twice bitten Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 [FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]My wife had an affair about 15 years ago and it was something we worked through. Although I have never excused her behavior, I was comfortable at that time that there were unique circumstances that contributed to the affair. Since then we have had a great marriage, have had 4 kids and no complaints on my side regarding our relationship. For many years after the affair I checked up on her, questioned everything, checked cell phone records and even installed spy software on our computer. I never saw anything that was remotely suspicious. Even though it was never obsessive, after many years I slowed down a lot on the monitoring would check things out only once or twice a year. During a recent random check I discovered hundreds of cell phone calls to a co-worker over the past few months. I confronted her and after some discussion, she admitted that she feels that she did cross the line and that the relationship did develop into something inappropriate but that there was nothing physical at all. I know this may sound naive, but I do believe that there was no physical relationship. I cannot think of anytime during the past six months where she was not with either me or all 4 of our kids (and believe me, I thought hard). She has never been out late a night or been gone by herself for any extended period. I discussed it with his wife and she feels the same way, we live in different towns and she can’t think of any times where he would have been able to physically cheat. My wife said that they started calling each other regarding work stuff, then kept doing it more and more and then their talks started moving away from work and got more personal (family, kids, problems, etc.). She does admit that it was an emotional affair. The problem now is the kids….some people think couples should not stay together because of the kids, but if you can, should you? (without physical abuse, emotional abuse, constant fighting, etc.) I really think that I can deal with this and we can work back to a “normal” relationship and the kids would never know and enjoy their childhood. That being said, once the kids are gone, I have absolutely no intentions of staying with my wife. The biggest reason I do want to stay is that I want to raise my kids. I want to tuck them into bed at night, help them with homework, go to every sports game, etc. I do not want to be an every other weekend dad. So, if I can make it work should I stay because of the kids? Also, how bad of a person will I be if I lead my wife on having her believe that we are going to work it out, then serve her with divorce papers, out of the blue, the day the last kid graduates (in about 5 years)? [/sIZE][/FONT]
Owl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 IF you can work it out, you stay because you love her and you believe that your marriage and your relationship can recover and become a great relationship. Given that she's basically done this twice....I personally don't believe that's possible. Staying "for the kids" typically turns into a horrible situation for everyone. If you can't truly reconcile and recover your marriage...and if you don't believe you'll be able to forgive and cope internally with her affair....then don't stay. File for divorce if that's how you really feel. I don't feel either path is "right" or "wrong". YOU have to decide which path is best for yourself. Your children will benefit from having loving, happy parents. Whether or not the two of you are still married.
Tech_E Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 You already know your answer, otherwise you wouldn't be here and wouldn't have chosen such a username. It's time to divorce and move on. I don't believe in the once a cheater always a cheater always applies. However, when it does happen it's out the door. If you fully intend on tossing her out once the kids are gone why wait? You know full well you can co-parent if you both act like adults. The kids will be JUST fine. For the record I wouldn't believe a SINGLE word she says. Period. Nothing you can't 100% verify. I gave my one chance in my marriage, if there is even a hint of anything EVER again my wife knows we are done. She accepted that. By the way what were the consequences of her actions the first time she cheated? Did you agree to reconcile right away? Personally I don't feel reconciling right away is the best course of action. I feel there must be swift and extremely severe consequences if you have any hope of preventing such behavior a second time.
