Owl Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 The BS, IMO, seems weak - willed when dealing directly with her WH. That's why she is so sweet to him on the phone. When she talks to her "bulldog" lawyer, the lawyer who is not afraid in any way of MM, makes more demands. Or, she's trying a well-proven marriage recovery method. She'll talk with him about marriage/reconciliation...and let her lawyer talk with him about divorce. It leaves it up to the MM to figure out which he's going to choose to interact with. Personally...I think his wife is smart for getting a bulldog lawyer. What MM may have thought was a "generous package" may well have not seemed so generous to her or her lawyer. Letting her lawyer do what he's being paid to do is a smart thing...most people aren't that wise.
findingnemo Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Or, she's trying a well-proven marriage recovery method. She'll talk with him about marriage/reconciliation...and let her lawyer talk with him about divorce. It leaves it up to the MM to figure out which he's going to choose to interact with. Personally...I think his wife is smart for getting a bulldog lawyer. What MM may have thought was a "generous package" may well have not seemed so generous to her or her lawyer. Letting her lawyer do what he's being paid to do is a smart thing...most people aren't that wise. I hadn't thought of that.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I don't think spitfire DL will be with MM too terribly much longer anyways. 2 years or so maybe. There is too much responsibility and not too much reality being dumped on the W. Whereas many relationships can stabilize based on two people triangulating against a third, this one seems to be showing cracks in the foundation already. And without that third person to triangulate against being around for too terribly much longer, they will have to find a substitute. (although my parents have done this for 36 years, people have cycled in very frequently and they have managed to develop this my father is the alcoholic that needs extra care, my mother shields him, he lashes out at people and she takes the hits. They "can't trust" anyone else. When my mother got sick, he quickly replaced her with a mistress. When my mother got well they triangulated against the mistress. They triangulate against me like pros too, no one is exempt). Too bad a relationship like that is horribly toxic and neither one of them can have any outside friends as they get older. Truly I think the "BS from Hell" is the only reason this relationship is "working" at all.
YeahDotDotDot Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 The BS surely didn't mean what she said literally, so why are people behaving like the MM meant what he said literally?
Owl Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Even if it wasn't literal...it was still a pretty tasteless comment given the betrayal he's already heaping on her. It says quite a bit about him, IMHO.
bentnotbroken Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 The BS surely didn't mean what she said literally, so why are people behaving like the MM meant what he said literally? I don't know that he meant it or not. I do know based only on what Daisy posts, he has some really manipulative controlling personality issues. If he can't control BS, what would he do to get his way? He has gone out of his way to do dirt, I can't say with any certainty that he won't do what he says. Can you?
YeahDotDotDot Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Even if it wasn't literal...it was still a pretty tasteless comment given the betrayal he's already heaping on her. It says quite a bit about him, IMHO. I think it says quite a bit about all three of them. Sorry, but none of them sound very mature.
MissBee Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I think it says quite a bit about all three of them. Sorry, but none of them sound very mature. Yes, I thought the same thing. The three of them have their work cut out for them....soooo goodluck!
dreamingoftigers Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I think it says quite a bit about all three of them. Sorry, but none of them sound very mature. 110% agreed. Everyone is trying to control everyone else and no one seems to have any self-control.
MissBee Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I don't think spitfire DL will be with MM too terribly much longer anyways. 2 years or so maybe. There is too much responsibility and not too much reality being dumped on the W. Whereas many relationships can stabilize based on two people triangulating against a third, this one seems to be showing cracks in the foundation already. And without that third person to triangulate against being around for too terribly much longer, they will have to find a substitute. (although my parents have done this for 36 years, people have cycled in very frequently and they have managed to develop this my father is the alcoholic that needs extra care, my mother shields him, he lashes out at people and she takes the hits. They "can't trust" anyone else. When my mother got sick, he quickly replaced her with a mistress. When my mother got well they triangulated against the mistress. They triangulate against me like pros too, no one is exempt). Too bad a relationship like that is horribly toxic and neither one of them can have any outside friends as they get older. Truly I think the "BS from Hell" is the only reason this relationship is "working" at all. This is a mess...but sounds very familiar and similar to a relationship my "friend" and her bf have...smh....we all keep feeling bad for her, then realize, as much as she complains and all the drama and triangulation, she obviously feels comfortable with that toxic setup and they do the SAME thing as your parents. I even say "friend" as quite frankly we're associates now, as neither her or her bf can sustain friendships as their relationship ruins everyone else's life.
YeahDotDotDot Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I don't know that he meant it or not. I do know based only on what Daisy posts, he has some really manipulative controlling personality issues. If he can't control BS, what would he do to get his way? He has gone out of his way to do dirt, I can't say with any certainty that he won't do what he says. Can you? No, but I'll tell you one thing though, if a sane person thought he was capable of such an act, a sane person would have never mentioned such a thing. Furthermore, I would never demonize any of the people involved in this situation, but the fact that she said it makes me wonder if they have more in common than some are willing to admit. Speaking of possibilities, is it ever possible for two people with personality issues to marry?
