Online profile still up

[Heather333]

I’ve been dating this really great guy for about 2 months now. Everything has been going absolutely great, I feel like I pretty much mail-ordered a guy lol. He seems to absolutely adore me and treats me like absolute gold. From what I can tell, he seems to genuinely care for me, is very considerate, and is very protective of me as well. We talk and see each other very often, and he pretty much wants to see me constantly. He’ll even do stuff like offer to walk half an hour across town to walk me home when I get off of work at night. He even met my parents and sat through an awkward dinner with my mom and step dad lol. I’ve met all his close friends, and he has discussed me/told about me with them and his co-workers. He talks about future plans with me months from now. He’s indicated to me that he’s not seeing any other girls, and I’m pretty confident that he’s not (he actually turned out to be my neighbor in my building so it would be kind of hard to hide). He would do anything for me. I know that he’s much more interested in me than just for sex or anything like that. Basically I’m getting the “things are really going good and will most likely turn into something more committed and serious” vibe.

 

I started to feel anxious a few times that we never had an official ‘the talk’ about our status, like a month in or so. I’ve had some bad experiences in the past, so sometimes I tend to be a little over-analytical and ‘shoot myself in the foot’ when it comes to guys, and let my negative thinking get to me. When I got like that before with this guy, my family and friends who know me well would give me advice to "just enjoy the relationship, from what you’ve said he seems like a really good guy,,you havn’t been dating that long just yet,,, things are going good so just let them progress, and you really just need to chill out and don’t worry about things so much…etc” I’m really happy with him and how the relationship is going right now except for one thing....

 

He still has his plenty of fish profile up (the site where we met), and he still logs in quite often. We’ve only been dating for like 8 weeks, so I don’t know if I have a right to be concerned about this or not. And the last thing I want to do is put unnecessary pressure on something that is good and developing really well. But it really bothers me that he still is somewhat active on there…. we're getting to know eachother and seem to be developing something really good... but it's like he’s still keeping his options open, and I’m assuming probably conversing somewhat with other girls. So now I’m not quite sure what I should do or where I should be, should I keep mine open as well? Am I allowed to still date other guys at this point? Of course, I do have my pof account active too, I may message back a few guys to be polite and such that message me, but he’s the only one that I want to date right now. I kind of wanted to take a break from the site and see where this is going (but when I saw he was still going online I figured I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket just yet either). I’m sure that he probably wouldn’t exactly like the idea of me talking or flirting with other guys as well. I don’t know what to do, I want to keep my head on straight and be smart about this. I really really like him....I don't want to scare him away, maybe I should wait until we’ve been dating a bit longer to make any sort of deal about this.

Edited August 11, 2011 by Heather333

[bluenightowl]

I think you have every right to keep dating other guys, but clearly that's not what you want. You want him and want him to not be dating other woman.

 

I would just talk to him.

[Heather333]

Thanks....I'm not really sure what to say to him though. Like I said, I don't want to put all this anxious pressure on the relationship too soon and end up having a needy "what are we are where do you see this going?" kind of discussion. At this point is it valid for me to express concerns that this online thing is bothering me? Or should I even go and try going on a few dates with a few other guys,, until I do actually hear the "so I want you to be my actual girlfriend (eventually to be honest I do want the security of the label and committment).

 

I want to express to him that although I do really like him and am interested in only dating him and seeing where this is going... the fact that he is still active on a site which the purpose is to meet people to date, bothers me. And I want to inquire how casually I should be taking this as well, if he is still apparantly keeping his options open....

 

Usually I try to play it pretty cool and keep a "don't ask, he'll tell" kind of approach when it comes to dating,,, and sort of 'circular date' until one I like seems interested in something more serious and committed. I like him so I'm confused right now and don't want to make the wrong move.

[bluenightowl]

 

I want to express to him that although I do really like him and am interested in only dating him and seeing where this is going... the fact that he is still active on a site which the purpose is to meet people to date, bothers me. And I want to inquire how casually I should be taking this as well, if he is still apparantly keeping his options open....

 

Usually I try to play it pretty cool and keep a "don't ask, he'll tell" kind of approach when it comes to dating,,, and sort of 'circular date' until one I like seems interested in something more serious and committed. I like him so I'm confused right now and don't want to make the wrong move.

 

If I were you, I'd just ask if he was dating anyone else.

