zengirl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I disagree on this. There's nothing needy about sending a simple "hey" text to your partner, especially if you haven't spoken in over a day. We do that sort of thing all the time. If you already had plans to talk tonight, why send a "Hey" text? You sent it to see if he'd answer. Thus: needy.
Star Gazer Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 If he said he'd talk tonight, and he doesn't talk tonight, I agree that's a bad sign. Anytime someone says they'll do something specific and doesn't follow through = a bad sign. However, I think by putting pressure on the communication and texting him first, out of neediness, really, as it's not like you had anything to say if it was a "Hey" text and you already knew he'd call tonight, as he said he would, then you're only hurting your own communication dynamic. Nail. Head. Again. That "Hey" text is pretty convincing evidence of neediness, and goes against your previous agreement.
Author torn_curtain Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 If you already had plans to talk tonight, why send a "Hey" text? You sent it to see if he'd answer. Thus: needy. It's no different from how we normally communicate which is typically a few texts during the day and a longer conversation at night. We've both initiated hey texts knowing we'd be talking later that night. I honestly don't see the problem.
Author torn_curtain Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Nail. Head. Again. That "Hey" text is pretty convincing evidence of neediness, and goes against your previous agreement. So any communication before the evening knowing we'll be talking later is needy? Because that's our typical pattern. Sending "hey" texts in the afternoon and chatting a bit like that.
zengirl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 So any communication before the evening knowing we'll be talking later is needy? Because that's our typical pattern. Sending "hey" texts in the afternoon and chatting a bit like that. It sounds to me like he was aiming for the evening to have a decent chat with you. And that might include not really doing all the pre-texting before, which he may have seen as becoming burdensome over time. (Maybe he doesn't. I really don't know.) But you were clearly looking for more communication and worried about communication, so you sent the "Hey" text with that energy. If it wasn't needy, you wouldn't be bothered about the slowness of the response and would be fine with talking tonight. And you wouldn't be worried about it potentially not happening. If any little alteration in communication bugs you, you're going to feel bugged a lot. People often go through phases, especially in relationships at the beginning. Honestly, as long as he calls you tonight, I'd be open to communication ebbing and flowing at least a little. You cannot be so rigid and expect a relationship to flow. That said, if he fails to follow through on what he says (exceptions happen but overall, I mean), then he's not reliable, and stop seeing him. The end.
Star Gazer Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 It's no different from how we normally communicate which is typically a few texts during the day and a longer conversation at night. We've both initiated hey texts knowing we'd be talking later that night. I honestly don't see the problem. It seems to me like he's trying to break the pattern, and not for a bad reason, but just because it's becoming more comfortable, he'd like some flexibility and just allow things to flow naturally without you getting upset if some expectation based on pattern isn't met. You, on the other hand, seem to be clinging (for lack of a better word) on to the pattern, and unable to adapt to his pretty obvious cues that he can't keep up what you had going before.
eerie_reverie Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I completely agree with Mme. and zengirl here. As others have pointed out, your "style" of being in contact all day long and having intense conversations every single night (before you'd even met) was unsustainable. Possibly, he is trying to pull back to establish a more suitable dynamic. If so, you are kinda screwing with that by sending him "hey". However, based on this guy's history of not being a misanthrope, I think you have cause to be concerned. I think there IS a good chance he is checking out, but that's a reflection on him, not on you. IMO, he has a Holden Caulfield complex, which is cute, but does not make for a reliable partner. That said, there is nothing you can do about that now. You just have to wait it out and see what happens. I hope it works out.
Author torn_curtain Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) It seems to me like he's trying to break the pattern, and not for a bad reason, but just because it's becoming more comfortable, he'd like some flexibility and just allow things to flow naturally without you getting upset if some expectation based on pattern isn't met. You, on the other hand, seem to be clinging (for lack of a better word) on to the pattern, and unable to adapt to his pretty obvious cues that he can't keep up what you had going before. Well if that's the case he shouldn't expect me to understand that's what he's doing and suddenly totally change my communication style. He's told me in the past many times to never hesitate to text him at any time. I'm not going to wring my hands over some innocuous text I sent. Edited August 10, 2011 by torn_curtain
eerie_reverie Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 No offense, TC, but I think it's a lot easier to get obsessive about contact when you have nowhere you need to be. I'm not even aware of the texts my bf sends (or doesn't) when I am busy (working, hanging out with friends, etc.) As usual, I think your focus STILL needs to be on those other aspects of your life.