Steen719 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) It is hard to decide which is best; I agree. My H had an affair 14 years ago and I had one child, a 7 year old son. (at this point, I had been married 8 years) I didn't know he was having an affair and I begged and pleaded with him to tell me what was so bad about me that he had to leave. Once I found out, I made plans to get out and started feeling better. Once that happened, of course, he changed his mind. I took him back and we went forward. I will say that a lot of why I decided to continue with the marriage was because of my son and now I am not sure that was the right answer and my current situation is why, I guess. Lots of stuff happened between then and now and there is no need to make you read that, but now I am in a situation that I believe my H is doing something..I am now trying to determine what exactly, but it is not good, whatever it is. I might think that staying with him was a good idea if this wasn't happening, but I am not sure and of course, can't say that. My son grew up with his dad and his dad coached baseball, encouraged his music and was (is) a good dad. He is 20 now and he has said that he wants us to both be happy, so he is Ok with it if we divorce. He says if it the worst thing that ever happens to him, he will be alright. Who knows if that is true? I have read a lot about this in my desire to do the right thing and what I have found in the literature is that often it is more difficult and changes a child's perception of marriage more (negatively, as in trust issues) if you divorce while they are older. The younger they are, as long as they have consistent contact with both parents, they seem to adjust better. This is the literature, now, and I can't say this is true or not. I'm sorry this is so long and about me, but I wanted to give you my perception of the situation as it happened to me. Either way, it sucks, and I am sorry you are in this situation. Edited August 10, 2011 by Steen719
Author twice bitten Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) Thank you for the responses, just getting this out and reading your thoughts is helping already Regarding loving my wife, now that I think about it, I don’t think I have for a long time. There was so much pain and consequence after the first affair – we lost all of our friends, moved away, had to quit jobs, etc. that after dealing with that for years I don’t think there has been any more "love". But, as I said, we really have had a good time together since things healed – we rarely fight, we love raising our family together, and we have a great sex life. The reason I don’t think there was any more love is because this time really doesn’t hurt as much as last time – it is almost like it is a relief??? I have also realized that I am not saying “for the kids”, as in their well being, I think it is more for me to be with them as much as possible. We live in a town with no other family and frankly my kids are my life. I work long hours and when I come home I am with them completely….no golfing, no fishing, nothing….maybe I should get a hobby! I just can’t imagine moving out, and not seeing my kids every day like I do now. I love coming home to a house full after a long day at the office. Basically I have been “co-habituating” with my wife raising a family for 15 years and it has been fine. I think I can do it for another 5 and then move on. I guess I am looking for confirmation that by staying until the kids graduate that I am not being too big of a jerk leading her on knowing I am walking out in 5 years. Edited August 10, 2011 by twice bitten
Woman In Blue Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 The biggest reason I do want to stay is that I want to raise my kids. I want to tuck them into bed at night, help them with homework, go to every sports game, etc. I do not want to be an every other weekend dad Let's be honest - if the last one is graduating in 5 years, that makes the youngest around 13, so I would have to assume you're not tucking ANY of them into bed at this stage in their lives (and it's kind of creepy if you are at these ages). And you can still go to 'every game' they all have - why do you have to be married and living in the same house as your wife in order to be able to attend games? Stay in your kids' lives after you move out and you'll KNOW when all their games are. Pretty simple. When kids are much younger, the non-custodial parent DOES become the "every other weekend parent" - that's just how it plays out. But not so much when the kids are older. My son didn't stick to the custody schedule when he got into his older teens - if he felt like staying at dad's house for a random week, he did. If he hung out there for the weekend then stretched it into 4 or 5 days, he did. He pretty much decided when he was going to hang at his dad's house and it wasn't all regimented like it is when kids are 5 or 8 years old. And when they're older, it's a bit silly having 'sleepovers' every other weekend at the non-custodial parent's house, anyway. Teenagers have social lives and friends and TONS of drama - they don't have time to be sleeping over dad's house and watching reruns of sitcoms when they can be at the biggest party or social gathering of the school year over at their friends' house. And trust me, they won't be to be sitting home with mom EITHER that evening - they'll be out at the big party. And if you still lived in the house, they'd STILL be going to the big party and leaving the old parents home to RUST a little more. It's just a whole different ballgame once they hit their teens and later teens. Your wife has some serious boundary issues, obviously. She already almost destroyed your marriage ONCE, and was headed right back down that same path all over again. And you'd be surprised at how cheaters and liars can squeeze a half hour of time out for a quickie in the backseat of a car or in a closet somewhere. Most folks who've found out their spouses were in affairs SWORE they were either at work or at home - so how was it possible that their spouse got away with it??? You'd be surprised at how possible it IS. Leaving work an hour early, lunch times, getting into work an hour late, leaving work for an hour for a fake doctor's appt., etc. etc. The possibilities are quite endless, actually. You say it was a coworker she was involved with, but then you say there was NEVER a time she wasn't with you or all of your kids. Well where does she find the time to WORK, then? Does she do it from home? That's confusing. In either event, you've checked out of this marriage (and I don't fault you for it at ALL). Stop falling on the sword for the 'good of the kids' and staying another 5 years. You're going to put a LOAD of guilt on your last kid if you leave your wife after that child has left for college - he/she will feel like their leaving had something to do with the separation. Do it now and let them all get used to the idea that this is the way life is going to be, and that's that. It's silly to play charades for the next 5 years.
Author twice bitten Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Thanks for your thoughts - just to clarify, they are teachers in different schools but the same school district and work on a committe together. She does not work in the summer, so she has been home with the kids when the calls started getting out of hand. I understand about quickies and that it doesn't take much time to be physical, my thought process is that there has not been any times on weekends or evenings that we have not been together since the calls started (which would be the best times to start a physical relationship). I have the call logs and see that there were no calls or texts at all until late June. Then they kept building until I found out in late July. Becasue it seems to be in the early stage, I just don't think they would have met on a Tuesday afternoon for sex that early in thier relationship....but you are right that they could have. Either way, an emotional affair is just as bad (if not worse) and as you said I am checking out of the marraige.....just not sure when to leave!
