Hp1991 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Okay , there's so much I'd want opinions on but I'll stick to the basic few. Is it okay to have guy friends while dating another male/person(or however the situation may go ) ? Are there any reasons as to why there should not be any friends of the opposite sex? (from yours) My situation: Well i'm in a relationship where I'm 19 and he is 28. Skipping all the talk about how different our lives are and what stages of life we are in.. we end up at my latest argument. I have several guy friends.. all old friends ..not meaning from 10 years ago .. they have been in and out of my life for a few years but that doesn't mean we've changed how we are together. At this point in my relationship I've given up alot. I believe i've given up alot and changed alot as a person. After keeping in touch with mostly ALL of my friends for the past for years I've basically went and disappeared off the face of the earth. They haven't heard from me in more than a year and from what I'm guessing they are tired of hearing excuses from me. ( I wouldn't want to be my own friend either). I suppose it all started since i got into a relationship .. the basics would be no talking to other guys and giving them ideas.. funny how once I was dating many of my guy friends were interested in me , my ex wanted to get back together, I had all the attention that I didn't need ..even though they had no idea I was even dating.. I didn't talk much to any guy , it was all bare minimum contact. I had GOOD friends that i completely blew off and I felt bad about it but I wasnt supposed to go out and hang out with guys alone.. that was my only deal in the relationship. Fast forwarding to a few nights ago - I got a request to go out with a few of my guy friends for a 4 night stay out of the area. Okay I do have a brain and I declined the first time, and the second, the third time I half accepted because I heard there were about 3 other girls coming along and it was all people I knew. I spoke casually about it to my bf and he said no. I was furious. I bare ever went out , if anything I never spoke on the phone with anyone else BUT him. I'm betting he knows this aswell. You can say I have no life ...i barely have guy friends that even consider me to invite anywhere. I pretty much dropped dead off the social world, I go to school , I come home , I go to work , I don't socialize.. although I love to go out and do things I just don't have people anymore that would want to go out. (barely have any girlfriends) Yes..I'm 19 well basically 20. I think that this is beyond normal...he doesn't want me to go out with guys, i thought going out as a group was fine but he was upset the last time I went to the movies with another girl and 2 guys i wasn't even interested enough to know their names. So scratch the going as a group, no seeing guys, BUT heres the deal I'm allowed to have guy friends. Honestly I think I pondered about this for about 2 days now and came up with every single loop hole to have him more relaxed about it but no luck . I questioned his reasoning and basically he always says that he trusts me . He has no issue with me .. but he has issues with other guys. He has no trust in them . He doesn't want me near them because they can change their mood so easily and I'll get hurt. I'm so confused because I know my friends but that isn't enough to persuade him . He's obviously older and seems to think ever guy is trying to get into a girls pants.. because those are the type of people he knows. Also there's no changing that rule unless we break up so I'm not really asking to help me change his mind but is this normal? Sometimes I think I'm going loopy from all of this nonsense.
todd Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) Okay , there's so much I'd want opinions on but I'll stick to the basic few. Is it okay to have guy friends while dating another male/person(or however the situation may go ) ? Are there any reasons as to why there should not be any friends of the opposite sex? (from yours) I have always looked at this as a trust standpoint. He says he trusts you but not the other guys, but its not so much about the other guys as its about you and him. There are always going to be other guys and other opportunities out there whether they be your guy friends or strangers. Your guy friends may have underlying motives to try to steal you away from your boyfriend, they may just want to be seen with a good looking girl "friend" as a way of getting close to other girls. However, in the end its about trusting the person you are in the relationship with. Does he have his own life and his own friends or is it always just you? Though it is important to do things together, its also important to have friends you can go out with and just get away. You need people outside your relationship whether it be guys or girls. Another situation your boyfriend could be concerned with is the feeling that one of these guys friends being interested in you and pushing on to you when you do not want it. There are two ways of getting over this for me. First, I normally hang out with her guy friends a couple times. I get to know them and get an idea of their character. They may have feelings for her, but I am more interested in the kind of person they are. Do I think this guy will try to put my girlfriend in an uncomfortable situation? I leave the feelings they have for my gf up to them and you. If you want to cheat on me with one of your guy friends then go for it, it just shows me your character and that we weren't meant to be sooner then if I kept you away from society as much as I could. The second is normally my girlfriend going with a couple of her girlfriends, kind of like a buddy system in case one of you get into a bad situation the others can help. But like I said before, this is a trust issue. I know that the girls I chose to be with are some of the sexiest women in the room and will have 95% of the guys wanting to get a shot with them. But at the end of the day I trust in the girl I am with and the relationship I am in. If she wants to ruin what he have by going after someone else then it wasn't meant to be anyway and she just saved me a couple more months of being in a relationship that was doomed to fail eventually. Edited August 10, 2011 by todd
rafallus Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 If woman has guy friends, and keeps them in the open for me (I know them), there is no problem. If they are kept as secret and I am always somehow excluded, then it's a red flag.
Cypress25 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Of course you're allowed to have guy friends while you're in a relationship! What are you supposed to do, end your friendships because they make your boyfriend jealous? He sounds very controlling and that's usually the first sign of an abuser. You don't need his permission to go out with your friends. Your boyfriend's behavior is not normal. It's not even close to normal. Are you sure you want to be with him?
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I have many male friends... and make it clear to men I date that I believe that men and women can be legitimate friends. I have no secrets... my suitors are welcome to meet my male friends anytime. I'd actually wonder about a guy that had zero female friends too. Would make me wonder if he only viewed women as something to have sex with and not fellow human beings.
eerie_reverie Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 This guy, who is much older, wants to shop for your clothes and forbids you from participating in normal (group!!) activities with people your age?? RUN!
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