soapopera Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) I'm his first girlfriend (we're in our mid-20s) and he's completely romantically clueless. Prior to me he had gone on ZERO dates and hardly knew what dating even was. I'm not sure he even knows what romantic gestures are, from his history it sounds like he's never really flirted in his life, and sometimes in awkward silences he'll admit he has no idea what he's supposed to do. It's a little frustrating just because I'm supposedly in a relationship and put in a lot of work but feel decidedly unromanced. I'd like for him to lead the direction of the relationship too. I feel like we could be really great together, but he needs to learn the language of love. Any suggestions? How can I help this guy out? Edited August 10, 2011 by soapopera
chphan Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I'm his first girlfriend (we're in our mid-20s) and he's completely romantically clueless. Prior to me he had gone on ZERO dates and hardly knew what dating even was. I'm not sure he even knows what romantic gestures are, from his history it sounds like he's never really flirted in his life, and sometimes in awkward silences he'll admit he has no idea what he's supposed to do. It's a little frustrating just because I'm supposedly in a relationship and put in a lot of work but feel decidedly unromanced. I'd like for him to lead the direction of the relationship too. I feel like we could be really great together, but he needs to learn the language of love. Any suggestions? How can I help this guy out? Err why not just be direct and tell him what you want from him in terms of romance? If you think you and him would be great together than help him. Not all guys have great confidence in themselves and know what the girl wants. He can't lead if he doesn't know what to do which doesn't make him a bad guy.
Cee Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Give him suggestions and tell him what you like. Be gentle and funny about it. After telling him, drop the subject. Let him mull on your ideas and maybe he'll surprise you. Also do romantic gestures for him. Make him a gift, write him a love letter, bake him cookies, etc. If you model romantic behavior, he may develop confidence to do it as well. Also, you can interpret the fact that you are his very first girlfriend to be romantic. Of all the women in the world he could have chosen, he picked you.
Author soapopera Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I think the tricky part is knowing how to tell him without diminishing his confidence, but being direct/obvious enough that someone as clueless as him will get the message. I don't want to make it feel like I'm forcing him to do something romantic (it should be organic) or placing performance pressure on him. I hope he'll learn, but I'm still not quite sure how to go about this. There are some good ideas above though.
SteveC80 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 d. I'd like for him to lead the direction of the relationship too. Why? if hes never been in a relationship why cant you guide at first and then when he meets comfortable you can meet halfway Why do you want him to do all the work as you sit back?
Author soapopera Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Why? if hes never been in a relationship why cant you guide at first and then when he meets comfortable you can meet halfway Why do you want him to do all the work as you sit back? I never said I want him to do all the work, or that I want to sit back, but without his initiating romantic gestures at times I feel everything I do is one-sided.
SteveC80 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I never said I want him to do all the work, or that I want to sit back, but without his initiating romantic gestures at times I feel everything I do is one-sided. But you said you want him to guide the relationship which means you want it to be one sided the other way Why cant you both guide?
Els Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Wow, the trolls are onto this post like hawks on to the only rat left in the field, rofl. OP, I think Cee gave very good advice. From what it sounds like, though, you are already feeling resentment for having to be a mentor instead of a romantic partner. If you don't feel like this R is worth that, don't.
SteveC80 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Wow, the trolls are onto this post like hawks on to the only rat left in the field, rofl. OP, I think Cee gave very good advice. From what it sounds like, though, you are already feeling resentment for having to be a mentor instead of a romantic partner. If you don't feel like this R is worth that, don't. WHy am i a troll? the other guy yes but all im saying is if shes that into this guy give him some leeway if its his first relationship hes gonna make some mistakes and she can tell him what she likes and what she wants You seem to be of the mindset that since hes made a few mistakes she should dump him and dump him fast, how considerate
Els Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 WHy am i a troll? the other guy yes but all im saying is if shes that into this guy give him some leeway if its his first relationship hes gonna make some mistakes and she can tell him what she likes and what she wants You seem to be of the mindset that since hes made a few mistakes she should dump him and dump him fast, how considerate Where did I say that? If that had been what I intended to say, I wouldn't have lauded Cee's advice, would I? You need to learn to read.
Mr. Slim Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 You haven't given any examples of what "romantic gestures" are... precisely what do you want him to do? He might just be decidedly un-romantic by nature, not inexperience.
Professor X Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 You knew what you're getting in to; He has no past experience and therefor you can't expect anything really because it sounds like you're complaining. It is your responsibility to teach him what to do, how to do it and when to do it. You want him to do something? Than just tell him "It'd be nice if you'd surprise me with roses from time to time" etc etc... whatever that ticks you. But honestly, don't expect him to come up with this on his own.
