bleep Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I'll try to keep this as simple as possible. I've been working two jobs to try to make ends meet for my girlfriend and me, who I have been with since October 2007. It has caused a lot of tension because I'm rarely around to even have a relationship and, for a time, it felt like we were simply roommates. Well, this is exactly how she felt, and with me not being around, she became extremely lonely. So, in one drunken night, she cheated on me. I only found out because the guy she cheated on me with contacted me after she found out she was pregnant, he told her to move in with him, and she rejected him. She quickly came clean to me and all the aforementioned issues with lack of intimacy finally came to the surface. Right now, we're separated. We love each-other dearly, and I know she feels absolutely horrible about what she did to me... heck, I even tried blaming myself for catalyzing this whole issue with working too much, but she refused to put the blame on anyone but herself. Problem is... she's pregnant. She used to talk how she'd be fine with an abortion in the event that we got pregnant, but she's saying that now she's pregnant, she has all these emotions for this child that's not even here yet. She hasn't made a decision whether to keep it or not yet, but I'm trying to figure out things for myself. By her keeping the kid, it means the guy she cheated on me with will forever be in the picture, despite her not wanting to be with him. Also, by her keeping the kid, it means that I will have to have a central role in the child's life; perhaps even like a father figure. She'll need me to love the child, but I don't know how I could love the permanent sign of her one night of infidelity. I want her to just abort and we can pick up the pieces from there; but with the child coming, it just seems too complicated to be able to stick around. So there it is... I don't know where to go from here. I love this girl... she's my life and I have done so much for her. She despises herself for her selfish act, and I believe it to be genuine. I also believe her love for me to still be genuine and true. How do I handle this train-wreck of a situation?
David Cain Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 How do you know the baby is his? Being drunk and relationship issues do no excuse her cheating. Whether the baby is yours or not, you deserve better. Drop her.
Chi townD Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Wow, that's a lot of BS to be placed on your shoulders. The one thing you have to remember, this wasn't your fault. You're in a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. If you insist on an abortion and she has it, she may end up resenting you for the loss of her baby. But, on the flip side, if she keeps it, you may end up resenting her for cheating on you and that child will be a constant reminder of what she did to you. Most relationships and marriages that involve a child that was concieved outside that relationship rarely last. And you're right, the OM will be involved in her life for the rest of her life. Will you be able to put up with them interacting all the time. For you to see them together in the same room? Look, I know you love her. But you might have to let this one go. Sorry about your situation.
Tech_E Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 No kids (well of your own), no marriage (yet), she's already cheated? Umm come on man. Drop this woman. Tell me while you've been busting your a$$ what has she been doing (besides spreading her legs that is)? Harsh, yes, but necessary. Move on.
Richard Friedman Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Are you insane? There are 150 million other women in this country and for some reason you feel you need to be with one that cuckolds you and is carrying another man's child? It's just mindboggling. There is nothing special about her. You'll learn that you can feel the same love with someone else, and your feelings for her will wane with time. Don't throw away your life like a fool and get stuck paying for another man's child. GET OUT NOW. Christ, don't you have a father or uncle you can talk to about this stuff? Someone's not doing their job...
Lecturer Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I'd like to point out that if you agree to stay with her and start raising this child, you will assume primary parental role LEGALLY, and be legally obligated to support this child as though it was your own, even though you are not the biological father. Meaning - child support payments if you two split later on. There are several cases of this happening throughout North America (I'm assuming you're from either US or Canada).
Steadfast Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I usually have considerable sympathy for the betrayed, but in this case I'm finding it hard to feel anything but disgust for any of you. All except the child ...it's the only one completely innocent yet (if you have your way) it'll be the one that's put to death. Just so your precious little life isn't inconvenienced? My advise is to allow this woman to do the right thing, and move on. Afterwards I suggest you take a deep, hard look at what love really is. Really. This is a heartless world. And it's getting worse.
