wheelwright Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I have said I have found some peace after a long time now I have split from H. We still see each other a lot and amicably. He sends me kisses on texts. I do not send kisses to him. I have told him how I feel. Today, he left two love heart sweets on my table when he picked up the kids. I found them after they had gone. The one on top said 'I love you' the one under said 'make up'. I feel a bit swayed, but don't really know what to make of it. I am enjoying my peace and the way I feel joy in the world again. How should I tackle this one?
David Cain Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I have said I have found some peace after a long time now I have split from H. We still see each other a lot and amicably. He sends me kisses on texts. I do not send kisses to him. I have told him how I feel. Today, he left two love heart sweets on my table when he picked up the kids. I found them after they had gone. The one on top said 'I love you' the one under said 'make up'. I feel a bit swayed, but don't really know what to make of it. I am enjoying my peace and the way I feel joy in the world again. How should I tackle this one? Obviously and understandably he misses you. Just keep telling him you cannot accept his offers. He'll let go eventually. Or you could simply tell him off and say something hurtful.
Spark1111 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Obviously and understandably he misses you. Just keep telling him you cannot accept his offers. He'll let go eventually. Or you could simply tell him off and say something hurtful. Obviously he does miss you. You can be kind and grateful, but do not ever give false hope. That would be cruel. So tell him what you have told us: that you are relishing your time alone and are finding peace and joy while you sort yourself out. And that you do not want to give him any false hope. That you value his friendship and his parenting.......but for now, that is it. You need time for you. Can he accept that? Ask him.
Owl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Clearly he's not nearly as happy with the seperation/pending divorce as you are...he's still hoping for a reconciliation. Make it very clear to him that there's no possibility of that. Limit any and all interaction with him to 'business only' about the seperation, care of the children, etc... This is a prime example of why you can't be "just friends" after being in a relationship. Typically one or the other continue to harbor feelings. You moved on while you were still married...hence your affair. He's just now being forced to move on, when that was never his intention or goal...even when you made it clear that it was yours. The best thing to do is to be blunt...even harsh if needed...to set boundaries and hopefully he'll heal and deal with the situation.
seren Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Sounds like he is trying to woo you. Be honest, not hurtful.
Owl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Seren, if he's still holding onto the belief that their marriage will reconcile after all of this...after all I've seen of WW's posts...she may well have to be harsh or hurtful to disabuse him of his hopes.
Author wheelwright Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Thanks for the feedback. It's not really in my nature to be harsh. I have been trying to play it as Spark has suggested, and will continue on that tack. It was really good to hear your thoughts. I have had the false hope conversation with him. Truth is we get on really well now the pressures of trying to make something work have gone. But I don't think that's a cue to get back together. This is the first time I have felt happy in a long time, and xH is happier too, even if he does miss the M. A friend of mine who separated from her H is still good friends. If she has a problem, she calls both her current partner and her x to discuss. She is quite alternative, and wouldn't follow a conventional approach if she felt another road were better. She has had Christmases with everyone together including new partners. So it's possible.
Tech_E Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Just do the right thing. Don't give him false hope. Perhaps you might want to find another way to get it across to him? Are you now dating (can't remember your full back story). If not, perhaps try some dinner dates to help get the point across.
Calif_hope Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Possible but very, very rare. Only works if every is on the same page, I would not count on a kumbiya relationship with your husband. The odd are it will be scheduled holidays, some for him and some for you, then switch. What is likely is a mutual respect as co-parents but not friends.
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