bigdgsr Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Quick recap: Together for 11 months. Friends for 10 years before got together. Me 29, her 33. She has a 3 1/2 year old son. Had a good relationship and we clicked on many levels. Her son and entire family became a big part of my life. She got incredible busy with work, and family events this past month. We were struggling with finding time for us, and I kept pushing the issue. We came up with ideas to try, but never did them. We were both getting incredibly frustrated. 2 weeks ago, had a talk and decided she needed to sort things out and to take some time apart. Saw her the next 2 days and even stayed over one night. Didn't talk for a few days and she sent a break the ice funny text. I ignored it. 2 days later another text asking whats going on and how am I doing. We chit chat back and forth all day. This past Saturday we text back and forth all day and at night she asks me to go to her sister's house. It was late and I was already out. I didn't go, so next morning I text her about my night. I end up going to see her and her son on Sunday. I spent about 3 hours with them and we discussed where we stood. This is the outcome: I need some time to sort things out. I am not cutting ties with you. I want you in my life still. I have a lot going on right now, and I know I can't give you a lot of time. We still have a connection. I am not throwing my feelings for you out, and I don't expect you to wait for me. I understand exactly what you are saying, and I get it, but I'm extremly frustrated because its the same thing. I am not shutting you out, I'm not blocking you, or ignoring you. Time will heal my frustrations, time lets you forgive, and time lets you miss someone. I love you, my family loves you, and my son loves you. We've never had trust issues in the relationship. I need to just take a step back for myself and be alone. Haven't talked to her since then, and I don't plan on it. I'm starting to move on and help myself get better. I told myself, that I would allow 4 weeks to see what happens.
Chi townD Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Translation: taking a break = breaking up. Period. You can sugar coat it all you want but that's what it is. When she says that she doesn't expect you to wait for her is red flags to me. For me, it says "We haven't been spending time together and I found someone else I'm interested in." Doesn't mean she cheating, but she can't pursue this other person with you around. And if it doesn't work out, well, she has you as the back-up plan. Then, if you get back together, you can't get mad at anything she did with this guy because, "you two weren't together." Just something to think about.
Author bigdgsr Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 There is no other guy. I am 100% sure of that. I've been in a marriage with infidelity and I know the signs. There were never trust issues in our relationship. Cell phones always in plain sight, facebook was open, along with e-mails. We didn't have anything to hide from each other.
jchips Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 you know, big, sometimes you really can take a person at their word. it sounds like she could be really stressed out between work, her child, other family obligations, and not having any quality time with you for the above reasons. maybe she really does need some time just for herself. the fact that she said she didn't want you to wait for her does indicate that she's weighing where she stands with you. and it could be because she has known you so long and seems to genuinely care about you, she doesn't want to hurt you with saying, "let's break up." however, she didn't use those words, and she indicated she definitely wants you in her life. she has a whole lot on her plate that is really important to her. i'd take her at her word, back off, not wait but be as supportive of her as i could. honestly, guys, sometimes we need some space, too, and with a little breathing room we can clear our heads and come back refreshed. but big, i'd be very supportive of her when she reaches out to you. only time will tell.
Author bigdgsr Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 She definitely has a lot on her plate. She is the head of technology at her company and they are moving in December. She will then be working from home which she is freaked out about. She is also 3 months behind on a project at work. Our 2 free days a week without her son, she is at work until 8:30 or 9PM. Its been like this for 2 months. This is when we started to get distant. We knew it was an issue and we discussed it, but never fixed it. I kept bringing it up, and it was pushing her away. She then started feeling guilty because she wasn't able to give me the time she wanted to and put all this pressure on herself. It just kept building and building and with the month of July being so crazy, we had no time to work on things or to spend alone time together. This is another reason why I believe that there is no other guy. She knows how I feel about her, and I know she still has feelings for me. I think a few weeks of no contact, and no pressure, she will be able to look at us with a clearer mind set.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 She definitely has a lot on her plate. She is the head of technology at her company and they are moving in December. She will then be working from home which she is freaked out about. She is also 3 months behind on a project at work. Our 2 free days a week without her son, she is at work until 8:30 or 9PM. Its been like this for 2 months. This is when we started to get distant. We knew it was an issue and we discussed it, but never fixed it. I kept bringing it up, and it was pushing her away. She then started feeling guilty because she wasn't able to give me the time she wanted to and put all this pressure on herself. It just kept building and building and with the month of July being so crazy, we had no time to work on things or to spend alone time together. This is another reason why I believe that there is no other guy. She knows how I feel about her, and I know she still has feelings for me. I think a few weeks of no contact, and no pressure, she will be able to look at us with a clearer mind set. I am usually a big cynic about these things, but I think she is just busy. She was making an effort, trying to get in contact with you when you didn't contact her. You should try to help her in any way you can and wait for the dust to settle at work. If she is still distant and things are still the same after she gets her time back then it is time to worry.
