My affair with my secretary

[dr25550]

I'm a doctor in a small town. I'm unhappily married with children but stay in it because of my kids. I have a secretary that is in the exact same situation. I've always been attracted to her but have never let her know about it and she had no idea until a few months ago. I never flirted with her or anyone else for that matter. All in all, I'm a pretty shy guy. Things changed in January when we started texting and that lead up to having sex. This continued for a couple weeks and the guilt got to her. We decided to stay friends. We talked everyday via text. For the next couple months I kept growing closer to her and we were basically best friends from what she told me and also from how I felt. I would still flirt with her and try to get her to do more things but she said that's not the smart thing to do. For some reason I'm still not giving up and we end up having sex again. She says she feels aweful about this and we are to never do that again. She said that the first time around also. She wants to remain friends but I'm having a tough time dealing with everything now. I just don't know what to do. I hope to get some helpful advice. Thanks.

[dr25550]

I know it's not the morally right thing to do but I do love her.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Repeat this a million times: You cannot be 'just friends' with someone if you are in love with them. It makes you feel terrible when you can't have more, and it makes them feel terrible that they can't give more, and eventually that guilt they feel will turn into resentment, particularly if you press on it.

 

What to do? Back up for now. Rein in your libido and your heart and quietly try to accept the situation you keep yourself in. And stop calling it friends. It stopped being that a long time ago. Call it what it is: someone you are in love with and can't have. Tell her thanks but no thanks to the 'friends' offer and try to regain some emotional ground.

 

Have you considered talking to a professional objective third party about what you are going through? Clearly there is something missing, but you have to reach inside to find it first before running off to find it with someone else. Who knows? You may even get up some courage to tell your wife to work with you to find what happiness is missing for you BOTH and either work toward a resolution or at least a amicable stalemate. I doubt your wife is any happier than you are, and it would probably do you both good to get some stuff out on the table. No need to live out a life of quiet desperation.

 

And the married woman? Forget it. It sounds like she is emotionally invested in her husband enough to still to feel guilty about being with you, which says to me that you are more invested in this than she is. Walk away.

[dr25550]

I'm not blaming my wife. Just don't think I've loved her for a while. Think we may have gotten married for the wrong reasons.

 

 

Your best friend is supposed to be your wife, not a married woman. So you've been cheating with a married woman for seven months and you blame your wife for having a bad marriage. If you cared about those kids you wouldn't be having an affair for over half a year.

[2sunny]

I'm not blaming my wife. Just don't think I've loved her for a while. Think we may have gotten married for the wrong reasons.

 

QUOTE]

 

blame yourself. YOU did this. tell your wife you did this. tell your wife you don't love her - so she can have the choice to find a man that WILL love and honor her... that guy i not you.

 

fire your secretary. that energy in your workplace is toxic to a work environment... yes, people can actually FEEL energy!

 

the harm you are doing to many is likely to bite you in the arse...

 

get honest! own your behavior and actions. then consider doing the right thing. harm caused to self AND others should always be a consideration - that is called the conscience... and it serves a good purpose.

[Donewrong]

As I stated in your other thread you started in OW/OM section...

Be honest...tell your wife. She deserves to know who she is married to. If you don't love her than leave. But for heavens sake - end it with the secretary - she is a married woman and she willingly had an affair with a married man. Friend or not bud...she is not someone you want long term..

This is just wrong on so many levels. Wrong for your wife..and wrong for the secretaries husband. Be a human being and respect them enough to tell them the truth.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm a doctor in a small town. I'm unhappily married with children but stay in it because of my kids.

 

Worst possible reason, bordering on the get-out clause/excuse.

I know tons of people with kids, who have divorced. Both my husband and I have kids form previous marriages. They're well-adjusted, fine, upstanding young people. As long as you treat them with respect - ans treat their mother with respect (don't bad-mouth her or insult her, or put her down to your kids, EVER!!) there's absolutely no reason whatsoever why you shouldn't divorce.

Better two parents, separated, with a stable attitude, than two parents together who frankly, have attitudes that suck.

 

 

I have a secretary that is in the exact same situation. I've always been attracted to her but have never let her know about it and she had no idea until a few months ago. I never flirted with her or anyone else for that matter. All in all, I'm a pretty shy guy. Things changed in January when we started texting and that lead up to having sex. This continued for a couple weeks and the guilt got to her.