 

To me the concept of circular dating is just to avoid getting hurt right? You have to be prepared that what he might want is different from what you want, but he'll respect you more for calmly telling him how you feel. To me 6-8 weeks is more than enough time to know if like someone. Everyone always has the option to move on at any time even when married, but to know you are not wasting your time I think it perfectly valid.

[FinOuch]

He still has his plenty of fish profile up (the site where we met), and he still logs in quite often. We’ve only been dating for like 8 weeks, so I don’t know if I have a right to be concerned about this or not.

...

I don’t know what to do, I want to keep my head on straight and be smart about this. I really really like him....I don't want to scare him away, maybe I should wait until we’ve been dating a bit longer to make any sort of deal about this.

 

I think I should give you a little backstory on my experience with POF. I met my ex on POF. Great guy (so I thought). Great relationship. Very much so mirrors what you've stated about your relationship with your guy. My guy also kept logging onto POF and after a couple months it started bothering me. It felt to me that even though though we had this really great connection and a ton of potential, he was still keeping an eye on the field. To me, it was like he was saying with his actions "you're great and fun for now, but not what I'm looking for".

I addressed him about his continual POF use. He tried to shrug it off and stated that he only logs on out of boredom, and to my relief he stopped logging on after this discussion. He eventually closed the account.

 

Things continued to go along smashingly well. It felt like a very natural and healthy relationship, and so I stuck around while continuing to develop stronger and stronger feelings for him and believing he was coming along as well.

Nine months into the relationship I told him I loved him - and got the "I'm not there yet, be patient with me" speech. After exercising the patience he had requested for another six months or so....he met a stranger of a girl at an event we were at, and within two weeks dumped me for her.

I can't help but think, in retrospect, that my first instincts that I was great and fun for now, but ultimately not what he was looking for had some merit.

 

 

 

So, from this experience there's a number of points to be made that may pertain to your situation:

1) I do not think your concern is misplaced at all. 8 weeks might not seem like that long, but in actuality a couple of months is plenty of time to figure out if you're into someone enough to try a relationship with them. Yeah, there may be a completely legitimate reason that he continues to log on. He may not be on there out of some ill-intentioned act to keep his options open or because he's not that into you...but the fact that he does continue to log on is a red flag to be cautious.

 

Which brings me to...

2) If his logging on bothers you, then why are YOU logging on? Pot, meet kettle. It's possible that he likes you, but your continual logging on signals to him that you aren't that into him. POF will allow you to perform and tailor searches to find out his activity levels without actually being logged in. Maybe try that for a couple/few weeks and see if his behavior also changes. If it does, then you have your answer. He was following your suit.

 

3) If you do wind up talking to him about it (now or later), be aware that he might correct the behavior...but that doesn't necessarily mean the underlying issue is resolved. He truly may have a desire for something other than what he's got, and is using you as a place to park until something more interesting comes along. Sad but true.

That's not to say don't address this situation at some point. Just that even if you do, exercise caution and don't ignore the red flags! Watch out for signs that he isn't willing to be emotionally available, open, and committed. They can be subtle, but they are there.

 

And finally...

4) I do not advocate avoiding bringing up or pressing an issue to avoid "scaring" a guy a way. I learned the hard way that taking a passive roll and being oh-so-accomodating is a great way to be used as a doormat/placeholder. The reality is that for a relationship to work, you have to be able to communicate not just the good stuff...but the bad as well. Otherwise you wind up with a relationship built on little more than hopes and assumptions, with a high risk of finding out that your hopes were misplaced and your assumptions were wrong wrong wrong. You don't get to know someone and their intentions by not asking the tough questions and objectively examining their words and actions.

Also, not wanting to scare someone off is backwards logic. If all it takes to scare a guy off is displaying displeasure that he's trolling a dating website while involved with you...then is he really someone you want to pursue a deeper relationship with? Probably not. That applies with any of the issues that come up while dating. If bringing up a future with a guy is enough to freak them out, then chances are that future doesn't exist. Etc. Etc. Etc.

So rock the boat with the hope that it doesn't capsize. If it does. Well. Then that boat sucked. Find a more stable one.

[Casablanca]

And finally...

4) I do not advocate avoiding bringing up or pressing an issue to avoid "scaring" a guy a way. I learned the hard way that taking a passive roll and being oh-so-accomodating is a great way to be used as a doormat/placeholder. The reality is that for a relationship to work, you have to be able to communicate not just the good stuff...but the bad as well.

