Linda9999 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Or do you think there are people out there (maybe you?) who, no matter what happened, would never cheat on their spouse? This is kind of a spin off from the 'something i have observed' thread, where it's being debated whether the state of a marriage has something to do with an affair happening. I'm sure many do use that as an excuse, but doesn't there have to be something fundamentally different about the one spouse who cheats and the other who doesn't, in the exact same marriage? On the one hand, I would like to think that I would never cheat on my spouse, after having been cheated on and being devastated by it. On the other hand, how do I know that, if Brad Pitt came up to me tomorrow and offered himself to me and I *knew* my husband would never find out, that I would turn him down? Or if I was stranded in another galaxy with no way home (think Star Trek Voyager) would I go without sex rather than cheat? I am hoping this thread stays relatively lighthearted
seren Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 For me to cheat it would mean I had either taken total leave of my senses or been taken over by aliens. How do I know I would never cheat? Because it goes against everything that I am, everything I believe in and the standards I set myself. So if Brad Pitt offered himself up naked, on a plate with a flower in his bottom I would still say no because my H floats my boat and not even Brad can hold a candle (or a flower) to him. If I no longer loved him I would no longer be with him so no cheating. I couldn't cheat with a MM as I could not, ever, willingly share my man with anyone. So, apologies to Brad and outer space men everywhere, but I am taken.
bentnotbroken Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I think everyone "could" cheat. I don't think everyone "would" cheat. I think it boils down to how you want to view yourself and whether you view cheating as contradictory to that view. There are things that I said I wouldn't do(especially as a parent)that I have not only done, but am damn glad I did. Alas, even if Will Smith came calling while dragging Antonio Banderas behind him as dessert...I would have to cross my legs and go sit in a tub of ice water.
DSVET9091 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 No I could never cheat, I was cheated on so I could never put someone else through the hurt. Cheating is for selfish people and there for I'm not selfish.. I believe many people would agree with me only the weak minded cheat, If your not happy than divorce. Cheating is an easy way out so they don't have to deal with their problems instead they cheat to start new.
FeelingSmall Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I think everyone "could" cheat. I don't think everyone "would" cheat. I think it boils down to how you want to view yourself and whether you view cheating as contradictory to that view. There are things that I said I wouldn't do(especially as a parent)that I have not only done, but am damn glad I did. Alas, even if Will Smith came calling while dragging Antonio Banderas behind him as dessert...I would have to cross my legs and go sit in a tub of ice water. I agree with this and am pretty much the same. Everyone could, not everyone would. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I cheated on my SO. I know how it feels.
nyrias Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 No I could never cheat, I was cheated on so I could never put someone else through the hurt. Cheating is for selfish people and there for I'm not selfish.. I believe many people would agree with me only the weak minded cheat, If your not happy than divorce. Cheating is an easy way out so they don't have to deal with their problems instead they cheat to start new. And 99 selfish people out of 100 say "I am not selfish" too. I don't really think there is a way to know. Plus, hard to tell the cheaters and non-cheaters (if they actually exist) apart before D-DAY.
DSVET9091 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 And 99 selfish people out of 100 say "I am not selfish" too. I don't really think there is a way to know. Plus, hard to tell the cheaters and non-cheaters (if they actually exist) apart before D-DAY. Are you saying I'm capable of cheating, no way not my style.
bentnotbroken Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 And 99 selfish people out of 100 say "I am not selfish" too. I don't really think there is a way to know. Plus, hard to tell the cheaters and non-cheaters (if they actually exist) apart before D-DAY. I am selfish, no doubt about it. I just don't display that selfishness by having sex outside of my committed relationship. I will selfishly ignore things I don't want to deal with at the moment. I will selfishly not allow a driver to merge into traffic in front of me if I am late or cranky. I will selfishly devour all the chocolate cheesecake without giving my kids the opportunity to have a slice. I "know" I won't cheat...I wish not put anyone in the position of having to pick the pieces of their lives up, reclaim their peace or consider taking their own lives, under the guise of getting my needs met.
