You couldn't make this up

[piatch]

Hello Loveshack

 

I'm new on here, site recommended to me by a friend. Its been a godsend to read the coping strategies and wonderful advice offered on here.

 

3 years ago my husband sat me down and told me he wanted to start swinging. Me, him and another man. Stupidly i agreed to it although it upset me greatly and i felt as though I wasnt enough for him. Thats when it all went wrong, surprise surprise. I later found out that he was having an affair and I ended up leaving my marriage for the man that came round to join us for sex!

 

Since then my life seems to have been yo-yoing from nice times to extreme times. Just after leaving my marriage I caught Paul (not real name) in bed with his ex and 2 other guys. Although devastated I believed him when he said he was sorry and forgave him. We plodded on for a few months, then he announced that he wanted to carry on swinging, again with other guys and cpls. Fearing I would lose him if I didnt this is what we did. I cannot tell you the emotional toll this has had on me. Paul is very sexually extreme and IMHO does not become aroused through basic sexual activity, this has led to my self esteem being in the toilet.

 

almost 2 years ago Paul thought I had cheated on him, I hadnt. He finished it and almost destroyed me. He moved out and then became quite mentally unstable (suicidal/depression etc). He has suffered with this for the past 20 years, never taking help offered. When his head had cleared a little he came back to me begging for another chance which I gave him.

 

We separated again 6 months later, only for him to repeat the same behaviour pattern last November. Once again, I believed his promises and put my trust back into the relationship. Silly move as it failed and he moved out again 3 months ago.

 

But he never goes far. We work in the same building and he says he wants me to be happy and free but he's always in my life in some way. Guess thats my fault as I let him, I just find him so hard to resist.

 

Last week I had to involve the mental health crisis team as he hit an all time low. So now I feel as though I need to support him, once again putting my life on hold. He sleeps in my bed, comes out with me and is acting like he's my boyfriend.

 

However, I stupidly checked his email account yesterday and found that he has joined a website for gay guys and he is actively seeking a cross dressing couple for outdoor activities. I cant tell you how much this hurts. I am not surprised, I always knew he was bi from our swinging days. Funny thing is, my ex husband did the dirty on his gf after me and she took her revenge by sending pictures of him dressed as 'Cindy' all of his friends. Would seem he liked cross dressing to.

 

Now im in a quandry as obviously I shouldnt have checked his email/site. But he is acting 'normally' with me and still expecting to sleep with me.

 

I dont know what it is about this guy that keeps me coming back. He's a taker, he hurts and he cuts deep.

 

You may read this and think Im pathetic for not kicking him into touch years ago. Maybe I am but I know im a strong, intelligent woman with a good job and good morals. So what the hell is wrong with me!?

 

This post has barely touched the surface of what the last 3 years have been like. I just want it all to end before I lose my grip on normality!

 

xxx

[TaraMaiden]

Knowing you're a strong intelligent woman with...Good morals" means diddly-squat if you don't follow up the talk with the appropriate actions.

in other words, you may perceive yourself to be like that, but patently - you're not.

So you have a choice: Either be the woman you perceive yourself to be, or accept that your life is one big yo-yo-ing rodeo ride from now until it ends.

 

Which would you prefer?

 

Choose.

[Graceful]

Well, I have to say that you have not given yourself a sanity check in a very long time. And the first one is to recognize that it's you, yes YOU, living your life, not someone else, not the "old" you, that person seems to have left the building a long time ago.

 

Recognize yourself for who you are, for the way you are living your life, and stop pretending that you're a woman with morals (not sure what having a good job has to do with anything, quite honestly). If you mean you are respectable on the outside, and no one would believe the way you live on the inside and the way you conduct your personal life, then you are not living an authentic life. And that means you are living a lie.

 

What is wrong with you? You're co-dependent. You're afraid to be alone. Your secret life is catching up with you. You've compromised yourself beyond recognition sexually. If you want it to end, then by all means, use your strength, moral compass (what's left of it) and make a decision to change your life. Get rid of the people who cause you pain and cause you to live in secrecy.

