Is this really that bad?

[Newwaveofgoodtidings]

I have decided to leave my marriage.

My husband has been cheating on me for years, since long before our son was born.

 

I have just turned 30, he is 34. He lies a lot and says things will be different but they never are. I keep finding him talking to other women on the Internet on different websites. Now he says it is because or marriage is so bad that he wants to reach out to other pepole. I don't believe that. I think he is just selfish and wants to blame me.

 

I have tried everything I can think our to fix our marriage and we even split up before and got back together.

 

Now my self-esteem is really low and I feel a lot of times like no man would want me because I am used goods to a cheater and I have a child.

 

I want to have an affair because I think

That that attention will boost my confidence and encourage me to take my life in a new direction. I feel like it will rebuild some self-esteem until I can leave and be on my own. My spouse hasn't been intimate with me in close to a year and I have needs too. He is very selfish. I think an affair would take my

Mind off of him. I want to hear thoughts from everyone but mostly women who have done this.

[Professor X]

Well, lets be realistic, shall we? Since you can't provide for your own, you can't really effort to leave your H - that's the sad trust (if I understood it right).

What I think you should be doing, is to start saving money (he still provides so take from him), put it in a different bank account and save it for a bad day. Meanwhile work on improving your ability to live on yourself - maybe go study, find a job, just think of a way to make money.

 

You are right that the attention you will get will boost your ego, but you mustn't forget that there are plenty of women out there with kids, divorced, who find love at older age.

 

I've known a woman, 38yo with 2 kids who founded love after she got divorced (quite quickly too if I might add) - and she's happy until this day (her exH also cheated on her).

Oh and, she did exactly what I wrote, she worked on herself, on how to live on her own, than she moved out, seperated from him, divorced, founded a new man and viola Happy until today.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes it is bad and may impact your divorce as well. Both of you will have committed adultery, not just one of you.

[Newwaveofgoodtidings]

Well, lets be realistic, shall we? Since you can't provide for your own, you can't really effort to leave your H - that's the sad trust (if I understood it right).

What I think you should be doing, is to start saving money (he still provides so take from him), put it in a different bank account and save it for a bad day. Meanwhile work on improving your ability to live on yourself - maybe go study, find a job, just think of a way to make money.

 

You are right that the attention you will get will boost your ego, but you mustn't forget that there are plenty of women out there with kids, divorced, who find love at older age.

 

I've known a woman, 38yo with 2 kids who founded love after she got divorced (quite quickly too if I might add) - and she's happy until this day (her exH also cheated on her).

Oh and, she did exactly what I wrote, she worked on herself, on how to live on her own, than she moved out, seperated from him, divorced, founded a new man and viola Happy until today.

 

I can support myself. In fact my work was better before I met him because he does work intermittently. He gets fired a lot and then lives off of me. Our debt is huge because he spends a lot on take out food, beer and pornography. We used to take trips together as well.

 

I think he is depressed but that doesn't change anything. I would like to go back for more work training. I think I cold do alot better with some guaranteed certificate or diploma. It is hard to keep motivated to keep working hard when the person you are with keeps spending it away and making time with others. He does this when I go to work too. It is very hard. I don't want to be in it anymore.

 

I think by finding someone outside I could forget about these problems and feel better. I think that way I can get my needs met and feel like I can stand up for myself.

[Newwaveofgoodtidings]

Yes it is bad and may impact your divorce as well. Both of you will have committed adultery, not just one of you.

 

I live in a no-fault area

 

The marriage is broken anyways. I don't look at it like the cheating is that bad when the other person has been cheating all along and will not have sex with me. I don't want to have sex with him that much but I do have the need for sex and hugs and kisses. I'm only human.

[Chi townD]

Not a woman, but I can tell you this.

 

I would find a woman far more attractive if she was strong enough to leave a cheating SOB, who was able to stand on her own two feet, is able to support herself and her child. It would tell me that she doesn't NEED to be with me, but WANTS to be with me.