MissBee Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 No, but I'll tell you one thing though, if a sane person thought he was capable of such an act, a sane person would have never mentioned such a thing. Furthermore, I would never demonize any of the people involved in this situation, but the fact that she said it makes me wonder if they have more in common than some are willing to admit. Speaking of possibilities, is it ever possible for two people with personality issues to marry? Yes....I think some personality issues are a magnet for other types of personality issues. Like codependent people tend to get with narcissists as a pattern. So yea, it's possible. Will it last or be healthy? That's another matter.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Ha ha, they get married all the time! Then one of them starts posting on Loveshack
YeahDotDotDot Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 110% agreed. Everyone is trying to control everyone else and no one seems to have any self-control. ^^^^^^this
bentnotbroken Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 No, but I'll tell you one thing though, if a sane person thought he was capable of such an act, a sane person would have never mentioned such a thing. Furthermore, I would never demonize any of the people involved in this situation, but the fact that she said it makes me wonder if they have more in common than some are willing to admit. Speaking of possibilities, is it ever possible for two people with personality issues to marry? I agree that Daisy and MM do not display(based only on Daisy's post)any type of adult behavior. As for as BS, maybe she is immature and maybe she is dealing the best she can and maybe nothing Daisy has said about her is true. We only know what posts and her opinion is less than stellar or objective.
YeahDotDotDot Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Ha ha, they get married all the time! Then one of them starts posting on Loveshack Yes, none of us are perfect, except well...you know...
YeahDotDotDot Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I agree that Daisy and MM do not display(based only on Daisy's post)any type of adult behavior. As for as BS, maybe she is immature and maybe she is dealing the best she can and maybe nothing Daisy has said about her is true. We only know what posts and her opinion is less than stellar or objective. Yes, an objective opinion is hard to come by... I hope we wouldn't have to second guess everything she says.
nyrias Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 And for the record...as far as my wife's xOM was concerned...I really was the BS from hell! Once I knew the score, it took me less than two hours from knowing nothing more than his name and email address to knowing where he lived, where he worked, what he drove, how many kids he had and how much child support and alimony he was paying his ex-wife. Hope she doesn't get smarter than she's been so far, or you could really have a "BS from hell" on your hands. If she wises up...she really COULD make your life miserable...all the while taking him to the cleaners. Why would you expect her to do any less? I didn't see the OP being shocked of the behavior. She is just asking about strategies to deal with it. And the battle lines are pretty well drawn. Why would you expect the OP not to fight?
Owl Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 (edited) My lover man told W that he wanted a D and he laid forth a VERY GENEROUS settlement.At first, BS said they wold get a D over her dead body. Then my love told her he could make that happen and then her attitude changed and she got real sweet. Then she wanted to try to fix everything and my love told her to get out of town. Then she acted like she didn't care and we thought that everything was going to be real good.Now she's being really passive aggressive and acting like a total b*itch. She will call him on the phone and be all nicey nice and try to talk about old times and crap and agree to what he says, and then she will have her lawyer send him some stupid thing over the settlement! Like she told him she agreed to his terms on keeping the house. He told her she could keep the house and it was this many dollars in value. She said ok to him on the phone. Then her stupid lawyer send him notice that it's not ok and she wants more! He will talk to her on the phone about it, and she's all sweet as pie again!I told him a whole lot of times to STOP TALKING to her! He should let his lawyers take care of everything cuz that's what he paid them for you know? But he insists on talking to her and try to get her to make nice and go away. But then he gets all upset again and real grumpy! I suggested again sweetly with a kiss that he GO NC and he was real pissed about everything and he told me to mind my own business.What should I do?? She is making my life MISERABLE!! Sounds to me like she absolutely expected the wife to just quietly accept whatever it was that MM offered as settlement and go quietly away. If not shocked, she sure seems offended the this lady didn't just step off so that the her and her "lover man" could be together. As far as not expecting the OP to fight...she's NOT fighting. She's complaining about the situation. As I understand it...the wife still doesn't know about the affair. So there's no "fighting" to be had by either woman at this point...it's not an equal contest. BW doesn't know what she's up against here, in reality. Frankly...I think DL should INSIST that MM tell the truth...let the wife know the full situation of what's going on...THEN I'd be interested in listening to someone argue about "fighting" for the relationship. Edited August 15, 2011 by Owl
Severely Unamused Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Sounds to me like she absolutely expected the wife to just quietly accept whatever it was that MM offered as settlement and go quietly away. If not shocked, she sure seems offended the this lady didn't just step off so that the her and her "lover man" could be together. Yep. Considering how muddy divorces can get, I wouldn't exactly expect the BW to go skipping off into a meadow for the sake of "true love". Who is this Daisy anyway? I find her positivity to be an infectious contrast to the usual. I was having a bad day, but this thread has changed that.
