TheRunningMan Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I shall keep this one short and of course any advice will be greatly appreciated. My girl and I have been together for 9 months. Before we got together she told me about a situation where she fell asleep on her friends sofa and her friend caught this guy that was also there feeling up her dress while she was asleep. This hideous 'man' is part of my girl's social circle, albeit in more of a friend of friends capacity, but he's still there. She never told any of her friends this. The only people that know are her, the l girl that caught him and threw him out, and me. We are attending a wedding next week of two people in this group of friends. This possible sex offender will be there. I briefly asked my girl if she knew what the seating arrangements would be as being in the same room as this dick will be hard enough, letalone eating a meal at the same table as him. She went mental and gave me a significant amount of grief for even asking as she says it shouldn't matter and she just wants to enjoy her friends wedding. I'm struggling to understand this whole thing. If I was her I might not even to if I knew he was there, hell I would make sure every single member of the group knew and told the police. Now I feel like I'm being asked to be someone I am not by being told to forget about the whole thing.
Andy_K Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I'm afraid I don't think she's being unreasonable. At the end of the day, whatever happened, happened to her, and so it's up to her to decide how big a deal it is to her. Your job is to support her in whatever decision she makes, whether it's one you agree with or not. If she decides to just drop it in order to enjoy her friend's wedding, you should too.
neowulf Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Now I feel like I'm being asked to be someone I am not by being told to forget about the whole thing. Yep.. this is a ugly one for sure. On the one hand you obviously care about this girl and rightly feel disgusted by this guys behaviour. On the other hand, this is a part of her personal history... a time before you arrived on the scene. She's probably tried to do what a lot of women do in cases of minor sexual assault (e.g. groping, coping a feel etc) .. they sweep it under the rug and try to forget about it. I'm getting the impression she told you this because she wanted to share something deeply troubling and personal with you. A sign of escalating intimacy between you both. Your reaction has probably caused a lot of negative emotions about the event to suddenly bubble to the surface ("wow.. he's making a big deal.. maybe I should have been more upset than I was..") This of course doesn't feel great for her, so she takes it out on you. As for advice, I'd go to the wedding and play it cool.. For her sake. Why give the creep any more power over the situation. If you personally catch him doing anything in the future, then I'm sure you'll figure out an appropriate course of action.
thatone Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 other possibility: she made it all up. and your insecurity about it is a threat to her string of lies.
Author TheRunningMan Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Your definition of insecurity seems to significantly differ from yours Neal. Thanks for your response though.
thatone Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) not insecurity, just observation. think about it, how many women do you know who not only are ok being in the same room as a man who had sexually assaulted them, but get mad at someone else about it for showing concern? an unexpected aggressive response to what you think is a positive question is a sure sign that you don't know the truth or the whole story and the aggression is a knee jerk response to try and steer you away from finding out something that she has lied to you about or doesn't want you to know. Edited August 11, 2011 by thatone
Author TheRunningMan Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Valid point. Interesting thoughts ahead.
rafallus Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I also think she actually enjoyed that, and it's possible they had full blown, consensual sex.
Jessica45 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Basically she got drunk at a party and passed out. Some guy felt her up. He was probably drunk too. I can't see making a big deal out of that situation. He copped a feel - he didn't rape her. If I were you, I would let it go.
sm1tten Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 How long ago did this happen? How much was she affected or upset by it? If it was something that happened say, a year ago, and grossed her out but didn't cause any significant psychic trauma, then she probably is just trying to move past it and sees your questions and concern as dragging up something she'd rather just forget about. Some women would take being touched in such a manner very seriously; others might not, for example if there was drinking involved, and depending on how far the contact went. If it happened and it deeply bothered her, then she's just trying to not deal with it. Either way, it's not your place to force her to react as you would or want to. Your feelings are not invalid, but could be perceived as intrusive. Is your instinct to be protective or to be aggressive towards this person? Perhaps she is afraid that you would not be able to control your anger towards this guy and that would bring the incident to light, ruining the wedding and possibly causing her some embarassment or something. I don't know. Possibilities are endless, really.
Author TheRunningMan Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 I started dating her in December, we went on a few dates with the last one being the 14th, I left to go home for my kids on the 18th returning the 30th. This happened on Dec 26th. We became serious a couple of weeks afterwards. She told me about it the very next day over msn, I was spending Christmas in my hometown.
Author TheRunningMan Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Spoke a bit about this last night, we seem to be hitting a brick wall. This was more of an issue to me because around 3 months ago she was planning on going out with one of her friends and she sent me a message beforehand saying would I mind if a few people just came round to ours instead. I asked who and she mentioned 3 or 4 names and this guy was included. I couldn't believe my ears and the conversation ended with her saying "well he's just always going to be there in one way or another and thats just the ****ing way it is" This resulted in a huge argument, and to be perfectly honest I walked out for a few days as theres no way im accepting being spoken to like that in a relationship where I sure as hell don't speak like that to her. So my issue being that both times that we have spoken about this particular person, it's resulted in her verbally attacking me. It makes no sense. That's not me even touching on wtf she was thinking back then when she asked if it was ok for them to come over to ours instead of them going out.q
thatone Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 my suspicion makes more sense the more you post.
eerie_reverie Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 It doesn't sound like that big a deal to me.
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