Difference between a commitment phobe + someone who's just not that into you??

[SugarHoney]

When I saw my ex yesterday he was flirting a lot with me again (hugging me a lot, holding my hand, stroking my arm, saying how good I looked, telling me how much he missed me etc... he even said somethings that made it sound like we did have some sort of future and would be doing things together). However, when I asked him if it was over between us, he said he didn't know, that he didn't want to try the relationship again, just wanted to be friends.

 

I told him that maybe we could be friends in the future, but at the moment its just too painful and I left quickly very soon after. Now I just feel so incredibly guilty about ending things like that. And I really feel I need to send him one last email to explain myself better, to let him know that I do hope we can be friends eventually and that I just need time to get over all the heartache.

 

But anyway, all his mixed signals, all the flirting etc has been messing with my head and my heart. I love him so much and I told him so in emails countless times and that its breaking my heart that he doesn't feel the same. So he must know how I feel, even though I didn't spell it out for him again when we met in person. I just don't know why he was flirting with me so much, hugging me, toughing me a lot etc if he just wants to be friends??

 

So do you think its just that he's scared of commitment or that he really is just not that into me?? I know he must be still attracted to me in someway (or at least seemed to be before I spoiled things again ), but at the same time it seems he just doesn't love me anymore, or at least not enough to try again to make the relationship work.

 

Words can't describe how much all this is breaking my heart.

 

I just feel like I'm not good enough for him. That I failed him. That I'm such a weak and pathetic person. And now I feel guilty that things seemed to end badly because I told him it would be too painful to stay friends (at least at the moment) and that was the last thing I said to him, maybe that last thing I'll ever say to him.

 

I feel such an urge to send one last email to explain myself and wish him luck with everything so that he doesn't hate me. I really didn't mean to hurt his feelings. And it hurts me so much thinking that he may hate me now and knowing that I wasn't good enough for him. That no matter how hard I tried to be happy, laid back just mainly joking around with him in person, loving towards him in emails etc, that it just wasn't enough. That he just won't give me another shot. Probably because he knows that really I'm just the same love-sick person wanting so badly to be with him that I was before.

 

And I know I have to move on now, but a large part of me just doesn't want to as he was my best friend, and part of me still clings to the hope that in time he will miss me and change his mind. Even though he has broken my heart so badly and that he most likely won't change much, I still love him, and its tearing me apart inside.

Edited August 10, 2011 by SugarHoney

[shadowofman]

What if he is not scared of commitment? What if he fully understands what commitment means, he's just not that into commitment?

[Star Gazer]

What if he is not scared of commitment? What if he fully understands what commitment means, he's just not that into commitment?

 

Huh. I never thought about it that way...

[shadowofman]

It's like, I don't have a phobia of cockroaches. I know what a roach is. But I'm still gonna smash it because I prefer to live without it on my kitchen counter.

[Star Gazer]

It's like, I don't have a phobia of cockroaches. I know what a roach is. But I'm still gonna smash it because I prefer to live without it on my kitchen counter.

 

Eh, bad example. Roaches terrify me!

 

More like, I don't have a phobia of Bill O'Reilly. I fully understand the message he's trying to get me to buy into, but I'm just not pickin' up what he's puttin' down. At all.

 

 

Or, even better (and not so ridiculous as the above ), person X doesn't have a phobia of children. He/she knows what children are and how they add to other people's lives. But heshe just isn't interested in having any children of their own.

[shadowofman]

Good ones. Likewise, he may have very strong feelings of love for you, but might not be willing to forsake the freedom of being single. The love is not worth the leash.

[YeahDotDotDot]

Would it make a difference to you if he were a committment phobe or not? I think you should just heal yourself and try again-with someone else who does not start off with committment aversion of any kind.

[Severely Unamused]

Would it make a difference to you if he were a committment phobe or not? I think you should just heal yourself and try again-with someone else who does not start off with committment aversion of any kind.

 

Solid point.

 

Sugar, it seems like you are placing too much focus on the less than healthy semantics here (also: cockroaches, Bill O'Reilly, children...what the **** is up, LS?). How are you going to move on with that attitude?

 

You need to get back on the NC path (obviously being around him is too painful for you). Avoid dating for a while. Focus on your hobbies. Enjoy the company of your friends and family. Exercise and a healthy diet. The list goes on.

[bonpaw2008]

Solid point.

 

Sugar, it seems like you are placing too much focus on the less than healthy semantics here (also: cockroaches, Bill O'Reilly, children...what the **** is up, LS?). How are you going to move on with that attitude?

 

You need to get back on the NC path (obviously being around him is too painful for you). Avoid dating for a while. Focus on your hobbies. Enjoy the company of your friends and family. Exercise and a healthy diet. The list goes on.

 

I totally agree with this. This guy is just messing with your head, keeping you on a hook in case things don't work out with his new plan. You deserve someone that cares for you. His problems with commitment, etc. are his and no longer your concern. You are better than waiting around for someone to decide if they want to be with you.

 

Rejection sucks, I know it makes you feel bad about yourself, but know that it was nothing you did or didn't do. This is his issue.

 

Best of luck to you and your healing.

[SugarHoney]

Solid point.

 

Sugar, it seems like you are placing too much focus on the less than healthy semantics here (also: cockroaches, Bill O'Reilly, children...what the **** is up, LS?). How are you going to move on with that attitude?

 

You need to get back on the NC path (obviously being around him is too painful for you). Avoid dating for a while. Focus on your hobbies. Enjoy the company of your friends and family. Exercise and a healthy diet. The list goes on.

 

I totally agree with this. This guy is just messing with your head, keeping you on a hook in case things don't work out with his new plan. You deserve someone that cares for you. His problems with commitment, etc. are his and no longer your concern. You are better than waiting around for someone to decide if they want to be with you.

 

Rejection sucks, I know it makes you feel bad about yourself, but know that it was nothing you did or didn't do. This is his issue.

 

Best of luck to you and your healing.

 

Thanks guys. I know you're right. I need to focus on healing now, focus on myself.

 

I just love this guy so much and he sent me so many mixed messages, was trying to be all touchy feely with me, so I really thought he might want me back. But he says not. So I told him its too painful to be friends at the moment, maybe in the future when I've healed.