierre]

Yes. I recently had a very big and public birthday party, and all of my friends say they cannot believe that she is doing this to me, when just last week Saturday, she was more like a girlfriend to me than they've ever seen anyone, and that we seemed so happy together.

 

I'm trying not to remember the happy times. But oh God it hurts when I do.

 

If it hurts it means you love her. It is possible to fall in love very quickly with the right one.

 

I have some theories about why she is acting like that:

 

Perhaps she was not exclusive and decided to go with someone else. However, she certainly acted like a GF. Nevertheless you have only known her for a very short time. That is why I always advocate for relationships to move at a slow pace with no sex until much later. Too much intimacy without really knowing the person often backfires (more often for women, but sometimes also with men).

 

Maybe she is bipolar. That would explain going from one extreme to the other so fast. It may also explain why she has gone NC.

 

Maybe she is simply not ready to be a GF because of her baggage.

 

Maybe there is a cultural clash. Who knows?

 

Maybe she has lied the entire time and she is married. Perhaps her H was in Vietnam and now has come to America.

 

It would be nice if you knew for sure.

[olivec]

Yes. I recently had a very big and public birthday party, and all of my friends say they cannot believe that she is doing this to me, when just last week Saturday, she was more like a girlfriend to me than they've ever seen anyone, and that we seemed so happy together.

 

I'm trying not to remember the happy times. But oh God it hurts when I do.

 

Listen man this type of situation happend to me also. I was with my ex for 6 months. I thought things were going great even though at first we were long distance. Then she moved to my city and got a new job, then she started acting funny. I remember one night on the phone i told her i was happy she moved to my city that way we could spend more time together. She told me it was gunna be difficult because shes in transition with new job and moving to new city and didnt want anything serious. I was shocked and hurt by what she said. Then i got upset and told her i was done playing games. Then she said "well i thought we were cool and thats fine with me". ofcourse i didn't want things to end so i apologise for days afterthat and it just made things worse and ultimately i lost her for good afterthat. The biggest mistake i made was i got too emotionally involved with this girl too soon and i can see your doing the same thing. I would suggest forgetting about her for now and go nc until she decides to contact you. And if or when she does just be very cool about everything, because if you get emotional again she'll leave you again for good.

[jackmerridew]

Update.

 

She came running back.

 

I didn't update my Facebook for the whole time she didn't contact me, until I decided forget it. I'm going to update it, and it's going to be about having fun.

 

So my status update was "Heading out to celebrate friends and so and so's birthday!"

 

Then I checked in at a club.

 

Around 1 a.m., she texted me if I was at the club. I didn't text her back, and she called me 10 minutes later. I didn't answer her. And she called a second time. This time I answered.

 

I told her no I wasn't at the club. Turns out when she saw I checked in there, she left her girlfriend's birthday party early to look for me at the club. She realized that I wasn't. I told her I was walking home (I live nearby the club).

 

By the time I got back to my apartment, she was already there, sitting on the curb, looking sad, holding a flower. We both looked drunk. I smelled like smoke. I stood, she sat, and we stared at each other for what felt like forever.

 

We talked, and we understand what both of us want in the relationship.

 

We're still not exclusive, but we have a better understanding of each other.

 

Now I just need to play it cool, not be so available for her.

 

It's clear to me that she understands the push and pull, even if she doesn't do it on purpose. If I want this girl to want me around, I need to play it cool and strong.

 

Thanks for all your help you guys. You were all a great deal of comfort the past few days.

[Pierre]

Congratulations !

 

In most relationships the threat of losing your partner makes you want your partner even more. Happens even in 20 year marriages.

 

In fact that is why people play games where they don't call right away or play hard to get.

 

I still don't get the phobia about not been exclusive when she is not dating any one else.

[jackmerridew]

Congratulations !

 

In most relationships the threat of losing your partner makes you want your partner even more. Happens even in 20 year marriages.

 

In fact that is why people play games where they don't call right away or play hard to get.

 

I still don't get the phobia about not been exclusive when she is not dating any one else.

 

I don't understand it either. Perhaps I never will.

 

But I am strong enough to believe, and brave enough to risk being hurt all over again. Such is the way it goes I suppose.

 

Thanks Pierre. You helped bring some perspective, even if you may have been wrong. It's important for me to consider the intercultural communication. I need to do some research.

[jackmerridew]

Listen man this type of situation happend to me also. I was with my ex for 6 months. I thought things were going great even though at first we were long distance. Then she moved to my city and got a new job, then she started acting funny. I remember one night on the phone i told her i was happy she moved to my city that way we could spend more time together. She told me it was gunna be difficult because shes in transition with new job and moving to new city and didnt want anything serious. I was shocked and hurt by what she said. Then i got upset and told her i was done playing games. Then she said "well i thought we were cool and thats fine with me". ofcourse i didn't want things to end so i apologise for days afterthat and it just made things worse and ultimately i lost her for good afterthat. The biggest mistake i made was i got too emotionally involved with this girl too soon and i can see your doing the same thing. I would suggest forgetting about her for now and go nc until she decides to contact you. And if or when she does just be very cool about everything, because if you get emotional again she'll leave you again for good.