 

Versus:

 

A woman that ended her marriage because they were both cheating on each other. Makes me think that if she could do that to him, she could easily do it to me.

 

And really? Do you really need to stoop to HIS level?

[Professor X]

I can support myself. In fact my work was better before I met him because he does work intermittently. He gets fired a lot and then lives off of me. Our debt is huge because he spends a lot on take out food, beer and pornography. We used to take trips together as well.

 

I think he is depressed but that doesn't change anything. I would like to go back for more work training. I think I cold do alot better with some guaranteed certificate or diploma. It is hard to keep motivated to keep working hard when the person you are with keeps spending it away and making time with others. He does this when I go to work too. It is very hard. I don't want to be in it anymore.

 

I think by finding someone outside I could forget about these problems and feel better. I think that way I can get my needs met and feel like I can stand up for myself.

 

My apologizes. I thought I read between the lines when I assumed you couldn't support yourself.

 

In any case, try and live on your own first, it will help you go through the final steps of your divorce (the actual papers) as well as any future man that you will meet you will feel more comfortable with since you won't have to hide a thing from him.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can support myself. In fact my work was better before I met him because he does work intermittently. He gets fired a lot and then lives off of me. Our debt is huge because he spends a lot on take out food, beer and pornography. We used to take trips together as well.

 

I think he is depressed but that doesn't change anything. I would like to go back for more work training. I think I cold do alot better with some guaranteed certificate or diploma. It is hard to keep motivated to keep working hard when the person you are with keeps spending it away and making time with others. He does this when I go to work too. It is very hard. I don't want to be in it anymore.

 

I think by finding someone outside I could forget about these problems and feel better. I think that way I can get my needs met and feel like I can stand

up for myself.

 

I think you married my husband! :laugh:

Just get to the filing already. The last thing you should be worried about is how to make your life more complicated.

 

How do you think you are going to find this fantasy affair anyways? Between work, your kid and trying to keep your house up between leaving your husband and treating your own mental health. Some of that would have to give. It takes quite a bit of time, effort and energy to keep a secret that destructive under wraps and it doesn't sound like your husband is the picture of stability if he does find out.

 

Don't look for the answers outside of your relationship. What are the odds that another relationship/sexual encounter are going to make you happy? Really truly happy? If you want yo take your mind off of it, try finding something great to do with your son. Take a class, make some new (female) friends. Go to some counseling. Whatever you need to distract you instead of destruct you.

 

I have a pretty good idea what you are going through (please feel free to check out my threads). I am not on the other side of if myself but I am pretty sure that my life isn't over and that there was nothing that incredibly wrong with me for my husband to treat me the way he has. That doesn't mean you need the opinion of a second penis to get through this.

[Woman In Blue]

It sounds as though you're making all kinds of excuses to stay with this loser you married, while he continues to chip away at your self esteem and dig you farther into debt. You want to stay in this situation because ... why?

 

I'm not going to try to tell you to take the high road and not cheat on that worthless sack you married. I couldn't care less what you do to him and quite frankly, he deserves anything he gets.

[Newwaveofgoodtidings]

Not a woman, but I can tell you this.

 

I would find a woman far more attractive if she was strong enough to leave a cheating SOB, who was able to stand on her own two feet, is able to support herself and her child. It would tell me that she doesn't NEED to be with me, but WANTS to be with me.

 

Versus:

 

A woman that ended her marriage because they were both cheating on each other. Makes me think that if she could do that to him, she could easily do it to me.

 

And really? Do you really need to stoop to HIS level?

 

I am not yet ready financially to split though. I am working and he is somewhat of a liability but I can't fully support all the daycare and other stuff by myself. I know he will make things tough when I try to go. I am saving what I can but my self-confidence is very low and I often feel like I deserve this. It makes things worse when he let's me know I do too.