Tech_E Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 If you've already made up your mind to leave, then why wait? How old are the kids? If they are the age I think they are then you are using this as a justification to stay. It's just a mental block. The kids will be fine. How do you think she'll react to a divorce? Perhaps it's time to seperate for a while? Don't stay for the kids, because if you do, then you'll find another reason to stay, then another, then another. Your wife is incapable of staying faithful to you, she does not deserve you. It's time to sit her down and explain this to her.
Steen719 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I would not make a decision based on how she feels or if you think you are being a jerk to lead her on for 5 years. If you have "checked out" of the marriage (who can blame you, really?), then maybe you can work out co-parenting in different houses. I had a friend who did that and he and his XW were amicable about the situation. One week one parent, the next week the other. I would also have a problem with not being with my children every day, but I can only imagine what 5 more years of resentment and wondering if she was off doing it again would do do you. I don't know about you, but I am sick of worrying about someone who does not really give a crap about me. I agree with tech..talk to her and tell her this is what you are thinking.
LifesontheUp Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Actually, I think that you should do what YOU want to do at this point in time. Clearly your wife has no respect or boundaries and did HER thing twice previously. Probably going to get a lot of flack about this, but I don't see anything wrong if you want to wait it out for another 5 years. After all you've gone the last 15 years with her recently going behind your back again Why you are worrying about your wife who has no boundaries or respect for you? Its "twice bittens" time so do what you have to do is what I say.
SidLyon Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 [FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]My wife had an affair about 15 years ago and it was something we worked through. Although I have never excused her behavior, I was comfortable at that time that there were unique circumstances that contributed to the affair.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial]Since then we have had a great marriage, have had 4 kids and no complaints on my side regarding our relationship. For many years after the affair I checked up on her, questioned everything, checked cell phone records and even installed spy software on our computer. I never saw anything that was remotely suspicious. Even though it was never obsessive, after many years I slowed down a lot on the monitoring would check things out only once or twice a year.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial]During a recent random check I discovered hundreds of cell phone calls to a co-worker over the past few months. I confronted her and after some discussion, she admitted that she feels that she did cross the line and that the relationship did develop into something inappropriate but that there was nothing physical at all.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial]I know this may sound naive, but I do believe that there was no physical relationship. I cannot think of anytime during the past six months where she was not with either me or all 4 of our kids (and believe me, I thought hard). She has never been out late a night or been gone by herself for any extended period. I discussed it with his wife and she feels the same way, we live in different towns and she can’t think of any times where he would have been able to physically cheat.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial]My wife said that they started calling each other regarding work stuff, then kept doing it more and more and then their talks started moving away from work and got more personal (family, kids, problems, etc.). She does admit that it was an emotional affair.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial]The problem now is the kids….some people think couples should not stay together because of the kids, but if you can, should you? (without physical abuse, emotional abuse, constant fighting, etc.) [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial]I really think that I can deal with this and we can work back to a “normal” relationship and the kids would never know and enjoy their childhood. That being said, once the kids are gone, I have absolutely no intentions of staying with my wife.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial]The biggest reason I do want to stay is that I want to raise my kids. I want to tuck them into bed at night, help them with homework, go to every sports game, etc. I do not want to be an every other weekend dad.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial]So, if I can make it work should I stay because of the kids? [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial]Also, how bad of a person will I be if I lead my wife on having her believe that we are going to work it out, then serve her with divorce papers, out of the blue, the day the last kid graduates (in about 5 years)?[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][/sIZE][/FONT] Hmm I would have said the same about my H. Never away in the evenings at weekends or overnight. You say that your wife was with you all the time but she also had the A with a co-worker. Do you work with your wife too? If not, have you considered possibility of a lunch time affair? My H's A was conducted 100% in their lunchtimes and went on for many years. They never paid for hotel rooms so I wouldn't have had a clue except for finding the e-mails.
