Long Term Relationship Breakup

[roundy]

Hi Guys

 

I am just getting some things off my chest and hoping to feel a little better

 

My girlfriend and I were together 6 1/2 years. We were young when we started, both aged 16 and in our last year of high school.

 

For the first 6 years everything seemed perfect, we always told each other how much we loved each other.She would always say she could never imagine being with anybody else and how in the future she wanted us to be married, have kids and be together forever. She was saying this as recently as November.

 

Things first seemed to be getting different about January/February time. She got a new group of friends and started going out with them more frequently. She would go clubbing etc which I never stopped her from doing, I never had any problems with her seeing her friends or family.

 

She was becoming more distant and cold as weeks and months went by. Around June time I noticed that she didn't even say that she loved me anymore. During these few months I had been asking whether everything was okay but she had always said there was nothing wrong, just she was stressed at work or stressed with exams etc. She always said it wasn't anything to do with me.

 

Finally in June I managed to drag it out of her. She broke down in floods of tears saying how the "spark" had gone. We discussed things and decided that we would see less of each other and make more effort when we did.

This worked well for about 2 weeks and then I noticed that the cold and distance was creeping back in.

 

In July we were back to the cold. I talked with her and she broke down again saying that while she loved me, she was not "in love" with me and that she wanted to call it quits. I was devastated, only 6 months ago she wanted to be together forever, and now she was dumping me. She did say she would like us to remain friends.

 

We have now been broken up a month and have given friends a go, we have spoken twice and met up once. When we met up she got really emotional and glassy eyed like she was going to break down. When she speaks she only wants to talk about how things were with us.

 

I still love this girl more than anything but in this last month she has changed so much I barely recognise her. She has started going out all the time and doing things that she had never been interested in before.

 

I have seen her on Facebook and she has started using a dating service and she seems to be getting over me very quickly, which has also shocked me. I think she may even be dating again. Even her brother, who is one of my friends, has passed comment on how odd she seems lately.

 

I feel I need to see her one last time to tell her in person that I need to break contact, as seeing her, texting her and seeing her on Facebook is killing me. I feel really guilty about it and I know I shouldn't, she did what was best for her by ending our relationship so I must do what is best for me in moving on. But it doesn't stop me feeling terrible.

 

My head is all over the place, i am so confused with my feelings for this girl. I still cannot understand how 6 months ago she would have married me (her words, not mine) yet here I am, heartbroken. I feel like a real life "Mr Brightside"

 

Sorry guys, didn't mean to write you an essay

[NursingGirl]

Well, there's not a whole lot of information to go on to base a comment or two so I will go with what I see and how I would feel and you can add info and we can reevaluate as we go. This place is a good sounding board anyway. Sometimes, you just need to bounce ideas off of someone else and come up with the solution on your own.

 

I am wondering if she doesn't just want you to take the lead here. If she is getting glassy eyed and still meets up with you...she is probably wanting her man to fix it? Why in the world didn't you guys get married? She said that's what she wanted...what do YOU want? Six years is a long time to be together and not even live together. What gives there?

 

And speaking of bouncing ideas off of a person, what about couples counseling? It seems like you are both confused. There seems to be a lack of good helpful communication between the two of you. It will help you to have a third, neutral part involved to help her to have the courage to ask for what is missing. Something is missing and I can tell you that FOR ME....if I loved someone I spent 6 years with but was not IN love with them anymore...it's because the romance is gone. There's nothing that works better for killing romance than to not see some progression in the relationship and the man is typically the one who takes the lead. She may have such a change in lifestyle because she is really grieving the loss of what you guys once had.

 

I am just speculating here, though. Oops, font change, oh well, lol. So you guys are around 22 years old? What ARE your long term relationship plans? What are the living arrangements of both of you? What is the career status on each of you? Do you buy her flowers? Plan something special? What do you do when she goes out with friends? Do you go out with your friends? Do you offer to go out with her to the same places she goes with friends or is it the friends she wants to be with and not you when she goes out? I mean, what is her purpose for going out with friends? Is she looking to meet someone else do you think?

 

I could speculate all day. Ask her if she would be willing to go to couples counseling with you because you love her and want to figure out what is wrong and fix it before it is too late.