 

I think if I had a nice man to escape with then things here wouldn't seem so bad and it would encourage me to get out quicker. I am very sad because my son and him are very close.

 

My apologizes. I thought I read between the lines when I assumed you couldn't support yourself.

 

In any case, try and live on your own first, it will help you go through the final steps of your divorce (the actual papers) as well as any future man that you will meet you will feel more comfortable with since you won't have to hide a thing from him.

 

I think you married my husband! :laugh:

Just get to the filing already. The last thing you should be worried about is how to make your life more complicated

 

How do you think you are going to find this fantasy affair anyways? Between work, your kid and trying to keep your house up between leaving your husband and treating your own mental health. Some of that would have to give. It takes quite a bit of time, effort and energy to keep a secret that destructive under wraps and it doesn't sound like your husband is the picture of stability if he does find out.

 

Don't look for the answers outside of your relationship. What are the odds that another relationship/sexual encounter are going to make you happy? Really truly happy? If you want yo take your mind off of it, try finding something great to do with your son. Take a class, make some new (female) friends. Go to some counseling. Whatever you need to distract you instead of destruct you.

 

I have a pretty good idea what you are going through (please feel free to check out my threads). I am not on the other side of if myself but I am pretty sure that my life isn't over and that there was nothing that incredibly wrong with me for my husband to treat me the way he has. That doesn't mean you need the opinion of a second penis to get through this.

 

Two of my friends have had affairs. One in the last year and she left her husband for her now boyfriend and she is really happy now. Her husband was not anywhere near as bad as mine either. I don't think it would be hard to fund someone nicer then my husband. He is really cruel. He even turned me down again tonight. I hate this being alone all the time. I just want some company and affection y'know? Why should I have to wait years for that. It takes a year of living apart before you can file here. I have had needs for alot longer.

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

 

It sounds as though you're making all kinds of excuses to stay with this loser you married, while he continues to chip away at your self esteem and dig you farther into debt. You want to stay in this situation because ... why?

 

I'm not going to try to tell you to take the high road and not cheat on that worthless sack you married. I couldn't care less what you do to him and quite frankly, he deserves anything he gets.

 

I don't want my son to suffer any more. I just want some time to get myself together. I want to feel pretty and sexy again. Even just for a little bit. I think it would help me leave. An exit affair.

 

I think he deserves what he gets too.

[KathyM]

I have decided to leave my marriage.

My husband has been cheating on me for years, since long before our son was born.

 

I have just turned 30, he is 34. He lies a lot and says things will be different but they never are. I keep finding him talking to other women on the Internet on different websites. Now he says it is because or marriage is so bad that he wants to reach out to other pepole. I don't believe that. I think he is just selfish and wants to blame me.

 

I have tried everything I can think our to fix our marriage and we even split up before and got back together.

 

Now my self-esteem is really low and I feel a lot of times like no man would want me because I am used goods to a cheater and I have a child.

 

I want to have an affair because I think

That that attention will boost my confidence and encourage me to take my life in a new direction. I feel like it will rebuild some self-esteem until I can leave and be on my own. My spouse hasn't been intimate with me in close to a year and I have needs too. He is very selfish. I think an affair would take my

Mind off of him. I want to hear thoughts from everyone but mostly women who have done this.

Don't complicate your life with an affair. Your husband may have behaved like garbage, but aren't you better than that? Why sink to his level? Just leave the guy. You should have done that ages ago. Change the locks on the doors and make arrangements with your husband to have his stuff delivered elsewhere. Life is too short to waste it with an unrepentant cheater.

[Severely Unamused]

May I ask, what's the point of this thread? You've shot down everybody's "don't do it" comments. Pointless.

 

It sounds like you have already made your decision. So get to it.

 

Also, it does sound like your husband has worn you away. If you have the money, you might want to try to get some therapy. And talk to family and friends.

Edited August 14, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Tired.

