Mixed signals: Thought we were exclusive

[jackmerridew]

I've been dating this girl for six weeks. Not a long time I know, but since then, she has put her toothbrush and hair products at my apartment, and I recently celebrated a birthday, where she treated me to a $200 dinner, and bought me a $500 gift.

 

She also says things like she checks my Facebook for weird messages from other girls.

 

But now recently she tells me that we're not exclusive, and even though she's not dating anyone else, the option to do so is still available.

 

She's been the sweetest girl, so I dunno.

 

Has anyone else gotten mixed signals like that? Everything she's done says that we're practically bf/gf, but then she turns around and says that I'm not. It's not a big deal, but then I get confused on how to react when I find out she's hanging out with other guys that want to date her too (although she insists that they're not dates).

 

I just turned 30. I thought things like this would be easier to read by now. *sigh*

[TBH]

hmm... mixed signals indeed. could be a couple of things

 

1) she just wants to keep her options open

2) she wants to be exclusive but wants you to ask her or tell her that you dont want her seeing other guys etc.

 

which one it is or what she's thinking is anyone's guess.

 

but i dont like the sound of her telling you she checks your FB for messages from other women. like she doesnt want to be exclusive but is checking up on you? thats twisted and i wouldnt be happy if my partner told me they were doing that. she obviously thinks its ok, and to me that would be a major put off if she cant see why thats not cool. i mean she might do it but to tell you and thinks thats ok? its not ok in my book.

 

i'm with you though on how things should be easier. i cant stand it when people play games, if only people were honest about how they feel life would be so much easier.

[jackmerridew]

hmm... mixed signals indeed. could be a couple of things

 

1) she just wants to keep her options open

2) she wants to be exclusive but wants you to ask her or tell her that you dont want her seeing other guys etc.

 

which one it is or what she's thinking is anyone's guess.

 

but i dont like the sound of her telling you she checks your FB for messages from other women. like she doesnt want to be exclusive but is checking up on you? thats twisted and i wouldnt be happy if my partner told me they were doing that. she obviously thinks its ok, and to me that would be a major put off if she cant see why thats not cool. i mean she might do it but to tell you and thinks thats ok? its not ok in my book.

 

i'm with you though on how things should be easier. i cant stand it when people play games, if only people were honest about how they feel life would be so much easier.

 

She's been honest with me, AFAIK.

 

Although I did find out last night through Facebook that she went to a concert last weekend with a group of friends, including a guy whom I really don't like (and wants to sleep with her), and she neglected to tell me. She said she forgot. Then I start wondering whether I have any right to be upset, since technically she's not my girlfriend.

 

But then we shower together and have regular sex. And when I talked to her about me finding out about the concert, she knew I was upset, and now she's offering to spend the night at my place tonight just to make me feel better.

 

At this point, I'm inclined to tell her no.

 

Really confusing as hell. And yes, I really like this girl.

[bluenightowl]

hmm... mixed signals indeed. could be a couple of things

 

1) she just wants to keep her options open

2) she wants to be exclusive but wants you to ask her or tell her that you dont want her seeing other guys etc.

 

which one it is or what she's thinking is anyone's guess.

 

but i dont like the sound of her telling you she checks your FB for messages from other women. like she doesnt want to be exclusive but is checking up on you? thats twisted and i wouldnt be happy if my partner told me they were doing that. she obviously thinks its ok, and to me that would be a major put off if she cant see why thats not cool. i mean she might do it but to tell you and thinks thats ok? its not ok in my book.

 

i'm with you though on how things should be easier. i cant stand it when people play games, if only people were honest about how they feel life would be so much easier.

 

I think this FB thing is a big red flag as well as her comment about not being exclusive. 6 weeks isn't that long, but if she has her toothbrush at your place, I'd call her bluff and clear things up one way or the other.

 

What do you want matters more than what she tells you. The power is always in your hands to tell her what you expect and want.

[TBH]

She's been honest with me, AFAIK.

 

Although I did find out last night through Facebook that she went to a concert last weekend with a group of friends, including a guy whom I really don't like (and wants to sleep with her), and she neglected to tell me. She said she forgot. Then I start wondering whether I have any right to be upset, since technically she's not my girlfriend.

 

But then we shower together and have regular sex. And when I talked to her about me finding out about the concert, she knew I was upset, and now she's offering to spend the night at my place tonight just to make me feel better.