THIS....I cannot echo this enough...now dont pressure him into being exclusive or anything, but just ask him how he feels about the idea of being exclusive...it isnt going to scare a guy away (at least not one worth dating)...he might not be open to it yet and if he isnt, leave it at that and continue seeing him (and date others if the opportunity comes up again)...when to bring it up the second time? I dunno...a month or two later maybe? I've never had to bring it up a second time...every time I asked a girl her thoughts she liked the idea of going exclusive.

[OliveOyl]

I agree with the other posters that you and he should talk. Eight weeks, and having met friends and family, is usually long enough to know whether you want to make the relationship exclusive or not.

 

I wouldn't specifically mention the POF use until after you two have agreed to be exclusive. I might say something like "now that we're exclusive I'm going to take down my online profiles" and see if he follows suit. If he doesn't within a short period of time, then that's a separate conversation.

 

Recently I a did a search on POF and found my BF's profile was still active there (we met on OKC). I was able to see that he had logged into the site in the last 30 days, but not the last week. Our relationship is very good so far and I'm pretty sure he's very happy with me. So I didn't spin off into worrying about him trolling sites for other dates. Still, I didn't want him having an active profile. So I simply reconfirmed that we are exclusive, right? (he said "yes"), and then I told him that I found his POF profile and asked him to disable it. Done by the next day.

 

I know some guys still like feeling they have their "options" or just like poking around online sites even if they're in a committed relationship. For me though, it's clear cut and if my BF hadn't taken his profile down, I would have had to seriously reevaluate the relationship.

[CatNtheHat]

You should just come out and ask him if he wants to be exclusive or if he is interested in dating other people. Even if he isn't ready to be exclusive you can keep seeing him and keep your options open. You can't go wrong with asking him.

[CatNtheHat]

He may be logging in to see if YOU are also logging in...

[thatone]

and as i've pointed out in similar threads, going by my own example, i have set up one night only dates during my travels, and kept in touch with some of those women strictly from afar via the dating sites or facebook or whatever. there is no relationship or even sexual potential since they all live hours away, it's just some common interest and long distance email conversation.

 

so there could be legitimate and harmless reasons for him to be on there. the only way to know is to talk to him about it.

[bluenightowl]

You should just come out and ask him if he wants to be exclusive or if he is interested in dating other people. Even if he isn't ready to be exclusive you can keep seeing him and keep your options open. You can't go wrong with asking him.

 

You can do this, but I find this generally doesn't work. If he says he wants to date other people, I really think the chances of him committing to you are low. As well, if you go along with it, you are headed towards doormat status in his mind. He knows you are okay with leaving things as they are and you'll take what little he gives you. Sure she can date other people, but its clear from the original post, she likes him a lot.

 

I would instead confront him, and then tell him, you are in a different space at the moment and prefer to date someone, one at a time at this stage. He can now do as he pleases.. there is no pressure on him since you are letting him go. Then suggest in future that you might try again at some point.

 

Now he knows where you stand, and it shows you are standing up for yourself. You're not against dating again, just not right now. Now go out there and date others and he might just change his mind.

[Heather333]

ISo rock the boat with the hope that it doesn't capsize. If it does. Well. Then that boat sucked. Find a more stable one.

hahah.... that gave me a good laugh...

 

Thanks so much guys for the advice, it helps a lot. So I think I know my plan of action right now. The consensus seems that I should definitely talk to him and communicate, and I think I know how to be careful enough to do it the proper way.

 

So I took off my pof profile (kettle/pot scenario), well not took off but put it as hidden (also just in case this conversation doesn't go as I would like) and I'm hoping that he will make a note of that. Either way I would feel kind of hypocritical if I end up bringing that up and I'm still active on there as well. After about a month that we were dating I was a whole lot less active on there, but after I saw he was still I figured I should be careful and keep my options open as well.... that's really the only reason I'm still on there. I sometimes just check it out of habit,,, and who knows maybe he does the same thing as well.

 

I'm going to keep it very positive and stuff, and I'm definitely not going to come from a negative or anxious mindset where I approach him all "What are we, where do you see this going??? What have you been up to, why are you still on pof??? I want committment and need to know that you are my boyfriend immediately NOW..." or anything lol.

