AHardDaysNight Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 If you've never even been on a date, and you're in your late 20's, how do you start dating?
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Does this apply to you? Have you tried online dating? I think it is the easiest and least intimidating way to start out.
Author AHardDaysNight Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I am almost 29 and have never held hands, much less kissed or had sex, with a girl. Yes, it applies to me. I've tried online dating before, but I'm average looking and get passed over for all the more attractive guys on there. Or at least that's what I suspect. I am pretty geeky looking.
Author AHardDaysNight Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I am a guy, by the way. My avatar is of an actress I like.
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I am almost 29 and have never held hands, much less kissed or had sex, with a girl. Yes, it applies to me. I've tried online dating before, but I'm average looking and get passed over for all the more attractive guys on there. Or at least that's what I suspect. I am pretty geeky looking. Well it sounds like you need some confidence. Women like a confident guy.
Author AHardDaysNight Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Well it sounds like you need some confidence. Women like a confident guy. I've been told this before, but honestly...what is confidence? I am confident in every aspect of my life, excluding romantic relationships. I make friends with girls easily, and can talk to them and everything. Most of my friends are girls. That doesn't matter when it comes to love, because I freeze up if I find out they like me. There's a term that I've heard, called love shyness. I don't think it really fits me, but a lot of the things that are described in there do fit. I am confident around girls until I find out they want more.
Mr. Slim Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Well first things first, throw how you think you look out the window... do you or do you not have the confidence to ask a woman you like out?
Author AHardDaysNight Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Right now, I don't. And I can't really throw how I "think" I look out the window. Girls have pretty much shown that I'm not Mr. Beautiful. I suppose I could work out, and lose weight. But I'd still have this ugly face.
ptp Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I have never tried online dating but, do you have a way to meet women? A circle of friends with single women? What about joining a club or picking up a hobby? there are many intelligent ladies on this board and they can probably tell you what type of actives/clubs single women like to be part of. Maybe something like dancing classes? IMO a lot of us guys often make the mistake of not going where the ladies are. I think just by making a thread and soliciting advice you have made progress. I too am not the best looking guy so I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I feel I am invisible to ladies. However, I strongly believe there is someone for everyone but one must make the effort.
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Right now, I don't. And I can't really throw how I "think" I look out the window. Girls have pretty much shown that I'm not Mr. Beautiful. I suppose I could work out, and lose weight. But I'd still have this ugly face. I'm sure you are not ugly. Do you play up your features? By maybe getting a nice haircut or getting contacts instead of glasses, Or maybe glasses instead of contacts if they look good on you...
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I have never tried online dating but, do you have a way to meet women? A circle of friends with single women? What about joining a club or picking up a hobby? there are many intelligent ladies on this board and they can probably tell you what type of actives/clubs single women like to be part of. Maybe something like dancing classes? IMO a lot of us guys often make the mistake of not going where the ladies are. I think just by making a thread and soliciting advice you have made progress. I too am not the best looking guy so I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I feel I am invisible to ladies. However, I strongly believe there is someone for everyone but one must make the effort. Online dating is a good way to start. Bars or nightclubs aren't good ways to meet women if thats what someone is into.
Mr. Slim Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Right now, I don't. And I can't really throw how I "think" I look out the window. Girls have pretty much shown that I'm not Mr. Beautiful. I suppose I could work out, and lose weight. But I'd still have this ugly face. Fair enough. And I wouldn't ask you to ignore what you feel is fairly conclusive evidence. If at age 29 you feel you've been given enough data that you're not the most handsome guy, then I believe you. But that's actually separate from the actual asking out part. My sister is quite striking, and says that she gets hit on by literal toothless, homeless old men all the time. And they are actually making a serious attempt. They've got the confidence (of course, many homeless people are actually mentally ill too, but that's a different story ) So it may seem fairly obvious, but it sounds like you need a makeover. No one should be describing themselves as "geeky looking" at age 29. Second, and it may sound harsh, but you don't need to be in any situation where most of your friends are girls. Every one of those girls are probably instantly crossed off your potential date list, as well as all of her friends too. You need to hang around some guys your age, preferably some that like to go out and do stuff.
Author AHardDaysNight Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Or, I should go after geeky looking girls, and forget the gorgeous ones.
Mr. Slim Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Or, I should go after geeky looking girls, and forget the gorgeous ones. Well you know, I think quite highly of myself and even I have a comfort zone I like to stay in There's no way you made it to 29 without some random females taking an interest in you (that you didn't reciprocate). What were they like?
refurb Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Or, I should go after geeky looking girls, and forget the gorgeous ones. Don't do that. You can't honestly tell what a person is like by how they look. There are super hot girls who love online gaming and there are nerdy looking girls who are stuck up. As for how to get good at dating, it's just like riding a bike. You need to get out there and do it. You'll screw up a few times (just like everybody goes), but you'll learn and you'll get better. No other way to really do it. RF
Author AHardDaysNight Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Well you know, I think quite highly of myself and even I have a comfort zone I like to stay in There's no way you made it to 29 without some random females taking an interest in you (that you didn't reciprocate). What were they like? Well, first off, I used to be much slimmer than I am now. Like, 60 pounds difference. But they were all brunette, about 7 in the rating scale (with one 10 hitting on me, and one, I wouldn't say ugly, but unattractive to me girl hitting on me), about my height, skinny, pretty, outgoing for the most part. My problem was that I was too shy, and had too much social anxiety, to do anything about it. I was getting interest in high school, so for 15 years I've had interest...just never was able to do anything with it. For the past year, all chances have dried up, but a year ago I got another opening. I screwed it up by confessing my soul to her, and she thought I was weird. We ended up as friends, and she got with a different guy. What's worse than knowing what to do, and having no interest, is having plenty of interest and not knowing what to do! I feel like I have no game.
