open to suggestions Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 2 weeks ago my husband and I split. It seemed mutual at the time, but now we are both having regrets. He wants us to "date" and I have said no. He is wanting to do this while we live apart, but while he also has his space. My heart hurts so bad, I can barely eat, sleep, and I just stopped crying yesterday. Now because I refused to "date" and he refuses to come home we are only talking every 2 or 3 days short and off of the phone. I have heard the words "We just grew apart, I don't think I'm in love with you anymore." I was so hurt to hear those words, but I felt the same way at the beginning. Then a few days ago we had a moment we never should have had even though it was nice to be held and loved again. I felt so relieved and then guilty. The next day I realized there was no way we could do this "dating" thing. He was so cold when I talked to him and refuses to consider coming back home. Now I feel rejected, I want to reach out and call him, but when I called about bills he agreed and quickly got off of the phone. He sounds so angry. He says he does think he is in love with me, but every time I see him or he comes to talk he cries as much as I do. I wonder if he is still in love and just cannot see through the pain. Or am I reading too much into it and I just need to give up and let go? I have been on my knees praying for an answer, I keep going back in forth in my mind like a damn bouncy ball. I can't grieve for him and be strung along. I want my mind to get on something besides him, but I can't help but think about it. I don't know how after many years together he can just walk away. Before anyone asks no there is not another woman, however there is a male best friend that just won't stay out of my marriage and completely uses my husband (of course he thinks the guy hung the freakin moon). After I asked him to give me one month without the best friend involved he flipped and has been angry ever since. Please tell me I will get my brain back eventually and the pain will stop. I don't cry the last couple of days but the pain is still unbearable. I stay busy with the kids and work but as soon as I am alone it is like I am hit with a truck all over again. He tells me "This **** is killing me", but he denies loving me and refuses to move back in at a risk he could hurt the kids. They are hurting already. I also can't help but wonder when do I just face it "He is not coming home!!!!" I keep dreaming he will walk back in and the reality is he won't. I even admitted to him all of the faults I have found within myself the last few weeks.
Yasuandio Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) Firstly, you need some help. Help like medical care. You are totally stressing out. You have to get a trip on your anxiety, fear and panic. Go see your MD tomorrow. Promise? Once you are in a calmer state, you will be able to see this for what it is. It's gonna be OK. For now -- stay totally away from him. Do not take calls or listen to voicemail. If you have to, block his number, get parental controls, whatever is necessary to get you away from his sadistic manipulation and control. At a time like this, if it were me, I would leave town for awhile (especially if I had it to do over again). Smarter, wiser, LSer's will come to your rescue too. Your H is playing a game wiith your mind. You are taking the bait hook, line, and sinker. You gotta calm down - and that won't happen if you see or engage (in person, and especially sexually) with this man. To do such is to reward him for treating you like a non-person, a non-wife; despensable. Is that what you are? Heck no. Stay away from him. You have come to the right place. Edited August 10, 2011 by Yasuandio
Author open to suggestions Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I already have an appointment Friday to see my doctor. I go through waves of emotions. I will be okay all day and then at night after the kids are in bed I panic. I took last week off but am going back to work tomorrow and I stay so busy I don't have time to think. It's funny you recommended leaving town. He will have the kids this weekend and I am off so I thought I might go to the beach and rent a room to just get away. Thank you for your honest words, I feel like I am being used and I have avoided his calls the last two days. I am hoping by Monday after a weekend away and my doctor's help I will see things different.
Yasuandio Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Outstanding! You are making all the right choices! When I have more energy tomorrow, I will list the important research you need to have under you belt. If you wake up in the night, and can't sleep.... Start here.... Michelle Weiner Davis - "Divorce-Busting" web-site. Specifically start following the 180's. You can search LS too for a link. Do every single thing you have stated. We are watching over you. Yas
Eddie Edirol Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Actually the "dating" idea would work, but only if you are both into it. You both have to be away from each other everyday to work on getting that spark back, because youre not in each others faces at home. Separate living is the way to go, but it sounds like he has lost total attraction to you rather than bieng in love with you. I suggest holding off on dating for a couple months until you can function and then try it. Let him miss you.
