Ruby Slippers Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I know tone is important, so it probably reads here like I was just being presumptuous when I said that. But I asked her the question, she replied the answers above, and I said, "So we're exclusive then." She didn't say anything. Then I said, "So we're not exclusive." She said yes. It sounds to me like you're overthinking this and being somewhat passive. Just tell her you want to be exclusive. If she says no, decide whether this is acceptable to you, or not, and take action from there.
Cypress25 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 My first interpretation actually was that we're exclusive, and she didn't say anything.Then maybe you should have waited for her to say something! You jumped to conclusions based on a few seconds of silence, and now you're about to lose this girl because you're too chickenshi.t to tell her what you want. Star Gazer is exactly right. That's what I was thinking when I read your first post. Instead of trying to interpret what she's not saying, maybe you should just be direct with her. You could say "I'd really like us to be exclusive. Do you want that too?" What do you have to lose by doing that?
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 See above post. My first interpretation actually was that we're exclusive, and she didn't say anything. :\ Look, this is really simple. Do you WANT to be exclusive with her? If you do... then next time you see her tell her that she is now officially your GF and that means neither of you are seeing other people. If she likes it... there is your answer... if she doesn't like it... there is your answer. Simple. Women like this will lead you in circles your whole life if you let them. Just tell her exactly what you want and she will either be on board of kicked out.
Author jackmerridew Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Then maybe you should have waited for her to say something! You jumped to conclusions based on a few seconds of silence, and now you're about to lose this girl because you're too chickenshi.t to tell her what you want. Star Gazer is exactly right. That's what I was thinking when I read your first post. Instead of trying to interpret what she's not saying, maybe you should just be direct with her. You could say "I'd really like us to be exclusive. Do you want that too?" What do you have to lose by doing that? I think I pretty much communicated with her that I want to be exclusive, and she resisted. Ruby Slippers is right. I may be overthinking it and I should just relax. It's clear that she likes me and cares about me somewhat. This morning she texted me good morning and that she will see me later tonight. When I didn't text back, 8 minutes later she called me and asked why I didn't respond to her text. So I think she's pretty attached to me. I probably just need to forget about it. I was set off by seeing that picture of her at a concert with that guy I hate. The worst part of it is, I was originally planning to go see the same concert with an ex whom I'm friends with again, but I canceled because I didn't think it was kosher for me to go to a concert with an ex when I really like my current girl. I'm making steps to be exclusive, and I don't know whether I should even bother.
Author jackmerridew Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 I see. I stand corrected. Was this convo in person? If so, what was her body language/eye contact like? It was over the phone. I guess I'll see her body language and eye contact tonight. But her body language and eye contact is hard to read for me, mostly because she is Vietnamese and just moved to the states 6 years ago. So not all the same rules of engagement when it comes to Western women seem to fit with her. So if anyone here has any tips on how to deal with Vietnamese women, let me know. lol
Star Gazer Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 But her body language and eye contact is hard to read for me, mostly because she is Vietnamese and just moved to the states 6 years ago. So not all the same rules of engagement when it comes to Western women seem to fit with her. So if anyone here has any tips on how to deal with Vietnamese women, let me know. lol That she's only been in the States for 6 years makes this a ripe opportunity for MAJOR miscommunication. You think you've been direct, but I think you've been confusing, and I'm an American and native English speaker! Does she even know what "exclusive" means? How about putting it this way to her tonight: "I want you to be my girlfriend. What do you think about that?"
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 It was over the phone. I guess I'll see her body language and eye contact tonight. But her body language and eye contact is hard to read for me, mostly because she is Vietnamese and just moved to the states 6 years ago. So not all the same rules of engagement when it comes to Western women seem to fit with her. So if anyone here has any tips on how to deal with Vietnamese women, let me know. lol My suggestion is to be traditional. Pay for everything, and treat her family like gold. Be passionate, and don't be afraid to be sexually forward when the appropriate time comes. The ones I know have very strong value systems. Much stronger than those who are American born. Personality wise... women are women, doesn't matter where they come from. Moral systems vary widely though.
Cypress25 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I think I pretty much communicated with her that I want to be exclusive, and she resisted. You think? Pretty much? Look, if you're going to be indirect and wishy-washy about the whole thing, then you deserve what you get. I've never seen a guy beat around the bush so much. And over the phone, no less! She didn't resist, she just took more than 3 seconds to answer you, so you answered for her. See her in person. Tell her what you want, in no uncertain terms. Then ask her if she wants the same thing. And give her a chance to answer! Silence is not an answer. Don't supply the answer for her. This is really very simple, I don't know how you've managed to get it so mixed up.