 

But I am going to say something like.... I think he's a really great guy, and I really appreciate how well he has treated me since we've started dating,,,,but I do have to ask if he is dating anyone else or interested in doing so at this point. Although from his actions and words (minus pof profile) I'm like 95% sure he isn't, but really if we never talk about it you can never know for sure. I want to emphasize that I'm not getting upset or after him or anything... it's more like.... I want him to be honest with me and let me know where he is at.... so that I can assess where I am at and how casually I should be taking this as well. If he does say he does in fact want to be exclusive with me, then I'll bring up the pof thing.

 

And if he were to say that he is or is seeking to date other girls... as much as I like him,,to be honest I think I have learned enough from past experiences to have enough love and respect for myself to put my energies elsewhere. I think my timeline would be a max of maybe like 3 months before I know that I am in an exclusive committed relationship with a guy.

 

And I think I definitely have a right to inquiry about this, especially since very recently we have become intimate,, I should mention. I know I probably should have made sure of this before that point.. but I kind of took it for granted that the relationship seemed to be going so well, before I found out about the pof thing. I might even mention or start off with -that although I think he's a really great guy and etc... maybe I might have jumped the gun a little too soon with the physical stuff before I made sure for a fact that he wasn't doing, or looking to do this with someone else.

 

But I think it might actually go well, earlier this week it seemed like he wanted to talk to me as well. We havn't seen eachother as often as usual, and I ended up hanging out with one of my good guy friends who was in town last week, and then I went off for the weekend for an important family thing without telling him where I was going. It was also his birthday that particular weekend, which I did feel really bad about and apologized for missing. (again we've never had the 'official' talk so I wasn't really sure what is expected or required etc) We were talking via a fb message, and I thought he sounded kind of scarastic and pissy with me, so I was all like "okay you sound kind of upset with me, should we talk about this??"

It turns out he wasn't at all, I just misunderstood his tone (one of the faults of messaging versus face to face talking), but he was like..."but we should definitely talk about this" and then he suggested we should that night, but he put a happy face with it, and then when I didn't get it right away he messaged me again later that day saying that he was home and wanted to still see me if I was interested. I actually fell asleep and didn't get these, but we did end up hanging out for a bit the next night for a little while after I got off work, and he just kissed me for a really long time, held me close and told me how much he missed me.

[thatone]

a) do not tell him that you went out with a male friend.

b) he's probably thinking he did something wrong.

c) considering B, if you apologize about the birthday thing you make your interest and your sense of fairness clear.

 

applying all of the above i suspect your talk will turn out just fine.

[bluenightowl]

hahah.... that gave me a good laugh...

 

Thanks so much guys for the advice, it helps a lot. So I think I know my plan of action right now. The consensus seems that I should definitely talk to him and communicate, and I think I know how to be careful enough to do it the proper way.

 

So I took off my pof profile (kettle/pot scenario), well not took off but put it as hidden (also just in case this conversation doesn't go as I would like) and I'm hoping that he will make a note of that. Either way I would feel kind of hypocritical if I end up bringing that up and I'm still active on there as well. After about a month that we were dating I was a whole lot less active on there, but after I saw he was still I figured I should be careful and keep my options open as well.... that's really the only reason I'm still on there. I sometimes just check it out of habit,,, and who knows maybe he does the same thing as well.

 

I'm going to keep it very positive and stuff, and I'm definitely not going to come from a negative or anxious mindset where I approach him all "What are we, where do you see this going??? What have you been up to, why are you still on pof??? I want committment and need to know that you are my boyfriend immediately NOW..." or anything lol.

 

But I am going to say something like.... I think he's a really great guy, and I really appreciate how well he has treated me since we've started dating,,,,but I do have to ask if he is dating anyone else or interested in doing so at this point. Although from his actions and words (minus pof profile) I'm like 95% sure he isn't, but really if we never talk about it you can never know for sure. I want to emphasize that I'm not getting upset or after him or anything... it's more like.... I want him to be honest with me and let me know where he is at.... so that I can assess where I am at and how casually I should be taking this as well. If he does say he does in fact want to be exclusive with me, then I'll bring up the pof thing.

 

And if he were to say that he is or is seeking to date other girls... as much as I like him,,to be honest I think I have learned enough from past experiences to have enough love and respect for myself to put my energies elsewhere. I think my timeline would be a max of maybe like 3 months before I know that I am in an exclusive committed relationship with a guy.

 

And I think I definitely have a right to inquiry about this, especially since very recently we have become intimate,, I should mention. I know I probably should have made sure of this before that point.. but I kind of took it for granted that the relationship seemed to be going so well, before I found out about the pof thing. I might even mention or start off with -that although I think he's a really great guy and etc... maybe I might have jumped the gun a little too soon with the physical stuff before I made sure for a fact that he wasn't doing, or looking to do this with someone else.

