Is it good to be civil during a divorce? Does it drag things out?

[Active_979]

My wife and I have been together for 3 years married, 4 years single but cohabitating. Long story short, we had a child after separating (not married at the time). We got married, however, things have not been good since about six months after marriage. We just can't see eye to eye. She likes "girls night out." This, often times, means she does not come home. She tells me that I should do the same with my friends. I don't see this as the right environment for our 2 year old daughter to grow up in.

 

We had problems before we were married. She cheated with three different guys. I see these "girls night's out" as opportunities to cheat and I confront her as such when she comes home. She acts like I'm crazy and that is what all women do. My question is, 'Is this true?' Is this the way people act now. I don't really know because my parents never portrayed this kind of behavior. I don't know what to think anymore...

[andyg99]

My wife and I have been together for 3 years married, 4 years single but cohabitating. Long story short, we had a child after separating (not married at the time). We got married, however, things have not been good since about six months after marriage. We just can't see eye to eye. She likes "girls night out." This, often times, means she does not come home. She tells me that I should do the same with my friends. I don't see this as the right environment for our 2 year old daughter to grow up in.

 

We had problems before we were married. She cheated with three different guys. I see these "girls night's out" as opportunities to cheat and I confront her as such when she comes home. She acts like I'm crazy and that is what all women do. My question is, 'Is this true?' Is this the way people act now. I don't really know because my parents never portrayed this kind of behavior. I don't know what to think anymore...

 

to answer your question in the title, yes, it's best to be civil... move on, take care of that little girl of yours, be the best dad you can be. And no, mature people who have their s#$t together do not act like your wife does while in a marriage. Running out to a "girls/boys nite out" is not what normal couples do on any regular basis.... once in a while maybe but it sounds like your wife is acting like a child.

 

3 different guys? divorce her before #4, 5 and 6 come along....

[monik]

My husband and I separated about a month ago. For most part, we are very cordial. We have had weekly dinners and had a couple of family outings. If a stranger were to see us, they would just think we are a happy family hanging out. I am still hoping we are just cooling off and not really separating/divorcing, so I am keeping hope that we'll reconcile.

 

Anyway, about the girls night out....when I do girls night out with my girlfriends, it is truly GIRLS night out only. Us girls just talk, drink and party with each other, we don't ever flirt or involve any guys.

[jeff2321]

My advise is to always keep composure and don't ever yell or raise your voice. Do not give her any reason to involve the police or the opportunity to put a restraining order on you, even if she is the one that is out of line.

 

A buddy of mine is still dealing with the damage to his police record after his drug addicted crazy ex-wife got him arrested on domestic violence charges. The charges were eventually dropped, but the arrest is still on his record and even 8 years later various employers ask him questions about the incident. I think he's even been denied employment a few times because of it. We live in a digital age where every action we take is recorded in a database somewhere and NEVER deleted... which makes it hard for the past to stay in the past.

 

One of the few good things I can say I did with my ex is I kept my composure the day she left me. I even gave her $2,000 so she could get a place of her own so she didn't have to stay living with me to save the money. She wanted out but didn't save any money, so I was faced with living with my ex who no longer wanted me to be with me anymore. Based on how on her salary, it would have taken her probably 6 weeks or longer. For me, giving her the $2,000 was well worth it and helped get us away from each other so nothing worse would happen -- I was so mentally wrecked from her ending it I didn't trust myself at that point, it was the best decision I could have made that day, even though it took every ounce of my being to let her go. Tears come to my eyes just writing this...

 

Anyways, always be civil, even if she's being completely heartless to you. Be firm in what you will handle from her, but do it in a civil and composed manner. State your position and then let it go. I followed these rules and my separation went a lot better than it could have. Another guy I know played hard ball with his wife and spent a few nights in jail, 80k in legal fees fighting his wife in court (over and over)... it's just not worth it.

 

Life's too short for fighting...

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Jeff2321

Edited August 11, 2011 by jeff2321

[debtman]

Being civil is the BEST option. Every time you raise your voice, argue or do spiteful things, it will only cost you time and money...and it sounds like she's not worth either (sorry).

 

My stbx left me for OM and there were SO many times I wanted to give her a piece of my mind, but she's not worth it. My kids are the most important thing and they're the ONLY reason I still have any dealings with her. They don't need to see us fighting and, if she and I don't get along, it will only make things more difficult for the kids.

 

Now, I haven't gotten as "civil" as Andy99 and I still can't put myself into a situation where I'm around OM. Mostly because I have no respect for him (or her really) and the last thing I want to see is my kids interacting with him. I have come to grips with the fact that they like him and, I'm glad that's the case, better than them hating him.

 

Anyway, make the right choice, take the higher road and be the better person.

 

Good luck and keep posting...