babyygirllhi Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I had a 1 year relationship with a guy. He is 22, im 24. Im american and lived in sweden for 4 years, he is swedish. I first want to say, I believe he has a problem with emotions. I don't think he understands his emotions, like he can't tell how he will feel, until he feels it kind of. His mom seems the same way, blocks off emotions. But he listens and wants to learn. But he is like, emtionally disconnected. Well, he was but has changed very VERY much due to me. I helped him open up tons, because i'm a girl of emotions and I follow my heart. (He says he likes this). The whole relationship was crazy. We lived in different cities, I had plans to move back to Florida 1 year from when we met (so im moving in 2 weeks...), and he had always wanted to be alone, was independent, logical, never wanted a relationship, never been in one. But he fell in love for the first time and couldnt be apart. Through the whole relationship, i FELT he wasnt ready for me. It showed very much. Something wasnt right the whole time, he had to be with me, but wasnt ready and felt pain from not being able to be alone even though he just had to be with me. I am ready for marriage etc and actually opened his eyes to those thoughts and he loves the way I see love. We traveled to Florida, he said its the number one place he wants to live and has always wanted to move from Sweden to somewhere warmer . He is also the kind of person that can't imagine how something will feel. He has to go through it to know how it will feel. He can't say if he likes or dislikes something unless he tries it. He also says every summer, he forgets how much he hates the long swedish winter...then when winter comes he is like "RIGHT!! Now i remember!" Anyway, we spent 24/7 together and travelled a lot but a bit before making our next plans (to move or whatever) he decided to break up. It was a long struggle for both of us. He says its the hardest thing he has ever gone through, said he was still in love, but needs to be alone to find himself. He is a bit hard to please I guess, because he hasnt figured out what makes him happy. All I can say is if it weren't for him being lost in this world, we would be the happiest people in the world. We are closer than anyone can be. Best friends. And extremely attracted to eachother. But he is just so lost in himself. It was the hardest time of my life, to watch him let me go, even though i felt that he was still in love. He pushed me away. I told him he blocks his emotions and its human to feel, he listened and agreed. After 3 weeks not seeing eachother, we decided for him to come visit me before I move back to Florida (which is in 2 weeks). Neither of us were sure how it would feel and it took time to decide, but we both decided on him coming to stay 1 night. i met with him at the train station, and the second we saw eachother we just held eachoher so tight, giggled, grabbed eachothers faces, looked into eachothers eyes, hugged for minutes. then he picked me up and held me. then kissed me. it was unreal. we walked, giggled, talked, smiled, held hands, giggled about how it felt like old days, and walked back to my place. He looked confident and happy. I also showed confidence and happiness. We ended up talking a lot about life, stayed up late, made love over and over, i FEEL his love for me. I have taught him so much about feeling things. When we first met, he had never made loved (he had sex but not often... and had never made love. he didnt like sex, because he had a problem with it, like not being comfortable). So the sex we have is like true passion, nothing like it was when we first met, and it took him months to learn to feel the passion, to feel me. (another sign somehing is wrong with his emotions). I dont know if this is some sort of disease, but I do know his mom seems the same way. Emotionless... feels only happiness. Anyway, We talked about life and how he is figuring out what he wants, i told him some things about our past relationship and how i think he is hard to please with anything, he agreed, etc. He said i'm amazing, everything i said about my life, his life, he agreed with and said im amazing. But he has it so deep in him that he needs to be alone and figure out what he wants in life and what makes him happy. I agree. I also told him that during our relationship i always had to try to please him, because he was never happy. he agreed and said he felt bad it was like that. When we made love, it was such passion, as always, and just amazing. We left and cried and held eachoher and kissed and looked back at eachother. It's left with him going his own way to figure out what makes him happy and what he wants in life. Can i truly be the right girl for him? I mean, he is a VERY sweet guy, but nothing is ever good enough...even tho