Author bigdgsr Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 That's exactly what I plan on doing. I will let her clear her plate a little bit, and she how she approaches me. If things are different in a few weeks, and we still have no contact, then I will know how she feels. I figure 1 month is a good amount of time. Things should be less hectic and that should be enough time for both of us to have clear heads.
Mack05 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Bigd if she truly loved you she would not breakup with you PERIOD. Right now you are low down in the list of her priorities.. 1) Child 2) Family 3) Work you.. Her little speech is to keep you dangling. She knows you have an emotional attachment to her and her kid. Leaving a relationship with a kid is devastating as when we connect to them, the love we feel is so special. There is nothing on this earth more genuine then the love of a child. She is not sure she wants to be in this relationship (I don't have enough to go on, as to why) so she wants to spend time alone to see how she gets on. If she is happy and/or meets someone else then she won't be back. If she struggles, then she will come back giving you the old cliched lines.."I missed you", "can't stand the thoughts of being without you" etc etc. There is no way in hell I would go back to her. The fact is her child will always come first. That is completely understandable and that is the way it should be, but when she puts family and especially work ahead of your relationship, it's time to accept she is not for you. When you meet the right person, a good family understands that he/she becomes your No1 priority, otherwise no one would get married if we kept putting family first over our partners. You deserve so much better mate. It's time to take the doormat sign off your head. Losing contact with her kid will be heartbreaking (you have no idea) but if you stay with this woman, you will suffer a lot more in the longrun. You need to have the courage to go NC and stay NC. If she wants you back, let her prove herself (BIGTIME) to you. It's not up to you to prove yourself to her. If it were me, i'd see the red flags and cut the chord. Best of luck mate
Author bigdgsr Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Thanks Mack. You are so right about the child. I definitely had a big connection with him and its vaery hard losing 2 people in my life. I have started NC and I am on day 4. I am going to continue NC. She is going to have to prove herself big time to me, for me to consider anything.
flitzanu Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 i'm with the realists (aka cynics). "i don't want to be with you right now" = "i don't want to be with you" don't you want someone who WANTS to be with you?
jchips Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 i'm still in the camp that says this woman has no time to think even of herself, much less what a relationship or a partner needs. big, the question then becomes what do you want? are you willing to be supportive & wait, and if so for how long? i think to put a definite timeline on it might be helpful. all i know is if my man was swamped up to his eyeballs with work and said "i still want you in my life" (in fact i have heard that before from a guy in a medical residency and it turned out to be the truth!) and i truly dug this guy, yeah, i'd wait a while. (and i did, in the above case, and it was worth it in that situation.) there's nothing wrong with putting someone else's needs ahead of your own for a period of time. it's called maturity. but what do you want? she did say not to wait for her, that's the rub. how long are you willing to wait? is she worth it?
Author bigdgsr Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 I told myself I give it 1 month. The relationship before this was very good. It was a 50/50 relationship. We were both putting in the effort and it was a great relationship. Little issues we had, we got right past them together. We kind of just hit a big bump with all of this. I agree that she is just extremely busy right now. She has her son 4 days a week, and on 2 of the off days she is working 14 hour days. She basically gets 1 weekend day a week to take care of everything else in her life (exercise, clean house, laundry, grocery shopping, just time for herself, etc..)
Author bigdgsr Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Update on the situation: I had enough yesterday and I knew she was home. I needed to get some things off my chest. I was tired of being in limbo land. It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since we officially went on the break. So I went to her house and basically spoke my mind. I asked her straight up: If you have zero feelings for me, and the door on us has been closed, then tell me that. If that's the case, then we will both go our separate ways. She responded with absolutely not. I basically told her, I'm not looking to play games or be with someone who can't handle a healthy and serious relationship. We both agreed that not keeping the lines of communication open and not spending time together will only bring us further apart. We both know that our closeness has faded at the moment and the only way to see if we can work on it, is to spend time together. We do not have any expectations right now. She planned 2 days next week for us to go to dinner and the other day is up to me. I will see how the first meeting goes. I know its going to be a little awkward at first. Don't know if things will work out, but time will tell. Also, 6:30Am this morning I get a text from here. We texted back a little bit this morning.
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