Author open to suggestions Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I wish I was the type of person that could handle the dating idea. I honestly cannot, I am considering counseling for myself to work through my resentment. It hurts that he can go live his life and have little responsibility. I have 3 kids to take care of, our house, and many animals, as well as a full time job. I changed my appt to tomorrow morning to meet with my doctor. It hurts me too much to see him walk away and know I will not be able to have any control at all in our relationship, everything is his terms. I will be honest, as much as I love him I don't know if deep down I even want him anymore. I feel after meeting with my doctor, speaking with a counselor, and a weekend away to clear my head I may look at our relationship different. The last week I have been at home alone dealing with the grief and helping my children with theirs. I did go to a friends house for a few hours, but when I came home he was here. I know I definitely need him to get all of his things and my key back. I need to set some ground rules and need to feel like my home is my home again, not his to walk into when he feels like it. Thank you for all of your comments, your honesty and a lot of prayer is helping me find the strength within that I did not know I had. I'm back to work tonight which I run at the whole shift, so I should be able to keep my mind busy. Then I am going straight to the doctor.
2sunny Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 your gut is triggering you that something seems off... so pay attention to your gut. if sleeping with him makes you feel as though you are betraying yourself = stop sleeping with him. since he says he's no longer in love with you - this usually indicates his interest in someone else - have you searched to find evidence if this is true or not? if you haven't looked into it - you should!
Tech_E Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Classic behavior. He was having an affair. Absolutely textbook classic. Research the 180, follow it. It's about your only chance to regain some sanity. I'm not one for meds etc, so I'm of no help there. He is cheating, there is absolutely, positively no question about it.
ver13 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 You need to let him go through whatever he thinks he needs to do, the dating thing is out of the question until he expresses a true desire to make the R work. As for his friend my wife had one of those cut from the same cloth and when we had serious issues in the past she was an A**H***. But I slowly realized that the one responsible for the drama was my W since she was the one relying on what some bum was advising her on. Forget his friend he's a loser and will always be one you just need to focus on what is important to you and your family. Take a real break from the H for a minute I mean like LC or NC just to get your head right.
Yasuandio Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Dear Forky, I hope you like the short name I gave. If not, someone will think of a better one. I really see your plan as is to be outstanding. I do believe in proper med, if adminisiter by your doctor. My guess is he gave you a little something to cope with anxiety, or referred you to a psychiatriac doctor that more frquently handles that mindstate. Don't feel weird about it, that what they are here for. I certainly hope you gained some relief from your visit today. It's like you instinctive realize the exact steps on how to handle this. You must keep a cool head, follow the 180 to a T, (I've broken many and lived to really regret it big time). NC or LC regarding children. He has to leave, period. When you come home and unexpectedly find him there, that causes you increased stress and anxiety. This is unacceptable. I have a perspective about your husband I will share with you later. I really feel angry myself about how you have been treated. I want a cool head when I address his issues. The most important person in your world right now is YOU! You must make youself stong, and resilient (or at least appear so). Do not leave the house without your hair done nicely, make up and lipstick, and a nice summer dress. Yes, a dress for a change, platform sandals. Something totally different. If you already wear summery dresses - then do a skirt, blouce, and footless leggings, or low-riders! [i was shocked that I could get my but into size junior low-riders! A younger girlfriend had to show me that area of TJ MAX.] If your short on cash, thrift store near rich neighbors are a great place to loiter! I just learned about. Women's Homeless Shelter's often have little stores too. Or, while your a "traveling girl" (as Mi-Mi Tanner might call it, in the Reverse Ultematum), perhaps you might go to a salon a change your hair color and/or get some highlights and/or lowlights. Instead of the striped look, what's in right now is a technique where under-panals of hair are colored hi or low (or both) so they peep out when you shake your head. Come back a new woman ready to take this on! Web suggestion: Marriage Builders (tons of free articles) Free weekly, bi-weekly information (outlines of critical points in each authors book, I learned a lot from these, and even purchased3-4 of the e-books because the material was so informative. My suggestions are below: Sign up for every free email on every ebook Mi-Mi Tanner has ever written. Also, sign up for free emails from Royi Raye (same procedure). Don't buy anything, the basic outs are free in daily newsletters. Michelle has a free one too. You may want to get her most recent book on divorcebusting from Amazon. Both books were very helpful to me. This is just suggestions of what I wish I had at your stage. Look up Homer too. (google homer/divorce) Dr. bob grant - excellent writter, he has a free e-newsletter to. Amy Waterhouse - Outstanding, same procedure. Are you going to bring you computer on the trip? Other members with provide many resouces for you! We are watching over you, Forky! Yas
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