 

But I think it might actually go well, earlier this week it seemed like he wanted to talk to me as well. We havn't seen eachother as often as usual, and I ended up hanging out with one of my good guy friends who was in town last week, and then I went off for the weekend for an important family thing without telling him where I was going. It was also his birthday that particular weekend, which I did feel really bad about and apologized for missing. (again we've never had the 'official' talk so I wasn't really sure what is expected or required etc) We were talking via a fb message, and I thought he sounded kind of scarastic and pissy with me, so I was all like "okay you sound kind of upset with me, should we talk about this??"

It turns out he wasn't at all, I just misunderstood his tone (one of the faults of messaging versus face to face talking), but he was like..."but we should definitely talk about this" and then he suggested we should that night, but he put a happy face with it, and then when I didn't get it right away he messaged me again later that day saying that he was home and wanted to still see me if I was interested. I actually fell asleep and didn't get these, but we did end up hanging out for a bit the next night for a little while after I got off work, and he just kissed me for a really long time, held me close and told me how much he missed me.

 

this sounds good to me. By your post too it sounds like you have a balanced lifestyle, even missing his birthday. I think that's a good thing at this early stage that you couldn't make it, and might even make him want you more because it shows or suggests that you are not too attached just yet.

 

best of luck with it.

[zengirl]

Usually I try to play it pretty cool and keep a "don't ask, he'll tell" kind of approach when it comes to dating,,, and sort of 'circular date' until one I like seems interested in something more serious and committed. I like him so I'm confused right now and don't want to make the wrong move.

 

Better to do something now than let the worry build up. It's when the worry builds up that the crazy comes, and that's when you really make the wrong move.

 

It's super simple---the next time you're hanging out with him, cuddling, whatever, just say something like, "I'm really glad I met you. These past couple months have been awesome. What would you think about being my boyfriend?"

 

If he's NOT into it now and it freaks him out, you've just found out he's a commitmentphobe and saved yourself months and heartache.

 

That said, after you say it, give him TIME to respond. Don't let silence freak you out. Let him find his words, listen to his words, and accept his words. I'd find it odd to not be ready, but his "not being ready" doesn't equal he's "scared away." Just make sure you don't put pressure on it. Bringing up the subject is not putting pressure on it. Freaking out if his answer isn't perfect is.

 

From your description, I think his answer will likely be a "Yes" unless he has commitment issues. He's probably just logging in when the site sends him mail or something.

 

He may be logging in to see if YOU are also logging in...

 

True. Guys often don't know to create a blank account just for this purpose.

 

(Yes, I do that.)

 

FTR, I took down my OKC profile after three dates with my current BF. He didn't log in again for about a week, but then immediately took his down; I assume after seeing mine was down. The guy before that I met online changed his to Seeing Someone right away and then took his down by the end of the month. I'd find it really weird if a guy was still online and listed as Single two months into dating, but that's just not how I roll.

[bluenightowl]

 

If he's NOT into it now and it freaks him out, you've just found out he's a commitmentphobe and saved yourself months and heartache.

 

That said, after you say it, give him TIME to respond. Don't let silence freak you out. Let him find his words, listen to his words, and accept his words. I'd find it odd to not be ready, but his "not being ready" doesn't equal he's "scared away." Just make sure you don't put pressure on it. Bringing up the subject is not putting pressure on it. Freaking out if his answer isn't perfect is.

 

 

This is good advice. I would not freak out either, as you say you discover he says "he's not being ready", I do think one needs to consider what you want.

 

At this point you have too choices, continue to hang out and wait and wonder if he'll ever want to be your BF, or give him space and disengage for now.. perhaps even suggest taking a break for the moment in a calm manner.

[zengirl]

This is good advice. I would not freak out either, as you say you discover he says "he's not being ready", I do think one needs to consider what you want.

 

At this point you have too choices, continue to hang out and wait and wonder if he'll ever want to be your BF, or give him space and disengage for now.. perhaps even suggest taking a break for the moment in a calm manner.

 

Well, he might BE ready too! She won't know till she asks him.

