alexandria35 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 My lover man told W that he wanted a D and he laid forth a VERY GENEROUS settlement.At first, BS said they wold get a D over her dead body. Then my love told her he could make that happen and then her attitude changed and she got real sweet. Then she wanted to try to fix everything and my love told her to get out of town. Then she acted like she didn't care and we thought that everything was going to be real good.Now she's being really passive aggressive and acting like a total b*itch. She will call him on the phone and be all nicey nice and try to talk about old times and crap and agree to what he says, and then she will have her lawyer send him some stupid thing over the settlement! Like she told him she agreed to his terms on keeping the house. He told her she could keep the house and it was this many dollars in value. She said ok to him on the phone. Then her stupid lawyer send him notice that it's not ok and she wants more! He will talk to her on the phone about it, and she's all sweet as pie again!I told him a whole lot of times to STOP TALKING to her! He should let his lawyers take care of everything cuz that's what he paid them for you know? But he insists on talking to her and try to get her to make nice and go away. But then he gets all upset again and real grumpy! I suggested again sweetly with a kiss that he GO NC and he was real pissed about everything and he told me to mind my own business.What should I do?? She is making my life MISERABLE!! I don't think the wife is a bitch, I think the MM is a prick who will badger his wife until she agrees with him. She probably agrees with him when he talks to her because she doesn't want to be bullied or yelled at, but then when she tells her lawyer what her husband expects her to agree to, the lawyer probablys goes "HELL NO"!
seren Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Yep, as a now married OW, i can help. Mind your own business. Their marriage, the end of it, and the settlements are not your concern. I stayed completely out of my husband's divorce because it was between the two of them, NOT me, and I STILL don't know what their financial settlement was and I don't care because it wasn't my business. So listen when he tells you to back off. And she doesn't sound like the BS from hell, just like a normal woman who is fighting for what is rightfully hers. Just wait until her stupid lawyer finds out about all of the hidden money! Class answer Angelina. I just think the tone of Daisy's posts pee people off. However, have to say, she is saying, albeit in a way that pees people off way, much the same as a lot of people who come here. Daisy, just hold back, let him end the marriage in his way, just be there for support, but guard you heart until it is over and the dust settled as I think this may be a bumpy ride. As some have said, it is their marriage, their divorce. The BS isn't being bitchy, just ensuring she is getting her due and yes, there may be a degree of payback involved. have to say, when the OW told me she expected my H to sell our home and take our savings I thought, and here's me have contributed all these years, worked my butt off, made dreams for our retirement etc only to have it turned to dust. Try to understand she is hurting and he is listening to her sweet nothings, so be wary. A D is so very hard, especially when one of them didn't want it or see it coming. Try empathy, try being there for support and letting him sort out his marriage. I don't think she is being unreasonable, had we divorced and there was OW waiting to step into my future, I would have made this BS look like Mary Poppins.
alexandria35 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 The BW is being a b*tch - playing Good Cop in person and letting the lawyer be Bad Cop. The situation is affecting Daisy's life and the life of the man she loves. Daisy doesn't like it. These are the facts of her life. I think Daisy is entitled to share her opinions. And LOL! :lmao: So basically when it's "just" an A people will say the OW are "inserting" themselves into the M (hidden of course unless there is a D-day) yet, once the man decides to get rid of to stbxW....all the sudden it becomes "you're not part of the equation"? Get real! Of course the OW is "part of the equation" - otherwise the MM wouldn't be divorcing.....now would he? So why don't we all put on our big-girl panties and just admit that this is what makes so many "non-OWs" on this board SO ANGRY? That their man preferred someone else, whether it was for a short while or whether it was forever? Ummm..not sure what you're on about here. When it's an affair the OW is inserting herself into the marriage where she has no business being, nor does she have any business inserting herself into the divorce. I haven't seen any BS's say that the OW belongs in the marriage or in the divorce so I don't know what you are talking about.
Angelina527 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Thanks. It's very hard because I love him and we live together. It's not like I can, as bentnotbroken says, put my fingers in my ears and go LALALALA I can't hear you when someone I love comes home upset after tending to her gameplaying. I don't blame her for going after her end, but he's been more than generous with her. There are no hidden funds. We decided that we would rather be together legitimately than do that. It will cost him more money, but he says it's worth it. Glad there are no hidden funds, but remember this, it's not just his money...half is hers unless there is a prenup situation. Glad I could help. Now, let me tell you a little bit about being married to your affair partner: you WILL be in his wife's shoes someday. My husband (fully reconciled now) did to me exactly what we both did to his ex wife. Don't think you're in the clear, no matter how much you think your "baby" lover boy loves you. Have lived both sides, so I hope you will take heed and see what your future holds.