 

It sucks to be a sensitive, emotional man sometimes, and I feel your pain brother.

 

Your last few sentences are wise words to remember. I will always keep it in the back of my mind, now that we are "back together". I am learning more every day.

[Star Gazer]

Congratulations !

 

I still don't get the phobia about not been exclusive when she is not dating any one else.

 

I don't get the "Congratulations!" bit. What progress has been made? She still doesn't want to be exclusive? If she's not dating other people, and doesn't want to date other people...............why can't she be exclusive?

[zengirl]

Well, now this all sounds weird.

 

Now, instead of sounding traditional . . . she sounds kind of mentally unstable. I hate to say that, though. I really can't follow it all. I thought Pierre had a good theory, but I've got nothing.

[Pierre]

Well, now this all sounds weird.

 

Now, instead of sounding traditional . . . she sounds kind of mentally unstable. I hate to say that, though. I really can't follow it all. I thought Pierre had a good theory, but I've got nothing.

 

I don't get spending 700.00 for a guy she just met. Then, she makes a 180 degree turn which I thought was due to her culture, but now we know is not.

 

I congratulate Jack because he was in pain and she came back to him. But, SG and you are correct, there are some mysteries.

 

I am always weary of too much too soon in relationships.

[jackmerridew]

I don't get the "Congratulations!" bit. What progress has been made? She still doesn't want to be exclusive? If she's not dating other people, and doesn't want to date other people...............why can't she be exclusive?

 

I know. I'm trying to figure it out myself.

 

She also said she won't sleep with someone else. I think she's just really afraid of the label?

 

I dunno. Congratulations because I'm not in limbo anymore. But who knows. Maybe I've found a great thing, maybe I am in for more frustration. We'll see...

[simpsonic]

I don't get spending 700.00 for a guy she just met. Then, she makes a 180 degree turn which I thought was due to her culture, but now we know is not.

 

I congratulate Jack because he was in pain and she came back to him. But, SG and you are correct, there are some mysteries.

 

I am always weary of too much too soon in relationships.

 

I would NEVER spend so much money on any guy so early on, let alone a guy I don't want to be exclusive with.

 

And yeah, I'm also wary of the "too much too soon" pace. I've been through that many times. All of them crash and burn relationships. Slow and steady wins the race.

[bluenightowl]

Update.

 

We're still not exclusive, but we have a better understanding of each other.

 

Now I just need to play it cool, not be so available for her.

 

It's clear to me that she understands the push and pull, even if she doesn't do it on purpose. If I want this girl to want me around, I need to play it cool and strong.

 

Thanks for all your help you guys. You were all a great deal of comfort the past few days.

 

Definitely play it cool, but I'd also get busy. She might stay and she might not, but you shouldn't really care too much at this point. Try to detach a bit if I were you. She should not be commanding this much attention and emotional energy from you when she is acting this way and just make sure you are getting what you want out of this, not just her drama.

[Star Gazer]

Congratulations because I'm not in limbo anymore.

 

I actually think you're more in limbo now than you were before.

[bluenightowl]

I actually think you're more in limbo now than you were before.

 

Yes, I tend to agree. Another option is to say, this is what I want, to be exclusive. You can ask her one more time and if she flakes out again, just say things are getting too complicated and move on.

 

She might just change her mind at that point knowing you are ready to walk.

As has been said many times before, people hate rejection, and you know that yourself.

 

Some might argue she'll still not be sure of what she wants, but I also think some people need to be pushed into making a decision and they might even thank you for it later.

Edited August 15, 2011 by bluenightowl

[olivec]

Yes, I tend to agree. Another option is to say, this is what I want, to be exclusive. You can ask her one more time and if she flakes out again, just say things are getting too complicated and move on.

 

She might just change her mind at that point knowing you are ready to walk.

As has been said many times before, people hate rejection, and you know that yourself.

 

Some might argue she'll still not be sure of what she wants, but I also think some people need to be pushed into making a decision and they might even thank you for it later.

 

nope i wouldn't say anything, i tryed that crap early on when i still thought there was a chance to salvage things with my ex. it didn't work, he needs to play things cool because this girl seems like she'll switch up at anytime, which alot of girls tend to do anyway. honestly i would stay very learly of her right now because she can't be trusted.

[bluenightowl]

nope i wouldn't say anything, i tryed that crap early on when i still thought there was a chance to salvage things with my ex. it didn't work, he needs to play things cool because this girl seems like she'll switch up at anytime, which alot of girls tend to do anyway. honestly i would stay very learly of her right now because she can't be trusted.

 

I agree, she might switch up at anytime just as you say and playing it cool in the sense of not giving her too much attention and getting busy in his own life would be a good thing.

 

On the other hand, confronting her about what one wants isn't playing games, and its not a salvage situation either IF you are fully prepared to move on. I would do it if the drama continues and be prepared to move on.