[Space Ritual]

May I ask, what's the point of this thread? You've shot down everybody's "don't do it" comments. Pointless.

 

It sounds like you have already made your decision. So get to it.

 

Also, it does sound like your husband has worn you away. If you have the money, you might want to try to get some therapy. And talk to family and friends.

 

Yep I agree....I think OP is looking for a green light....

[Newwaveofgoodtidings]

Yes I was looking for a green light because I have needs and have been sick of not getting them met.

 

I was halfway hoping that they would be justifiable.

 

I hate being married and alone at the same time but I guess I am stuck with it until I can make some more money to be on my own.

[Space Ritual]

Yes I was looking for a green light because I have needs and have been sick of not getting them met.

 

I was halfway hoping that they would be justifiable.

 

I hate being married and alone at the same time but I guess I am stuck with it until I can make some more money to be on my own.

 

Well I commend you for your honesty...

 

I understand you not wanting to be married at present, and you said you have tried everything. did you try Marriage Counseling when the infidelity was discovered?

As someone who was cheated on long ago I won't condone it. Cheating has long term effects, and I know you said your Hubby has been cheating on you for years....

 

I take it you are looking at this in terms of an exit affair? regardless, cheating on him in revenge may in the short term hurt him(maybe not) but in the long run the person most hurt by it will be you. Think of the extended family and mutual friends who will undoubtedly take sides(they always do even if they say they don't). Then unless you want to throw it in his face right away you will live a life of subterfuge

 

As old fashioned as this sounds, what type of example would you be setting for your child by revenge cheating? why don't you at least attempt to hold your head high, go see an attorney and explore your options. Even if this marriage is not salvageable would you not like to go through the rest of your life without that albatross hanging around your neck?

 

Whatever happened in your marriage is a 50-50 split....if you choose to cheat then that, just like your husband's cheating being all on him, will be all on you..

 

Good Luck

[Severely Unamused]

Yes I was looking for a green light because I have needs and have been sick of not getting them met.

 

I was halfway hoping that they would be justifiable.

 

I hate being married and alone at the same time but I guess I am stuck with it until I can make some more money to be on my own.

 

I would recommend talking with friends and family, and therapy if you have the money. If you are doing this purely for your self-esteem, an affair is not the most constructive way to go. Go to the OM/OW board and see how badly things can get for low self-esteemed married women, in affairs. It's a mess.

 

If you are just looking to get effed, perhaps you can suggest an open marriage to your husband. You don't have to bother sneaking around or dealing with guilt. At this point, your marriage is dead, so I don't see why you shouldn't at least try. Unless your husband would get violent. If your husband would get violent, then do not have an affair.

 

As a rule, I don't advocate affairs in more reasonable situations, and if it is going to cause hurt feelings. But your husband's treatment of you does seem quite cruel. This would be one way to stand up to him.

 

I'm not saying that you should have an affair. But I am sympathetic towards your situation. Is it morally wrong, if you are honest about what you are doing? "The marriage is dead and I don't want to remain committed to you. I plan on having sex with other men. You are free to have sex with other women. No complications." Simple.

 

It's up to you, Newwave.

Edited August 15, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Bad day.

[road]

I have decided to leave my marriage.

I want to have an affair

 

I left out all of your false justification to be an adulterer a cheater a sneak a back staber, a liar.

 

You don't like being called those names?

 

Then why do the things that they describe?

 

You want to divorce then do it.

 

Don't go in the gutter and wrestle. You only will bring yourself down to their level and get just stained as the other TPT, trailer park trash.

 

Notice I did not say get dirty because dirt washes off. I said stained because stains never wash off.

 

You have the high road now once you go down into the gutter the stain of an affair will never leave you.

 

You will always be one those that cheated. Now you proudly state that you have never cheated. This fact can never be restored or the pride that went with it.

 

A murderer can't un murder. A bank robber can't un rob. A liar can't un lie.