MissBee Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 (edited) The BW is being a b*tch - playing Good Cop in person and letting the lawyer be Bad Cop. The situation is affecting Daisy's life and the life of the man she loves. Daisy doesn't like it. These are the facts of her life. I think Daisy is entitled to share her opinions. And LOL! :lmao: So basically when it's "just" an A people will say the OW are "inserting" themselves into the M (hidden of course unless there is a D-day) yet, once the man decides to get rid of to stbxW....all the sudden it becomes "you're not part of the equation"? Get real! Of course the OW is "part of the equation" - otherwise the MM wouldn't be divorcing.....now would he? So why don't we all put on our big-girl panties and just admit that this is what makes so many "non-OWs" on this board SO ANGRY? That their man preferred someone else, whether it was for a short while or whether it was forever? Question: if the MM and the OW make a baby together, but the MM stays with the W. Does the wife have a right to dictate how that baby is raised, what the OW should do and should she be able to make decisions in the life of the child because it is her husband? I assume not. Husband or not, she can decide to opt out because that fact is too much or stay but realize that she is not the child's parent, therefore has no say in what happens and while her H can ask her for advice...at the end of the day, all decisions about the child are between him and the OW. Likewise...an OW may be seeing a MM, she may be his gf...but she is not all of a sudden entitled to put her 2 cents in about divorce proceedings and she is not a part of the marriage. She has welcomed herself into an uncomfortable triangle that she must witness, but she is not a player with any power in that scenario. Much like if a wife chooses to stay with her husband, after he has a child with the OW, she KNOWS she is now going to be uncomfortably involved in a triangle but not a power player in it. I think Angelina summed it up pretty well as a fOW turned wife.... Then again, is it any wonder that a certain kind of person harping affairs, has issues understanding boundaries...... Edited August 12, 2011 by MissBee
whichwayisup Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Like "you shouldn't pee into the wind." . Never try to drink water after a dentist appointment and your mouth is frozen...... MOST people on LS know when we say "you" it means general you, not you personally. Especially those who have been on LS for a long time.
MissBee Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 OH NO you aren't entitled......it doesn't count unless you are a should I say practicing OW.:rolleyes: LOL Apparently.... I am glad though that when I joined LS on the Break Up boards it wasn't only dumpees on there lamenting about their situation, all of us crying, and 9/10 times delusional, giving each other advice. What a mess that would've been.I am glad dumpers, dumpees, dumpees who had long moved on but stuck around to help (loooved those posters, they gave me hope and much perspective!) etc were around to give their perspective and to show me things I could not see while wallowing in post-breakup insanity!
NoIDidn't Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I think Daisy will be less miserable by doing as her MM suggests: butting out and minding her own business. I don't blame the W, though. I blame him for even telling you what's going on. Daisy, you aren't paying for his divorce (at least I hope not). You aren't meeting with his lawyer. Your name isn't on their marriage license. This really isn't your business. Its their divorce and they are going to handle it with or without your input. But if you really want to not be miserable, tell him to stop telling you about it so you will stop wanting to help. That's one way he can help you mind your business by not telling you about his divorce.
serial muse Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 *sigh* This is why this place sucks. Every body sees what they want to see. Every body ordered me to but out. Silly_Girl recognized that I have a choice in the matter and was nice to tell me how things might go if I made that choice. Please point out where she told me to butt out. She could said that I would be better off to do that but she didn't mandate it. Do you understand now? No, because, as Bent said, nobody ordered you to do anything. None of us has that power. You asked for our advice, and we gave it. It all amounted to the same thing: Butt out. For your own good, for the BS' good, for the good of mankind, for life, for love, for little green apples. Just let it be, chill, and butt the heck out. Do you understand now? Jesus.
whichwayisup Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I think Daisy will be less miserable by doing as her MM suggests: butting out and minding her own business. I don't blame the W, though. I blame him for even telling you what's going on. For once, gotta disagree with ya sweets. Honestly, I think Daisy loves and craves the drama this brings into their affair dynamic. As much as I would like to see Daisy back off and butt out, it seems like she really wants to know what the latest scoop is and her not knowing what is going on will probably drive her to be more miserable than knowing.
serial muse Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Please consider the source of this "advise" and the objectivity. I think rejection does unusual things to people unfortunately. Wow. Thanks a heap, lady. Do I know you?
