Viv Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) My story. A month ago my husband came home, after spending the weekend with his mother, and told me he wanted a divorce. We had been married over 11 months (together for 2 years before that) and were leaving the country in six weeks to spend a year abroad. We'd had a really small fight about something on the Thursday, which had led to him to saying "i can't do this anymore, I can't go away with you, there's too many fights". This was our first argument for 6 months! But he made me so angry because I felt like he was threatening me, that I suggested a divorce that I felt he was pushing for anyway. During the weekend with his mother, it turns out that he made appointments to look at flats and cancelled his annual career break with work. When he came back he told me this, said that he had never wanted to go abroad for a year, it was a stupid idea, I didn't show him that I loved him enough and that he was really unhappy. We had been planning it for ages and every time I asked him how he felt he said he was really excited? I thought we were really happy, he was my best friend, we had amazing times together, talked about the future. Now I look back I think it was mostly me saying these things and him just agreeing. I don't understand how someone that I thought was my best friend couldn't be honest with me for so long? I know his mother has had a huge influence on this, she has been having an affair for a long time, which his father knows about, and I think she is also an alcoholic and she is really desperate to make sure she keeps her son around. In the weeks leading up to this, she would phone up making up reasons why my husband couldn't leave the country, at the time he agreed she was being manipulative, now he says that she had his best interests at heart? Two weeks after he decided to leave I went away for the weekend, he had already told me that he had found a new flat and that he was taking some things, but when I came back everything was gone, all the furniture, internet/phone connection, and my things were just pushed up against the walls. He had also taken all the paperwork, and cancelled the credit card. All i was thinking about was how my marriage was ending and he was thinking about money. I lost my temp job, and when I asked him for some of the money from our joint savings account so that I could move my things as I couldn't stay in the flat anymore (I had to ask because he had all the paperwork and I stupidly didn't know any of the details) he sent me an email saying he would give me some, but I had to agree not to ask him for any more money, or from his parents???? His mother had already been phoning about my engagement ring and his Nana's bracelet that I had borrowed (like i would take it!) - the whole family is obsessed with money. I desperately want to get over this as quickly as possible, I made a huge mistake and didn't see this man for who he really was, but I'm finding it so hard to work out what has happened. A few weeks ago, this was my husband, my best friend, the person I was looking forward to having a family with and spending my life with. I though we were so happy and I can't stop trying to work out what has happened. Now I'm leaving the country by myself, my whole life has turned upside down and I don't know who this person is who is doing these things? Edited August 11, 2011 by Viv
didntseeit Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 You need to go and talk with a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Do not let him push you around. Do it today.... I am sorry for your circumstances.
Author Viv Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 That's what so many of my friends have said, but I don't think so. He said so many nasty things to me when it finished, that I would never be successful, he would always be struggling if he was with me, I wasn't the person he fell in love with, but he swore there was no one else, not even in his mind. Im trying not to contact him because it hurts, but do you think I should just ask him outright once more? Im not sure if it would be better to know or not.
Lexygirl Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Unfortunately YOU have to think about money now too in the midst of all your pain. Like didntseeit said, go see a lawyer pronto. You should be entitled to spousal support. Hold onto your engagement ring. His mother wants it? WTF? I'd tell her to bite me lol. Good luck.
Author Viv Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Thank you for the advice, but I don't have enough money for a lawyer, and there isn't enough money involved (no house) for legal aid. So I've already accepted that I'll have to start again financially. I also don't have the energy to get into a fight with him and his family.
Author Viv Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 yes am definitely keeping the ring! I know i should have thought more about money, but I was stupid and so in love, I thought I could trust him, because I would never have done anything to hurt him. Sorry to go on, my friends are/were great at listening, but now they just tell me to stop thinking about him, because he is such a loser. But I can't because it was such a shock. But thank you for the advice about the lawyers, i did phone legal aid and they basically told me to get lost as the marriage was so short and he was so 'on the ball' about things that it was my fault he'd got all the joint savings and I didn't know where they were. Apparently they only get involve when there is a fairly large amount of money, otherwise it isn't worth the court costs.
PegNosePete Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 he swore there was no one else He's lying. Don't bother asking him any more, he'll just lie again. It's not going to help you anyway. The marriage is clearly over. There's not much point in digging, it won't get you anywhere in the long run. i did phone legal aid and they basically told me to get lost as the marriage was so short and he was so 'on the ball' about things that it was my fault he'd got all the joint savings and I didn't know where they were. Apparently they only get involve when there is a fairly large amount of money, otherwise it isn't worth the court costs. You don't mention which country you're in? If it's the UK, then this is not true at all. Make an appointment to see a local solicitor who does legal aid and they will help you. The initial consultation is usually free anyway.
Mauschen Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 I agree with others - and we see it on here all the time - people lie, especially about affairs. Most people don't leave a marriage unless they have someone else lined up. Read this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html Even though you're in pain right now, consider yourself lucky. You have an adventure coming up - one that could help you heal - and you don't have children with this man.