[KathyM]

I’ve been dating this really great guy for about 2 months now. Everything has been going absolutely great, I feel like I pretty much mail-ordered a guy lol. He seems to absolutely adore me and treats me like absolute gold. From what I can tell, he seems to genuinely care for me, is very considerate, and is very protective of me as well. We talk and see each other very often, and he pretty much wants to see me constantly. He’ll even do stuff like offer to walk half an hour across town to walk me home when I get off of work at night. He even met my parents and sat through an awkward dinner with my mom and step dad lol. I’ve met all his close friends, and he has discussed me/told about me with them and his co-workers. He talks about future plans with me months from now. He’s indicated to me that he’s not seeing any other girls, and I’m pretty confident that he’s not (he actually turned out to be my neighbor in my building so it would be kind of hard to hide). He would do anything for me. I know that he’s much more interested in me than just for sex or anything like that. Basically I’m getting the “things are really going good and will most likely turn into something more committed and serious” vibe.

 

I started to feel anxious a few times that we never had an official ‘the talk’ about our status, like a month in or so. I’ve had some bad experiences in the past, so sometimes I tend to be a little over-analytical and ‘shoot myself in the foot’ when it comes to guys, and let my negative thinking get to me. When I got like that before with this guy, my family and friends who know me well would give me advice to "just enjoy the relationship, from what you’ve said he seems like a really good guy,,you havn’t been dating that long just yet,,, things are going good so just let them progress, and you really just need to chill out and don’t worry about things so much…etc” I’m really happy with him and how the relationship is going right now except for one thing....

 

He still has his plenty of fish profile up (the site where we met), and he still logs in quite often. We’ve only been dating for like 8 weeks, so I don’t know if I have a right to be concerned about this or not. And the last thing I want to do is put unnecessary pressure on something that is good and developing really well. But it really bothers me that he still is somewhat active on there…. we're getting to know eachother and seem to be developing something really good... but it's like he’s still keeping his options open, and I’m assuming probably conversing somewhat with other girls. So now I’m not quite sure what I should do or where I should be, should I keep mine open as well? Am I allowed to still date other guys at this point? Of course, I do have my pof account active too, I may message back a few guys to be polite and such that message me, but he’s the only one that I want to date right now. I kind of wanted to take a break from the site and see where this is going (but when I saw he was still going online I figured I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket just yet either). I’m sure that he probably wouldn’t exactly like the idea of me talking or flirting with other guys as well. I don’t know what to do, I want to keep my head on straight and be smart about this. I really really like him....I don't want to scare him away, maybe I should wait until we’ve been dating a bit longer to make any sort of deal about this.

Some men (and some women) go on that site even if they aren't interested in dating anybody else anymore. Kind of a curiosity thing, I guess. Or an ego thing. Or it could mean he's not sure your relationship is going to last or is the right one, so he's not ready to shut down his options yet. Maybe you could broach the subject with him tactfully. Maybe you could tell him that guys have been contacting you on plenty of fish, but you're not really interested in dating anyone else because you kind of wanted to see where this relationship goes, and you're thinking of taking off your profile. That will get him to respond--either he will suggest you both take your profiles off, or he'll let you know he's not at the point yet to be exclusive. It would be good to know one way or the other. I think you should give it another month though before having that talk, but do have it if he is still on there a month from now.

[NursingGirl]

I think I should give you a little backstory on my experience with POF. I met my ex on POF. Great guy (so I thought). Great relationship. Very much so mirrors what you've stated about your relationship with your guy. My guy also kept logging onto POF and after a couple months it started bothering me. It felt to me that even though though we had this really great connection and a ton of potential, he was still keeping an eye on the field. To me, it was like he was saying with his actions "you're great and fun for now, but not what I'm looking for".

I addressed him about his continual POF use. He tried to shrug it off and stated that he only logs on out of boredom, and to my relief he stopped logging on after this discussion. He eventually closed the account.

 

Things continued to go along smashingly well. It felt like a very natural and healthy relationship, and so I stuck around while continuing to develop stronger and stronger feelings for him and believing he was coming along as well.

Nine months into the relationship I told him I loved him - and got the "I'm not there yet, be patient with me" speech. After exercising the patience he had requested for another six months or so....he met a stranger of a girl at an event we were at, and within two weeks dumped me for her.

I can't help but think, in retrospect, that my first instincts that I was great and fun for now, but ultimately not what he was looking for had some merit.