KathyM Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 If you've never even been on a date, and you're in your late 20's, how do you start dating? Start approaching women you come in contact with and start a friendly conversation. Then ask if you could call them sometime. If they give you their number, then call a day later and arrange a date. If you want to come into contact with more women, get involved in more activities so you meet more people. Learn how to strike up a conversation with women. There are books and articles on the subject online and in bookstores. Learn how to approach women, and then find opportunities/activities where you could use the techniques you learn.
FormerNiceGuy Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) Honestly, making the first move is the most important..yet the most difficult step of all. But it is after this step that everything comes to place. It just takes that first step. Every one has a different way of going about it. But it really comes around to developing a thick skin. You have to not care. It's easier said than done. Everyone is going to tell you it's all about confidence. But confidence is gained....with success with past experiences. It's sort of how a person gains confidence..it happens with small steps. You set a goal but you work small, beat the small battles, so that when you look back at the path behind you, you can see the small battles that you've won. The problem with most guys who are trying to jump into things is that they have no trail of success behind them and they are jumping in there blindly. That may work or it may not but confidence truly comes when you can say to yourself, "Hey, I've already done this. I can do this." I say that you should start with all girls, so that you can learn from them and so that you can get the confidence to go for the girls you really want...think of it like an interview. If you've never interviewed before...sometimes it might be a good idea to go to a job interview of a job (even if you aren't interested in the job)....to gain that experience and confidence..so that when the real deal comes along, you'll be armored to the teeth. It's going to be a long process. Confidence takes years to fully develop and for it to naturally become a part of you. The quickest way is to hang out with guys who are confident, guys who are successful with girls. You become the five people you spend the most time with...make sure it's guys who will bring you up. That's what I kind of did..I dropped people that weren't really helping me and stuck with the guys that were going places. Hang out with successful guys or even some players..guys that can show you the ropes. You won't learn much from reading text on forums. You'll only truly get it when you are out with folks who will roll with you in the real-life who can tell you what you can do to help yourself with each situation. One more thing. Don't fear rejection. It's better to be rejected than to wonder what the heck would have happened if you actually approached the girl. Edited August 10, 2011 by FormerNiceGuy
Author AHardDaysNight Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I know it's better to be rejected, but I still can't get over the fear.
KathyM Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I know it's better to be rejected, but I still can't get over the fear. What's the worst that could happen? She turns you down. No big deal. Just gotta get used to the fact that some will be interested, and some won't.
todd Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I know it's better to be rejected, but I still can't get over the fear. The best way to get over your fear is to face it. You do not need to go right up to the 10 in the room and try to close with her the first time. Just start going out and getting to know people. Like suggested before, get involved in activities and start socializing. Again there doesn't have to be any intention of getting a number, you are just getting comfortable around women. When you start to feel comfortable around women then start trying to close some 6 and 7s. Again you are not looking for a relationship, you are looking for further encounters and dates where you can strengthen your dating and your social skills with women. Then work your way up as your confidence builds. There are plenty of books and websites devoted to overcoming your lack of experience and its called, getting in there and getting some! But yeah, go surf the web and most importantly get out in the real world and actually socialize. Thats the only way it will start to feel comfortable.
ptp Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) What's the worst that could happen? She turns you down. No big deal. Just gotta get used to the fact that some will be interested, and some won't. Most women don't regularly ask guys out and thus don't take the risk of rejection too often. It is easy to say "What's the worst that could happen? No big deal" but, getting rejected is like a body blow to the ego, it doesn't look like it should hurt too much but, one can only take so many body blows and they leave a mark. Also consider that some guys don't get positive reinforcement regarding their looks. For me getting rejected is a "big deal" and I do try to have thick skin about it but, people shouldn't minimize the pain others feel. Edited August 10, 2011 by ptp
PelicanPete Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I think the majority of people at some time in their life have been rejected before, no matter how attractive they are. Even those goofy professional PUA's strike out sometimes. If you get rejected just realize not every shoe is going to fit, but it's better to try then not try at all. It's like what Wayne Gretzsky was goin on about missing 100% of the shots you don't take. Just be yourself and ride the waves of the situation. It will all come easier with experience.
patagonia Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 c'mon man. Good looks isn't the main thing here. Sure attraction is key but I've seen drop dead beautiful women with some horrible, or at least I thought, looking men and vice versa. I'd say if you have friends that are women, you've got a hand up on most men out there. Be yourself and you will be just fine.
KathyM Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Most women don't regularly ask guys out and thus don't take the risk of rejection too often. It is easy to say "What's the worst that could happen? No big deal" but, getting rejected is like a body blow to the ego, it doesn't look like it should hurt too much but, one can only take so many body blows and they leave a mark. Also consider that some guys don't get positive reinforcement regarding their looks. For me getting rejected is a "big deal" and I do try to have thick skin about it but, people shouldn't minimize the pain others feel. I know it must be difficult to get rejected sometimes, but it's a fact of life. There's no getting around that. If you're not willing to risk rejection, then you're not going to make it very far in the dating world. You do have to develop a thick skin and try not to get too discouraged. That's the only way to succeed. If you're going to be afraid of rejection, you might as well pack it up and move to a monastery. It's really no easier on women. They have to wait around to be approached by someone, and for some of them, they are never or seldom approached. Then they have to wait around for a phone call which often never comes. No easy thing either way.
Recommended Posts