whichwayisup Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Originally Posted by daisy love *sigh* This is why this place sucks. Every body sees what they want to see. Every body ordered me to but out. Silly_Girl recognized that I have a choice in the matter and was nice to tell me how things might go if I made that choice. Please point out where she told me to butt out. She could said that I would be better off to do that but she didn't mandate it. Do you understand now? Sigh..If you learned to read between the lines then maybe you'd see that just about every.single.person told you what silly girl had said. Sure, maybe she said in a sweeter and hand holding way, but the jist of what she said, was said already! Mandate it?? You mean the rest of us were too forceful...
dreamingoftigers Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 If she can't handle us then going through dealing with her "baby's" divorce and whatever anger the bs has may just be a "sink or swim" exercise for her.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 LOL.........some people think we are all rejected losers and we lost our minds somewhere along the way. Deranged you know. So what if I am deranged LOL, doesn't make me wrong! God, glad I am not on board that trainwreck. I'd rather relive me marriage then go through what that relationship is going to look like.
whichwayisup Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 No, because, as Bent said, nobody ordered you to do anything. None of us has that power. You asked for our advice, and we gave it. It all amounted to the same thing: Butt out. For your own good, for the BS' good, for the good of mankind, for life, for love, for little green apples. Just let it be, chill, and butt the heck out. Do you understand now? Jesus. OMG, .. Little green apples and .. Jesus! So what if I am deranged LOL, doesn't make me wrong! God, glad I am not on board that trainwreck. I'd rather relive me marriage then go through what that relationship is going to look like. Many on here can see the trainwreck coming..Sadly, Daisy can't.
NoIDidn't Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Please consider the source of this "advise" and the objectivity. I think rejection does unusual things to people unfortunately. This was supposed to be an insult to posters that either didn't get their man or were cheated on. But I think its something much deeper, and says much more about the person saying it than the persons it was said about. Its always interesting to see former OWs living vicariously through those that supposedly are getting their man. Its quite sad, actually.
ladydesigner Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 The BW is being a b*tch - playing Good Cop in person and letting the lawyer be Bad Cop. The situation is affecting Daisy's life and the life of the man she loves. Daisy doesn't like it. These are the facts of her life. I think Daisy is entitled to share her opinions. And LOL! :lmao: So basically when it's "just" an A people will say the OW are "inserting" themselves into the M (hidden of course unless there is a D-day) yet, once the man decides to get rid of to stbxW....all the sudden it becomes "you're not part of the equation"? Get real! Of course the OW is "part of the equation" - otherwise the MM wouldn't be divorcing.....now would he? So why don't we all put on our big-girl panties and just admit that this is what makes so many "non-OWs" on this board SO ANGRY? That their man preferred someone else, whether it was for a short while or whether it was forever? Well of course it would be upsetting, especially if there is a lot history there and kids involved. BUT it is also upsetting to the OW when the MM chooses his wife over the OW. The door swings both ways my dear;) Hurt is hurt and pain is pain. None of this is easy for anyone. It's the MM who has it the best, that is until his finances are drained due to divorce.
ladydesigner Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Glad there are no hidden funds, but remember this, it's not just his money...half is hers unless there is a prenup situation. Glad I could help. Now, let me tell you a little bit about being married to your affair partner: you WILL be in his wife's shoes someday. My husband (fully reconciled now) did to me exactly what we both did to his ex wife. Don't think you're in the clear, no matter how much you think your "baby" lover boy loves you. Have lived both sides, so I hope you will take heed and see what your future holds. Now there is an eye opening post.
YeahDotDotDot Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 The way I see it, Daisy's expectations do not match reality. She believes she should feel this huge relief and happiness, which she probably did initially. But then, she is so affected by the MM's mood, that she can not roll around in the sweet bliss of their impending divorce. She also believes he should feel the same way she does, but he won't for a while... Now, instead of bluntly telling Daisy to "butt out," maybe we can ask her, ***"Daisy, what can you really do but support your baby?"*** Perhaps he doesn't want you to butt out, but would like you to just be supportive. I would never be able to have an OM because I could not imagine being pulled on both arms constantly. Add a divorce to the equation and my head would explode.