 

 

 

So, from this experience there's a number of points to be made that may pertain to your situation:

1) I do not think your concern is misplaced at all. 8 weeks might not seem like that long, but in actuality a couple of months is plenty of time to figure out if you're into someone enough to try a relationship with them. Yeah, there may be a completely legitimate reason that he continues to log on. He may not be on there out of some ill-intentioned act to keep his options open or because he's not that into you...but the fact that he does continue to log on is a red flag to be cautious.

 

Which brings me to...

2) If his logging on bothers you, then why are YOU logging on? Pot, meet kettle. It's possible that he likes you, but your continual logging on signals to him that you aren't that into him. POF will allow you to perform and tailor searches to find out his activity levels without actually being logged in. Maybe try that for a couple/few weeks and see if his behavior also changes. If it does, then you have your answer. He was following your suit.

 

3) If you do wind up talking to him about it (now or later), be aware that he might correct the behavior...but that doesn't necessarily mean the underlying issue is resolved. He truly may have a desire for something other than what he's got, and is using you as a place to park until something more interesting comes along. Sad but true.

That's not to say don't address this situation at some point. Just that even if you do, exercise caution and don't ignore the red flags! Watch out for signs that he isn't willing to be emotionally available, open, and committed. They can be subtle, but they are there.

 

And finally...

4) I do not advocate avoiding bringing up or pressing an issue to avoid "scaring" a guy a way. I learned the hard way that taking a passive roll and being oh-so-accomodating is a great way to be used as a doormat/placeholder. The reality is that for a relationship to work, you have to be able to communicate not just the good stuff...but the bad as well. Otherwise you wind up with a relationship built on little more than hopes and assumptions, with a high risk of finding out that your hopes were misplaced and your assumptions were wrong wrong wrong. You don't get to know someone and their intentions by not asking the tough questions and objectively examining their words and actions.

Also, not wanting to scare someone off is backwards logic. If all it takes to scare a guy off is displaying displeasure that he's trolling a dating website while involved with you...then is he really someone you want to pursue a deeper relationship with? Probably not. That applies with any of the issues that come up while dating. If bringing up a future with a guy is enough to freak them out, then chances are that future doesn't exist. Etc. Etc. Etc.

So rock the boat with the hope that it doesn't capsize. If it does. Well. Then that boat sucked. Find a more stable one.

 

 

This my all time favorite post as long as I have been here. It is just absolutely spot on! THANK YOU!!!

 

P.S. Had a bf who kept his profile up but stopped logging on (I cancelled mine as soon as I knew I liked him). I would do a search now and then to see if he had deleted it and low and behold, one day I checked, and he had logged in! WHY after three months of exclusive dating did he log in?:/ He said he was just "people watching". What? What he was actually doing (in MY words) is searching women's profiles on a dating site where we met. Then, he STILL didn't take his profile down. Done. I'm glad I didn't invest any more time in him (but he totally had me sold. He was awesome and I thought, really into me.)

[bluenightowl]

This my all time favorite post as long as I have been here. It is just absolutely spot on! THANK YOU!!!

 

P.S. Had a bf who kept his profile up but stopped logging on (I cancelled mine as soon as I knew I liked him). I would do a search now and then to see if he had deleted it and low and behold, one day I checked, and he had logged in! WHY after three months of exclusive dating did he log in?:/ He said he was just "people watching". What? What he was actually doing (in MY words) is searching women's profiles on a dating site where we met. Then, he STILL didn't take his profile down. Done. I'm glad I didn't invest any more time in him (but he totally had me sold. He was awesome and I thought, really into me.)

 

hmm. This is interesting. I do think when people look at profiles at the very least its an indication they are not sure. It doesn't mean they are dating anyone or even planning on it. It might just mean they are unsure and have doubts. It may also be that many people don't have the moral boundaries people used to have and are much more into instant gratification sadly, but whatever, that should be a red flag nonetheless.

 

I do believe when you meet someone you really like, you don't feel the need to search online profiles and if you are getting intimate, there's a much bigger chance your emotions are going to get really messed up if you leave things unclear.

[NursingGirl]

hmm. This is interesting. I do think when people look at profiles at the very least its an indication they are not sure. It doesn't mean they are dating anyone or even planning on it. It might just mean they are unsure and have doubts. It may also be that many people don't have the moral boundaries people used to have and are much more into instant gratification sadly, but whatever, that should be a red flag nonetheless.

 

I do believe when you meet someone you really like, you don't feel the need to search online profiles and if you are getting intimate, there's a much bigger chance your emotions are going to get really messed up if you leave things unclear.