Author torn_curtain Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 No offense, TC, but I think it's a lot easier to get obsessive about contact when you have nowhere you need to be. I'm not even aware of the texts my bf sends (or doesn't) when I am busy (working, hanging out with friends, etc.) As usual, I think your focus STILL needs to be on those other aspects of your life. What are you talking about? I've been busy working and running errands all day, and yes I find your comment offensive.
zengirl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 However, based on this guy's history of not being a misanthrope, I think you have cause to be concerned. I think there IS a good chance he is checking out, but that's a reflection on him, not on you. IMO, he has a Holden Caulfield complex, which is cute, but does not make for a reliable partner. That said, there is nothing you can do about that now. You just have to wait it out and see what happens. I hope it works out. Wait, the guy was or wasn't a misanthrope? If he's that type AND admitting to depression now, that's a whole different set of issues. Holden Caulfield complexes are things to stay far, far away from. That doesn't make any of the other points above unsound in general principle, but if you're also dealing with an unhealthy partner (mentally I mean, not his lung thing), it makes more sense WHY you'd be needy and is something else that is cause for concern. At any rate, this relationship hasn't even really begun. I wouldn't cling so tightly to it---it will work out or not, and there isn't much you can do but observe, be patient, and do your best.
Author torn_curtain Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) Wait, the guy was or wasn't a misanthrope? If he's that type AND admitting to depression now, that's a whole different set of issues. Holden Caulfield complexes are things to stay far, far away from. That doesn't make any of the other points above unsound in general principle, but if you're also dealing with an unhealthy partner (mentally I mean, not his lung thing), it makes more sense WHY you'd be needy and is something else that is cause for concern. At any rate, this relationship hasn't even really begun. I wouldn't cling so tightly to it---it will work out or not, and there isn't much you can do but observe, be patient, and do your best. I guess he would qualify as a misanthrope so I think that probably was a typo. He always says he hates all people except for me. This is something that has concerned me a bit but I've tried to take him in good faith. I'm trying to stay positive, and I'm not going to jump to any conclusions about his character or whatever until he gives me reason to. Edited August 10, 2011 by torn_curtain
zengirl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I guess he would qualify as a misanthrope so I think that probably was a typo. He always says he hates all people except for me. This is something that has concerned me a bit but I've tried to take him in good faith. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions about his character or whatever until the night is over. He hates all people except for you? Yes, this will not end well. Whether it's tonight or any other night, there are WAY bigger issues there than how quickly he texts back.
eerie_reverie Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 What are you talking about? I've been busy working and running errands all day, and yes I find your comment offensive. Well, I didn't mean to offend. I just know that for me, when it is the weekend and I have nothing going on, I can feel the seconds pass by after sending a text to someone in the pulse of my veins. When I'm at work, I will forget to respond even to those I care the most about. (Or the guys I normally would obsess over). Based on my experience (and your hyper-awareness of the contact) I just assumed you did nothing today.
OliveOyl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I think it's semantics whether desiring daily communication is "needy" or not. There are plenty of people who desire and expect daily communication in a romantic relationship. Different strokes for different folks. I think the real issue is the pattern has broken, and does this indicate a significant change in the relationship, or not? Time will tell.
Author torn_curtain Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 He hates all people except for you? Yes, this will not end well. Whether it's tonight or any other night, there are WAY bigger issues there than how quickly he texts back. I mean he says it in a sort of joking way, but he constantly says "I don't like anyone" and that I'm the first girl he's ever really cared about. I've asked him why and he says most people are insincere or just floating through life without caring about anything. Why do you see this ending badly?
zengirl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I mean he says it in a sort of joking way, but he constantly says "I don't like anyone" and that I'm the first girl he's ever really cared about. I've asked him why and he says most people are insincere or just floating through life without caring about anything. Why do you see this ending badly? First of all, people who are generally unhappy (and he sounds like he has not only depression, which is a bummer but not insurmountable, but a generally antisocial disposition---not in a diagnostic way, mind you, I'm not trying to say he has an actual antisocial disorder---as well) make bad partners. Until you can be happy on your own, a relationship rarely works. Second of all, he has intimacy issues and trouble relating to people, and you----a woman he's never actually met----are the first woman he can relate to? Doesn't bode well. Third of all, it really does sound like he has a Holden Caufield complex (good call, eerie/spookie), and that NEVER goes well. For both of the above reasons, but also because happiness is never grand. It really isn't. And the Caufields of the world are total drama kings, and they couldn't be happy until they got over it. With anyone. At any rate, I could be wrong. Have been before, will be again, but it doesn't sound promising to me. Either way, you haven't even met yet, so just keep it in perspective.