 

As TaraMaiden said, this really is your choice. No one is holding you hostage but you. You're lucky this kook hasn't physically harmed you, but the emotional damage is just as bad.

 

Seriously, it's like you've been on the train to Crazytown, stopping at every station, but can't seem to get off.

 

Get some support, possibly get into counseling, and work out a plan of action to create an authentic life. Until you stop living in secrecy, you'll never feel good about yourself. Best of luck, and take care.

 

You may read this and think Im pathetic for not kicking him into touch years ago. Maybe I am but I know im a strong, intelligent woman with a good job and good morals. So what the hell is wrong with me!?

 

This post has barely touched the surface of what the last 3 years have been like. I just want it all to end before I lose my grip on normality!

 

xxx

[NursingGirl]

 

 

You've compromised yourself beyond recognition sexually.

 

Absolutely! Long term counseling is in order. Get that human being out of your bed, home and life immediately.

[piatch]

Thank you guys for your honesty.

 

I do indeed feel like I live in crazytown and yes struggle to get off.

 

I disagree with the fact that I cant be alone. I live alone and am not lonely or otherwise. I have a great support network of friends and family. I dont really feel as though I need anyone in my life.

 

When he dissapears out of my life its like I can breathe. I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and feel like I might actually get my life back on track. Then he gets me over some emotional barrel, depression, suicide etc and I feel almost as though I have to be the one to help him. He hasnt many friends and cut his family off years ago.

 

Its almost like I allow him to treat me this way as he has a very extreme past and I always thought one day he will be able to see things clearly and be the man I need him to be. I was sexually assaulted by my teacher when I was 14 and guess that made me view men in a totally different light. You are right when you say I have and continue to compromise myself.

 

But right here and now I feel a bit stuck. If I cut all contact now, when hes under the care of the Mental Health team Im going to feel as though Im really letting him down. But I guess thats not my problem.

 

anyway - thanks again xx

[NursingGirl]

I probably could have called the issues involved in both your pasts, I love mental health nursing! I also have some of the same issues you talked about in your last post because of my own background.

 

I could have called the sexually abusive past for you because you don't appear to have sexual boundaries. I could have called the dependent personality disorder of your current guy also. But YOU are in a relationship with him so it would be a good idea for you to read up on the his personality disorder and the girl who loves that type! Books on codependency would be good. You are a rescuer and it keeps you from letting people in. It definitely blocks you from having a good guy in your life who can be an emotional support to you.

 

You don't owe this guy anything, quite frankly. It's always nice to be morally upstanding in our actions but you need to get yourself on the way to recovery. At least start counseling to deal with your current issue even if he is still there in your home. If you haven't already, it will be helpful for you to talk about your sexual abuse and how it effects your ability to be intimate on an emotional level as well as a sexual one. If you have already explored this, keep in mind that healing from these types of things early in life really becomes a life long process. You sound intelligent! You even sound like you have some awareness....that is the hardest step! You can head toward healthier relationships and better sexual boundaries.

[piatch]

thank you Nursing Girl.

 

He doesnt live with me anymore and we havent been in a relationship now for about 2 months - officially anyway. We are in some sort of relationship I admit.

 

Yes am very aware and seem to get stronger and stronger....and then end up back at square one.

 

Thanks again xxx

[JasonRules]

You need to leave this unstable and crazy life and go back to who you are (if that's the case). Therapy is definitely in order as it seems you've been affected by all of this mentally and psychologically.

 

When you're doing better, learn from your mistakes, and find a normal decent man who will treat you with respect and honesty.

[NursingGirl]

thank you Nursing Girl.

 

He doesnt live with me anymore

xxx

 

 

Good! It will be much easier to begin focusing on YOU!

[piatch]

Well...seems like last night I finally stood up for myself.

 

He was out and drunk and started texting accusing me of sleeping with a mutual friend. He said I was devious and crafty. What he didn't know was that an hour before I had fully read the contents of his gay sex site mailbox. Would appear that all the evenings he told me he was struggling to cope with life and was popping a sleeping pill and having an early night....he was out having sex with other guys and transvestites.