Author jackmerridew Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 You think? Pretty much? Look, if you're going to be indirect and wishy-washy about the whole thing, then you deserve what you get. I've never seen a guy beat around the bush so much. And over the phone, no less! She didn't resist, she just took more than 3 seconds to answer you, so you answered for her. See her in person. Tell her what you want, in no uncertain terms. Then ask her if she wants the same thing. And give her a chance to answer! Silence is not an answer. Don't supply the answer for her. This is really very simple, I don't know how you've managed to get it so mixed up. She was clear to me. She said she wants more time. I'll gladly give her a bit more time. I guess I just needed to vent my frustration...
zengirl Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 That she's only been in the States for 6 years makes this a ripe opportunity for MAJOR miscommunication. You think you've been direct, but I think you've been confusing, and I'm an American and native English speaker! Does she even know what "exclusive" means? How about putting it this way to her tonight: "I want you to be my girlfriend. What do you think about that?" I agree with this. And give her time! People are so afraid of silence, but you just have to be silent and wait sometimes. . .
Author jackmerridew Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Part of the reason why I feel a sense of urgency is because there seems to be a lot of guys after her. They text her incessantly, call her, ask her out to concerts (like last Friday), and FB message her "Date me." I saw the FB message because it popped up on her phone while we were looking at it, not because I was spying on her FB. I don't do that, I don't check text messages. The guys keep bugging her, and I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but there are ways to get guys to stop bugging you, and she doesn't seem to be doing that. So there's also that. She seems really sincere, and she voluntarily shows me texts these guys send. But at the same time, I can't help but think what she's saying to these guys to keep them coming. I have a hard time believing that there are at least 4 guys out there who can't get a hint.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 The guys keep bugging her, and I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but there are ways to get guys to stop bugging you, and she doesn't seem to be doing that. Yeah, I agree with you here. When I'm in a relationship, I make it very clear to other guys that I am not open to their flirtations. She is probably enjoying the attention.
Pierre Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 You should read about Vietnamese dating culture. Playing hard-to-get is a tradition of Vietnamese women, and it is expected they do not show immediate interest in the man they are dating, to assure that his feelings are moral. Furthermore, Vietnamese women date with the goal of marriage. This woman wants you to step up to the plate. It is up to you to say you are exclusive. She is not the one that has to ask for that.
Author jackmerridew Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 So I think I royally ****ed up. I talked to her last night, and I asked her about the other guys, about whether she liked the attention, and how her moving so fast to be with me confused me. And she was hurt. She was hurt that I interpreted all of her actions as something she does for everyone else. She said that she only did all these things for me because it felt right, including sleeping with me, treating me to a great birthday. She cried last night and this morning, and she barely said a word when she left. I am so scared right now that I ****ed up a wonderful thing because of my petty insecurities. I'm at a loss on what I could say or do to make her feel better about our situation. At this point, I think I just need to give her some space and let her sort it out for herself... What do you guys think?
Cypress25 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 You always think the solution is to give her space and leave her alone. But she didn't ask for that. I'm afraid she would interpret that as you ignoring her because you don't care. The first thing to do is apologize to her. Explain that it was just your insecurity talking, and you now realize that everything she did for you was sincere. Make sure she understands how much you care about her and don't want to lose her. I know it would be easier to do nothing and hope she cleans up the mess you made, but that's not her responsibility. You screwed up, you fix it. Being uncommunicative would not help.
Author jackmerridew Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 You always think the solution is to give her space and leave her alone. But she didn't ask for that. I'm afraid she would interpret that as you ignoring her because you don't care. The first thing to do is apologize to her. Explain that it was just your insecurity talking, and you now realize that everything she did for you was sincere. Make sure she understands how much you care about her and don't want to lose her. I know it would be easier to do nothing and hope she cleans up the mess you made, but that's not her responsibility. You screwed up, you fix it. Being uncommunicative would not help. You may be right. She said she wanted to come over to my place, because she knew I was upset, and she said when she's in a relationship and someone's upset, she doesn't want to let things linger. I guess I'll try calling her tonight ...
Cypress25 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Good! See, she cares about you, she wants to work it out with you. And she said you're in a relationship. These are all good things, yes?