Spark1111 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Sounds to me like she absolutely expected the wife to just quietly accept whatever it was that MM offered as settlement and go quietly away. If not shocked, she sure seems offended the this lady didn't just step off so that the her and her "lover man" could be together. As far as not expecting the OP to fight...she's NOT fighting. She's complaining about the situation. As I understand it...the wife still doesn't know about the affair. So there's no "fighting" to be had by either woman at this point...it's not an equal contest. BW doesn't know what she's up against here, in reality. Frankly...I think DL should INSIST that MM tell the truth...let the wife know the full situation of what's going on...THEN I'd be interested in listening to someone argue about "fighting" for the relationship. And it is sad, isn't it? When an OW is told how miserable the loveless marriage is and how they live like roommates, she assumes divorce is as easy as shooting the dead horse! What a shock to realize that divorce is always contentious, especially when lawyers and big bucks are concerned. The real shocker would be if the wife discovers the affair. Either she will reel in pain from it and shock everyone as in, Jeez, maybe she really loved the guy, or come after him with all legal barrels loaded for bear. I think back to Elin Woods. A woman who does not love the man, calls the attorneys and settles for half of the fortune quietly and quickly. But charging down the drive with a nine iron? Nah, she loved him big time!
jwi71 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 First...I am so sorry DL how your thread has turned out and some of the replies. I guess it is par for the course though unfortunately. When I was in my situation there was a song that my sorta local radio station used to play back in the day, and it reminded me of DM's exW, like these were her words...I think the name was, "They're coming to take me away" by Napoleon XIV. All I can say is it's insanity dealing with such personalities, and it looks like you've got one too ...what I can suggest is when it gets to be too much, take some time for you because IT WILL be frustrating because you are not dealing with a rational individual. Maintain your sanity the best you can....(((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Per the bolded... Why is it "insanity" for this MM to be on the receiving end of what he has been dishing for so long? Tell me DL...you and your MM were doing to the W exactly what you now rave about here...namely present one face to her in person and another when she is away (aka an A). Why is it ok for him to treat her like that but not her to treat him like that? As for how to handle it all, the original question...are you serious? Didn't your MM to you to mind your own business? Its something I think you need to get used to hearing...there are simply going to be, from the portrait you paint of him, aspects of his life you are NOT to question. Its none of your business. Get used to it.
herenow Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Maybe the BW just has a really good lawyer. Maybe the lawyer has advised the BW to be agreeable and let the lawyer be the "bad guy". After all, that is what the lawyer is getting paid to do. On the other hand, it sounds like this MM has a temper. Maybe the "dead body" comment was a joke (not a funny one however), but it sounds more like he is just an unhappy baby that isn't getting his way. Then he tells DL to "mind her own business". Poor baby unhappy again that things aren't going the way he wants. Daisy, to make your baby happy, do what he wants. His BW isn't really interested in his happiness at this point and you see how it frustrates him, so get on board and do whatever he wants and your baby will be happy. You are right, this is the BW from hell. She has managed to send her STBXH back to his OW unhappy and frustrated. In turn making the OW frustrated as well. Sounds like she has the upper hand in the emotional and soon financial aspect of the triangle. Good work BW, may others learn from your example.
bentnotbroken Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 You know I have wondered when the MM actually turned on that biotch button. Was it when he was gas lighting her. Was it when he was hiding assets? Was it when he came home smelling like something other than his deodorant? Was it DL? Who actually turned on the biotch switch? Seems kind of pointless to complain about it now. When you create the person, you should be happy with your handy work.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Maybe the BW just has a really good lawyer. Maybe the lawyer has advised the BW to be agreeable and let the lawyer be the "bad guy". After all, that is what the lawyer is getting paid to do. On the other hand, it sounds like this MM has a temper. Maybe the "dead body" comment was a joke (not a funny one however), but it sounds more like he is just an unhappy baby that isn't getting his way. Then he tells DL to "mind her own business". Poor baby unhappy again that things aren't going the way he wants. Daisy, to make your baby happy, do what he wants. His BW isn't really interested in his happiness at this point and you see how it frustrates him, so get on board and do whatever he wants and your baby will be happy. You are right, this is the BW from hell. She has managed to send her STBXH back to his OW unhappy and frustrated. In turn making the OW frustrated as well. Sounds like she has the upper hand in the emotional and soon financial aspect of the triangle. Good work BW, may others learn from your example. I think I have always really enjoyed your posting.
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