 

At this point, I'm inclined to tell her no.

 

Really confusing as hell. And yes, I really like this girl.

 

yeah and doesnt she just know it!

 

its a weird dynamic, IMO. you get upset so she offers to spend the night. She's giving you enough to keep you hanging in there but not enough to make you feel secure which is a classic manipulation technique.

 

if you're getting in too deep then keep clear. heartbreak lies down that road.

[jackmerridew]

I think this FB thing is a big red flag as well as her comment about not being exclusive. 6 weeks isn't that long, but if she has her toothbrush at your place, I'd call her bluff and clear things up one way or the other.

 

What do you want matters more than what she tells you. The power is always in your hands to tell her what you expect and want.

 

What do you think?

 

At this point I'm thinking it might be better if I ask her to take her toothbrush and hair care products out of my place, and maybe even return the $500 gift, because all of that says too much to me, and if she wants to take it slow, we should take it slow for reals.

 

I really do like this girl, and I see a future with her. So I'm not inclined to walk away.

 

Off topic but this is the first time I've returned to Loveshack in four years. Four years ago I went through a terrible breakup, and this was a place of healing for me. Glad to see the community is still incredibly supportive.

[jackmerridew]

yeah and doesnt she just know it!

 

its a weird dynamic, IMO. you get upset so she offers to spend the night. She's giving you enough to keep you hanging in there but not enough to make you feel secure which is a classic manipulation technique.

 

if you're getting in too deep then keep clear. heartbreak lies down that road.

 

I know. In the first four weeks, I think she may have liked me more than I liked her.

 

But she treated me so well on my birthday. I seriously had the best birthday ever, and my feelings for her grew stronger. Stronger than hers probably at this point, which was a miscalculation on my part. I thought it would be reciprocated but I guess not.

 

It is a weird dynamic, and I've never had it this weird where she's willing to bend over backwards for me (she says I make her want to do everything for me), yet still not commit. I guess maybe she's just scared.

[bluenightowl]

What do you think?

 

At this point I'm thinking it might be better if I ask her to take her toothbrush and hair care products out of my place, and maybe even return the $500 gift, because all of that says too much to me, and if she wants to take it slow, we should take it slow for reals.

 

I really do like this girl, and I see a future with her. So I'm not inclined to walk away.

 

Off topic but this is the first time I've returned to Loveshack in four years. Four years ago I went through a terrible breakup, and this was a place of healing for me. Glad to see the community is still incredibly supportive.

 

Why not just talk to her about all of this. Maybe she is scared. I've come across women who fool around and then get scared.. sometime they don't know what they want. They want you to like them, but don't want to get hurt. This happens a lot.

 

I like the idea of taking it slower. There are enough red flags to do that now in any case for YOU. Never forget that YOU need a good stable woman, and if she is marriage material she should understand these things.

[Star Gazer]

Do you want to be exclusive with her? If so, have you told her as much? If you haven't.....why not?

 

Sounds to me like she's waiting on you.

[TBH]

I know. In the first four weeks, I think she may have liked me more than I liked her.

 

But she treated me so well on my birthday. I seriously had the best birthday ever, and my feelings for her grew stronger. Stronger than hers probably at this point, which was a miscalculation on my part. I thought it would be reciprocated but I guess not.

 

It is a weird dynamic, and I've never had it this weird where she's willing to bend over backwards for me (she says I make her want to do everything for me), yet still not commit. I guess maybe she's just scared.

 

sometimes that dynamic is never balanced. you like her more so she backs off, then the balance is switched and as soon as you have them eating out of your hand you go off them a bit.

 

maybe she is scared but i have found that trying to interpret and analyze what someone else is feeling will get you nowhere and make you crazy.

talk to her, tell her exactly how it is for you. thats the only way.

[Ruby Slippers]

Do you want to be exclusive with her? If so, have you told her as much? If you haven't.....why not?

 

Sounds to me like she's waiting on you.

I agree completely.

[jackmerridew]

I agree completely.

 

I actually have expressed that I want to be exclusive with her. That's how I found out that we actually aren't exclusive.

 

She walked around egg shells for a while. I asked her whether we're exclusive, and she replied, "I'm not dating anyone else," and "I don't want to date anyone else now." Then I said, "That means we're not exclusive." And she agreed.