Author jackmerridew Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Good! See, she cares about you, she wants to work it out with you. And she said you're in a relationship. These are all good things, yes? Yes. About the whole exclusive thing, she said she just doesn't want to label me a boyfriend, because she's been hurt in the past real bad, and wants to make sure I'm the right one. I told her I completely understand now and I'm willing to give her time. And she said she doesn't want to date anyone else because she doesn't have the time nor energy for any other guys. And if she cried because of what I said, it's obvious she cares about what I think. Otherwise, she could've just ignored me. And it actually would NOT be easier for me if I just let things along for a while. I desperately want to see her again and talk to her. We're both at work. I hope to God she answers my calls tonight...
Author jackmerridew Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 I felt like by now that I would've proven myself as great boyfriend material, and that I'm worth a shot. But I realize that women go at their own, different paces, and I was only being selfish thinking that she should've been ready for me. Gah.
Pierre Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I felt like by now that I would've proven myself as great boyfriend material, and that I'm worth a shot. But I realize that women go at their own, different paces, and I was only being selfish thinking that she should've been ready for me. Gah. Holy shyte!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why don't you take the time to read about the dating culture in VietNam. You are really ffunckingg up dude. How dare you question her about seeing other men? In Viet nam that is considered highly immoral. You might as well call her a prostitute. I know she has become somewhat Americanized, but dude you need to expand your horizon a little bit. It was up to you to beg for exclusivity and you posed the question in the wrong manner. When she first came to this country she was probably taken to the cleaners with her innocence and naivete about american dating culture. She is trying her best dude. In her culture what she has done for you is unheard off. Over there the MAN takes charge and would never accept money from his date. She is trying to be American and yet you don't see it. She has given you monumental signs of LOVE and you go into a tissy by wanting her to verbally say she wants to be exclusive. It is up to you to court her. It is up to you to ask for the privilege of being her BF. :eek:
Star Gazer Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I think Pierre is being a little...negatively enthusiastic. And she said she doesn't want to date anyone else because she doesn't have the time nor energy for any other guys. This would bother me. It sounds like she's saying she's not seeing anyone else because it would be inconvenient, not because you're the only one she wants to see. Do you know in what way she was hurt in the past?
Author jackmerridew Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Holy shyte!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why don't you take the time to read about the dating culture in VietNam. You are really ffunckingg up dude. How dare you question her about seeing other men? In Viet nam that is considered highly immoral. You might as well call her a prostitute. I know she has become somewhat Americanized, but dude you need to expand your horizon a little bit. It was up to you to beg for exclusivity and you posed the question in the wrong manner. When she first came to this country she was probably taken to the cleaners with her innocence and naivete about american dating culture. She is trying her best dude. In her culture what she has done for you is unheard off. Over there the MAN takes charge and would never accept money from his date. She is trying to be American and yet you don't see it. She has given you monumental signs of LOVE and you go into a tissy by wanting her to verbally say she wants to be exclusive. It is up to you to court her. It is up to you to ask for the privilege of being her BF. :eek: Yes I know I funked it up bad. So bad.
Pierre Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I think Pierre is being a little...negatively enthusiastic. This would bother me. It sounds like she's saying she's not seeing anyone else because it would be inconvenient, not because you're the only one she wants to see. Do you know in what way she was hurt in the past? For the love of god! Stop applying american dating rules to this girl. She is just trying to save face. You guys want her to verbalize the words that are suppose to come from the male. She is simply playing hard to get as per her culture. She has already gone the extra mile.
Author jackmerridew Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 For the love of god! Stop applying american dating rules to this girl. She is just trying to save face. You guys want her to verbalize the words that are suppose to come from the male. She is simply playing hard to get as per her culture. She has already gone the extra mile. I believe you Pierre, and you helped me realize the extent of how funked up I must've sounded. And you helped me remember what she said. She said "I don't just go with other guys and spend time with them like this. I'm not cheap." She said this in tears. You are spot on Pierre. And I am going out of my way to tell her now that I am so sorry and that I misunderstood everything.
Star Gazer Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 For the love of god! Stop applying american dating rules to this girl. She is just trying to save face. You guys want her to verbalize the words that are suppose to come from the male. She is simply playing hard to get as per her culture. She has already gone the extra mile. I thought the words DID come from the male? Didn't he tell her he wanted to be her boyfriend and she said no? What am I missing?
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