 

I couldn't hold it in anymore. It was like 3 yrs of anger just erupted like a volcano. He didn't say much after that. What could he say. Called me later to say he was sorry, that he never meant to hurt me and was pleased it was now in the open that he was gay and he can stop living a lie. Unfortunately the more drunk he then got the more abuse I got as he tried to lay the blame on my doorstep and calling me everyname under the sun.

 

Anyway, have woken this morning with a fairly good head on considering. My best mate us here with me keeping it real. Today is a new day, new start for me.

 

I'd like to thank you all for taking the time to read n reply to my post. It hurt to read your comments/advice at first but it made me really think all day 'yeah these guys are right...one life, no excuses'. So I guess my balls dropped. At last.

 

Xx

[piatch]

Well...seems like last night I finally stood up for myself.

 

He was out and drunk and started texting accusing me of sleeping with a mutual friend. He said I was devious and crafty. What he didn't know was that an hour before I had fully read the contents of his gay sex site mailbox. Would appear that all the evenings he told me he was struggling to cope with life and was popping a sleeping pill and having an early night....he was out having sex with other guys and transvestites.

 

I couldn't hold it in anymore. It was like 3 yrs of anger just erupted like a volcano. He didn't say much after that. What could he say. Called me later to say he was sorry, that he never meant to hurt me and was pleased it was now in the open that he was gay and he can stop living a lie. Unfortunately the more drunk he then got the more abuse I got as he tried to lay the blame on my doorstep and calling me everyname under the sun.

 

Anyway, have woken this morning with a fairly good head on considering. My best mate us here with me keeping it real. Today is a new day, new start for me.

 

I'd like to thank you all for taking the time to read n reply to my post. It hurt to read your comments/advice at first but it made me really think all day 'yeah these guys are right...one life, no excuses'. So I guess my balls dropped. At last.

 

Xx

[NursingGirl]

Yayyyy! Now the next time he is drunk and wants an emotional punching bag (and he will...I bet my life on it) do NOT respond. He has taken from you for the last time. Do not put another ounce of your energy into anything pertaining to him. Go NC forever.

 

And get into counseling on a regular basis so that when the next person who comes along that is him with different DNA, you will be able to see him for what he is. It's time for you to love yourself and then learn to choose people in your life in intimate relationships who are able to give YOU something and not do all the taking. You also have to determine what your sexual boundaries are and have them in place for the next relationship.

 

Glad to hear you are on this new journey! Take care of yourself!

[Graceful]

Well, this is when you have to see that timing is everything, now isn't it? You got yourself here yesterday, put your story up, got consistent comments telling you that you need to make some changes and cannot allow this man to invade your life ... and what happened? It all clicked into place.

 

Just when you needed support, you got it. But don't underestimate that you have work to do to heal, recover, maintain your strength, and move on to the life you want. Counseling is still very much in order for you, not only so you don't back slide, but because you really need to sit down and get to the root of some of your issues, become accountable, and feel good about yourself.

 

But you're on your way, and took a big step, so for that, give yourself a huge pat on the back. Don't sell yourself short. Get some support and make your way back to the path that you really want and deserve. Take care. I'm very happy to hear your news.

 

Well...seems like last night I finally stood up for myself.

 

He was out and drunk and started texting accusing me of sleeping with a mutual friend. He said I was devious and crafty. What he didn't know was that an hour before I had fully read the contents of his gay sex site mailbox. Would appear that all the evenings he told me he was struggling to cope with life and was popping a sleeping pill and having an early night....he was out having sex with other guys and transvestites.

 

I couldn't hold it in anymore. It was like 3 yrs of anger just erupted like a volcano. He didn't say much after that. What could he say. Called me later to say he was sorry, that he never meant to hurt me and was pleased it was now in the open that he was gay and he can stop living a lie. Unfortunately the more drunk he then got the more abuse I got as he tried to lay the blame on my doorstep and calling me everyname under the sun.

 

Anyway, have woken this morning with a fairly good head on considering. My best mate us here with me keeping it real. Today is a new day, new start for me.

