sarahg_8 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 hi. my boyfriend of a year and i broke up over two months ago. we were very much in love, but his insecurities clouded our true potential and he essentially pushed me away. i found out he had went to dinner with someone else and that was it. of course, i was completely hurt. some people may not think going out to dinner with someone else is considered cheating, but it's the fact that he lied to me that made it hurt so much. after a short discussion, we ended up parting ways and went 5 weeks with no contact. as hurt and angry as i was, a part of me wanted to hear from him, wanted to know that i was still on his mind and that he wasn't out living up the single life. although parts of our relationship were unhealthy: lack of communication, leftover insecurities, resentment for things that happened in the past, we were still in love. our breakup was not stretched out for a long time, it was sudden. he ended up contacting me through a few emails and i thought that was it until i decided to contact him again. after a few weeks of talking regularly, he decided that it was not good for either of us to keep it up. it was just making me more depressed because i missed him and in the back of my mind wanted to know that he was hurting without me. he contacted me again a few weeks ago and since then we have done a lot of talking. he has FINALLY come to a lot of realizations about himself and regrets not fighting for us. he wants to now. they seem to be genuine, however i'm not easily giving in. he's not in town right now but will be back in a few months. we both admitted that we're terrified and he knows it's going to take everything in him to slowly, very slowly regain my trust and my confidence. i still love him and would love for him to really prove it to me so we can rebuilt our relationship better and stronger, but of course i'm scared. am i naive to think that things may just actually work out? most of my friends and family have been supportive because they don't see him as a bad person, just as i don't. i have a few that think i'm insane, which makes me feel awful. we haven't spoken on the phone, but he has sent me long, hand-written letters every week for the past few weeks talking about the things he needs to work on himself and for us. any opinions? suggestions? i don't want to give in easily and i won't settle for being miserable. i do know i miss him and want us to be happy. what's a girl to do?
light_vader Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 am i naive to think that things may just actually work out? Yes. The point is, we are who we are. And you should NEVER, EVER expect for someone to "change" in the sake of a relationship or even you. You implied that there were just too many things you did not like about him, so I know not what you're trying to achieve here. He is, the way he is, and it seems you are just dreaming of having someone next to you that is not him. Sometimes we idealize our exes and for some crazy reason we pretend they'll be someone they're not, I guess it's part of the whole "I can't live without him/her" when in fact they are not the person we wanted/thought they were yet we struggle to believe they can become "that" person, which is rather pointless.
Nickelbee Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I have to respectfully disagree. When a man truly realizes what harm he has done in a relationship, and tries with will to change for better - he can. I believe "we are who we are" - but we have become who we are through changes. Sometimes bad, sometimes good. I think, from a mans perspective, the guy really regrets and truly likes you. I think you should give him another go, because sometimes all we need to change into positive ways is a wake up call. You cant change in a month, but with time. Myself gave up smoking, a ton of my bad habits after i lost my love. If she saw me/knew me know, i can definately say she would be "shocked". Changes comes from within - in my case sparked by my own soulsearching after we parted ways. The good men we all hear about, are men who have searched their souls, and blamed themselves for what they truly are to have blame for, and taken positive action. He sounds like hes on the right path. Yes. The point is, we are who we are. And you should NEVER, EVER expect for someone to "change" in the sake of a relationship or even you. You implied that there were just too many things you did not like about him, so I know not what you're trying to achieve here. He is, the way he is, and it seems you are just dreaming of having someone next to you that is not him. Sometimes we idealize our exes and for some crazy reason we pretend they'll be someone they're not, I guess it's part of the whole "I can't live without him/her" when in fact they are not the person we wanted/thought they were yet we struggle to believe they can become "that" person, which is rather pointless.