Enchanted Girl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Whoa, some of you guys need to calm down. Right now, she's on the opposite extreme where she's initiating everything. I agree that he shouldn't have to initiate all romance either, but that doesn't mean she isn't struggling with a real problem. Like what other people said, do things for him that you want him to do for you and remember that we live in modern times. You shouldn't need him to initiate ALL romantic gestures himself, ever, and I honestly can't understand girls who feel this way. Don't you love him? Doesn't that mean that going out of your way to show him this should feel exciting to you? Last night, I was feeling greatful to my boyfriend, so I serenaded him with Christina Aguilera's song "Save Me From Myself" which is about how I'm not always the best girlfriend, but his patience and love is amazing and he wound up serenading a song back to me and soon we were serenading songs back and forth for the next hour all regarding our feelings for one another. It was very romantic and we kissed and made love afterwards and I'm not upset by the fact that I was the one to initiate it. I did it because I love him and wanted to express that love to him. I compliment him and ask him to compliment me sometimes when I'm feeling insecure. We take turns taking each other out to dinner. Showing him how you want to be treated will help a lot. Sit him down and tell him the kinds of things you want him to say or do for you and if you're calm and non-hysterical about it, he'll listen and probably start doing them. Compliment him when this happens so he'll continue this behavior, but that doesn't mean you should do nothing and that he should take charge. Romance should be mutual because you both love one another.
Cypress25 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 It is your responsibility to teach him what to do, how to do it and when to do it. Why is it her responsibility to teach him these things? Just because she had the bad luck of being his first girlfriend? That's not her fault. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. It's not fair to your partner to force them into the role of teacher. If he doesn't know what to do, how to do it, or when to do it, then he better start learning. There are enough sex/dating advice articles and forums on the Internet that he could look into, as a starting point. He should have a natural curiosity about these things anyway, especially at his age. Everyone was a beginner at one time, and we all learn from experience. But that doesn't mean you should expect your partner to provide you with a step-by-step instruction manual. That takes all the fun out of dating. If you're inexperienced, that's your problem and you need to take the initiative in acquiring some skills. Don't punish your more experienced partner by acting like a helpless child who can't figure out anything for himself. I would never expect my boyfriend to teach me how to be a good girlfriend. It's my responsibility to know how to do that.
FitChick Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Get a bunch of chick flick romantic DVDs and watch with him, cooing "Oh, how wonderful, how thoughtful of him, how romantic," etc. Maybe he'll make a mental note.
zengirl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Why is it her responsibility to teach him these things? Just because she had the bad luck of being his first girlfriend? Yep. And that's why I'm never a first GF anymore (I say I'm not into training anyone, and it sounds kind of crappy put that way, but. . . it's really what happens in first relationships, the people train each other, hopefully with mutual inexperience, but **** happens and people are at different levels sometimes), so good for her. Really, whether it's her responsibility or not, I agree with that poster in: it's the only way she has any hope of getting what she wants. She needs to make it clear what she wants and teach him, and hopefully he's willing to learn.
Disillusioned Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I'm his first girlfriend (we're in our mid-20s) and he's completely romantically clueless. Prior to me he had gone on ZERO dates and hardly knew what dating even was. I'm not sure he even knows what romantic gestures are, from his history it sounds like he's never really flirted in his life, and sometimes in awkward silences he'll admit he has no idea what he's supposed to do. It's a little frustrating just because I'm supposedly in a relationship and put in a lot of work but feel decidedly unromanced. I'd like for him to lead the direction of the relationship too. I feel like we could be really great together, but he needs to learn the language of love. Any suggestions? How can I help this guy out? What prevents you from teaching him? Are you afraid of making him feel like an ignoramus?
krz12 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 How long have you been dating? ie when does this 'expectation' you have come into play? I know that as someone at that age and in that boat, I'm going to run into the same pitfall...
krz12 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 You haven't given any examples of what "romantic gestures" are... precisely what do you want him to do? He might just be decidedly un-romantic by nature, not inexperience. Yes, please! Can someone give 2 good examples for what this would be?
charagher Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 First of all, you need to know that men give off plenty of subtle signals and signs of attraction when they are interested in a woman. The more subtle ways that a man flirts can be easy to miss when you aren't looking carefully: Eye contact is a great way to know if he likes you. A shy guy will turn away when you look at him. This may be your cue to make the first move. But a man that wants to get your attention by making eye contact and smiling is interested in you in a romantic way. The best way to let him know the same is to meet his gaze and smile.A lot of chatter can indicate his feelings. Men tend to want to be portrayed in a certain light when they are trying to get a woman's attention. When a man likes a woman he will talk about himself all the time, emphasizing his positive features. Another sign is slight touching during the conversation. When a man likes you he will touch your hands and shoulders. Make sure to smile to let him know that you like him as well.A guy that does the same things you do may be interested in you. Have you noticed that he is everywhere you are? A man that likes a woman will take an interest in what she likes. This may mean showing up at study groups or signing up for new activities. If the man you like is now around all the time this may be by design. Take the opportunity to have a conversation with him and see where it goes!If you are getting a lot of compliments this may be a sign that he likes you. When a man likes a woman he will compliment her. This is one of the oldest forms of flirting. All women love to hear that they are pretty, nice and smart. These and many other positive remarks are a sure sign that he likes you too!Buying you gifts or giving you things you need is indicative of male flirting. Men are naturally pulled towards being good providers. As such, a man will buy a woman presents and give her a variety of items to show interest. If he is showering you with presents, then he is definitely interested in being more than just friends.
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