Not sure how to handle this

[torn_curtain]

Perhaps he hasn't been feeling well with his heart thing for days but didn't want to talk/worry you about it

 

Trust him and wait for more information.

 

Yeah, I think that might be it. Once he was really sick before--could barely breathe--and he didn't let me know he was until much later because he didn't want me to worry. Hope he's OK.

[torn_curtain]

I finally spoke to him. He's back from the hospital now and doing better. He's been extremely sick the last few days and aside from his normal health problems nobody seems to know what's wrong with him.

 

We had a good conversation about communication and both agreed that the amount we'd been talking is unsustainable so we won't be able to do that every day, but we both feel like it's important to keep some form of daily communication going--even if it's just a text or two--since we're long distance and communication is all we have. Instead of stating my needs first I took a new approach and first asked him what his were. I was happy to hear that we were on the same page. I'm pleased with how easily we resolved this. Hopefully it works out.

Edited August 11, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Els]

I think ES, Zen, and MC have been giving you awesome advice. I can totally relate to MC's first post about LDRs that start out online.

 

Fingers crossed for you, T_C!

[torn_curtain]

Fingers crossed for you, T_C!

 

Thanks!

 

Quick update. I'm happy to report that things have been going really well since we had that talk. It's only been a couple of days but so far we've fallen into a much more manageable rhythm.

 

I completely understand why he lost contact after hearing about how sick he has been. It turns out he probably had some viral thing which has since passed and it just aggravated his underlying condition. He told me that he feels sort of insecure about his illness and when he's feeling really bad he has the tendency to hide it from me because he's worried I'll see him as weak. I assured him that I would never see him that way and hearing that seemed to make him feel better.

 

I really appreciate all the great insight and advice I received in this thread. I was too quick to worry. Luckily, I was cool and collected when we DID speak because I took some time to chill out, but I caused myself unnecessary worry before that. I can be impatient at times and that's something I need to watch out for. I feel guilty about that after hearing about how sick he was.

 

In terms of his slight misanthropy I agree that it's a concern but it hasn't caused any friction between us before, so I don't want to jump to any conclusions. Although he's introverted like me, he's not a loner. He has friends but he's sort of drifted apart from them as they've changed and he's changed. Anyway I'll keep my eyes open about that. I've also tried to pull back my investment just a bit--keep reminding myself that we haven't met--and I think that has made me feel stronger and ironically less nervous about whatever lies ahead.

Edited August 12, 2011 by torn_curtain

[torn_curtain]

This morning I was chatting online with him and I finally addressed his misanthropy head on. Here's a transcript of our chat with personal details taken out. Honestly I'm not entirely satisfied with the conversation, but I'll try to take what he told me at face value. I'd be interested to hear what others think:

 

Him: It blows my mind how much I like you

there isn't anything I wish were different

 

Me: You mean because you hate everyone?

 

Him: I just never felt this way for anyone before. Haha yeah basically

 

Me: (His name)! You're a misanthrope.

 

Him: I'm becoming less of one

 

Me: I don't know if a relationship can work with one

 

Him: you'd have gotten the fck out of dodge already if you thought I was too misanthropic for it to work between us

 

Me: I worry how you see most people will inevitably be how you see me (stole this from loveshack!)

 

Him: I'm really, really happy today

I couldn't ask for a better girl.

I won't ever feel negatively towards you, I can tell

 

Me: what is different about me to you from other girls you've been with

 

Him: You narcissist

 

Me: Lol. That's not why. This is something I'm genuinely worried about.

 

Him: You understand the world in an emotionally similar way

and you see reality and people in a way I consider clear

and you're probably the smartest girl I've ever met

and I respect you

and you're creative and interesting

and I feel at ease talking to you

and..

hmmm

there are so many things

 

Me: that's enough

 

Him: why'd you stop me

 

Me: you can keep going if you want

i just wanted to get a sense

 

Him: did all that not come across before?

 

Me: I just worry about the misanthropy honestly

 

Him: I'm not THAT misanthropic. Where do my misanthropic feelings come through the most?

 

Me: I think you might see people too black and white

 

Him: I don't think I see things THAT black and white

it's more like there are a lot of types of people that I don't have much interest in but it's not necessarily permanent. It's like I go through phases where I'm interested in a limited number of types of people or something

but get interested in a certain kind of psychology, really deeply.

 

Me: So how do I know you won't phase me out too...my type

 

.....