Afishwithabike Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I think everyone has the potential to cheat be it an emotional affair or a physical affair. Monogamy is a choice. It's a choice you make every day. For various reasons, some people are better at it than others.
ladydesigner Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I thought I would never cheat. I actually despised cheaters until I became one (revenge affair). I absolutely let myself, my standards, and my integrity go right out the window after discovering my H's multiple infidelities. It was as if I was possessed. I realize now how my boundaries were not properly in place. I wish I had gone to IC after my H'S affairs. I wish I had listened to those who told me not to do it including my gut instinct. I had a choice and made the wrong one.
DSVET9091 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Yes I agree we all have some selfishness in us but cheating is a choice, I just feel cheating is selfish and no excuse for doing it. I wouldn't be able to live with my conscience if I had hurt someone like that. I don't believe everyone has it in them to cheat I know of many honest faithful people but there are some that are designed to cheat. It's one thing to cheat and never have remorse or shame for doing what they did and there are some who do it and live with their shame afterward.
Woggle Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I never would. If I am that miserable with somebody I would end it before I go behind their back.
David Cain Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Anyone could cheat, but everyone will not cheat.
Steadfast Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) I think everyone has the potential to cheat be it an emotional affair or a physical affair. Monogamy is a choice. It's a choice you make every day. For various reasons, some people are better at it than others. Great post. Words are cheap. When I took my marriage vows, I meant them. I didn't say I could not. I said I would not. There is a huge difference. I thought I would never cheat. I actually despised cheaters until I became one (revenge affair). I absolutely let myself, my standards, and my integrity go right out the window after discovering my H's multiple infidelities. Another great post; not because she cheated or proves a point, but because she's honest. I love and am encouraged by author Michelle Langley who said (loose paraphrase) that she'd rather be married to someone who knew their limitations and weaknesses (thus making the decision not to cheat) then a person who relied on their high moral fiber. That's arrogance, and leaves one more vulnerable to the situation described above. Edited August 10, 2011 by Steadfast
MissBee Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I think that anyone can cheat technically, like I believe everyone is capable of committing murder. However, I believe that some people's conflict management styles, personality traits, issues they have that affect their mentality, their maturity, their values and various factors influence whether or not they in fact will make this capability a reality. I have helped others to cheat but have never been the one who has stepped out on a partner. There were several reasons for this and as I have grown, I have altered some of my mentalities, as well as addressed some issues that lead me to choose certain situations. I do think we have to be aware of our weaknesses and make a choice....a conscious choice. I think if one has decided that having an affair is against everything you stand for, then it is easier to stick to that. I have made that choice and will do my very best to keep that promise to myself.
MissBee Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Great post. Words are cheap. When I took my marriage vows, I meant them. I didn't say I could not. I said I would not. There is a huge difference. Another great post; not because she cheated or proves a point, but because she's honest. I love and am encouraged by author Michelle Langley who said (loose paraphrase) that she'd rather be married to someone who knew their limitations and weaknesses (thus making the decision not to cheat) then a person who relied on their high moral fiber. That's arrogance, and leaves one more vulnerable to the situation described above. Similar sentiment as I shared....I agree! It's not about perfection and feeling like you can do no wrong, but realistically assessing and acknowledging your weak areas beforehand then taking precautionary measures, so to speak, to avoid them getting the better of you.
seren Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Making a decision to not cheat is part and parcel of your personal integrity. The underlying ethos of my upbringing by Unitarian and Quaker parents had the message of do no harm to others in word or deed, I strive to live by this rule. I have had plenty of opportunity to step outside my marriage and have an A, if I chose to, but I am of the mind if that day ever came, I would step out of my marriage for good. I could not and I say with knowing me and how I operate, hurt or deceive the person I shared my life with, nor could I say one thing, yet mean another. neither could I string someone else along with false promises. There are times I wish I wasn't like this, life would have been so much easier, but I am what I am and a cheater is not one of them. I don't think all cheaters are bad or evil, but I do think the act of cheating is unspeakably cruel and I could have no part in that, quite selfishly, it would hurt me. So, while not going around being all Mother Theresa, my integrity is mine, I don't expect others to have the same, but it is not arrogant, is often difficult, but there you go.