 

I'd like to thank you all for taking the time to read n reply to my post. It hurt to read your comments/advice at first but it made me really think all day 'yeah these guys are right...one life, no excuses'. So I guess my balls dropped. At last.

 

Xx

[dreamingoftigers]

When men like this with sexual issues that are completely messed up get stressed, they often blame it on whoever they are in a close relationship with. You aren't doing anyone (especially yourself) any favors when you take that garbage from them or empathize with them. All it does is enable them to not deal with their own emotions or sexual insecurities.

[NursingGirl]

You're in love with a gay man that frequent porn sites. He's disgusting, mentally and emotionally a complete, and utter MESS. He offers nothing but hell. Why are you wasting your LIFE on this fool? He should be in a psych ward. You're co-dependent and you need professional help. And unless you get this monster out of your life and stop letting him spiral you out of control, you are in fact NOT smart or strong.

 

 

I guess you didnt read to the end???

[piatch]

Absolutely...whilst at the clinic having a full screen (!) I contacted occupational health and booked myself into counseling.

 

Honestly guys...thank you so much for the strength you gave me. I completely see that I have a long way to go and despite the hurt, I know there's only one way for me and that is up. Long journey ahead but I will face it and find my self respect and self esteem.

 

Xx

[Nohbody]

this is going to make a dandy book when you are through this (and if you stick to your guns, I have every confidence in you). Good luck!

[NursingGirl]

Absolutely...whilst at the clinic having a full screen (!) I contacted occupational health and booked myself into counseling.

 

Honestly guys...thank you so much for the strength you gave me. I completely see that I have a long way to go and despite the hurt, I know there's only one way for me and that is up. Long journey ahead but I will face it and find my self respect and self esteem.

 

Xx

 

 

Excellent! Update us, k?

[piatch]

hey guys

 

Having a right **** hour!

 

Now that he's come out about being homosexual would seem he feels whole lot better. He has told a few of my friends he never meant to hurt me.

 

I am SOOO ANGRY right now i swear I'd do time for him. Funny isnt it, everyone he works with and knows will be supportive and love him regardless...never mind his poor long suffering girlfriend that compromised herself beyond belief and did everything she could to make him happy, only for it all to end up with this revalation!!

 

What the hell am I supposed to do with all this??!??! He cant or rather wont tell me how/who/what/when etc because he doesnt know. So here I am with no logic, nothing to pull on and I feel as though Im standing in the middle of a huge impossible jigsaw puzzle trying just to get the edges together.

 

I hate the fact that Im crying one more tear over him. Its not even because i miss him because i dont. I just cant understand and its doing my head in.

 

I took all of his stuff round yesterday so now everything has gone which is good. Oh, apart from the mug tree that he texted me about this morning. Hes lucky I dont go over there and ram it where the sun doesnt shine.

 

Ive wasted 3 years on him, split up my family and let him in to my life and my young sons. What a prat I am. This bloody counselling cannot start soon enough

 

xx

[NursingGirl]

hey guys

 

..never mind his poor long suffering girlfriend that compromised herself beyond belief and did everything she could to make him happy, only for it all to end up with this revalation!!

 

xx

 

 

The best way to control this anger is to realize that you are not a victim. If you allow yourself to be placed in victim status, you are powerless. Own up to your responsibility here and realize that no one can "compromise herself beyond belief" except that person, which is YOU. Your actions are the only ones you ever have control over. YOU took the risks, YOU defined your boundaries (or lack thereof), YOU allowed him into your childrens' lives, YOU failed to see things that were obvious, YOU missed some good clues- own up to it. These are the things you can fix for next time. And I always try to tell myself in these types of situations that it was not a mistake if I LEARN something from it. If I learn, the experience was worth it and I am now a better person.

 

We all make mistakes, none of us are perfect, our childhood and life experiences play a big part and we all can improve ourselves. And when you focus on improving yourself, you will not only bring more happiness and healthy people into your life but you will also improve your childrens' lives and their future! Go get 'em girl! Keep your head on straight, keep your cool and stick to counseling.