 

Him:

I definitely have desire to socialize

but I don't like most people that are there

I have a definite interest in you

I'm interested in certain people for sure

just not in general...

most people bore the fck out of me

sorry to say

like reading sht on the internet

obviously it's a limited cross-section

people who post stuff online

Edited August 15, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Mme. Chaucer]

Torn_curtain;

 

This is just my opinion, and not meant as an attack (after all the bullying about bullying, I am pretty sure there will be some kind of backlash against posters who take any kind of issue, or disagree, with certain other posters).

 

MY BELIEF is that you are weakening your bond with a person if you present your personal conversations, texts, etc. for public scrutiny on LS or anywhere else.

 

It's not a question of protecting identity. It's a question of the fact (I BELIEVE) that a personal relationship between two people needs some sanctity.

 

So, the content of this convo aside, I believe that going forward, you can ask the questions you feel you need advice about without exposing the stuff that is supposed to be private between you and your boyfriend for all thousands of us to analyze, criticize, praise, pick, or whatever.

 

Since you did post it, I will tell you that a person who is going to, in the future, let you down is extremely rarely if ever going to tell you that yes, this or that characteristic that they have will ultimately get between you.

 

You already know this.

 

Also, I think that both you AND he see things as "too black and white" and extreme polarized thinking is not very helpful in creating sustainable relationships. The "we're more special / refined / smart / perceptive, etc. than almost all other people" is a bad trap, as well. Take my word for it.

 

I am NOT saying this stuff is all "red flags" or anything; I am just saying that if you must have relationship dissection, (which I don't even think is healthy for the delicate burgeoning relationships of the world), you certainly don't need a bunch of jackasses like us telling you all about what we think of exactly what he said and you said.

 

Bottom line is, just as I said already, I think you should try to chill on figuring out and getting answers to all of this stuff until you are able to conduct a relationship in person.

 

I hope you have been able to survive my abusive bullying, and also my telling you that I'm pretty sure I recognize you.

[torn_curtain]

So, the content of this convo aside, I believe that going forward, you can ask the questions you feel you need advice about without exposing the stuff that is supposed to be private between you and your boyfriend for all thousands of us to analyze, criticize, praise, pick, or whatever.

 

I was on the fence about posting that but I decided the conversation isn't what I consider all that personal. I am having some regrets about posting it.

 

Since you did post it, I will tell you that a person who is going to, in the future, let you down is extremely rarely if ever going to tell you that yes, this or that characteristic that they have will ultimately get between you.

 

You already know this.

 

Also, I think that both you AND he see things as "too black and white" and extreme polarized thinking is not very helpful in creating sustainable relationships. The "we're more special / refined / smart / perceptive, etc. than almost all other people" is a bad trap, as well. Take my word for it.

 

I don't see the world in black and white, although I did for sure when I was younger. I'm don't believe in the "we're special" thing either, and I agree that it's a bad trap. Those were his words, not mine.

Edited August 15, 2011 by torn_curtain

[zengirl]

To add to Mme. Chaucer's very good points (almost all of which I agree with FTR), I think analyzing a relationship too much will kill it. Just chill. You won't even get to really see him in person (for the first time!) until October.

 

There's a Hollywood saying, "Never be hot, always be warm," and it's perfectly good for relationships as well.

 

And, as Mme. Chaucer said. . . (this bears repeating) No one is going to admit their faults to you outright. You will have to wait and see. Be an honest observer, but don't go looking for problems. Just try to be.

[Star Gazer]

I agree with MC and ZG's points.

 

I also think if you feel the need to analyze the relationship so much, that in and of itself is a bad sign. If you (the general "you") have to ask if something's a problem, it probably is a problem and you would probably be better off to trust your gut. And while LS is awesome for feedback, at some point, you (again, the general "you," not necessarily specifically you) have to take off your emotional and relationship training wheels and get out there and do it yourself - all of it, without relying on the help of strangers every little step of the way, such as by analyzing the content of an IM conversation.

 

As for the transcript you actually posted, I'm not sure bringing it up the way you did was helpful to your cause. You accused him of a negative quality. What were you expecting in response? "You're right!" ??

 

(Also, did he really write this:

 

"Him: I'm not THAT misanthropic. Where do my misanthropic feelings come through the most?"

 

I ask because it's different than the rest of his prose in the transcript to the point it sticks out like a sore thumb. If we're to "analyze" the content of a transcript, I hope we're getting the real deal.)