Obviously not enough, it seems....

 

We decided to stay friends.

Yeah, right. Well, that worked well, huh?

 

We talked everyday via text. For the next couple months I kept growing closer to her and we were basically best friends from what she told me and also from how I felt.

No, you became bed-fellow friends with benefits....

I would still flirt with her and try to get her to do more things but she said that's not the smart thing to do. For some reason I'm still not giving up and we end up having sex again.

 

..."For some reason"...? Swap the word 'some' for 'sex' and you have your answer. You just liked how it felt to get between her legs, buddy. Face it, you became attracted to something that appreciated your attention.

 

She says she feels aweful about this and we are to never do that again.

Actions speak louder than words.

either you are some hot dude who's just too great to pass up - or she likes the thrill of screwing someone she's not married to, but is a husband and father to other people... but she still does it. Neat.

 

She said that the first time around also.

 

QED> As I said... Actions speak louder than words.... she says she wants to stop - but clearly her actions state otherwise.

Who's the weaker liar and cheater, her or you?

 

She wants to remain friends

2 words? IM-POSSIBLE.

 

Ask her to leave her job, and get an oloder, wiser, and less available secretary. You know, someone who reminds you of your mother. I wonder what she'd say....

 

but I'm having a tough time dealing with everything now.

 

Oh you poor thing. It must be tough, having a home where your wife probably cleans, cooks, does your laundry and raises your kids, and you also have a hot woman willing to screw you whenever you want it.

The only tough time you have, is the one you're giving yourself. Grow up.

 

 

I just don't know what to do.

Oh tommyrot. You're a Doctor, you're not stupid. Of course you know what to do. You just don't want to. You want to have your cake and eat it.

 

I hope to get some helpful advice. Thanks.

'Helpful' isn't always 'gentle' or 'agreeable'.

You're wasting your wife's time and life, so's you can get your rocks off.

Man up, be responsible and do the right thing.

And yes - you DO know what that is.

[GorillaTheater]

I understand self-destructive behavior. Hell, I've been battling those tendencies my entire life. Like you, I have fairly significant professional success on one hand, a fair bit of self-sabotage on the other. Sounds uttlerly bizarre to those who don't deal with that inner conflict, but it's real, and not neccessarily all that uncommon.

 

And that's what you're doing: self-sabotage and self-destruction. Maybe you DID marry for the wrong reasons. It happens. But ask yourself if you want to be man of integrity. If not, then do whatever the hell you want. But if you do want to be a man of integrity, then do the right thing for yourself and the people in your life.

 

Stop the affair, now and forever. It'll be painful for a while, but you'll get over it. Avoid anything that looks like retaliation in the employment context, because you don't need a sexual harrassment lawsuit on top of everything else right now. You're just going to have to deal with having her in your office until you get over it. Give her a chance to either work on her marriage, or not, without you being a factor in the decision.

 

And decide whether to work on your marriage or get a divorce. The kids will have a difficult time if you divorce, no doubt, but they'll adjust and thrive if you and your wife can approach the post-D relationship like adults. Your wife deserves a marriage with someone who wants her and loves her, and that may well not be you. Whichever path you take, understand that you own your decision to have an affair 100%. You may be tempted to blame your wife to "driving you to it", but that's just the childish part of you who wants to avoid responsibility for the affair and wants to maintain the self-image of a "good guy" who wouldn't do such a thing unless he was "driven to it". Instead, accept the fact that you f*cked up.

 

Man up and tell your wife about your affair. Give her the opportunity to make her own decisions with all the cards on the table. There'll be some serious consequences, up to and including you losing most of your assets. But face the consequences head on and stop hiding from them.

[TaraMaiden]

Good Post, GT.

[stillafool]

I'm not blaming my wife. Just don't think I've loved her for a while. Think we may have gotten married for the wrong reasons.

 

 

How long have you been married? When you say you and your wife married for the wrong reason, what was it? Was she pregnant?

 

I am not going to tell you you aren't in love with your secretary, but you may not really know this for sure until you are faced with losing your wife and kids. Lots of married people who are in affairs think they are in love until reality sets in and that usually happens once the affair is exposed.