he is a very positive person and kind and happy guy. He is always making fun of things and complaining kinda. I told him this, and he listened very closely and agreed and says this is why he needs to be alone, to find himself. I can see that he is struggling with himself, to find himself and what he wants. But thats what makes him so amazing, he wants to make himself better! And he listens open mindedly and learns! I have never loved a human being more than i do him, not even close!!! I love this guy more than ANYTHING. and i have never come close to being so attracted, omg. and i know that it's the same for him. but he is a strong person and logical and does what is best for him. what it feels in the moment. I truly believe he has an emotional problem, however maybe not a disease, just grew up with his mom being that way, so needs to learn emotions. He has never gone through anything difficult in life, etc. Just had a very easygoing life with a mom that wouldnt talk much about emotions. at all. And i feel like i have been that person, i have taught him to feel and open up, and he knows this. Any advice? I WILL move on, and i am ... but it kills me on the inside not knowing if we will ever end up together again. Can anyone see us being together after he finds himself? I would do anything to be with him. im just so scared, knowing he "loves" me but needs to be alone makes it hard for me to EVER let go. will he ever be ready and will he want to be with me? I mean, i can see myself in a couple years falling in love, but still have him in the back of my mind as what if...and i just dont see myself ever ever ever being able to let him go. Before we left, he was holding me tight and said "dont you feel the love i have for you?" he has never had a girlfriend besides me .. and opened up SOOO much for me and taught him a lot about emotions... but was i just there to teach him? Like a mom raising a kid then sending him off to college, the real world? Am i not the right girl for him if he can let me go? even though it was very hard on him? or is it all because he is so emotionally disconnected? Im so confused! (and please dont say "you dont want to be with someone so emotionally disconnected". This guy makes me happier than anyone and is so kind and caring and Im just wow...) also... he would NEVER do anything to hurt me and is the kindest person in the world. he is NOT using me. whats the best advice? Stop being the "mother figure" teaching him things...i'm always giving him advice and teaching him to open up etc. Maybe once I stop, he will have to see for himself? And it will only take tie for him to FEEL what it is to truly not have me? He even says "i cant think far ahead, i can only feel what i do now". he has also told me that in big cities, he doesnt take everything in at once... like me, i hear loud noices, see peple and cars, etc.. but he doesnt. he takes in very little at a time. is this a disease? He told me today before he left that he thinks of me often and does miss me, but knows he needs to be alone. Maybe he knows he has a problem.. i just love him so insanely much, and besides this part of him, we are amazing together and he teaches me things, we love the same things and laugh all the time and are just, best friends...
wilsonx Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) You cant teach or change people. People have to do that on their own. You stated the problem in the very beginning of the first paragraph. I first want to say, I believe he has a problem with emotions. I don't think he understands his emotions, like he can't tell how he will feel, until he feels it kind of. His mom seems the same way, blocks off emotions.This is a huge red flag I mean huge. You should read my post and then Mack's follow up to it. Both are excellent examples of our experiences with people like this. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291762/ You need to stay NC and start moving away from this. As Mack said in other posts today, its a toxic relationship. You have this need to try and fix him and hes feeding off your love/emotions to cover up the hurt that he has. I know you love him but you have to love yourself more and not put yourself in these types of toxic relationships in the future. To go on further, people that are emotionally unavailable are this way because usually their mom is like this and are missing the father figure in their life. You did not mention his father at all. Edited August 10, 2011 by wilsonx
Mcnulty Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I kept saying to myself, when reading, "he has aspergers syndrome!". if he has, the walls will be very difficult to break down, especially with distance between you. he may not have a.s, he may be emotiaonally immature, this being his first love. Do what your heart tells you, you sound like a great lady.