[TBH]

I actually have expressed that I want to be exclusive with her. That's how I found out that we actually aren't exclusive.

 

She walked around egg shells for a while. I asked her whether we're exclusive, and she replied, "I'm not dating anyone else," and "I don't want to date anyone else now." Then I said, "That means we're not exclusive." And she agreed.

 

so basically she said she didnt want to date anyone else, and wasnt dating anyone else, and you took that to mean you arent exclusive?

 

i dont understand how you came to that conclusion when she basically said everything except 'we are exclusive'

[jackmerridew]

so basically she said she didnt want to date anyone else, and wasnt dating anyone else, and you took that to mean you arent exclusive?

 

i dont understand how you came to that conclusion when she basically said everything except 'we are exclusive'

 

Because I asked her a direct question, "Are we exclusive?" It's a yes or no question, not "I'm not dating anyone else." It's probably true she's not dating anyone else, but she's left the option open. I'm a pretty straight shooter, and when I ask questions, I try to communicate them clearly.

 

Besides, she eventually said that she doesn't see us as exclusive.

[TBH]

Because I asked her a direct question, "Are we exclusive?" It's a yes or no question, not "I'm not dating anyone else." It's probably true she's not dating anyone else, but she's left the option open. I'm a pretty straight shooter, and when I ask questions, I try to communicate them clearly.

 

Besides, she eventually said that she doesn't see us as exclusive.

 

fair enough. also alot of it is in how someone says something, not just what they say. I wasnt there so cant really comment properly.

 

shes deffo not shooting straight in any case. whether its worth the hassle to sift through all the bs to get to the truth is up to you of course.

[vsmini]

so basically she said she didnt want to date anyone else, and wasnt dating anyone else, and you took that to mean you arent exclusive?

 

i dont understand how you came to that conclusion when she basically said everything except 'we are exclusive'

 

Because he's being smart. I've known so many couples or pairs of people who were dating where one wanted to be exclusive and the other didn't but used ambiguous terms like "I'm not dating anyone else." or "I'm not looking for anyone else."

 

Sneaky and nice try...but no. WAY too much wiggle room in answering a direct question with "well I'm not looking for anyone else."

 

Are we exclusive? yes or no. Easy to answer.

[jackmerridew]

fair enough. also alot of it is in how someone says something, not just what they say. I wasnt there so cant really comment properly.

 

shes deffo not shooting straight in any case. whether its worth the hassle to sift through all the bs to get to the truth is up to you of course.

 

Well I guess it's pretty clear now, so I'm just gonna tell her we should take it slower, turn down the sex and see each other maybe just once a week.

 

I'd love to hear the women's side of this, if there are any reading this right now.

 

I was always under the impression that the women set the pace of the relationship. If they want to take it slow, then take it slow. It's only these mixed signals that get me confused, and get me more attached than I think I should be.

[TBH]

Because he's being smart. I've known so many couples or pairs of people who were dating where one wanted to be exclusive and the other didn't but used ambiguous terms like "I'm not dating anyone else." or "I'm not looking for anyone else."

 

Sneaky and nice try...but no. WAY too much wiggle room in answering a direct question with "well I'm not looking for anyone else."

 

Are we exclusive? yes or no. Easy to answer.

 

thats true. i just have never been in a situation where I needed to ask. thanks!

[TBH]

Well I guess it's pretty clear now, so I'm just gonna tell her we should take it slower, turn down the sex and see each other maybe just once a week.

 

I'd love to hear the women's side of this, if there are any reading this right now.

 

I was always under the impression that the women set the pace of the relationship. If they want to take it slow, then take it slow. It's only these mixed signals that get me confused, and get me more attached than I think I should be.

 

i am a woman and honestly i have no idea what she is thinking

[vsmini]

I know. In the first four weeks, I think she may have liked me more than I liked her.

 

But she treated me so well on my birthday. I seriously had the best birthday ever, and my feelings for her grew stronger. Stronger than hers probably at this point, which was a miscalculation on my part. I thought it would be reciprocated but I guess not.

 

It is a weird dynamic, and I've never had it this weird where she's willing to bend over backwards for me (she says I make her want to do everything for me), yet still not commit. I guess maybe she's just scared.

 

I hate girls (and guys) that are "scared." What does that even mean anyway? I can understand not enjoying being vulnerable or having your heart potentially break but it's odd to spend $700 on someone's birthday and still be "scared" of a relationship or something more serious. Spending that much on someone you've only been dating for 6 weeks, 6 months or even a year sounds pretty darn serious to me.