 

If you are sure that you love your secretary, does she love you back? Would she leave her husband for you? If so, you need to tell your spouses what has happened, divorce and get together. Your wife, her husband deserve to be with people who love them as well. All of the children deserve to live in happy homes.

[dr25550]

Everyone, thanks for the advice even though it can be tough to hear but that is what I need. I want to stress I'm not blaming my wifre for driving me to this. I know I messed up.

 

Question:

 

I have the ability to terminate her employment, is this the best thing to do? Right now I'm having a tough time working with her and not talking much. We're not keeping in contact like we used to. However, I think about her all the time and it tears me up. Will I get to feeling better about working with her or should she just go completely. The other thing is that she has been my best employee and is great with everyone and good for business. Also, it's not like she some young hot thing. We're both just regular 30 somethings.

[GorillaTheater]

I have the ability to terminate her employment, is this the best thing to do? Right now I'm having a tough time working with her and not talking much. We're not keeping in contact like we used to. However, I think about her all the time and it tears me up. Will I get to feeling better about working with her or should she just go completely. The other thing is that she has been my best employee and is great with everyone and good for business.

 

Like I said, if you fire her, you'll run a high risk of being the defendant in an employment suit.

 

Something else I neglected to cover in my initial post, though. Once you tell your wife, which should be ASAP, and she has even the remotest desire to stay married to you, she'll insist that you fire the OW. You thus may be faced with the choice of screwing over your employee by firing her and quite possibly being sued, and your marriage. You'll have to pick one. Hard choices for hard times.

 

Do you have any desire to work on your marriage? What specifically is wrong with it?

[bentnotbroken]

Good Post, GT.

 

 

Ditto.:bunny::bunny::bunny:

[KathyM]

I'm a doctor in a small town. I'm unhappily married with children but stay in it because of my kids. I have a secretary that is in the exact same situation. I've always been attracted to her but have never let her know about it and she had no idea until a few months ago. I never flirted with her or anyone else for that matter. All in all, I'm a pretty shy guy. Things changed in January when we started texting and that lead up to having sex. This continued for a couple weeks and the guilt got to her. We decided to stay friends. We talked everyday via text. For the next couple months I kept growing closer to her and we were basically best friends from what she told me and also from how I felt. I would still flirt with her and try to get her to do more things but she said that's not the smart thing to do. For some reason I'm still not giving up and we end up having sex again. She says she feels aweful about this and we are to never do that again. She said that the first time around also. She wants to remain friends but I'm having a tough time dealing with everything now. I just don't know what to do. I hope to get some helpful advice. Thanks.

You say you're staying in your marriage for the kids. Don't you think you're kids deserve a dad they can look up to and trust? Don't you think they'd be totally devastated, hurt and extremely disappointed and ashamed of you if they ever found out about your affair? Try to imagine their reaction when they find out what you've been doing. Do you really want to risk losing their love and respect? Don't you have any self respect? I guess not. Don't you think it's a bit unfair to your wife to allow her to go on living a lie, thinking you're a family, when you really aren't? If you're marriage is so unhappy, then do something about it. Fix it. Don't go running to some outsider to get what you should be getting in your marriage. See a counselor and work on your marriage, or get out. Don't go on living a lie, and putting your family through a sham for your own selfish purposes. Either get counseling and fix the marriage, or get out of it. And fire the secretary. Obviously, it's not going to work to keep her around the office. You are hurting your family, yourself, her family and her. Time to do the right thing, and stop this sherade.

[stillafool]

Question:

 

I have the ability to terminate her employment, is this the best thing to do? Right now I'm having a tough time working with her and not talking much. We're not keeping in contact like we used to. However, I think about her all the time and it tears me up. Will I get to feeling better about working with her or should she just go completely. The other thing is that she has been my best employee and is great with everyone and good for business. Also, it's not like she some young hot thing. We're both just regular 30 somethings.

 

 

Definitely let her go. If it is tearing your up now it isn't going to get any easier. That's the best solution for you both.

[yessy21]

Well your going to laugh but my mother in law met her husband somewhat the same way.

He is a doctor and she was a therapist that ended up working together because of their job. Both Married .. unhappily with children, of course.