Tenacity Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 It's pretty much a sure thing that this guy is eventually going to do the same thing to Daisy as he did to his W. The way he is treating his W right now clearly says that he is not someone who is good spouse material. I will never understand why some people think they have a right to interfere in other people's divorces. Daisy has absolutely NO right to say the FIRST THING about how the divorce proceeds. In fact the way it is SUPPOSED to happen is that the divorce should already be long over before she is even in the picture! There is a reason for that. Having gone through a divorce, even a relatively easy one legally and with a spouse who I no longer loved and where there was abuse.... I can vouch for how hard divorce is, emotionally. Even when you think it won't be. Not even just during the divorce, but especially AFTER! For years after, sometimes. The emotions are indescribable. I would never, ever want to live through the divorce of a man I love from his W. What a nightmare that would be, because I know first-hand what he would be going through at each stage. In this case it sounds very much like this relationship isn't going to survive the divorce. That is the case more often than not.
pureinheart Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Who said I'm not happy? I'm REAL happy all the time unless SHE is the subject! I don't even care if she's the subject but she upsets my baby so much. I love my sweet man and I want things to go easy for him and I want to help him however I can! What's wrong with that? Aren't there any OW here who are married now that can help me? First...I am so sorry DL how your thread has turned out and some of the replies. I guess it is par for the course though unfortunately. When I was in my situation there was a song that my sorta local radio station used to play back in the day, and it reminded me of DM's exW, like these were her words...I think the name was, "They're coming to take me away" by Napoleon XIV. All I can say is it's insanity dealing with such personalities, and it looks like you've got one too ...what I can suggest is when it gets to be too much, take some time for you because IT WILL be frustrating because you are not dealing with a rational individual. Maintain your sanity the best you can....(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
bentnotbroken Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 First...I am so sorry DL how your thread has turned out and some of the replies. I guess it is par for the course though unfortunately. When I was in my situation there was a song that my sorta local radio station used to play back in the day, and it reminded me of DM's exW, like these were her words...I think the name was, "They're coming to take me away" by Napoleon XIV. All I can say is it's insanity dealing with such personalities, and it looks like you've got one too ...what I can suggest is when it gets to be too much, take some time for you because IT WILL be frustrating because you are not dealing with a rational individual. Maintain your sanity the best you can....(((((((((((hugs))))))))))) What???:laugh::laugh::laugh:
jj33 Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Thanks. It's very hard because I love him and we live together. It's not like I can, as bentnotbroken says, put my fingers in my ears and go LALALALA I can't hear you when someone I love comes home upset after tending to her gameplaying. I don't blame her for going after her end, but he's been more than generous with her. There are no hidden funds. We decided that we would rather be together legitimately than do that. It will cost him more money, but he says it's worth it. Daisy hes right and it is worth it. There is no good way to handle this situation. Hes bound to be sensitive about it. Much as he loves you and wants the divorce, if you bad mouth her or tell him what to do, it sounds like he is likely to snap at you or tell you that you dont understand. No matter how he feels now, she was his wife and there is a history and I think 99% of people feel some sort of guilt or sense of failute (that the marriage didnt last forever) during the divorce process no matter how much they want a divorce. So its complicated for him emotionally. And of course you want to do whatever you can to make the situation better. Unfortunately I think the only thing you can do is listen when he vents, give him space when he is upset (or whatever works for him) and know that this period will pass and its just something you have to ride out.
findingnemo Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I have read through all the posts here and agree with the majority that DL should try to steer clear of the D issues. Obviously, MM will talk to her about things as they come up and it is natural to want him to do x or y because it seems so obvious to you. Alas, divorces are not as easy to get as marriage licenses and it will get ugly. Your description of BS as a b***h and the mentioning of a death threat to BS makes people really dislike MM. It is hard for anyone to imagine that he is as sweet as you say when he goes around telling his W that he can arrange for her "dead body". So on the one hand people do not like your MM and don't think he's a good person at all. On the other hand, your undying devotion shows a certain degree of vulnerability and possibly youthfulness (otherwise known as immaturity) and most people are certain that you are being played. That's why this thing is getting ugly. The BS, IMO, seems weak - willed when dealing directly with her WH. That's why she is so sweet to him on the phone. When she talks to her "bulldog" lawyer, the lawyer who is not afraid in any way of MM, makes more demands. Something is bothering me based on what I've said. MM sounds (from your own description) like a control freak with anger issues. For one thing, he insists on dealing directly with the W whom he knows he can brow beat into accepting HIS terms. So he thinks that even in this situation, he can control her. Secondly, he gets mad enough with her to threaten her with bodily harm (not common by the way). Thirdly, he gets so pissed off at you that he cruelly tells you to "mind your own business". He said that in frsutration you say but it was in anger. This guy is clearly not SWEET when he doesn't get his way. Right now he is pissed at his W. When the D is over and she has walked away with her 50% (she will, she has a very good lawyer), he will only have one person left to control and to threaten. YOU. Look at how he is treating his W and how he handles anger. I can sense an abuser miles away and ...
findingnemo Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 (edited) double post Edited August 15, 2011 by findingnemo
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