[roundy]

Hi and thanks for the reply

 

Right first off, sorry for lacking in details

 

We are both 22 years old, we both live at home as we were saving up enough deposit to buy a place of our own together in the future, being at home allowed us to save up more easily.

 

I recently got a new job which pays more money. This meant we would be able to move out more quickly as it is a significant pay rise. We had discussed this and she even wanted to come and see where I would be working. She has earned more than me for a while whereas I have had to work my way up the ladder somewhat but I have now finally started to move up. Unfortunately, she finished with the day before starting this new job.

 

We did go out places together, we would go shopping or cinemas, meals out or maybe just the zoo or safari park. She would go out with friends to do things that I didn't enjoy but I would do the same. For example she likes clubbing but I'm not such a fan, whereas I might go to a casino with the lads which she doesn't like. We even went out as couples with her friends and my friends.

 

I tried asking her if we could fix our relationship one month before the breakup which is when we had a great two weeks, but it quickly deteriorated. My opinion is that we didn't make enough quality time for each other, but I do not think she shares that same opinion, I think she just thinks we are done as she cannot feel the "spark" anymore, she also seemed reluctant to work on it.

 

I would have married her, and had been looking into proposing to her (nobody at all knows about this) as I thought we had a future, I was just held back by the thought that if we did things too young she would resent not having lived her life to the full, I never wanted to give her a reason to regret anything.

[NursingGirl]

Ok, that puts things alittle better into perspective. Yes, you guys are young and it seems that things are going along pretty well with the two of you as far as career and having priorities in order. I would guess that you are right about needing to "live alittle" before getting married because she seems kinda silly to think there should still be some wonderful romantic chemistry spark between you two after 6 years. I would still suggest couples counseling so that you guys have a few sessions to hear each other and end this well enough if that's where it's going.

 

You sound like a nice guy who has his head on straight. I know this is not easy. I hate that expression, "I love you but I'm not IN love with you." I just don't think it makes a bit of sense.

[olivec]

Hi and thanks for the reply

 

Right first off, sorry for lacking in details

 

We are both 22 years old, we both live at home as we were saving up enough deposit to buy a place of our own together in the future, being at home allowed us to save up more easily.

 

I recently got a new job which pays more money. This meant we would be able to move out more quickly as it is a significant pay rise. We had discussed this and she even wanted to come and see where I would be working. She has earned more than me for a while whereas I have had to work my way up the ladder somewhat but I have now finally started to move up. Unfortunately, she finished with the day before starting this new job.

 

We did go out places together, we would go shopping or cinemas, meals out or maybe just the zoo or safari park. She would go out with friends to do things that I didn't enjoy but I would do the same. For example she likes clubbing but I'm not such a fan, whereas I might go to a casino with the lads which she doesn't like. We even went out as couples with her friends and my friends.

 

I tried asking her if we could fix our relationship one month before the breakup which is when we had a great two weeks, but it quickly deteriorated. My opinion is that we didn't make enough quality time for each other, but I do not think she shares that same opinion, I think she just thinks we are done as she cannot feel the "spark" anymore, she also seemed reluctant to work on it.

 

I would have married her, and had been looking into proposing to her (nobody at all knows about this) as I thought we had a future, I was just held back by the thought that if we did things too young she would resent not having lived her life to the full, I never wanted to give her a reason to regret anything.

 

 

I think possibly time apart might mend things between you to. For right now I would limit your contact with her as it just seems she does not know what she wants right now. Plus since your both in your early 20's maybe dating other people might be the best thing right now that way you both can see if "the grass is greener on the other side". Then if things are meant to be you will find your way back to each other regardless even if there are bumps in the road along the way. In the mean time just try to enjoy life as best you can and focus on doing things for yourself and hanging out with your friends.

[MovingOn13]

Wow man i connect with your situation on sooo many levels.

 

I dated my ex for 5 years since we were 15 up until this past january. We are both almost 21 now.

 

The same things happend: new friends, started going out, acting hot and cold. I eventually had to get it out of her, and she basically said she wanted to see what else is out there by saying " i can see myself with you...but i just want to make sure."

 

I am gonna give you my advice. If you are like me, you probably care so much for this girl. But, unfortunately what you have to do for your own sanity and well being as we well as for her...is to disappear. Friends will not work and may never work just because you care so much for her on an emotional level.