Mack05 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) Reading this thread the first thing that came into my mind was that classic scene from friends season 2, think its episode 7. Joey: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea? Phoebe: Um...hm. Joey: This man is my god! Sadly this is a tough lesson you will have to learn. I am 110% sure what I said in your other thread will come to pass -> "Although I am fully expecting you to meet him, get really hurt and post on here in a few days. Some people don't want to help themselves. Please Babygirlhi don't be one of these people..". It may take a few weeks, even months but you will post a heartbroken thread. He is like a drug. Everyone knows it is bad for you, everyone knows your heading down a bad path, but like the drug user the feeling is too good for you to stop yourself. Follow your heart is not always the best advice you can get. He is going to break your heart...Everyone can see it, except you. This is a life lesson sadly you will need to learn the hard way. The longer you stay attached, the harder the road back. Sadly in one ear, out the next. Indeed like serviceduck you just choose to ignore advice if it is anyway negative. Yes it's harsh but it's reality Babygirl. I urge you RIGHT NOW to leave go. Sadly in one ear, out the next. When he leaves you down, please buy the book 'breaking your addiction to a person'. Edited August 10, 2011 by Mack05
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Reading this thread the first thing that came into my mind was that classic scene from friends season 2, think its episode 7. Joey: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea? Phoebe: Um...hm. Joey: This man is my god! Sadly this is a tough lesson you will have to learn. I am 110% sure what I said in your other thread will come to pass -> "Although I am fully expecting you to meet him, get really hurt and post on here in a few days. Some people don't want to help themselves. Please Babygirlhi don't be one of these people..". It may take a few weeks, even months but you will post a heartbroken thread. He is like a drug. Everyone knows it is bad for you, everyone knows your heading down a bad path, but like the drug user the feeling is too good for you to stop yourself. Follow your heart is not always the best advice you can get. He is going to break your heart...Everyone can see it, except you. This is a life lesson sadly you will need to learn the hard way. The longer you stay attached, the harder the road back. Sadly in one ear, out the next. Indeed like serviceduck you just choose to ignore advice if it is anyway negative. Yes it's harsh but it's reality Babygirl. I urge you RIGHT NOW to leave go. Sadly in one ear, out the next. When he leaves you down, please buy the book 'breaking your addiction to a person'. I guess people are just different. I actually feel better. I didnt want it to end with me a total mess. We left eachother both crying, us hugging, and going our own way. Its so obvious we shouldnt be together, no matter how much we love eachother. I actually woke up feeling like a new person, ready to move forward. Sure, in the back of my mind i think well, if it's meant to be ... but i was also able to see him with clear eyes. He is a mess. And since he is a mess, he isn't ready to treat someone right. So even though i'm crazy in love with the guy he is, i'm not in love with how he treated me, or would today. Maybe one day when he grows up and is finally happy with imself and has found himself, he will come bcak to me. But maybe i will be far gone. Either way, seeing him was the best thing I could have done
Mack05 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I guess people are just different. I actually feel better. I didnt want it to end with me a total mess. We left eachother both crying, us hugging, and going our own way. Its so obvious we shouldnt be together, no matter how much we love eachother. I actually woke up feeling like a new person, ready to move forward. Sure, in the back of my mind i think well, if it's meant to be ... but i was also able to see him with clear eyes. He is a mess. And since he is a mess, he isn't ready to treat someone right. So even though i'm crazy in love with the guy he is, i'm not in love with how he treated me, or would today. Maybe one day when he grows up and is finally happy with imself and has found himself, he will come bcak to me. But maybe i will be far gone. Either way, seeing him was the best thing I could have done Babygirlhi, if you still feel like this weeks/months down the line it would be hard for me to argue with you, but for me you are in total complete and utter denial.
Author babyygirllhi Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Babygirlhi, if you still feel like this weeks/months down the line it would be hard for me to argue with you, but for me you are in total complete and utter denial. well there is no arguing with that. and i will be in denial until the day we are either back together, or i meet someone who makes me realize this guy wasnt the one for me. however, i do know i can wake up , go about my day, and fall asleep feeling good. im moving on. but yes, i will have hope for a very long time i do believe and there is still questioning going on in my head... how can it not when i FEEL the love he has for me? you know ... who is to say i have to let go competely? i will one day ... and the fact that i'm doing things and meeting friends and laughing and studying and living tells me its ok to not let go, not until im ready
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