One day they decided that they didnt want to stop what they felt. left their spouses for each other and have been married happily ever since. that was 5 years ago.

The Good: 5 years, theyre like best friends, they respect their families and have the most amazing time together.

Side note: they waited before rushing to marriage to make sure that it wasnt just lust.

The Bad: the Doctor is paying a **** load of money to his wife for cheating. HE states that the biggest mistake was telling her about the affair.

i suggest if you are ina marriage that you are not happy with .. dont stay for the kids. one day they will understand and u will not stop loving them for that reason.

after you have legally seperated urself and want to pursue this woman then go ahead and do so.

make sure that u are unhappy in ur marriage though... it might be depression of expectancy.

[AlexDP]

If you cared about those kids you wouldn't be having an affair for over half a year.

 

Quite possibly the worst, least empathetic and most ignorant statement I've ever read on any internet forum. If I were a moderator, I'd ban you within seconds. Absolutely disgusting.

[dreamingoftigers]

Quite possibly the worst, least empathetic and most ignorant statement I've ever read on any internet forum. If I were a moderator, I'd ban you within seconds. Absolutely disgusting.

 

It may seem ignorant to you, but the statement is also true.

 

My father's affair messed me up and I wasn't that young at that point. Having an affair is incredibly, ridiculously unfair to everyone and causes damage to the whole family, not just the betrayed spouse.

[skywriter]

People are people, we're all human and make really poor judgements when we are emotionally vulnerable.

 

He doesn't need to be reminded of that, besides it's water under the bridge.

 

I think you should move over to the ow/om forum.

[nyc_guy2003]

The people on this thread who are suggesting firing the chick are giving really bad advice. Three things can/will happen -- a) she will sue you, b) she will tell your wife what's going on, c) everyone in the office will start wondering why the best employee was suddenly fired and catch on as to what's going on.

[skywriter]

I have a very close friend who's been seperated for a year now.

 

Her H had an A with one of her longtime friends.

 

She and her H split and the three children do not know about their fathers A.

 

Why? Because they are married to one another and their kids don't need to be involved in their marital affairs.

 

 

I agree, NYC Guy,

 

If she's doing her job, and doing it well, why terminate her?

 

On the other hand, why not be up front and discuss how having contact with her is making him feel.

 

She may voluntarily leave based on that information.

It hasn't had any affect on their children because they choose to not allow it to.

Edited August 12, 2011 by skywriter
to add

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree, NYC Guy,

 

If she's doing her job, and doing it well, why terminate her?

 

On the other hand, why not be up front and discuss how having contact with her is making him feel.

 

She may voluntarily leave based on that information.

It hasn't had any affect on their children because they choose to not allow it to.

 

there must be a way to go no contact. That is the only way that getting through ending an affair would work unless he is planning on continuing it. Then he can have fun with the results of it.

 

As for your friend's family, the affair has affected his children whether they know about it or not. Now they come from a divorced family because of his choices. If you don't think that that affects children perhaps reading any books about the subject may be enlightening

[skywriter]

dreaming, with all due respect as I have close family in Canada and I love you Canadians!

 

I am a divorced mother of two. My H and I divorced and kept our children out of our realtionship issues. From my experience it can work if you want it to.

 

As a matter of fact, my children will now tell you that they are much happier that their father and I aren't living in the same household together.

 

My girlfriends children are much better off because she and her H split. Their counselors even agreed it was a healthier enviroment for her children.

 

I'd say it all depends on the circumstances.

 

I just think people are quick to assume that divorces have a negative affect on the children. Sometimes maybe they do.

 

It had a positive affect on my children, and the negative affect was on their mother(myself).

 

I was vulnerable and six yrs down the road, allowed myself to become involved with a mm. Hey, but, that's for another thread, right?

Edited August 12, 2011 by skywriter
to add;

[skywriter]

Excellent post cheergirl!

[dreamingoftigers]

Typically people that have been lied to recognize that the truth would have been freeing and appropriate for everyone involved. It really has nothing to do with punishing anyone from afar over a similar role they played. It is about taking responsibility for your own actions and facing what you create. Same as in the workplace or every other area of your life.

 

If taking responsibility for your actions feels like punishment, that's a sure sign that your actions are really screwing you.