 

But yeah, this is a wait-and-see thing, as MC said. I suggest being patient and observing, and deciding FOR YOURSELF whether his misanthropy (or anything else, for that matter) bothers you. If you don't like misanthropy, but it doesn't cause you any problems in your relationship........should it matter? I don't know, but my inclination is no.

[torn_curtain]

 

"Him: I'm not THAT misanthropic. Where do my misanthropic feelings come through the most?"

 

 

Yeah he did say that. I'm not seeing how that statement sticks out.

[zengirl]

If you (the general "you") have to ask if something's a problem, it probably is a problem and you would probably be better off to trust your gut.

 

Not disagreeing with you, but wanted to add to this:

 

While this is generally true in some ways, I've found that the problem that exists is not always the problem you think it is, and that guts are not always trustworthy (I mean, it depends on the person and the situation and where the person's blind spots are, etc). The key there is to KNOW your blind spots and observe the problem-thought mentally, IMO.

 

For instance, I've totally thought something was a problem, when REALLY it just pushed one of my buttons or REALLY the problem was something else related to it or REALLY it was easily worked through in my own mind and I was all worked up over nothing. And I'm not someone who sits around analyzing and calculating; I actually experience very little dissonance in my relationships and am extremely attuned to it. But even with that, I still don't always get the problem right on the first 'thought' --- dissonance usually has meaning, but it's better to actively figure out the meaning than assume it's what you first think it is.

 

I don't know if that made perfect sense, but I hope it made some.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah he did say that. I'm not seeing how that statement sticks out.

 

The formation of true complete sentences, with punctuation and compartmentalization. *shrug* It just stood out to me as being off from the rest.

 

Not disagreeing with you, but wanted to add to this:

 

While this is generally true in some ways, I've found that the problem that exists is not always the problem you think it is, and that guts are not always trustworthy (I mean, it depends on the person and the situation and where the person's blind spots are, etc). The key there is to KNOW your blind spots and observe the problem-thought mentally, IMO.

 

For instance, I've totally thought something was a problem, when REALLY it just pushed one of my buttons or REALLY the problem was something else related to it or REALLY it was easily worked through in my own mind and I was all worked up over nothing. And I'm not someone who sits around analyzing and calculating; I actually experience very little dissonance in my relationships and am extremely attuned to it. But even with that, I still don't always get the problem right on the first 'thought' --- dissonance usually has meaning, but it's better to actively figure out the meaning than assume it's what you first think it is.

 

I don't know if that made perfect sense, but I hope it made some.

 

No, it made sense, and I agree with you as well.

 

In this particular instance, I can see how the misanthropy "problem" button might actually be a completely different problem button, which might be called "I don't really know this guy (haven't met/spent time together), and my rose colored glasses are coming off from afar, if I'm noticing things I don't like already, I wonder how this might actually work (or not) once we actually meet...YIKES!"

[torn_curtain]

In this particular instance, I can see how the misanthropy "problem" button might actually be a completely different problem button, which might be called "I don't really know this guy (haven't met/spent time together), and my rose colored glasses are coming off from afar, if I'm noticing things I don't like already, I wonder how this might actually work (or not) once we actually meet...YIKES!"

 

Yeah, I think that might be part of it.

[sm1tten]

I dated a person with that mindset for two years. For one thing, it colored how I saw people - I became much more negative and quick to poke fun at people. For another thing, he was very emotionally detached from me and the relationship couldn't grow. He was attracted to me, he cared about me, and in a general sense I was the exception to the rule... but he also really couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that I don't hate people they way he did and in many ways, I was not "different" enough. I'm not saying it's a giant red flag because until you interact in the flesh, so to speak, you really don't know the extent of it. I think that the nature of your relationship causes you to be overly contemplative and that can be problematic.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah, I think that might be part of it.

 

Perfectly natural, I think.

[zengirl]

Too much writing, not enough snogging. It's why LDRs are no good. You won't really know anything till you meet him. No use worrying about it either way.

[torn_curtain]

Too much writing, not enough snogging. It's why LDRs are no good. You won't really know anything till you meet him. No use worrying about it either way.

 

Yep, nothing replaces the real thing. I keep saying to him if things work out with us in person I have a feeling we'll look back on this prelude as superficial by comparison. It's like we'll be beginning all over again once we meet.

Edited August 15, 2011 by torn_curtain