Author Viv Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 I emailed him, and asked him again about the cheating, and he replied (doesn't if I ask him anything else) and swore that he hadn't, that a cheat is the one thing he's not. But yes, he's shown he has no morals, compassion etc. so I'll try and accept that there could be someone else. But i don't know why he wouldn't say, when he's been so cruel in every other way, maybe because he's still trying to pretend he isn't a pig? Even to himself. He wont give me any answers, it's been a few weeks now, but I still feel like I'm being punched in the stomach about 20 times a day. I have to finish a dissertation in a month and I'm so behind, does anyone have any advice how to be able to concentrate on something like this, when all these thoughts about the relationship keep coming into my head?
bbake516 Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 I am sorry to hear that Viv. Look at it this way, it's better to know now then to wait until you have kids and find out how he is. Trust me it is so much easier to move on when kids and things aren't attached even though I know it is hard to do. I am, thinking a little birdie has been pecking at his ear (mom?). But I am far from anyone to give advice to you. I have been married for 13 years and my wife told me Monday she wants a divorce. It's really killing me. We have 2 boys together and I always pictured us together as a family forever. I am lost like you are.
Author Viv Posted August 13, 2011 Author Posted August 13, 2011 Hi, im so sorry to hear about your situation, and I know you're right, we weren't married long and thank goodness there aren't any children, I think I'm just slipping into a depression and things seem even worse than they are. did you have any idea that your wife wasn't happy? How are you holding up? If there's any advice I could give its don't beg her to change her mind, try to be reasonable if you want to reconcile, even when you're dying inside. I look back on how I acted and feel humiliated :/. Yes his mum couldn't let him go, im going to make sure the next guy I meet can make his own decisions.
bbake516 Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 Hi, im so sorry to hear about your situation, and I know you're right, we weren't married long and thank goodness there aren't any children, I think I'm just slipping into a depression and things seem even worse than they are. did you have any idea that your wife wasn't happy? How are you holding up? If there's any advice I could give its don't beg her to change her mind, try to be reasonable if you want to reconcile, even when you're dying inside. I look back on how I acted and feel humiliated :/. Yes his mum couldn't let him go, im going to make sure the next guy I meet can make his own decisions. I had no idea. I went in for treatment of depression last year in November. After several months of therapy, with my meds I was taking I was feeling better. But I guess it wasn't good enough. I wasn't exactly what she wanted I guess. I am really torn up over this. I have tried and tried to let her know that I will go out more places and do more things but she just told me that that's what she wanted before and that I only realized it when she had two feet out the door. I told her I would go to counselling and I would try to trust more people to watch our kids but she just said it was too late. It is a horrible thing knowing that there is nothing you can do to make it better. She is killing me inside and I'm about ready to just kill myself.
Author Viv Posted August 13, 2011 Author Posted August 13, 2011 (edited) Hi, I understand how you're feeling, I feel that bad too sometimes, but you wont always feel like that, I promise you. I really think the only thing you can do is try and do all those things you mentioned that you would do for your wife, trust other people to watch your children, do things for yourself etc. Even if she says she is going? Then at least you're doing something positive. From reading alot of posts on here, trying to convince someone who is leaving that you will change, doesn't work, firstly you don't want to have to convince someone to be with you, and secondly, actions speak louder than words. You still have the chance to work on things about yourself that you would like to change. It really isn't your fault that your wife is walking out if she didn't give you a chance to work on things. Im sure that if anything was wrong you would have worked on it if you could, and if you didn't know you can't blame yourself. I don't know what to say about how bad you're feeling, because alot of the time Im there too, all I tell myself is that it wont last forever, and sometimes I believe it . Hopefully someone else will have some better advice about this... Edited August 13, 2011 by Viv
2.50 a gallon Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 (edited) An affair, yes, in that he hasn't cut the strings to momma. Find an attorney, who will make the momma's boy pay for the divorce, and at the same time return half of your assets. Do not sign or agree to anything I suggest that you try doing a internet search on divorce rights and laws of your state, just to know where you stand Edited August 13, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon Missing words
Author Viv Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 Hey, Thanks for all the advice about divorce lawyers and stuff (I'm in the UK by the way) but there really isn't that much money involved, all I want to do is move on! But that seems really hard, he wont answer any of my questions about why this has happened, I don't think he ever will! Felt so bad earlier, ended up ordering self-help books from Amazon. Hope BBake is ok today?
Author Viv Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 I thought I was getting better, but this is one of the worst days so far. Before we got married we talked about it and even said that there might be some times when we don't like each other, or even feel like we don't love each other, but we will always make it work. We didn't even last a year... If he felt like that about marriage why make me believe that it would last forever and then break my heart. I want to ask him so badly, but will either hear nothing, or something that will hurt me even more. This is only my second day of NC and it's driving me crazy
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