 

You have to disappear so she knows what she is or isnt missing out on. We are all far to young and like a poster said above, sometimes you do have to live a little. The road to recovery will be hard man...i was in the dumps for a good 5-6 months but now i am feeling a lot better. I went 100 percent no contact and jsut a month and a half ago i got a fb friend request from her. Idk what it meant, but it means i am at least on her mind.

 

Stay strong and stay no contact. Say what you have to say to her, but dont beg or plead. After that just disappear, wish her well, and embrace what ever life throws at you. Live in the present because thats all you really have.

[loverboy1984]

Your story is almost Identical to mine. I was with my ex for 6yrs. She said all the same things. Up until 2 days before she broke up with me she was telling me and my family how Im her soulmate and that we are going to end up together. I was even saving up to propose to her next summer after I graduated med school. She went to grad school in NY and got a new group of friends and started partying and drinking, something she doesnt really do. She went cold and distant on me then broke up. Except she kissed someone too and now shes dating him. Im willing to bet theres someone else in your situation too. I didnt believe there was someone else and everyone kept telling me. I even asked her and she said there was not someone else. but 3 months later I break NC to get closure and she tells me shes dating the guy she kissed, even though back then she said it didnt mean anything and he was no body.

 

Dont expect her to come back. I prayed and hoped mine did. she dumped me before my board exam. Our ex girl friends are in a new world right now and they are different people. They may find out they let love slip by but thats years down the line. And even then they would have too much pride to come back, and wouldnt see a point to try. You shouldnt wait. HEAL! and pick yourself back up. Its very hard. I cried every day. Shes gone and did you a favor. She let her environment change her and failed the test of commitment. You got lucky that you didnt marry her, because this would have happened later.

 

Love is not something you fall out of or grow out of. NO! Love is not a shoe or shirt, its more durable thats why people who are truly in love stay in love forever when they are married. TALK IS CHEAP. dont let any girl feed you these nice words next time. look at her actions.

 

Good luck buddy

[olivec]

I agree 100% with loverboy1984, you just gotta let her go and if she comes back you'll know its real. However usually that doesn't happen so just gotta accept it. And i broke no contact to get closer as well and it made me realise that my ex was never gunna change and she wasn't coming back and ultimately I was better off.

[wilsonx]

If you all havent read it yet, Id suggest reading the grass is greener thread in my signature and then the other thread in my signature. Looks like all the posts are the same here. This will give you insight into whats going on. I can help you as well to cope and understand what is going on in either thread.

[roundy]

Thanks for your help guys, much appreciated.

 

Update:

 

I met up with my ex for a drink. We sat and talked for hours about all sorts of stuff. It got late and so she asked if I minded getting a taxi back to her place and make sure she was safe and got in okay. Thinking nothing of it, as she was alone and it was quite late I agreed. We got back to her's at around 2am and I took her into her house to make sure she got in safe.

 

She started talking to me again when we were back at hers and then out of nowhere she kissed me and started hugging me. She then started kissing me more and said that she loved me. It felt amazing, and even she said that it felt better than it had done for a long time. We felt so close, she wanted to go further but I couldn't do it, still feeling heartbroken and confused. I talked to her about her feelings and she said that it was incredible and felt so right, but she was scared in giving us another go in case it was stringing me along. She didn't want us to breakup again because it really would kill me for it to happen again. She is so confused and doesn't know what to do but doesn't want to mess me around. We have now decided to go NC to see how things develop.

 

She did also say that she wasn't dating anybody else and has never done anything with anybody else while we have been broken up. Also, despite us going drinking she didn't touch alcohol at all during the night so this cannot be a factor in her actions or thinking!

 

Do you guys have any idea what is going on? It seemed like GIGS to me as wilsonx pointed out, but if this was the case she would have been with another guy by now, and I know she has had plenty of opportunities to do so. I don't think she would have been this torn up inside either. Any ideas?

[danceallday]

Roundy, You sound like a terrific guy. She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and I have to say because you are both so young this is not at all unusual. You both have soooo much time. If you are both game to try, maybe a separation for 3 months or more to see if you really want to have a go again. Both of you will have time to breathe and you will have time to build up your self-esteem again. During the time try a "no contact" policy - no phone, em, fb, im. Just a suggestion, there is no such thing as a "one size fits all" in relationships. Good luck.