David Cain Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) I usually have considerable sympathy for the betrayed, but in this case I'm finding it hard to feel anything but disgust for any of you. All except the child ...it's the only one completely innocent yet (if you have your way) it'll be the one that's put to death. Just so your precious little life isn't inconvenienced? My advise is to allow this woman to do the right thing, and move on. Afterwards I suggest you take a deep, hard look at what love really is. Really. This is a heartless world. And it's getting worse. Dude this man was betrayed and she is possibly carrying another man's child. To call him a heartless man is foolish of you and your argument about abortion is off-topic. All men who have a woman who got knocked up by another man will have some of the feelings he has right now. It's normal for someone who's been deeply traumatized. Just because there is a baby in the mix doesn't mean that prevails over the abuse and pain she dished out to him unjustifiably. Figured since you were betrayed yourself you'd understand. Edited August 10, 2011 by David Cain
Bugz Bunny Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 First there is no justification for cheating and while you were working for a better life for both of you she was F****** another guy and making a baby wit him...and she put you on risk for STD and if she wasnt pregnant she would never tell you about this...UNBELIEVABLE Because she is pregnant with OM she has two options: a) abortion and the two of you try to work out this mess that she created b) she keeps the baby and the two of you split and you move on with your life... the decision about the baby is only hers because the baby is hers and not yours...but she can decide one of the two options from above... if she decides option "b" I honestly think that you should move on with your life without her because the child would be a daily reminder of her infidelity and the OM would be always in your life... and if you decide to stay and raise the baby that is not yours, you will suffer your entire life... there are a lot of girls in this world with high morals that would value you better and wont cheat and with time you will be better and better without her... YOU DESERVE BETTER MY FRIEND - EVERYBODY DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS Good luck whatever you decide to do...
bleucrayonz Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 brush it off and keep it pushin'. theres better out there.
DepressedinDenver Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Horrible situation dude. Please leave this girl. I tell you if you stay you are going to live a hot mess of a life.
pie2 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I agree with Steadfast. OP, when I read your situation, I just feel like crying. Your GF was completely in the wrong when she cheated; there's no excusing it. Nonetheless, I think it's complete selfishness on your part to ask her to abort a child so you can have your happy-ever-after. Please move on. I doubt she'll abort this child. What kind of male role model would you be for this child? You would rather the kid be dead, so you can be happy!
Layzie89 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 You have to ask herself 'Would I have ever known about her cheating had she not gotten pregnant?' Shows a lot about her character. Whether you're the father or not, fact is she cheated and it's best you leave her.
StoneCold Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Dude..its not like shes your wife where your legaly tied and would have to endure an expensive divorce.... Shes having another guys kid?....just bounce and wish her happy trails
Bryanp Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 She did not even use any protection while she cheated on you and put your health at risk for STD's. What does that tell you? She had no intention of even telling you until she got pregnant with the OM's baby. Do you really want to be financially obligated to another man's child until the child is 18 years old? What was the point of busting your ass all this time for? She feels horrible for being forced to tell you the truth because she is pregnant with his kid. Don't waste your life on someone like this. Find somebody else who can love and respect you. She is using you right now. Don't be a fool.
Steadfast Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Dude this man was betrayed and she is possibly carrying another man's child. To call him a heartless man is foolish of you and your argument about abortion is off-topic. You have a right to your opinion. I have a right to mine. In my opinion, true happiness and wholeness in life means having respect for it. Sad to say the betrayed can and do make mistakes that will affect them for the rest of their lives too. The callous, unloving acts of others is no excuse. There is no pass or pardon for the betrayed in life's minefield. Therefore, my advice stands; the OP's best chance for true love and happiness in a relationship lies elsewhere. Learn from the mistakes (both yours, and the mistakes of others) don't repeat them. Choose wisely-
silktricks Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) Why are you convinced the child is not yours? Have there been any in-utero tests done? Not that it necessarily has any bearing, but how would you feel if you coerced her to have an abortion and then found out it was your child? Edited August 10, 2011 by silktricks
Chi townD Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I agree with Steadfast. OP, when I read your situation, I just feel like crying. Your GF was completely in the wrong when she cheated; there's no excusing it. Nonetheless, I think it's complete selfishness on your part to ask her to abort a child so you can have your happy-ever-after. Please move on. I doubt she'll abort this child. What kind of male role model would you be for this child? You would rather the kid be dead, so you can be happy! I don't think that the OP wrote that he outright TOLD her she had to get an abortion, he just implies that he would like to see her get an abortion. I do believe that he knows that, that choice isn't his. However, we want to label him as evil for ever suggesting it, but if a woman actually does it, then it's looked upon as her exercising her right at pro-choice. so unbalanced...