eerie_reverie Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I mean he says it in a sort of joking way, but he constantly says "I don't like anyone" and that I'm the first girl he's ever really cared about. I've asked him why and he says most people are insincere or just floating through life without caring about anything. Why do you see this ending badly? Based on those comments (and my experiences with the MANY misanthropes in MY life) I see it ending badly because: 1. That is not true about "most" people, which indicates he has a warped perception of reality, or bad interpersonal skills 2. How he views (judges) "most" people will inevitably be how he views (judges) you It is important to know you are special to someone, but being "that" special is a red flag. There is no way you could possibly deliver always being the only one he doesn't "hate".
Author torn_curtain Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) I've probably been more excusing of some of his issues than usual because of the uncanny number of positive things we share in common. I'm a little concerned I won't meet another guy who I have that kindred spirit feeling with. I don't share his misanthropy, though--I see more goodness in other people. While I've had some doubts I have also tried to take him at face value when he says that I am different to him. Up until this point I had no reason to doubt him because his words and actions aligned. Edited August 11, 2011 by torn_curtain
Star Gazer Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 He hates everyone except you, the one person he's never met. You don't find that troubling??
zengirl Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I've probably been more excusing of some of his issues than usual because of the uncanny number of positive things we share in common. I'm a little concerned I won't meet another guy who I have that kindred spirit feeling with. I don't share his misanthropy, though--I see more goodness in other people. While I've had some doubts I have also tried to take him at face value when he says that I am different to him. Up until this point I had no reason to doubt him because his words and actions aligned. I kind of feel like the whole "being different" thing is one of those bad paths we go down. The Being Special path or something. I have dated some men who weren't misanthropes (that's never been my type perse) but also weren't super open/optimistic/positive people with everyone, and who were more picky, and while I'm not saying all guys like that are bad, I think it's a surefire myth that they are "better" in anyway and a trap to get into that "special" feeling. My current BF is by far the kindest, nicest guy (out of plenty of more than decently nice guys in recent years BTW) I've ever dated. He's a kind guy AND he's kind to me, extra and above kind yes, but he's good to all people (and living things) and optimistic with them and that's a huge part of his appeal to me. But years ago, I would've perhaps missed that "special" feeling. My last exBF was a decent guy by all means and very kind to me overall, but he was snarky as all get out towards anyone who showed any stupidity (we are both very smart, as is the current BF btw), and he brought that side out in me as well. Looking back, I didn't dig it. . . and love the way I am with my new BF a lot better (and the way he is with the world in general), but when I was in it, it felt like a great wonderful inside joke. It's the special trick. In my example, it's only playing a teensy role, as my last exBF was mostly good for me overall, but it can be anything from small as that to giant crater sized. All depends on what's going on in the dynamic. I'm not saying whether you are or aren't falling into that trap, but I think it's likely it's at least PART of the appeal.
Author torn_curtain Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) I'm not saying whether you are or aren't falling into that trap, but I think it's likely it's at least PART of the appeal. Hmm, possibly, although it is only part of why he appeals to me. I have often been concrned that a man who isn't discriminating will see me as easily replaceable. I've dated a couple men like this and it never worked out. So maybe I've partly gone to the other end of the spectrum in reaction to that. Edited August 11, 2011 by torn_curtain
Author torn_curtain Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) but when I was in it, it felt like a great wonderful inside joke. Yes-- I can relate to this. Edited August 11, 2011 by torn_curtain
Author torn_curtain Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) OK, this just took a sort of weird turn. Finally I got a text from him at 10:30 that said: "Hey I've missed you -- get online in a bit and we can talk." I wrote back "ok getting on." I got online but he never signed on. Fifteen minutes ago I get a text from him that says: "I'm not feeling too hot, gonna go to urgent care. I can't talk online right now, sorry. I'm sure I'll go online later and we can talk then if you're still up. Don't worry. " I'm really worried about him. Edited August 11, 2011 by torn_curtain
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Perhaps he hasn't been feeling well with his heart thing for days but didn't want to talk/worry you about it Trust him and wait for more information.
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