woinlove Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Making a decision to not cheat is part and parcel of your personal integrity. The underlying ethos of my upbringing by Unitarian and Quaker parents had the message of do no harm to others in word or deed, I strive to live by this rule. I have had plenty of opportunity to step outside my marriage and have an A, if I chose to, but I am of the mind if that day ever came, I would step out of my marriage for good. I could not and I say with knowing me and how I operate, hurt or deceive the person I shared my life with, nor could I say one thing, yet mean another. neither could I string someone else along with false promises. There are times I wish I wasn't like this, life would have been so much easier, but I am what I am and a cheater is not one of them. I don't think all cheaters are bad or evil, but I do think the act of cheating is unspeakably cruel and I could have no part in that, quite selfishly, it would hurt me. So, while not going around being all Mother Theresa, my integrity is mine, I don't expect others to have the same, but it is not arrogant, is often difficult, but there you go. Excellent post, Seren. I feel this way too. Someone who hasn't been a BS may feel they know how they would react if they were one, but I think it is very difficult to know that in advance, not having that experience. On the other hand, the decision not to cheat is one that most make multiple times throughout one's life. It is a conscious decision to be open and honest about one's feelings, to recognize one's feelings rather than ignoring or downplaying them, to turn one's attention toward one's spouse, to be committed, loyal, faithful, etc. Having made such decisions repeatedly over decades, one knows with a high level of confidence how one will behave in this respect - barring an injury or disease which robs one of such mindfulness.
StoneCold Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I think everyone "could" cheat. I don't think everyone "would" cheat. What she said
Owl Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I think everyone "could" cheat. I don't think everyone "would" cheat.( Agreed. This ties into a point I made a while ago talking about reconciliation after an affair. My point was that anyone COULD cheat...even had I divorced my wife there was no garauntee that the "next" person couldn't cheat on me. I don't believe that everyone would choose to cheat. I don't believe that I'll ever choose to cheat, nor do I believe that my wife would choose to do so 'again'. Too many painful lessons learned, and a lot of growing occurred as a result. Interesting thread, and some good discussion going on here.
silktricks Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) I've never cheated when married, but did cheat on a boyfriend (which is just as bad IMO). I had been one of the "I'd never cheat" people. I was wrong. Not because I'm a bad person, but because I was in a very bad place, and didn't pay enough attention to what was going on with me. I didn't know that I had poor boundaries, and I didn't realize what I could do when angry and in pain. I believe I could safely say I would never cheat again - but I won't (say it that is ). I think stating something like that as a fact leads a person to feeling over-confident in themselves. That over-confidence can then allow inappropriate behavior to sneak in, because "I'll never do that." So, I guess my answer is that I believe that anyone CAN cheat, but not everyone WILL cheat. People who pay attention to themselves and know their own weak points, not allowing those weak points to ever take control - those people will not cheat. Others - maybe they will, maybe they won't - too much luck of the draw for me . :lmao: I just went back and read the thread, and see that Bent said the same. So - what Bent said. Edited August 10, 2011 by silktricks
Jennifer26 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Yes, I absolutely believe that everyone is capable of cheating. I think it takes a special kind of person to cheat with a hooker, or go have a one night stand, or do something premeditated. However, I think through emotional affairs we're all susceptible to fall for another person without ever intending to do so. This has been a major argument for my husband and I because he thinks that only people who are selfish are capable of cheating, and as a result allows himself to have poor boundaries with the opposite sex. I've never cheated in any relationship. So I don't think I am prone because of my history. I think I am just as capable as anyone else, because I am human. Knowing this I do keep a distance with men at work and avoid lunches, chit chatting too much about personal stuff, etc.
sally4sara Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Yes anyone COULD cheat. It doesn't mean everyone will cheat.
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