 

Yep. When I told him I knew he had logged in and it bothered me (sexually involved/exclusive/dating 3 months) he STILL didn't delete it. In fact, he minimized that I thought it was a trust issue for me. What does he know, it's MY feeling I'm telling HIM about! lol I know what I feel and after that, I couldn't trust him and I most certainly couldn't continue sleeping with him and pretending like everything was ok. Sheesh.

[bluenightowl]

Yep. When I told him I knew he had logged in and it bothered me (sexually involved/exclusive/dating 3 months) he STILL didn't delete it. In fact, he minimized that I thought it was a trust issue for me. What does he know, it's MY feeling I'm telling HIM about! lol I know what I feel and after that, I couldn't trust him and I most certainly couldn't continue sleeping with him and pretending like everything was ok. Sheesh.

 

Just to add, I'm a guy and I've seen woman play the same games.. not many but a few. As has been said time and again on here, watch the actions not the words. Both woman and men will say anything, and sometimes unknowingly to themselves. Our job is to look after ourselves. I think you made the right decision NursingGirl.

[NursingGirl]

Just to add, I'm a guy and I've seen woman play the same games.. not many but a few. As has been said time and again on here, watch the actions not the words. Both woman and men will say anything, and sometimes unknowingly to themselves. Our job is to look after ourselves. I think you made the right decision NursingGirl.

 

 

Thank you! You know, after he minimized it, my first reaction was to wonder if I was overreacting. But I KNOW what I feel and I also searched the dating forums here and there are an excessive amount of threads on this topic. It appears that the majority thinks that this is a violation of trust when dating exclusively and being sexually involved. I didn't have any red flags prior to this...he contacted me every day but one from the first date, he was always polite and actually wonderful. But you never really know what a person is like until the first conflict and this was ours. He appeared arrogant, uncommunicative, dismissive, uncompromising and emotionally constipated. heehee I didn't even attack him and order him to delete his profile. All I did was tell him how I felt. I used "I" messages. I even complimented him and told him what a great time I had when I was with him. He still dismissed my feelings, said if I have a trust issue that it's not about the profile (WHAT???) and did not offer to remove it. I was pretty shocked. Thank god it was only 3 months of time and emotion invested. Sorry, still venting, lol.

 

Live and learn.

[bluenightowl]

Thank you! You know, after he minimized it, my first reaction was to wonder if I was overreacting. But I KNOW what I feel and I also searched the dating forums here and there are an excessive amount of threads on this topic. It appears that the majority thinks that this is a violation of trust when dating exclusively and being sexually involved. I didn't have any red flags prior to this...he contacted me every day but one from the first date, he was always polite and actually wonderful. But you never really know what a person is like until the first conflict and this was ours. He appeared arrogant, uncommunicative, dismissive, uncompromising and emotionally constipated. heehee I didn't even attack him and order him to delete his profile. All I did was tell him how I felt. I used "I" messages. I even complimented him and told him what a great time I had when I was with him. He still dismissed my feelings, said if I have a trust issue that it's not about the profile (WHAT???) and did not offer to remove it. I was pretty shocked. Thank god it was only 3 months of time and emotion invested. Sorry, still venting, lol.

 

Live and learn.

 

Yes, good job! You might have saved yourself from a lot of grief. Its also a fairly strong thing to do to end something when you have feelings for them.

 

And yes, being exclusive, intimate, and then searching forums to me is a deal breaker. I even feel people under estimate the power of sex in dating. Its creates so much mixed feelings about being used or not, exclusive or not assumed etc.

 

That all said, I think the key message for the original poster is to COMMUNICATE. Tell him what you want. That's the only way IMHO.

[NursingGirl]

Yes, good job! You might have saved yourself from a lot of grief. Its also a fairly strong thing to do to end something when you have feelings for them.

 

And yes, being exclusive, intimate, and then searching forums to me is a deal breaker. I even feel people under estimate the power of sex in dating. Its creates so much mixed feelings about being used or not, exclusive or not assumed etc.

 

That all said, I think the key message for the original poster is to COMMUNICATE. Tell him what you want. That's the only way IMHO.

 

You've made me feel a tad bit better about men, thanks. We waited three weeks until we were sexually involved, which seems to be an eternity these days! I think we women SAY we think it's ok to be sexually involved early (and trust me, we want to;)) but I'll speak for myself and say it does create some emotions that are hard to casually deal with early in a relationship.