David Cain Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 You have a right to your opinion. I have a right to mine. Good for you. In my opinion, true happiness and wholeness in life means having respect for it. Sad to say the betrayed can and do make mistakes that will affect them for the rest of their lives too. The callous, unloving acts of others is no excuse. There is no pass or pardon for the betrayed in life's minefield. Still doesn't excuse what happened, and he has a say in it. Just because she's a woman with a child doesn't give her the right to do whatever she wants. That old school thinking needs to go. Therefore, my advice stands; the OP's best chance for true love and happiness in a relationship lies elsewhere. Learn from the mistakes (both yours, and the mistakes of others) don't repeat them. Choose wisely- He didn't make any mistakes so what are you talking about.
MusicMan1234 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 There is no tactful way to say this so i'm just going to say it. Kick her to the crub, man. Seriously...she cheats on you, gets pregnant with his kid and then wants you to provide her with a house and money so you two can raise this other guys kid? She doesn't respect you, she's not sorry she's just scared and in damage control. You have NO obligation to stick with her any longer. You find yourself another girl, someone with some integrity and dignity. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Be strong and do what's best for your future now.
David Cain Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 i love the way the majority of this thread is pro dump his girlfriend, never seen such a strong presence of strong willed people before in this site.... its making my heart all warm inside im not alone yayDon't I know the feeling. You never were never alone.
2011aug Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Bleep, Not your child, thus not your responsibility. You have to work 2 jobs to support your girlfriend now. Can you afford to support the other man's child too? If you stay with her and start supporting the child, you could be on the hook for child support for the next 18 to 20+ years. And, since she has shown she is untrustworthy, why stay with her? Take time out for yourself and build up your confidence and stop fearing a future without her. (Easier said than done?)
Steadfast Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Good for you. Why don't you let the OP pick the advice he wants and leave me out of it? I directed nothing your way. If you take issue with what I've written, don't threadjack. Send me a PM and we'll battle it out. Still doesn't excuse what happened, and he has a say in it. Just because she's a woman with a child doesn't give her the right to do whatever she wants. That old school thinking needs to go. No one is excusing anything. My advice is dump the cheater. Not married? No kids? She cheats? Dump her and never look back. The only thing he has a say in is whether or not he wants to stay. This person; pregnant, not pregnant, woman or man certainly DOES have 'the right' to do as they please. You may fool yourself into thinking you can control someone, but only if you're a fool. If you think freewill and freedom of choice is old school, that's your problem. Done with this David. Contact me off list if you wish to continue.
David Cain Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Why don't you let the OP pick the advice he wants and leave me out of it? I directed nothing your way. Yes you did. Check your post. If you take issue with what I've written, don't threadjack. Send me a PM and we'll battle it out. Like you said, you stated your opinion and I stated mine. But I will take you up on that offer nonetheless. No one is excusing anything. My advice is dump the cheater. Not married? No kids? She cheats? Dump her and never look back. Even if there were kids or a marriage it doesn't excuse what happened. You divorced your cheater, correct? The only thing he has a say in is whether or not he wants to stay. This person; pregnant, not pregnant, woman or man certainly DOES have 'the right' to do as they please. They may have the right to do it but that doesn't mean there will be no consequences. You may fool yourself into thinking you can control someone, but only if you're a fool. If you think freewill and freedom of choice is old school, that's your problem. The only one who's fooling themselves is you if you think a woman can do anything she wants and get away with it, simply because she's a female. The time for coddling women is over. New age. Get with the program. Done with this David. Contact me off list if you wish to continue. Pfft.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I usually have considerable sympathy for the betrayed, but in this case I'm finding it hard to feel anything but disgust for any of you. All except the child ...it's the only one completely innocent yet (if you have your way) it'll be the one that's put to death. Just so your precious little life isn't inconvenienced? My advise is to allow this woman to do the right thing, and move on. Afterwards I suggest you take a deep, hard look at what love really is. Really. This is a heartless world. And it's getting worse. Agree with this post... although I do think it's pretty harsh, but probably necessary. I want to add: if she isn't comfortable with having an abortion, don't guilt her into it. It will not be good for her and if you stay involved with her, it will not be good for you. You could use this as an opportunity to "grow" or you can believe it's too far out your limits and that you don't think you can overcome it. You wouldn't be the first man who has attempted something like it if you choose to fight for your relationship with her ------ the man I am currently with accepted me while I was pregnant with my ex's child. Our stories are different... but he had people telling him to forget me, etc etc etc, there's a sea of women out there, etc etc. We're still together and he acts as a father figure to both of the children I've with my ex. If anything, it's one of the things that has made me feel closer to him. It's probably unusual behavior, but only you can know if it's something worth fighting for or not.
Recommended Posts