Author sarahg_8 Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) I have to respectfully disagree. When a man truly realizes what harm he has done in a relationship, and tries with will to change for better - he can. I believe "we are who we are" - but we have become who we are through changes. Sometimes bad, sometimes good. I think, from a mans perspective, the guy really regrets and truly likes you. I think you should give him another go, because sometimes all we need to change into positive ways is a wake up call. You cant change in a month, but with time. Myself gave up smoking, a ton of my bad habits after i lost my love. If she saw me/knew me know, i can definately say she would be "shocked". Changes comes from within - in my case sparked by my own soulsearching after we parted ways. The good men we all hear about, are men who have searched their souls, and blamed themselves for what they truly are to have blame for, and taken positive action. He sounds like hes on the right path. thank you, nickelbee. i understand that it's hard for people to change, but i also believe that given the right set of circumstances, no matter how unfortunate they may be, a person is capable of realizing what they lost and recognizing the things that they did wrong and are willing to work at them. in his letters, he has recognized the things that he did wrong and has told me what he feels he needs to improve on without me having or even feeling like i need to tell him. what makes me think this is genuine is that he has been incredibly persistent and does not seem to be letting up, even when he is thousands of miles away. we have done more talking than we did in the entire year we were together. i'm hopeful, as crazy as it may sound. Edited August 10, 2011 by sarahg_8
Romantic_Lefty Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 i agree with nickelbee. people change over time. which is why some relationships dont work out. but the same can be said of some starting, or even getting back together. in my opinion on this, follow your heart. can it handle giving the relationship a shot?
Author sarahg_8 Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 i agree with nickelbee. people change over time. which is why some relationships dont work out. but the same can be said of some starting, or even getting back together. in my opinion on this, follow your heart. can it handle giving the relationship a shot? right now, no. he will be back in a few months and we have been talking regularly, getting to know each other again. i'm taking one day at a time and i'll see how i'm feeling then. actions speak louder than words and he has A LOT of work to do if he wants me to feel comfortable and confident enough to ease back into it.
lymtal1 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 sarahg 8, just a thought here . i notice that you are putting a bunch of pressure on him to change "a lot". i think the way that you will have more success is if you approach it in a way where you recognize that he has some changes that must happen but give some thought that you have to change with him and may need to change as well. this is a two way street to be successful and if you approach it in a way that gets you both changing i think you will give yourself a better chance in the long run. just my honest opinion and i am pulling for you. you seem to be handling it in a very positive way and may have already recognized this. good luck
Author sarahg_8 Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 thank you for your thoughts. lymtal. i agree with you completely. i know that if he and i ever decide to get back together there are a lot of things i would have to work on as well. i had trouble speaking my mind before and felt that we both had co-dependancy issues. we relied on each other too much to fill our time and got antsy if either of us wavered from that, no matter how insignificant it was in retrospect. i guess it's hard for me to talk about the ways in which i would need to change because i feel that he was ultimately responsible for the disintegration of our relationship. right now i'm not only struggling with my own mind, i'm having a hard time coping with the thoughts of others. while my family and friends support and love me, naturally they are concerned and don't want to see me get hurt again. one of my closest friends is completely against the whole thing and i have decided to not speak to them about it because of their strong feelings. how much should everyone else's opinion around me matter? this is partly my own fault because i had a tendency only to talk about the negative aspects of our relationship, not the good. any thoughts/experience with this? sarahg 8, just a thought here . i notice that you are putting a bunch of pressure on him to change "a lot". i think the way that you will have more success is if you approach it in a way where you recognize that he has some changes that must happen but give some thought that you have to change with him and may need to change as well. this is a two way street to be successful and if you approach it in a way that gets you both changing i think you will give yourself a better chance in the long run. just my honest opinion and i am pulling for you. you seem to be handling it in a very positive way and may have already recognized this. good luck
Romantic_Lefty Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I believe friends should lend an open ear or opinion when needed but...its ultimately between the two of you! your friend is not dating him.
Author sarahg_8 Posted August 13, 2011 Author Posted August 13, 2011 I believe friends should lend an open ear or opinion when needed but...its ultimately between the two of you! your friend is not dating him. yeah, that's true. i guess i just know to not talk about my specific friend about my ex again, even if he becomes my non-ex.
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