YellowShark Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Once a cheater not always a cheater... twice a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater.
silktricks Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 If you are going to divorce her (and I've got to admit that I would if I were you), then do so. Get a place close by and explain to your kids that they are welcome at ANY time. If they'll be graduating in about 5 years, then they are in middle school now, and certainly capable of choosing who they want to live with. As far as the deceit you plan. IMO opinion deceit is deceit. I don't understand why you would think your deceit would be justified. It will damage you in the long run. Take the high road and make your life changes now.
jnj express Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 If you wanna stay in the mge., for kids, then set it up like that, tell her you are now nothing more than roommates, who share finances for kids, and taxes, and that when the last kid has left, you will be moving on Get seperate rooms in the house, and let her go----I am thinking this will wake her up real fast, if she has any love left for you----as to yourself, if you can't/don't wanna be with her, just do your thing---basically call it an in home/staying at home, legal seperation Definitely do not move out---also, just out of curiosity, WHY has your wife needed to have 2 seperate A's on you---what was so terrible about you or the mge., that she has needed to give herself to others---or does she have lingering FOO problems????
reboot Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I guess I'm going to disagree with some people I normally don't disagree with. If what you really want is to stay for your kids, AND you can be happy doing that, then go for it. Who cares how she feels when you divorce her? What is going to make YOU (and your kids) happiest? There was a poster here years ago, I can't remember his user name, but old timers here will probably remember his story. His wife cheated and they reconciled. He said at the time he was only staying till his daughter graduated High School (he said that here, not to his wife). He only had a couple of years till that happened though. And that's exactly what he did. He served her with divorce papers as soon as the daughter graduated. He moved to Vegas after the divorce and seemed quite happy at the way things worked out. Seeking advice is admirable, but in the end, you have to do what works best for you. No one here can know what that is.
aeg512 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I am one that thinks you need to be up front with your WW. To me, what your are proposing puts you in the same catagory as those that have A's, beign sneaky. Now to me she would have five years to work on herself and the marriage so maybe you would still wish to be with her. However, be honest up front.
worldgonewrong Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 It is hard to decide which is best; I agree. My H had an affair 14 years ago and I had one child, a 7 year old son. (at this point, I had been married 8 years) I didn't know he was having an affair and I begged and pleaded with him to tell me what was so bad about me that he had to leave. Once I found out, I made plans to get out and started feeling better. Once that happened, of course, he changed his mind. I took him back and we went forward. I will say that a lot of why I decided to continue with the marriage was because of my son and now I am not sure that was the right answer and my current situation is why, I guess. Lots of stuff happened between then and now and there is no need to make you read that, but now I am in a situation that I believe my H is doing something..I am now trying to determine what exactly, but it is not good, whatever it is. I might think that staying with him was a good idea if this wasn't happening, but I am not sure and of course, can't say that. My son grew up with his dad and his dad coached baseball, encouraged his music and was (is) a good dad. He is 20 now and he has said that he wants us to both be happy, so he is Ok with it if we divorce. He says if it the worst thing that ever happens to him, he will be alright. Who knows if that is true? I have read a lot about this in my desire to do the right thing and what I have found in the literature is that often it is more difficult and changes a child's perception of marriage more (negatively, as in trust issues) if you divorce while they are older. The younger they are, as long as they have consistent contact with both parents, they seem to adjust better. This is the literature, now, and I can't say this is true or not. I'm sorry this is so long and about me, but I wanted to give you my perception of the situation as it happened to me. Either way, it sucks, and I am sorry you are in this situation. Steen - in reading this, I sorta wish my kids were older. They're young (like 7 and 11) and I fear the repercussions of all this at such a tender age. At 20, I can see them processing this stuff with more maturity and less fear (on their parts).
Steen719 Posted August 12, 2011 Posted August 12, 2011 Steen - in reading this, I sorta wish my kids were older. They're young (like 7 and 11) and I fear the repercussions of all this at such a tender age. At 20, I can see them processing this stuff with more maturity and less fear (on their parts). Yeah, that is the biggest reason I stayed. But most of what I have read says young kids get used to 2 houses arrangement and God knows, with 51% divorce in this country, they have many friends who have to deal with it to. The older kids, like my son, can process it better, but long term, it seems that they feel betrayed by what they thought was a good marriage and then all of a sudden, their parents are splitting up. My marriage has some other precipitating factors that may have eased my son into this thought that it not be the worst thing (husband's illness and a whole lotta other crap that went with it). I guess it is hard no matter when it happens and is really so sad. I did not think I would be part of this statistic or that my son would. Best to you.
linwood Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 I guess I am looking for confirmation that by staying until the kids graduate that I am not being too big of a jerk leading her on knowing I am walking out in 5 years. I completely understand your desire to be with your kids. Leading your wife on to believe she is set for life when you lag to leave her in 5 years is being very dickish. I don`t have a problem with it though since she`s been more than dickish with her affairs. Follow your plan.
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