 

The bottom line is - no matter how sweet she is, no matter how many things she wants to do for you - she's still not able to commit. that's really all you need to know. Are you willing to stick around for a long time knowing that you may never see her willing to commit to you? If you're not then there could be a lot of frustration for you in the future.

[Cypress25]

I asked her whether we're exclusive, and she replied, "I'm not dating anyone else," and "I don't want to date anyone else now."

 

Sounds to me like she was saying "I want to be exclusive." She was pretty straightforward when she said she doesn't want to date anyone else.

 

Then I said, "That means we're not exclusive." And she agreed.

 

Of course she agreed, because you said it! She can only be exclusive with you if you want to be exclusive with her. And you certainly made it sound like you do not want to be exclusive.

 

I asked her a direct question, "Are we exclusive?" It's a yes or no question

 

Actually, that is not a yes-or-no question because she can't answer for both of you. That's like asking her "Are we in love?" She doesn't know if you're dating other people, so how is she supposed to know what "we" are? She only knows what she is. She made it clear that there is exclusivity on her end; she was probably waiting for you to confirm that there is also exclusivity on your end. Instead, you did the exact opposite.

 

Here's a yes-or-no question for you: "Do you want to be exclusive with me?" Try asking her that.

[jackmerridew]

Sounds to me like she was saying "I want to be exclusive." She was pretty straightforward when she said she doesn't want to date anyone else.

 

 

 

Of course she agreed, because you said it! She can only be exclusive with you if you want to be exclusive with her. And you certainly made it sound like you do not want to be exclusive.

 

 

 

Actually, that is not a yes-or-no question because she can't answer for both of you. That's like asking her "Are we in love?" She doesn't know if you're dating other people, so how is she supposed to know what "we" are? She only knows what she is. She made it clear that there is exclusivity on her end; she was probably waiting for you to confirm that there is also exclusivity on your end. Instead, you did the exact opposite.

 

Here's a yes-or-no question for you: "Do you want to be exclusive with me?" Try asking her that.

 

I know tone is important, so it probably reads here like I was just being presumptuous when I said that.

 

But I asked her the question, she replied the answers above, and I said, "So we're exclusive then." She didn't say anything. Then I said, "So we're not exclusive." She said yes.

[Star Gazer]

I actually have expressed that I want to be exclusive with her. That's how I found out that we actually aren't exclusive.

 

She walked around egg shells for a while. I asked her whether we're exclusive, and she replied, "I'm not dating anyone else," and "I don't want to date anyone else now." Then I said, "That means we're not exclusive." And she agreed.

 

If I were her, I would be very hurt and confused by your response.

 

If we had been seeing each other regularly, we were sleeping together, and I had stuff at your house, and I told you I was not and did not want to date anyone else, the only thing I could possibly mean by that is, "I am exclusive with you."

 

So, if you responded to my confession that I am exclusive with you as you did above, by saying, "That means we're not exclusive," I'd be shocked, probably get a little knot in my throat and might even have to choke back/bat away tears...and would probably start behaving as though we're not exclusive because, well, YOU said you didn't want to be.

 

In short, I think you're grossly misinterpreting this situation and if you end it or pull back or tell her to pick up her stuff, I think you'll be making a big mistake.

[jackmerridew]

If I were her, I would be very hurt and confused by your response.

 

If we had been seeing each other regularly, we were sleeping together, and I had stuff at your house, and I told you I was not and did not want to date anyone else, the only thing I could possibly mean by that is, "I am exclusive with you."

 

So, if you responded to my confession that I am exclusive with you as you did above, by saying, "That means we're not exclusive," I'd be shocked, probably get a little knot in my throat and might even have to choke back/bat away tears...and would probably start behaving as though we're not exclusive because, well, YOU said you didn't want to be.

 

In short, I think you're grossly misinterpreting this situation and if you end it or pull back or tell her to pick up her stuff, I think you'll be making a big mistake.

 

See above post. My first interpretation actually was that we're exclusive, and she didn't say anything. :\

[Star Gazer]

See above post. My first interpretation actually was that we're exclusive, and she didn't say anything. :\

 

I see. I stand corrected.

 

Was this convo in person? If so, what was her body language/eye contact like?